Up, Up and Awaaaaaaayyyy

Qantas have really lifted their game lately.  On a recent flight across the strait, I was astonished to find that there were mini screens in the back of every seat.  Not only that, but on offer was a wide variety of TV shows and movies for everyone's viewing pleasure.  There was even Puss In Boots, which sent Valli into a psychotic breakdown of excitement.  The food was also vastly improved, and presented in individual sacks.  Sadly, no crème brûlée, but a muesli bar and sandwich usually hit the target for inoffensive fare.  And if Puss In Boots wasn't enough entertainment, the girls were gifted with a multi-activity pack including 3D glasses.....On our recent Qantas international flight the twins actually received Elmo sacks with other assorted Sesame goods.  Amazing.  Yet annoying to have yet two more bags to carry off the plane.

Keep applying ladies, it can only help.

Who cares that the Qantas hostesses are a bit rough?  Actually, I care that they're a bit rough.  There aren't enough 3D glasses on board to smooth out some of those edges....in any dimension.   There was one in particular on our last flight from Tokyo who was down right scary while simultaneously being annoying.  She had one of those overly familiar loud senses of humour.  Just get me a Baileys and shove off love......Australian air hostesses just aren't easy on the eye either.  All that sun damage.  The crappy aboriginal art sack dresses don't help either.  Although apparently it's good enough for Ralph Fiennes......I prefer Asian airlines.  They sack all their staff when they get over 25 years and/or over 55kg.  They are so fresh and pleasant.  It's like being waited on by a cabin of oriental supermodels. Occasionally you get one who's like an evil fairytale Chinese Princess.  That can be intimidating.  Don't hit the call button too often, whatever you do.  She might poison a magic apple.   Evil or not, they always look so fresh.  The only downside is that I always feel worse about my own raggedness, while staring at their dewy cheeks.  At least I feel at home with the Aussies.  I can get on their level, bitch about Nicole Kidman's forehead etc while scamming another Baileys.

Remember, these are the best they've got

But compared to American flight attendants, Aussie ones are like a cross between an albino Pygmy possum and Miranda Kerr.  I have never wanted to get off a plane and away from a team of stewardesses as much as I do when flying domestically in The States.  The union protects them from a sacking due to age and bitterness.  And then they, in turn, take out all their life frustrations on the unfortunate group of people who have been trapped in a big steel flying box with them for several hours.  Once, an air hostess was so terrifying, that the other passengers and I were exchanging glances and whispering  "What should we do?  Are we under threat?  Does it qualify as emotional terrorism? And if so, can we crash tackle her and duct tape her to the toilet for the remainder of the flight?".  Then the word would go out - "She's coming!".....We would immediately all stop talking, and have eyes straight ahead as she stalked the aisle looking for a person who had taken their shoes off, or had their ipod on too loud.  I wonder if this same woman was the one that was hauled off a flight for raving at passengers, and taken away in handcuffs last month.  Some passengers described the experience as "demonic", and "blood-curdling", reminiscent of a scene from the movie "The Exorcist". http://digitaljournal.com/article/321029

Ryan Air and their official uniforms.

A friend of mine once had a flight attendant who was, in his words "Basically a dude in a dress".  That's fine.  I'm all for expressions of gender identity - but if you're going the dress why not have a shave, or wax your arms.  Jazz yourself up a little.  Really go with the look once you've committed to a dress.  Apparently a South West Airlines pilot was suspended from duty last year, after he didn't realise his microphone was on and started hanging all kinds of shit on his co-workers....the only sentence that wasn't predominantly swear words (and therefore published) was his despair over  "a continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes (i.e. fatties)."  I s'pose quickies in the cockpit aren't what they used to be.....He was reinstated after undergoing diversity training.....Like that helped.  The co-workers were still going be be unfuckable.  He should have moved to Ryan Air.

Japanese flight attendants are of course lovely and young.  Becoming an air hostess is possibly the most desired job for any young Japanese woman.  I used to teach them English when I worked in Tokyo. There was even the fake inside of plane in one large room.  Completely realistic.   I used to sneak in their at lunch time and practice on the microphone "Cabin Attendants. Please prepare for landing.  Disarm doors and cross check".  It was embarrassing on the day I didn't notice the janitor dusting in the corner.  As soon as I would walk into my classroom every morning, my students would all be sitting straight up, legs crossed, make up done beautifully.  Contrast this with a person who had bed hair, caramel macchiato splashed on their shirt, and did their make up on a moving train in morning peak hour.  I think they respected me.  Deep, deep down.  I recently met one of them on a flight from Tokyo to Sapporo.  She had made it to the air!  She was an attendant on Air Do - a cut price version of ANA.  It was pretty shitty.  Especially under Japanese standards.   Akiko was seemed pleased to see me and meet the twins.  She gave us a special Air Do child's present. A "Squeezy Mascot".  I'm currently using it as a door stop in the bathroom.  I saved it, because I found it so amusing that a stuffed felt apple could have 11 Instructions accompanying it.  I might share them in the following photo;

Looks harmless enough.....

For christ sake people.  It's an apple.  If they're so concerned with safety they should scrub that rust off the door.  It's disconcerting upon entry.  If you want my advice regarding flying with this company I would say "Air Don't.  With Qantas I would say - if you enjoy the (Bogan) Spirit of Australia you will love it....Most Asian airlines are the way forward - except Air India.   This is where the aged Japanese flight attendants go, and you can see their pain as they work alongside their Indian co-workers who crash out in the landing chair for a quarter of the flight.  They then wake up, hide out the back and eat the passenger's left overs, only to come back out with it slopped all down the front of their sari's.  Try not to get a seat near the toilets either.  The locks on the doors are broken and they bang open and shut the entire flight, as the smell of stale urine filters through the cabin.  I think Singapore is my all time favourite though.  I even once had a skirt in their uniform fabric.  Just watch out for any evil Asian storytime princesses overly-cautiously coming towards you with a felt apple.

Fresh, almost too fresh