Wedding Messes

Despite what is projected in the media - social and otherwise, I would venture to suggest that there is one crime, and one crime alone that Israel needs to be held accountable for.  That heinous act, is the one carried out in the name of bridal fashion.  For a few shorts days, when the possibility dawned on me that I may have to carry out a search for my wedding frock in this country, I broke off the engagement and tried to get my deposit back from Moorilla.  Luckily, it was a false alarm, and the relief was like a shower of rose petals, when I was bracing, open mouthed, to be pelted by 3 day old fish guts.  By the way, what's the most disgusting thing you can imagine eating? (it has to be an actual a food  - don't go for poo, it's a cheap shot).  I would say that mine is the substance I watched uni students eat while on one of those disgusting "Iron Man" competitions during my first "O" week.  When the 3rd round came, which involved the eating of cornflakes soaked in claret, and as I watched my peers shovel that soggy crap into their mouths, vomit in the chuck bins, and then resume their chow down, I became overwhelmed.  For evermore, the mere thought of that unholy combination has induced a series of dry retching.....

She likes her lady garden to be on the outside too

Where the magic starts

But like usual, I digress, and it's back to the task at hand.  Currently, the discussion of the unique Israeli bride look:  I guess I would describe it as sort of "Slut Meets Yards of Putrid Material".  I think that sums it up best.  Who would have thought that a see-through corset teamed with 200 white boas could be passed off as true elegance?  Before, not so much....now I could be convinced.  During last year's stay in Tel Aviv, our apartment was located right next to a series of wedding shops.  

There was a particular store whose displays literally burnt out my eyeballs with horror every time I had to walk past. Which was often.  But not only did I have to contend with the window atrocities, it was the clientele.  Every time I looked out my window there was yet another troupe of tackiness.  Each bridesmaid's gown was always more hideous than the next, culminating in the height of retina searing - the Queen Wedding Tramp herself.  She's spilling out more fabric than Kirsty Alley bolting from the paps in the parking lot of Burger King after her latest blow out.  She's twirling around like an child with ADD who's forgotten to take his ritalin.  She's so consumed by her own perceived gloriousness, that she fails to notice that she's taking out children passing innocently by, whose last moments on earth consist of choking on sequins and white feathers.  And while all of the above is going on, she's simultaneously entangling small animals in her train. Her nipples are actually waving in the breeze, her navel is on display and she's a metre taller than the groom (and extremely wobbly).   The make-up....oh god the make-up.  I've never seen more since MAC launched their tranny range at their mega store in NYC. 

Even more stunning on 

More poof than when Julian McClary sat down on a small round cushion

I could also never understand why wedding parties seemed very fond of having their first set of photos taken on a dirty street bench outside a seven eleven.  But then again, if you can face your new mother-in-law as "Bridal Prostitute",  then I guess your senses have been distorted as to what is, and what isn't, appropriate behaviour at wedding time.  I will hardly even touch upon the shoes.  But believe me when I say that GIANT platforms, shiny white satin and hundreds of glittering diamantes are definitely plat du jour.

Wedding flip flops - there are new lows

To be fair, I have only ever been to 2 weddings in Israel, and in both of these instances the brides were beyond perfect.  One looked like an etheral storybook princess, and the other an exotic bohemian princess.  They were sisters though, and also our family members, so it just goes to show that genology goes a long way - even in the selection of wedding gowns. 

Stunning Sunny

Gorgeous Yasmin

Luckily however, I was saved from the Sluts in White Satin experience of actually having to try even one of the previously mentioned monstrosities.  And yes, I was thinking to do it for the purposes of this blog.  However, when it's 35 degrees and you're cracking a sweat in your bikinis, the last thing you're hanging out to do is become swathed in nylon and polyester.  It's not even worth it for art's sake people......Yet still, the temptation was definitely there.  However, like most bridal boutiques, you have to make appointments (and even make deposits of $ refundable on actually showing up at the said time).  I guess this takes away the spontaneous "Lets go dress up in a stoopid dress, laugh a lot and take photos with our iphone" idea, like what they do in the movies.....

The see-through corset is a stayer

So next time you're invited to an Israeli wedding, don't try and compete with the bride.  It's a strictly casual dress code for guests.  The bride alone, and her troupe of tarts, are the only ones allowed to show some skin.  At least the groom gets a decent preview before it's too late.  There's something to be said there.  Maybe it is all about been practical instead of putrid......Nah.....it's definitely all about the explosion of tits meets tulle......Mazel tov slutty brides, and shalom for now Israel!

The shy retiring sort