Some Like It Hot

We are presently staying in an onsen town (hot springs), that also became a ski town a hundred years ago exactly.   I know this because last night we went to their "100 Years Nozawa Ski" celebration.  They'd gone to a reasonable effort; drums, free sake and ice-cream (nice combination), people in unusual costumes - I could only recognise a giant apple and some sort of cabbage.  There were also people skiing around with fire on sticks; a few old people wearing old-fashioned ski outfits (or maybe that was just their casual get-up), and finally fireworks.  Let's be realistic - it was pretty lame.  I mean, there was a giant crowd gathered around a snow-groomer taking photos.  Now that doesn't exactly spell happening party does it?  The sake was cold and the ice-cream was giving children frostbite on their tongues.  It was, in fact, typical of many a Japanese celebration - over-rated. I remember my first cherry blossom season - I was like - "so what, there's a few flowers on the trees, what's all the fuss about".  In all honestly, I would've rather been back at the inn having an onsen.


Now,  the onsen is a Japanese experience that actually isn't over-rated.  They are really onto something here.  For a start I love baths and looking at pretty views (I'm not talking about my fellow bather's pubes by the way). The best onsen experience I've had was in the snow, in an outside bath, surrounded by a natural warm water pool where huge carp lived.  They would all crowd around the side of the bath looking at you and blowing fishy kisses - that put a dampener on the subsequent dinner of sushi really.  Anyway, onsen's are also renown for curing certain medical ailments.  The one in our inn is supposed to sort out your hemorrhoids. OK then......I'd rather not think about my fellow bather's embarrassing ailments - and what if they think I've got an unpleasant case??.....(when in doubt, apply the no eye contact rule here too).

There are a lot of guidelines to follow if you want to participate in onsen activity.  First of all go in starkers.  That took a little getting used to - I'm not typically accustomed to getting it all out in public, but hey - if you've got it, show it......Second, you have to totally wash yourself before getting in.  With soap.  Thoroughly.  I've seen old Japanese grannies sitting on the stools with their legs spread scrubbing out their fannies so vigorously that I'm thanking my lucky stars I'm on the way out.  There's lots of other rules but they're pretty obvious.  Mainly the gist is; don't be a dirty, vulgar, drunk wanker and offend people by taking photos of their bottoms.

My first night here, I luckily had the place to myself.  It was god dam boiling.  Seriously 70 degrees.  I did not last long.  Feeling all dizzy and completely pink, I got lost in the steam, half fainted and stumbled out naked into the corridor.  Don't picture that - it's not good.  The second night though, there were already a couple of people bathing.  To my horror it was an Australian woman and her young daughter.  Let me get this straight.  I realise I too am Australian - yet I despise other Australians in Japan.  They say things like "Youse got any beeru?" and wear yukata (japanese dressing gowns) to breakfast.  Sometimes they even do dive bombs into the onsens, but you'll have to go to Niseko if you want to see some of that true cultural insensitivity in play.  Not being judgemental here - I myself, in a drunken frenzy in the streets of Niseko, once strangled the head off the giant snowman made by local children, which had formally stood as the town's pride.

Anyway this woman engages me in conversation - and it's the last thing I feel like doing when I'm trying to scramble into the bath without scarring her ten year old, by flashing her my lady garden.  Look, I'm all for Japanese bath conversation - but only with Japanese people.  Due to my appalling grip of the national language, the discourse typically goes something like this;
"Do you like sushi?"
"Yes I like sushi"
"Do you like Japan?"
"Yes I like Japan"
There's only so far you can go with this, and eventually the pathetic attempt at conversation fades away into steamy silence.
But not with the bloody Aussies.  Why is this stranger asking me so many questions about my life? "Who cares where I went to school, look, I just want to cure my hemorrhoids dam it".... Seriously a monkey would provide more interesting company.

Speaking of which, we had a quintessential Japanese experience this afternoon.  A visit to the onsen bathing snow monkeys.  By now, the memory of a 4km round trip, stumbling through the snow, piggybacking our own little monkeys, only to see a few wet, mangy, red-faced baboons has almost been erased by all the beerus I purposefully consumed at dinner with that end in mind.  I always forget how much I hate monkeys too, until I see them face-to-face.  My trip to the monkey park in Bali aged 18, where myself and a friend got savaged, pretty much killed my love for primates.  No. I'm being horribly negative - it actually was pretty cool.  And the monkeys didn't jump all over me in a frenzy and bite my nipple and lip this time - so a big win there straight off.

Can I just diplomatically say however, that if you ever decide to go on this, or any other kind of "long walk in" tour with children, who refuse to walk even thought they can (and deliberately slip into every puddle they see because they "like being diiiirty"); perhaps try and find a driver who drives you all the way in.  As I rolled up to the viewing point today,  sweating and swearing, only to see a few casually parked cars, I was like "For baby cheeses sake....WHY????".  I've often thought about those backpacks for our kids, and have tried on a few styles in the shops.  The canvas ones always look like they'd be uncomfortable for both the carrier and the carried.  The hard frame ones are bulky, and take up too much luggage space (or they could get damaged in transit).  Let's face it - all the little buggers get heavy eventually, no matter what they're carried in.

Anyway at least we've got the onsen here to help us recover from walking to an onsen.  Just so long as no 40 year old Australian woman asks me if I like monkeys......