Bums on seats

Going to the toilet in Japan is another cultural difference that has to be experienced.  Usually a trip to the loo involves walking in, getting the job done and getting the hell out of there.  In Japan however, why not take a little time to really enjoy yourself.  For a start, the seat is typically heated.  There is no place where this is appreciated more than in the snow.  I typically spend large amounts of the day sliding down icy cliffs on my rear.  So, by the time I stumble into the toilet, my butt cheeks feel like they've been packed with dry ice for six months in an underground basement in Antarctica.  Planting them on a heated seat feels like heaven.  I usually like to bring my novel and settle in for the afternoon.  In fact, where do you think this blog is being written.....?  Usually, when a toilet seat is toasty, you know someone else's bottom has warmed it up and it's slightly repulsive to imagine.  But not here.  You are spared from that sensory imagery by a super charged built-in heater. And that's not all a Japanese toilet has to offer.  You can also give the front or back a thorough rinsing with a variety of water pressure and undulating pulse actions.  But the fun doesn't stop there.

Ever feel slightly embarrassed when people can hear you trickling or straining?  Fear not.  Just press the musical note button and all your humiliation can be drowned out by the fake flushing noise.  You can also control the volume if proceedings get louder.  I once laughed at this option and asked the question "why are people so embarrassed - what else are they going to be doing in there?"  However, I too fell prey to the allure of masking one's toilet noises.  This occurred when I worked at a 'women only' university, and didn't want some of the more delicate students to hear the aftermath following my morning cafe latte (double shot), while they were sticking on their fake eyelashes in the bathroom.

The squat toilet variety are another story - I seriously don't understand why they went from crouching over a hole in the ground, straight to a toilet that resembles a space ship.  There's no in-between.  If in doubt, go through the door that says 'western toilet' - it has a seat.  Squat toilets really work for some....perhaps not so well for children - feet can go in easily, and that's no fun for anyone....mainly me.  It does however, go a long way to explaining the cultural norm of removing shoes indoors.

Japanese toilets are clean.  I would even pick up a cream bun that I dropped near the base and keep on eating it.  Those cleaners really get right in there and get the job done.  Most public toilets are cleaner than the palms of a person with a particularly bad case of hand washing OCD. It's also comforting to know you won't find a Hershey's Kiss on the back of the seat (this happened to me in Israel).  Additionally, you can thoroughly clean your own toilet seat beforehand (and after, if you care about your heinous germs infiltrating strangers backsides...some people do, I swear), by using the toilet sanitising spray.  Or perhaps line that seat with a paper protector (provided in yet another wall unit).  Even do both.  Furthermore, there are often ashtrays mounted on the walls, if you need to spark up a ciggy to move some of that backlog through the final bend.  Finally, many toilets will automatically flush upon a job well done and deodorize the bowl.  Yep, there's a lot going on in a Japanese toilet.

We once had a toilet in our Tokyo apartment that went even further into the world of the surreal.  It would sense when you were approaching and automatically lift the lid.  If it was a stand up performance, you could press a button on the wall, and the seat would also rise.  It would also self-flush on completion, and close both the seat and the lid.  I wonder if the inventor had a nagging wife who would abuse him day and night for leaving the seat up.  Finally he must have thought - "That's it, the bitch has driven me to toilet design".... Maybe he forgot about divorce.  Anyway, when my sister came to stay, I told her that the toilet was robotic and called Sven, and that "he" operated on voice control.  I told her that you had to call out "I'm coming Sven" as you approached.  I showed her how you could say "For boys Sven"  (while I was secretly pressing the button on the wall panel to make the seat go up).  To make it flush she had to instruct it "Flush for me Sven"; and finally "That's enough for now Sven" to achieve lid closure.   I also told her tone was important.  She should be firm, but also friendly, as we didn't want to upset Sven's feelings.  Every time she went to the toilet I could hear her being kind, yet direct with "Sven".  I didn't tell her the truth until she was boarding the bus on the way to the airport.  I love gullible people.  They make the world go round.

Toilet training your children while on the move can be a bit of a challenge.  I had a lot of success when they just turned two, because we lived in a hot climate for three months, and they were always in the nude.  However, when we left I worried about them being clothed, and on the plane, as well as tourist-ing around cities.  I put 'pull-ups' on them, which wasn't a great success.  One child regressed almost straight away, while the other one regressed on the following multi-legged journey back to Australia.  Once we were in the one place for an extended period of time, I started again. Only this time I just dealt with the 'accidents' when we once again started travelling, and made sure we had frequent loo breaks and 'rewards'.  Whatever you want to give for a reward should work well.  Stickers are no good for me,  as I shove them at them constantly when we're on planes and in restaurants.  Dried fruit is kind of in the same basket.  Against my usual feelings towards sugar, but suggested by a friend, I used mini m&ms.  They're tiny and they really seemed to work.  One little choccy for each visit - even a try.  I also started up the chant "A poo gets two, a poo gets two" to prevent a more unpleasant incidents.  However, I was slightly embarrassed when they started chanting it while I was being shown around an apartment by a real estate agent in Melbourne.  I also decided against potties the second time around.  I was always anti emptying them (all that sticking to the sides is worse than a nappy), even though they can use them independently.  But if you want your children to be happy using all kinds of public toilets, I would perhaps suggest starting them on the big toilet at home.  It's true you have to help them, but I think it's worth it.

At least I don't have trouble getting them to the toilet in Japan.  Each visit is like a trip to an amusement arcade...all those buttons and "flush" music.  The only downside is being hit in the face by a pulsating stream of warm water while you're trying to wave your hand in front of the flush sensor.  Where's Sven when you need him......?