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| Some do it tough with their fancy Brooklyn hotel room views |
Pardon my slackness people, but I've been swanning around the world like the spoilt cunt I am. And I've been continuously bitching about how tired I am from all the fun into the bargain. Try it sometime - being loving and caring is what makes the world go round, but being an obnoxious knob is liberating. It may explain the lack of friends though.....I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure most of my conversations these days include at least one eye roll. I'd be embarrassed of my behaviour if I cared enough (does that comment itself trigger any eye rolls....? - please let me know if it does).
First stop, Berlin. It had all the elements of an epic trip away - a milestone birthday party, a funky apartment, 5 mothers unchaining themselves from their needy kids and annoying husbands, in order to eat, drink and party themselves stupid. I did quite a serious amount of research into where to go, what to do, and how to trash myself as thoroughly as possible. Berlin certainly is the place for it. Even for those that haven't been, the reputation is enough. Known for it's liberal attitudes and incredible, yet somewhat grungy nightlife, all I knew is that I wanted to see someone leading a naked man to the bar on a dog lead, and/or people having sex on the dance floor. Although I know if I did actually see it, I'd be like "Euugghh - how could they? Some people are so disgusting. Right that's it, I'm going home" - after all I am a total prude, and not to mention, a 42 year old housewife - I'm certainly no 20 year old German club regular with lace up boots, and a chain that connects from my nose ring to the top of my ear (can you imagine how much you would snag that thing? - what a logistical nightmare). Luckily those nightclub parties go on for a couple of days or it could be pretty embarrassing for everyone if they shut the music down and turned the lights on at 4am.
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| Stolen from @thefatjewish on Instagram |
Things started off well, I bought a beer and swigged on it walking round the airport - that' the thing I love about Israel - their drinking laws are so pissweak. It would be a bloody field day here for a group of 17 year old Aussies on a party trip. They could even put down a mat and sell stubbies in the park to passerby and things would be peachy. Can you imagine how all over it the Aussie snorters would be if that happened in the Melbourne botanical gardens?.......though if you were subtle about it....well....now I come to think of it, it could be a possible Start-Up for some particularly stupid and moderately entrepreneurial youth....you go where the money is. Anyway, after boarding our Easyjet flight and downing a couple more drinks on the plane, I was well on my way.
Unfortunately, I peaked on the flight there. And I am not exaggerating. I spent the following 3 days in a state of absolute misery. I had to pump myself with flu medication and pain killers to leave the house and basically spent all the time I was out dreaming about going back to bed. Putting a hot washcloth on my face was the highlight of my day. It was that bad.
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| Another 4 Baileys please |
I should have really stayed in bed, but I just couldn't bear to. How utterly depressing that would be. And making it even worse was that the daily top was about 4 degrees, and in the minuses at night. It was the kind of cold where your extremities go numb and your nostrils just drip snot on your scarf. I had the personality of particularly boring slug (and I suspect I was invited along somewhat to provide the entertainment ) - I certainly did nothing to live up to any expectations. I didn't even enjoy the food, and I knew it was delicious, mainly because everyone kept saying "This is delicious" as they shovelled it down. Poor bloody little me.
