Can't Ex-Train it

I have done an absolute crap-load of travelling by train in Japan.  In fact, it may not be an exaggeration to say, of my total time spent in Japan ever, half of it has been on a train. I think that's probably true for most Japanese people as well.  Commutes are long, sometimes over two hours each way.  No wonder so many people think of trains as the perfect place for a nap.  It looks sort of cute to see businessmen slumping onto each other's shoulders in dreamy abandonment.  Once I actually saw a man sleeping standing up.  Not just lightly dozing either.  He was gripping onto one of those dangling handles and snoring loudly.  That impressed me.  Sometimes it's annoying though.  You're sitting on the train minding your business and some chick keeps crashing out, hitting your shoulder and waking up, time after time after time.  When in a shitty mood (read most of the time)  I would just fiercely elbow the sleeping strangers awake every time they touched me.  Gotta do something to keep entertained.  At times I would look around and realise I was the only person awake.  All those wallets were looking mighty attractive.......

Eating is frowned upon in the streets, but on the train it's virtual buffet of feasting.  Particularly on long trips.  Each station has a sort of lunch box special that they proudly promote....though tell me why dried fish products take up such a beloved space in the hearts of every train traveller.  Every time someone  cracks open a packet of that dried squid, I just want to scruff them, scream "Are you fucking out of your mind, that shit stiiiiinnnkkkssss" and toss the whole pack out the window (including the bit in their mouth).  I really don't know how some people can go there.  But people can go to many revolting places, such as the man I once caught filming me on his mobile and wanking under a newspaper.  I spent the rest of the evening showering and rocking in the corner......

The train is apparently a pretty sexy place.  I was astonished to find once, that every single one of my female students at one school I taught in, had been involved in a train groping incident.  It's rife.  So much so, that at certain times on certain trains in Tokyo, some of the cars are labelled "Women Only".  This is so that women can ride in peace (or have a standing up nap) without having some old codger rub his family jewels up their leg once it gets a bit crowded.  Once, when running late, myself and a co-worker dashed into the "Women's Only" car and squeezed through the closing doors at the last minute. The feeling of pure hatred that pulsed through the carriage was unmistakable, and my co-worker began to visibly shake in his boots.  At once the women turned on him, and he was hounded out, beaten with rolled up newspapers by a hundred women screaming "rapist" and "kill the filthy pervert".  I too got carried away and got a couple of kicks into his ribs (that will teach him for nicking my whiteboard marker....twisted scum...).  OK fine, really he just felt uncomfortable, and of his own choice made a hasty departure, headed for the carriages of fellow gropers. When I rode in the non-women carriage though, I really did feel as though I had a sign on my upper thigh that said "All penis's please apply"; like I was a total and complete shameless slut - apart from the grey polyester pants-suit....Like I said, gotta do something to keep entertained on those long commutes...

In Shinjuku, in the red light district, among the hostess bars, and women sitting in green jelly clubs, there are fake train carriages where (paid) sexy girls stand, just awaiting a good old grope.  I once tried to get in to check it out once (research not groping), but unfortunately no gaijin (foreigners) are allowed.  You western perverts will just have to go the real thing....apparently nobody says anything if that inspires your confidence......

Well, after that trip into disturbia, I feel like I can hardly bring my children into the one sided conversation....but let me try......Apart from the perverts, the wankers, the squid, the snoring, and the drunkenness, travelling with your kids on Japan's trains kicks big arse.  It really is the easiest, cheapest and most convenient way to get around.  The prices can go up substantially though, when travelling by the super fast trains (shinkansen) between large cities.  Most travel agents recommend JR passes (applied for before you enter Japan), but just remember that these passes only allow you to use one of the train companies in Japan, and not the really fast trains within this group (the Nozomi and Mizuho trains).  In the cities, it is often the metro lines (not JR trains) that are faster, cheaper and more convenient.  If you do buy a pass, you will be able to choose between a 7, 14 and 21 day pass.  You must also choose between a "Green Car" and "Ordinary Car".  The "Green Car" pass is a bit more expensive, but much better.  Even with a JR pass you cannot be guaranteed a seat on the train.  You could be standing for a long time.  With the "Green Car", it is more spacious and comfortable and usually much emptier, so you are more likely to get seats together, and even have empty seats available for your non-paying under 6 year olds.  Get this JR pass only if you intend to do quite a bit of rail travel in Japan though; and get to the platform early, line up, and get that seat!

I prefer travelling by train in Europe too.  It's usually such a hassle to get yourself and all you stuff to the airport, go through all of the airport crap (check-in, luggage weighing, security, waiting, boarding... blah blah blah).  Train stations are right in the centre of cities.  You can walk around on board freely (none of this "we are entering an area of turbulence" bullshit), the food is semi-OK too, and you can use mobiles, the internet etc.  The only downer is carting your luggage on and off the train and through the station.  And also running late through a busy station.....that's a pretty familiar feeling let me tell you.

So my advice, go the trains - have a wank, eat some squid, rub up against various thighs and take a nap.  After all when in Rome......