Spic and Span

I'm not the world's neatest human.  Tidying up has never been my strong point.  I like to think I'm not dirty - but I can't deny that I am messy.  I'm the kind of person who, when they cook dinner, uses every dish in the house and spreads mess across the entire kitchen.  My car's passenger seat resembles a rubbish dump, and I can count the number of times I've made my bed on one hand.

Having not had to do any cleaning or cooking for a while, I had basically forgotten what a grot I was.  Teams of over-enthusiastic Japanese women had been dealing with my family's mess for the last five weeks.  I think I had deluded myself that this new lease of clean living was to be credited to myself.  However, during the last few days I have had to re-admit to myself that I am in fact an animal.

My living room.....OK maybe not

This comes as no surprise to my mother.  At times my bedroom floor was so covered in clothes that I couldn't open the door.  I would wade out of bed in the morning.  It would also come to as no news to my travelling companion during '97, '98.  She had to share a tiny hotel room with me.  I remember, she would wake up and immediately make her bed, while her grotty room-mate would roll out of bed with banana skins stuck in her hair (I was trying a new cure for what I thought was a tiny wart on my finger - wrapping it in banana skin and foil and going to bed with it on).  Our room had an invisible line straight down the middle.  A friend of ours would crack up every time she came in, and would say, pointing to the stacks of perfectly folded clothes "Leo".  Then she would gesture (with disgust - she too was a Leo)  towards the clothes spread all over the floor and the browning fruit peels on my pillow - "Aquarius" (her room mate was also Aquarius- I think it was a sore point).

So I've been going hard the last few days on the setting up of our new apartment.  Plus I've washed about 4000 items.  I didn't just have to wash the actual dirty things, but also the clean things that were packed in tight with the dirties, and became tainted, by association, with their filth.  I also did things like reclaimed garage stored clothing, then promptly put it into the op shop pile, sorted through junky toys, and chucked out some new toxic textas I bought the girls at the airport.  Usually I check labels to make sure they wash out.  Obviously I didn't quite catch the info in Japanese, that most likely said "Will permanently stain clothes and furniture, and temporarily stain skin for four days".  Luckily I managed to turf them before they got further than the chair legs. Property destruction is always awkward in rental properties.  We have had a bit of experience in fixing up a few mishaps, so as we don't lose our bond.

Below is a list that works;

Crayon on bricks = spray WD-40 and scrub with a stiff bristle brush.  Then wipe clean with a soft cloth

Crayon on carpet= scrape off excess with a knife, then spray WD-40 and scrub with a stiff bristle brush.  Then pour on detergent and work it in with the brush, then use a damp cloth to wipe it off.  Be prepared to repeat.

Basically anything crayon is on, use the same technique as for carpet.  Works for pencil too.

Textas will come off with warm water and soap or you can use a bit of nail polish remover. In clothes - rinse first  - if it stays, then pour on alcohol (rubbing not vodka) or eucalyptus oil.  Then wash it in hot water.

Carpet cleaner can get paint off upholstery.  Laundry powder with bleach should get paint out of clothing.

Vomit and shit can be cleaned off suede in the same way.  First scrape it all off with a knife (this is worst stage - try not to vomit yourself), then blot area with a clean damp sponge.  Then make a paste of laundry detergent and water and apply.  Leave it for about 30 minutes.  Then scrape off the paste and wipe off excess with a cool damp cloth.

Shit off carpet - use 2 cups warm water and 1 tablespoon dishwashing liquid + 1 tablespoon white vinegar mix to dab at it.  If it's still there, use hydrogen peroxide and a couple of drops of ammonia.

Hydrogen peroxide is a good fix-a-stain.  I used it to clean blood and red wine off my carpet (mixed with dishwashing liquid). * Don't use it as a homemade teeth whitening rinse unless you want mouth ulcers all over your tongue that require you to take six panadeine fortes a day, and make you speak like you've got a newly acquired case of cerebral palsy.

You can use nail polish remover to remove nail polish stains- some people say no acetone - but I think only acetone really gets the job done (maybe test it first).  It can also remove black hair dye stains from your white bath tub in a fancy hotel in Kyoto.  Be careful with it, you can dissolve the thing you're trying to clean - eg holes in acrylic carpet.

Make up can be a killer.  My friend copped a $200 bill from the property agents at an apartment she rented, after her two year old got creative with some eye shadow;  My children go crazy for my make up.  Once I walked in to find my daughters entire face coated in mascara - thickly too, and the brush was bent.  Serious applying there.

Lipstick: Rubbing Alcohol, or paint remover and then dry cleaning fluid (this is safe for wool)

Mascara and Eye-liner: ¼ quarter teaspoon of Dawn or Joy dishwashing soap mixed with 1 cup of warm water

Liquid Foundation: 3 % hydrogen peroxide solution or non-flammable dry-cleaning solution.

Blush, Eye Shadow or Powdered Foundation (non-oil based): 5-6 drops of mild laundry detergent mixed with 1 cup of cold water.

In all cases, scrape of excess, then pour on cleaner and blot - don't rub.  Keep at it 'til it goes.  If the foundation is dry you might have to leave the hydrogen peroxide on it for an hour or so.

And just a couple more tips as learnt by personal experience;

If you bash a hole in the side of your bench while trying to break up ice, just fill it with putty and hang an umbrella over it when your landlord comes for an apartment check.

If your iron melts a hole in the top of your washing machine leave the lid up on inspection day.

If your two year old breaks a $1000 ipod dock, just pretend it was like that when you arrived.

If you create any stains that won't come out of floors, subtly rearrange furniture.


Good luck, and always remember, deception and cheap fixes are the only way forward.