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| Check out the kill joy to the right (no, not the random) |
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| Looks good, try 4 degrees with burning sinuses |
It wasn't all low lights - as I said, the plane was fun. And I did see the line of where the Berlin Wall ran around the city, and remaining sections of the wall. Its fascinating that the wall went up overnight in 1961, once Berlin became the main crossing area for people passing from east to west. When it was built however, families were separated from families, boyfriends from girlfriends (depending on where you were living). There were some good escape stories following the cut off. My favourite was the woman who disguised herself as a car seat and had her boyfriend sit on her and as they passed through the checkpoint on his way back into the west. What an effort. I might go as a carseat to the Purim dress-up festival next week in her honour - though I don't want anyone to sit on me come to think of it. Not all attempts to escape were successful. One unfortunate loser attempted to hot air balloon out of East Berlin over to West Berlin, but he missed his landing and touched down back on the other side.... in East Germany. Speaking of losers, make that psychopaths - I also stood above the very spot where Hitler's bunker was - the place where he spent his final days before suiciding and his body was dragged out just where we were standing to be burnt beyond recognition (as per his instructions). It was unmarked and in the carpark of an unremarkable block of flats, purposely unacknowledged so that no neo Nazi dickheads could make it a little tribute spot. I find that kind of thing fascinating and disturbing. The memorial to the murdered Jews of Europe was an incredible series of structures, and the museum below personalised the stories of those who were killed - so heart wrenching that you have to shut down a little bit. It was certainly not your average memorial. We were also shown the grim looking former communist headquarters, and a disturbingly upbeat mural depicting the joy of the communism regime itself; and in the central square we saw the hotel where Micheal Jackson dangled his newborn baby off the hotel balcony. I also immensely enjoyed a cocktail made with fresh pink grapefruit juice, salt and vodka at the Soho house, and I scored pot from an African immigrant opposite the seedy Görlitzer park in Kreuzberg. Apart from that I whinged, snotted, and was a complete wet blanket on the merry gathering.
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| 2711 concrete slabs, reminiscent of a graveyard or the systematic way in which the murders were carried out |
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| Communism looks way more fun that I was during the trip |
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| MJ giving "Blanket The Baby" a bit of a dangle |
The attendees of the trip were the mother of the best friend of my 6 year old daughters - AKA; The Birthday Girl, the mother of my daughter's ideal dreamboat "the nicest boy in the class"; and two friends of the birthday girl, one I met for the first time who's name I got wrong for 2 days, and one who's brother actually had a gutter brawl with George Clooney about 12 years ago. She showed me the pap shots on the net. George looked absolutely trashed. He claimed my friend's film producer brother insulted his girlfriend at the time (that could have been his cocktail waitress from Vegas phase), but it appears he was actually insulting his acting. The title of the article was "Clooney Goes Loony:Star fights for woman's honour". It says it all really. I think the truth is that George got wasted and that he's a little bit of a wanker. The teeth are just too white for him not to be. Anyway, I felt like a total lame-arse but I was in bed by midnight every night, and upon my return I was so miserable that I spent 3 days in bed and took a course of antibiotics.
The pressure was on to get better. I had a trip to New York City planned for the following weekend. Once again kid free. This time it was a surprise birthday party for my husband's bestie ever since they were little kids. His wife schemed and carried out a magnificent plan, and we couldn't help but be involved when we were invited to come along for the ride. My husband being the little New York lover he is, organised all restaurants, bars and most of the entertainment. And it was fun. So fucking fun. I'm not going to go into too many details - you would all hate me too much. Instead I'll show photos. Many many photos.....which also could inspire a touch of loathing....
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| Good morning Manhattan - view from bed (sorry, that was a tough one to start with) |
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| Sweets for my Sweet, Sugar for my Honey |
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| Times Square post musical post red wine |
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| Awwwwww |
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| Me and my ZoZo |
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| Pug Lagerfeld |
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| Yep |
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| Lovely little creature |
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| Down by the Hudson |
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| Williamsburg |
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| Really regretting not bringing my sunnies on a hangover morning |
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| All the leaves are brown....and the sky is grey |
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| The lads |
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| The bun is made from ramen noodles - pure genius |
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| Kicking off on night 1 |
Four nights on the Lower East Side of Manhattan at The Ludlow Hotel, and 2 nights in a city view room at The Wythe in Williamsburg would be enough to send me into a jealous rage if I found out anybody I knew was doing this. I often find it difficult to be happy for others - it's not a good quality. New York is, without doubt, the greatest city in the world. Anything can happen there, and anything important already has. And without all of our kids the four of us got to pretend we were 20 something hipsters (even though hipsters totally SUCK - with their beards and flannel shirts and lumberjack boots - you are not fucking Canadian woodsmen dudes, move through it now), and we got to lord it over everyone, prancing around like we owned the place - staff always suck up to guests in order to get tips - plus you always have special tables reserved in the restaurants and bars. It was only the mornings after that we felt like the bunch of old has-been 40-50 year olds that we are. It didn't help either when two of our merry little party had to stop in and buy glasses frames for their reading glasses. Sadly I was one of them. My first old age glasses. I got the shock of my life when I tried on my friends specs on our way out one night and everything in the distance went into focus. It was, as they say in therapy, a break through moment.
