Look into my eyes.....

I went on a Jetstar flight from the Goldy to Tokyo two days ago, and it didn't suck.  I never thought I'd actually say that, let alone put it in writing, but it was great.  Ok ok, I'm getting carried away here - reasonably good.  Apart from the sour bitch at the check in counter (there's always one), there were no mean flight attendants on board.  Usually you can tell they'd rather have their feet up watching blurry footage of their cousin's hen's night on their iphone than be getting you yet another glass of red. But on my flight there were smiles going on - and lot's of "certainly"'s too.  The food was also decent.  I mean, you'd send it back to the kitchen if you were in your  local cafe - but lifting that foil didn't make you wish you'd never been born.  None of my luggage got lost either.  Which was fortunate, as they only ever offer you $150 (that bag had my dead mothers engagement ring in it dam it).  And there were movies - one's you didn't have to swipe your credit card to watch, only to end up having your earphones wrenched off you during descent......right as the detective finally reveals the name of the murderer.

More to the point, I actually watched those movies.  Well one of them.  So I had to stop and start it twenty or more times, big deal.  I watched a whole movie on a flight!  It's been a long time coming.  I have one little ginger-nut kitty to thank for it - bless you, Puss In Boots.  My daughters are crazy for that movie.  It's the third plane trip they've watched it over, and over, and over again.

Gone now is the week of cold sweats and sleepless nights anticipating a flight over two hours.  In fact these days I actually smugly saunter onto the plane and may have even been known to break my first, and by far my most important rule of travel;

NEVER make eye contact with your fellow passengers.

This goes especially so for those unfortunate people who were unlucky enough to be seated in your vicinity.  You must never engage them at any time - especially while getting on the plane, when you are at your most vulnerable, and fearful of the journey ahead.  The hatred seeping from their eyes is too much to bear.  Even the kind looking ones wish for your early demise.  It doesn't matter either if your offspring is more adorable than the baby in the Bonds campaign.  Air passengers are immune to cuteness, They see only a demonic entity that is about to make their life hell for the next 9 hours.  They are right.

Don't be fooled either by the jolly motherly type next to you, who tut tuts, and hands you back something that entered her zone.  Even if it is your nipple protector that dropped in her coffee, do not look at her.  She just wants to see your face so she can have you murdered later.

You may be tempted after 3 hours of solid howling from your once beloved child, to glance around seeking a few eyes so as to give a few beseeching "I'm so terribly sorry" looks.  This is a big mistake.  Nobody feels sorry for you.  Their pity extends only to themselves.  In fact they will be annoyed that their fantasy of opening the exit door and having the air pressure suck their pain away has been interrupted by someone with baby vomit on their collar.

Do not try to sympathise with or befriend other mothers.  Your screaming child will be sure to wake up their child that they finally got to sleep after 4 hours of hell.  Theirs will do the same to yours.  If your child is behaving well, and theirs is not, they will hate you. If it is the other way round, they will hate you more. They are your enemies not your friends, ignore other parents the most.

Just remember though, when you think you can't take another second more; what goes up must come down...eventually.  That plane will land and everyone will be gone.  You'll never see them again (and if you do, you shouldn't know what they look like anyway if you followed my advice properly).  Although not looking at your fellow travellers may not make your child behave better, it really does help to deal with your discomfort; if you feel any that is.....If you don't give a shit, I admire you and want to be you.

Here's looking at you kid......what the hell does that mean anyway?

P.S Try not to think about the return journey a week later.