Lets face it, they are seriously the most grotty things on the face of the earth. Constantly covered in snot, food, dirt, piss, and curdled breast milk. They have dog shit on their shoes, stains over every piece of clothing and usually unidentified sticky crap in their hair. They stink. They put everything they can get their hands on in their mouth, and that can be frightening, not just revolting. I once caught my daughter sucking on a dirty shaver, and some once mentioned their child chewed a used condom (mmmm tasty). Lets face it, they even eat their own poo, and thats about as low as you can go really. Let me just share a little tale about the above.
One now infamous day, about 10 months ago (shall we call it Brown Friday....), I put two once beloved children in their room for a day nap. An hour later I was surprised to hear a happy screech as I was passing by. I opened the door, only to be hit by one of the worst aromas on the planet. It was dim inside, so I couldn't quite see the extent of the carnage, but the cry went out... "Shit! SHIT!!! SHIT EVERYWHERE...." My partner and mother came running, as I snatched up the first brown being that emerged from the darkness. Carrying her under the armpits a metre away from me, I deposited her in the shower and turned on the tap. Cold water drenched her, and in shock she slipped over, started bawling and tried to clamber into my arms. I held up my palm, pushing her away, repeating "no no no no no"..... my own terror of a screaming shit-water dripping child winning out over a mother's love (I wonder if that will be unearthed on the psychiatrist's couch 15 years down the track). So intent was I at holding back, lets call her "Shitsky", that I didn't see the other one - arms, legs, and torso covered in poo - clambering for me too. Straight under the cold. More screaming.
Meanwhile, back at Shit Central, my mum has taken one look, brought a bucket of hot water to the door, and fled (last seen having tea and biscuits in town). My partner has started cleaning the dastardly deed. After Shitsky 1 and 2 have been washed back into human form, I go in for a closer look. Either, each of them created the world's biggest poos, or a little bit of shit goes a long long way, because no surface was left un-turd(ed). Every letter of the alphabet mat; both doonas, pillows and sheets; every wall, most toys, inside books and on and under the bench; on the inside and outside of the white blind, and all along the window behind it; right down piles of clean, folded clothes; and ground into the carpet. It was a complete and utter Shit-astrophe. The clean-up took 5 hours. I also had to drive to town and hire an industrial carpet cleaner for the floor, and finally, clean in between the tiles in the shower with a toothbrush. And when all was said and done, I found a chunky stash on the back of the door.
I like to tell myself that it wasn't a feast - they just both tried to take off their pooey nappies, and shit happened. We still couldn't look them in the eye for 3 days though. So as I said, they are disgusting little blighters - they are just so incredibly lucky they are cute too.....
P.S - ALWAYS carry spare spare clothes, plastic bags, and most essentially baby wipes - the greatest invention on the planet, far far superior to The Wheel.
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