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| Waiting for my sister to start calling me four eyes. Paybacks a bitch |
I don't really mind being old. Besides I enjoyed the Carole King musical much more than I would have done if I really was a 23 year old film major from Greenpoint. We attempted to go to the nightclub right next door to our hotel in Brooklyn on Saturday night, but the line was too long so we went back to the hotel bar for a cup of tea. No shit, we really did. And it was so goooooooood. Who in their right mind would take waiting outside in -1 over a cosy cuppa in the lounge??? (That is so unbelievably sad - will somebody please blow some cocaine up my arsehole with a straw while I'm sleeping....I'm begging you). But seriously come on, there was still snow on the ground. In fact there was a cold snap for the entire week, and an overnight dumping of snow one night made walking around outside extremely fresh. Besides I could hear the pumping music from my cosy beddie anyway so I didn't really have to go anywhere......Zoe and I could sit up in bed and eat the twelve dollar block of Mast Brothers chocolate (bullshit delicious - so much yummier than vodka shots) and watch Girls.
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| Good morning snow day |
But seriously - it was the time of our lives. Sometimes you have to say fuck it all, and just go the fun option that you'll remember for ever - Zoe and Sim you are legends and I miss you.
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| Meat sandwiches for breaky at Katz....mmmmmm |
Upon our arrival home, there were two little people who were not finding us particularly legendary. The girls were spewing with me, and it's not surprising. One of them put it like this "Mummies shouldn't go away so much and leave their children" *two big tears rolling down cheeks. Hmmm - guilty much? Even the half a suitcase full of presents failed to smooth things over this time, and it's definitely put an end to any kid free escapes for a few months. I didn't mean you to take it personally kids, it's just that Mummy still likes to believe she's relevant from time to time.....sweeties??.....forgive me....
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| Don't be like that my angel |
And you'll never believe it, but guess what welcomed us back to the country (apart from the extra large jackhammer they brought in next door to drill out the adjoining wall to our apartment while we were sleeping off the jet lag)? That's right - another 2 stabbings and a shooting! All on the same day!!! What a happy go lucky country we live in. The most disturbing incident was a series of multiple stabbings carried out by a 22 year old Palestinian on the beachfront of Tel Aviv. Ten people were stabbed, some seriously, and one American tourist died. The footage of the police chasing the attacker along the beach road is intense. You can see him running against the traffic, past slow moving cars (the traffic is always shithouse along there), and whenever he sees an open window he leans in and stabs the person in the car. Finally he is shot dead by police. Tourists, Jews, an Israeli Arab (basically a Palestinian with Israeli citizenship), and a West Bank residing Palestinian were all victims in the attack. In goes to show that terrorism doesn't not distinguish between Jews and Arabs sometimes. This in particular shouldn't be forgotten. Naturally Hamas (government of Gaza), praised the attackers and called for more - There had already been 2 other attacks that day (how many do you people want??) - one ultra orthodox man was stabbed in the neck earlier (he managed to pull the knife out and turn it on the stabber, killing him - go Grandad!), and Israeli police were shot at the Damascus gates in Jerusalem. My friend and I have decided that we need new outfits for any jaunts we may decide to take around the city at the moment:
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| Just popping out for a stroll (this was her idea, mine was a Hamas outfit - terrible idea in these parts) |
The strangest thing is, that I don't think it these incidents made the Australian news. Otherwise my mother would have had a sleepless night and rung me to tell me all about it. Life goes on here too, just like nothing happened. That is the way it is in Israel. People are hardened to it. The blood is washed away and people start running, walking and skating down the beach boulevard again. But just because the pain is familiar doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's just so senseless and tragic. The papers report today that the Tel Aviv gunman who shot a lot of people back on January 1st, was actually looking for daycare centres to attack - basically he wanted to shoot babies apparently - but couldn't find any so he opened fire on a bar instead.
What a world. I guess there's only one thing to do.......(apart from complaining about how tired I am):
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| It's got to help right..... |
