Still Reeling

Often when I felt a little lazy, I would get my students to do an activity called "24 Hours In My Hometown".  They would have to plan, and then present, an exciting 24 hour schedule for a visitor to their city to partake in.  I must say, it worked a hell of a lot better when I taught English in Australia and had students from all over the world, than it did in Tokyo.  This is because there are not exactly any "sights" here.  The whole city is one big "sight" really, and there is no city centre either.  Tokyo is made up of a number of satellite districts, each of them different, and offering some kind of attraction.  For example; shopping, parks, old shit, crazy electronics coupled with girls in maid outfits.  However, when asked to do this activity, no students would put down things like "Go to the busiest train station in the world at peak hour, and watch men in white gloves people-pack the train to beyond full capacity".  That kind of thing is Tokyo gold.

What made their lists, at the top every time, without fail was "Go to Disneyland".  But I never did.  Even though I had always wanted to visit as a child I lost that desire once adulthood arrived.  It's only since I've had children of my own, that these kind of totally hideous things (like zoos and circuses) start becoming disturbingly appealing again.  After leaving Japan in a hurry last year, and abandoning the shameless tourist schedule I'd planned, this year I was determined.  We were going to Disneyland.

My girls, like so many children, have bought the Disney Promise.  Naturally it's my fault.  I would tell them the Cinderella story to get them to keep still and quiet when they were losing it in socially embarrassing situations.  They were entranced.  I perpetuated it further by enabling the watching of Tangled (Rapunzel), Toy Story, and The Little Mermaid - by the way it's nice how Disney cleaned that last tale up isn't it?  In the original, the sea witch cuts out the mermaid's tongue in exchange for legs, with which every step feels like knives sticking into her newly acquired feet.  She doesn't get the prince either, so she kills herself.....Yep, that version of the movie definitely wouldn't have been much of a money spinner for old Walt.  Or a fun ride now I come to think of it.  But of course, as usual, I digress. So back to my Disneyland day.

Cordi was up early and ready to go.

Valli lay sleeping like an angel.

But not for long....I knew I had to wake her, But I was dragging my feet.  I knew it was going to be an intense day.  Plus I'm shit in the mornings, and Valli is a mini-me.   Once we were up and moving, it was remarkably easy to get there though, which is always the way in Japan.  When you first arrive, you feel like it's the most confusing place ever.  Then you realise that the entire country is set up to be as convenient and as well run as possible.  Particularly Tokyo.  But all I can say is....the crowds, the crowds, the god dam christ almighty crowds.  Fifty thousand people were there today.  That is a serious amount of jostling humans.  Ride lines were, of course, miles long and pretty much futile.  A three minute spin just doesn't justify a seventy five minute wait.  They have a system at some of the rides where you can punch in your "passport" and it will tell you when to come back for your turn.  Then you can bugger off and eat mountains of caramel popcorn,  puke on Minnie when she gives you a squeezy hug, go back for your ride, puke some more popcorn on the people next to you, and stagger off to wait in another line at the toilets so you can wash your chin.  Unfortunately the fast pass wasn't working at the only ride we wanted to use it on.  The waiting time at Pooh's Honey Pot was 140 minutes.  There were actually people joining this line.  Can you believe that shit?  Two hours and twenty minutes to ride around in a giant honey pot pretending it was totally worth standing in the sun, your kids starving and screaming, yourself busting for the toilet while being dehydrated at the same time, cursing that wanker Mickey and all the other knobs.

We went on Alice's spinning tea cups instead.....short line, spinning induced nausea, lots of screaming.

Cordi pissed her pants with excitement again.  In a tea cup.  Poor little bugger.  This time I was prepared for pissing due to overstimulation.  I had stolen a mini towel from the hotel, and after I put her clean pants on, I also used a nappy, as I predicted further future fanny failure.  It paid off, as she lost her mind (and thus bladder control) when we bought her a banana muffin shaped like Mickey's head.

I think the parade was a highlight for the girls.  Well, it sure was for a lot of Japanese people.  There were families setting up plastic mats by the kerb an hour before they all marched on by, just so they'd get a good view.  Those characters they have there, are unbelievable.  They are not fucking around there with some cheap actors and crappy costumes.  They are such exact copies of the Disney characters that I found myself getting star struck.  They were signing autographs as "Cinderella" and "Prince Charming" too.  Those giant smiles never left their faces.  I wondered if their jaws hurt.  They also never stopped moving during the parade - those excited freaks looked like they'd taken a powerful cocktail of amphetamines and ecstasy.  I imagined, that unbeknown to the characters, management secretly pump it through the air vents in the staffroom every morning, just as the Prince is working his way through his second double espresso trying to get in the spirit......"Wow!  I feel amazing! That coffee never fails me!  Where are you Cindy? - Let's go smile like maniacs for the next ten hours...".  Meanwhile Cinderella's by the croissants, not eating any, chain smoking and finally admitting to Rapunzel that she's always been jealous of her hair.

I also couldn't help thinking about an article I cut out of the Japan Times one morning a few years back, that could be explained away by chemical enhancement.   Apparently Goofy and Minnie were fired due to being sprung getting down and dirty....... in their costumes!  I actually think kids might have been the springers.   Jesus aren't those poor little buggers going to be troubled for life?  Maybe Mickey and Minnie would be OK....but Goofy?  What the hell is he anyway?  That question was never properly addressed in Stand By Me.  I doubt Cinderella has to fend off the Prince though, he looks like a gay sauna advertisement model.  The girls were scared of Cinderella, but Cordi warmed to Snow White, even though she called her "Courtney".

Talking of troubled Japanese youth, there are some very obsessed fans there.  I remember some of my students saying they had been there more than twenty times.  There were groups of dressed up teenagers sitting all over the ground like they were in Harajuku, hanging out, looking like freaks, Disney crap hanging off every square inch of their bodies  - just go to Harajuku dudes - it doesn't cost seventy five bucks.  Also, I just don't think it's dignified for a grown man to wear a giant top hat with Disney character soft toys pinned all over it.  Or stylish for an adult couple to dress in matching purple faux fur head pieces and capes.  Maybe I'm being too critical, after all, who doesn't love a dress up?  In the Tokyo marathon a few years back, there was an eighty something couple dressed like Micky and Minnie.  They waved the entire 42km.

Ooooh Mummy it shimmers

It's a fit!

Far too relaxed on a throne

We didn't stay all day.  It was just too exhausting and too overwhelming.  After a ride on the carousel, and a visit into the "Cinderella's Fairytale Castle", which included the trying on of glass slippers and sitting on thrones, we were finished.  Back to Australia tomorrow night.  Goodbye lovely Japan, and up yours Disney.  I did secretly like you though. Not enough to load up on wares though.  We made sure not to "exit through the gift shop".  It's OK though, they still love their Barbie's.......for now.....

Just a quick amendment.  The epicentre of last night's earthquake was in Fukushima, not beneath Tokyo.  Just goes to show how good my Japanese is.....