Mess mess and more mess

I really don't have to argue my point here that children mess up everything.  I'm not talking the 'destroy everything you hold dear, and suck all former happiness into a black pit of reminiscing about the time you could go out to dinner and not spend 2 hours packing a bag full of all the shit you might need' kind of mental destruction.  (Just remember I'm still unwell OK).  More like the kind of physical mess, which you can clean constantly all day without ceasing, while the house (or tatami mat hotel room) will still look like someone has marched in and swept all the shelves and thrown and stuffed food everywhere they can think of.  Sometimes it's annoying, but most of the time you become resigned to living like an animal.

They make you grubby too.  I ceased buying white clothing a long time ago.  I wore beige just after childbirth to match their vomit.  Patterns also worked - and still do the cover up well.  Black seems like a good choice, but shows up ground in rice, breast milk and chunder the worst.  No matter how hard I try to wear a top more than once, I will inevitably get climbed on, and little grotty paws will creep around my neck. Touching? - no, not so much when they're covered in butter and you're wearing silk.

Because we travel a lot, we eat out a fair bit as well.  Sounds nice? Well it mostly sucks and is unrelaxing.  I am constantly on the edge of my seat, worrying that they are going to break something, chuck food everywhere, spill drinks, break glass, eat all the butter, eat pepper and scream, wave steak knives towards their own jugulars, fork their sister's eye, piss on the floor, prompt other diners to heap scorn on us as they are moved to another table as far away as they can request.  All this has happened, and more.  Once Valli dropped her seat cushion on the floor, when we were eating in a bloody fancy chateau in France and the waiter slipped over on it as he approached our table with a tray full of drinks.  That was really humiliating.  I then took them outside, tried to talk to some people about how embarrassing children were - got a wasp in my champagne and ran screaming and flapping, and tripped into a lavender bush.  So see, I can't really blame them, when it is I who have passed on the dodgy genes.  Once they got older, we bribed with, and now have to follow through with, ice cream.  Only do this if you don't have long to go before you finish your meal, and just want to make it through.  Escape before the sugar rush hits.  It is far worse....





As I mentioned, I take a lot of things to restaurants with me.  Best items for entertainment these days are stickers, pencils and colouring books - don't go for textas - they get them all over clothes and white tablecloths; crayons can be good but are so difficult to get off walls and tables -  WD40 does a good job there there though.  Also little mini animals are currently a big hit - they can make a little show.  Shoving them into their food because "the baby giraffe is hungry" is a little trying, but you've got to pick your battles.  When they were really little, I always took little containers of some kind of pureed crap, and would stuff them full of food, slowly but constantly.  Dried fruit is also time consuming - and here in Japan, edamame (boiled soybeans), are a big hit.  Lot's of work for one little bean.  I've always encouraged them to feed themselves from about 10 months- which is mainly due to the fact that I'm lazy and was over the shovelling.  I did take their own little bowls and cutlery though up to a couple of months ago.  It can be bloody messy though.  I still use plastic smocks these days (mainly to save on washing), but I used to use those plastic tray bibs by Tommee Tippee.  They were good.  Caught a lot of spat out and dropped food.

Those clip-onto-a-table Phil and Teds canvas seats were brilliant. Sometimes there's no highchairs at restaurants, and with the Phil and Ted's, they are at table level and seem to enjoy it more.  Those things get dirty though, and can stink like regurgitated food (funny that...).  Just soak and scrub them with a nail brush.  They dry pretty easily.  Don't ever forget the two most essential items - zip lock bags and baby wipes.  I don't have to explain the wipes (I will never do without them, never), but zip lock bags can store a multitude of rank (dirty nappies, grotty aprons and bibs, filthy bowls and cutlery, leaking Tupperware containers filled with mash of mystery) and not so rank - (fruit, measured out formula) - OK, so rank leads easily.....

I nearly forgot a couple of good tricks - nude dining (when at home - I wouldn't go there in restaurants), is great for saving on grime on clothes.  Outside dining - if you can, works a treat.   Plus, if you are staying in hotels and if you get room service - serve it up to them naked (them not you) in the shower bay, and then just wash them and all their grime down the plug holes (sorry environment lovers - but you can always take your own sink saver).  I also used to travel with a medium sized plastic mat that would go under their dining area.  This could be washed out in bathroom or sinks and really saved the floors.

Back to how we, ourselves, become dirty because of the little cesspots.  I mentioned the constantly stained clothing.  How about when you find yourself eating things you never before would have let in 20 metres of your lips.  For example,  their slagged out melon, their squashed cheese, their soggy crackers, and their dropped food. I remember one of my Mum's favourite stories, of how she was carrying baby me across our living room, and saw a piece of roast beef on the floor.  She had picked it up, and it was almost on her lips, when she realised with a jolt it was a piece of poo that had fallen out of my nappy.  At that point in the story, she typically goes off into fits of hysterics.  I sort of laughed, but mainly I used to think "What the god dam hell was she doing casually eating a piece of meat off the floor anyway????".  It's OK Mum, I get it now.  We all become human garbage disposal units for our kid's refuse.   Another memory just comes to me how a friend of mind was recently telling me how revolting it was to see mother's feeding their kids and scraping the food off their chins and either shovelling back into the kids mouths or they refused, their own.  "Oh yes" I said going red...."it's so rank - how can they live with themselves?" while making a mental note to never do it around her.

Well, so just in case you didn't get how grotty, grubby, snotty, grungy, grimy, icky, scummy, cruddy, unsanitary, dreggy, soiled, unhygienic, begrimed, contaminated, scuzzy and slovenly (yes, the thesaurus can be a great tool), I find children - my own and every other.....here's another entry to bring the point home.

My dear friend is currently in labour with her twins - and to her I say - welcome to a life of double (filthy) joyous happiness my darling - and don't forget to wear patterns.......