Definitely Not In-vein

If these were my legs, I wouldn't be worried about the vein

Today I went down a path I never imagined my feet would tread.  I (or rather my doctor), used needles to deal with an unsightly physical issue, and future problematic concern.   "Your non-existant top lip"  I hear the people cry....but no, 'twas not that.  It was in fact the unfortunate vein predicament that the genetic lottery (thanks Mum) kicked me in the guts with some time ago.  That minor trouble, has now been made worse, due to carrying round an extra 30 kg for a few months, and then expelling some of it almost 3 years ago - also known as "twin pregnancy and subsequent childbirth" (thanks Valli and Cords).  I'm not quite sure who Clarence Darrow is, but I'm finding particular resonance with his quote;
"The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children".
I would just like to substitute "life" for "legs" and then it fits perfectly with today's theme.

Where's the blood?  These are the photos that deceive....

I'm not sure what I had imagined would happen - perhaps a couple of tiny pin pricks to the backs of my knees I guess.  What I didn't imagine was fifty jabbed-with-a-needle entry points, lots of blood, a burning sensation that is still kicking in, and swelling.  I am currently sitting in bed wearing a pair of compression stockings (that took 20 minutes and a mechanical pulley system to get on) that cover my sore bandaged legs.  Luckily it is an actual medical issue (you get a third back from medicare to prove it's so) and not just vanity or I would feel pretty stupid.  OK OK, some of it is vanity and yes, I feel a little foolish.  Alright, like a total dickhead, stop making me admit it already......

I love 70s Bush.....

Some of us take fairly extreme measures to alter our appearances in the name of attractiveness.  I would however, like to take this opportunity to say that there is none more stupid than waxing your pubes.  For a start - once some lucky guy has gained entry downstairs, he is surely not thinking about how dusty it is.  Or am I wrong?  Seriously, pulling out your fanny hairs with hot sticky crap, most definitely shits all over a full facelift with eyelid liposuction on the pain meter.  I mean for gods sake - who invented this torture?  I just want to go back to the 70s, when maps of Tassie actually resembled a forested Tasmania.  Or even better, maps of Russia (including Siberia)....and nobody flinched when you stripped off at the beach.  I've had some bad luck in this department.  I won't go into too much detail (my ex-boss from Japan - and new facebook friend - could be reading this.....Konichiwa Ishiwata-san - gomen naisai ne), suffice to give the advice; NEVER go for an ocean dip following hair removal if you suspect your beautician may have taken off the top layer of skin as well.

I also had an excrutiating lady garden up-earthing, right before I was expecting to give birth.  God knows why I went there, because at no time when I was under those hospital lights with everybody in Hobart going in for a look - did I ever think "Wow, I'm SO glad I booked that waxing session, my vagina must look so hairless".  I honestly think though, I was screaming more during the waxing than the childbirth (as least I had an epidural on board for the latter - come to think of it, that actually should be standard pain relief with every brazilian).  I remember my beautician being quite concerned as to how I was going to manage to get two humans out though.  You think you were worried bitch......

I also love lady gardens- this is a self portrait

And worried I was.  In fact I had been worried ever since, at the tender age of four, my free-spirited auntie showed me a photo of my cousin being born.  Now, I don't know about anyone else, but the closest I had ever come to seeing that part of the human anatomy was when I was wiping my Baby Alive's arse.  I certainly had no idea where babies came from - possibly flown down a rainbow by dozens of tiny fairies on pink jewel-encrusted unicorns.....I was certainly not ready to see a bloody purple head sticking out of my auntie's 70s style fanny.  I actually went catatonic for 3 days, and held on the determination for  the following 31 years that I would never, ever, do that.

What's going on here?  Is she actually picking the doctor up during labour?

Now the nurse is looking far too happy here....

But I did, and I now support the notion that childbirth is definitely not the time to stop taking drugs.  It is in fact the time to demand everything you can get your hands on.  To all those women who declare that they love giving birth naturally, I say "good on you, you nauseating heros, and you can take that video clip of the woman orgasming during delivery and shove it up your hairy jexis".  Newborns really aren't that cute either.  I know everybody thinks their babies are the most beautiful thing they have ever seen.  However, that is just chemicals in your body lying to you so you don't reject the hideous alien that looks like it wants to crawl on top of your head and feast on your brains.....

Getting slightly carried away? Me??? Of course not.....But I do think these compression stockings are actually compressing my brain.  The worst thing is, that I have a final vein injection next Friday.  And, despite my whinging, I intend to keep it....what can I say, but admit the truth....I'm vain about veins......

Not really aliens, and certainly never "in-vein"......