Just Act Natural

Even though we were all exhausted, we took the long way back from the 'Oktoberfest' buffet tonight.  Buffets have that way of making you feel like you'd do anything not to feel so full after them, save having a chunder in the toilets. Sometimes walking can help.   I initially always head straight for the salad bar and then end up not touching any of it....gotta save room for all that crab.  In Japan they call buffet style dinners "Viking".  That really cracks me up.  I always think of Vikings as total gluttons in their eating habits - all that mead and meat on the bone, shoving it down their gullets with their bare hands....I guess it's pretty close.  There is a shameful amount of piggery going on at a Japanese buffet.  I know I've said it before, but I seriously cannot believe that the majority of Japanese stay so slim.  I really don't get it.  As for myself, well it's a dam good thing that I'm "exercising" everyday, or I'd seriously have to book an extra seat on the plane for my left butt cheek.

Back to my walk home from the buffet.  I couldn't help but notice all the various advertisements for this resort, and others owned by the same company, along the way.  Most of them feature foreigners (from 1989).  It's a funny thing in Japan - foreigners make shit sell.  This first became obvious to me eight years ago, when a friend of mine recommended I contact his mate, who was setting up an agency of foreign 'models' in Sapporo.  'Model' is a huge stretch.  If you'd seen the pamphlet you would understand.  It's actually degrading to be in it.  But like I said, foreigners are in huge demand, and although I expected nothing would happen, I actually got a little bit of work.  This was forbidden by my company, but I figured - hey, they'll never know.

My first job was at a hotel right next to my company's main head quarters in the city (the irony).  It was for a 'Wedding Fair'.  Western style weddings are very popular here.  It mainly consisted of lots of waiting around before being dressed up for some photos.  When they were through with me, I was not a pretty sight.  They had dressed me in mauve taffeta with puff sleeves, and my hair was arranged in a bouffant.   I'm not sure if they were imaging me as mother of the bride, but that's how it came out.  Truly dreadful.  I had my photo taken with two of the Japanese models who looked amazing.  I looked like their chubby host mother from Texas.  I was there with a friend of mine who was looking suave, and all he did was crack up whenever he saw me and say "Oh, Saunders".  Not exactly the kind of effect you want to have on people.   He's acting in NYC now....I wonder if that Wedding Fair job is on his resume....A week later there was a giant flag up outside the hotel.  With me on it.  There it stayed for weeks.  Surprisingly undetected.  I like to think that a dumpy, mauve-wearing matron with a beehive is unrecognisable as me......Or maybe they just weren't expecting me to be so bold....

The next job I did was for a visiting company from Tokyo who were making a 'mockumentary' about a German ski champion.  I was auditioning as his wife.  I had to go for the interview after work late one night.  It was so bizarre.  Picture me sitting on the edge of a bed in a hotel room absolutely packed floor to ceiling with costumes - no space at all.  There's me, dressed in some tarty red number they instructed me to put on, being given the once over by the directors and producers.  I had a bitch haircut.  Jet black fringe and bob.  One of the directors gave me a glass of red, and instructed "Do Uma Thurman - Pulp Fiction".  I was unsure where to go from there - I had no lines, I just had to drink a glass of wine in the film and smile - that was it.  Apparently I'm a wine drinking natural, because I got the part.  Lots of sitting around again.  It turned out to be a good thing I didn't have any lines, because the whole thing was in German.

A particularly strange job I had next, was to pre-record a wedding announcement in English for a Japanese couple who were getting married at a reception centre called Ans Bruge.  God knows why they wanted a Australian accent (in particular my Tassie drone), but a couple of hundred bucks for 15 minutes work had me sold.  I had to say something like this;
"We are gathered here today, March 3rd 2005, to celebrate the marriage of Ryosuuke (that took a few takes) and Yukie.  Today is a special day, the beginning of a powerful journey of love taken by this young couple....(I was instructed to really build the excitement in my voice)....So now there is nothing further to do but......(major excitement now)  Let the Ans Bruge wedding party.....COMMENCE!!!!"
Maybe I should do something similar for my own impending nuptials.

But perhaps my most 'starring' role was an TV advertisement for a product called 'Vitaflux'.  Sounds like a particularly powerful laxative doesn't it?  Actually it was a magnetic bracelet, reputed to cure a myriad of aches and pains.  I was a secretary with a bad neck, turned onto Vitaflux by my Russian coworker, and thus being cured, shouted it's praises from the roof tops.  It was a very cheesy, late night infomercial style advertisement - fake laughing with joy at discovering Vitaflux etc etc.  Despite my secret belief I am an incredible actress still awaiting discovery, I was awful.  I also had a pimple so large that it should have had it's name in the credits.  Every 5 minutes they had to keep breaking to apply another layer of foundation and then powder.  And it was still blindingly obvious. Perhaps more so...all that build up.   Months later at home,  when I showed the DVD of my stellar performance to my two best friends, all they could say was "Oh my god - your PIMPLE!".  Anyway, this time I'd gone a bit too far.  Students started recognising me on TV and I had to start quieting them with chloroform.  I must say though, there is nothing quite like seeing your advertisement on TV-  unexpectedly and for the first time, to break up the current fight you're having with your lover.

So thus ended my 'modelling career' in Japan.  Lot's of people keep telling me that Valli and Cordi should go into advertising here, but I think it's venturing into 'Toddler and Tiara' territory.  I would slide too easily into the role of living out my frustrated dreams though my children.  And if I keep eating at the 'Oktoberfest' I'll soon have the figure to go with it........