Village Life in the Abruzzo High Plains

It was with a certain amount of pleasure that we zipped out of Rome, past all the tourists caught unexpectedly by the rain - while trying to see another bloody Roman fountain - in our brand new Audi Q5.  Sometimes Chalks works wonders with old Avis and goes hard on negotiating a free upgrade or two.  This round he was successful.  We programed in "no highways" and took to the open roads.  I love that feature of a GPS.  What's the point being on a highway when on a roadtrip in another country? - You may as well be on the Southern Outlet on your way to Kingston.  A good look at the authentic foreign scenery is what it's all about.  And piles of petrol station goodies with labels you can't read. And pissing on the side of the road while other cars beep you.  Anyway, as we drove out of the city limits, I couldn't help but notice a stream of tartily dressed young women standing, or sitting, on the side of the road.   It took me a while to click on - I'd never seen side-of-the-road hookers before.  Who says you can't really appreciate cultural experiences from the comfort of your car?  I guess those Italian drivers have got to do something before (or after) all those long hours on the road. I also noticed they were divided into sections.  First the Caucasian looking ones who were sitting on chairs and talking (now I come to think about it, maybe they were just chicks having a chat.....); then came the really pretty, enthusiastic, African girls trying to wave down cars; then, the not so pretty African ones looking shitty; then the African trannies - who seemed to be fighting; then the really old and overweight ones that did not look to happy at all and were sitting on the ground.  Apparently in some areas, they hang their undies and bras on the trees to signal that they're ready for business.  I guess it gives new meaning to taking the Scenic "Root".

Could she be doing a wee?

There just can't be much job satisfaction can there?

inviting romantic interlude anyone?

Although a GPS is god's gift to people with no sense of direction, ours is on the spak at the moment.  It seizes up from time to time, and then goes on a "recalculating" frenzy.  Also, the maps are outdated - it tries to lead us up stairs and into fields on occasion.  It has also been known to take us on a merry dance to absolutely nowhere.  Or perhaps, how about guiding us to the world's most narrow, cobblestoned road through a mountain village.  I hate to say "I told you so", actually no I don't, I live to say "I told you so" - but I warned Chalks we weren't going to fit.  And fit we didn't.  We were literally jammed in tight between two stone walls.  Actually, the side view mirror was jammed so tight against the wall that we couldn't move forward or back.  There was no forward anyway.  Forward was waaaaaaaay off the list of options.  The options were;

1.Stay there forever
2.Try to get a bigger car to pull us out (but how would they fit down there in the beginning? Ditto for a tow-truck)
3. Attempt the reverse up tiny, narrow, winding lane.

I was the guide.  It really spells disaster from the start doesn't it.  I was later joined by an old Italian man, his wife, an angry old woman (her Fiat was parked a whisker away from us), and another old man wearing a Ferrari T-shirt.  All of the guides but me (of course) were directing in Italian - I was directing in a kind of incomprehensible screech language of my own invention, and having a heart attack every second (in English). Unfortunately I was too overwhelmed to get the camera out for a step by step image account of the proceedings - sorry.  The kids were screaming to get out because the sun was in their eyes.  Basically it was good times all round for poor Chalks.  To add insult to injury, apparently there was some setting on the car that made it impossible for him to get power while in reverse.  It was a disaster.  And one that took 40 minutes to get out of.  What a god dam nightmare.  Fuck you Garmin.  Though in fairness to our GPS, it turned out we only scratched a little bit of the panel near the top of the wheel, and the mirror was a little hacked up.  And we did in fact get out.   So it could have been worse, far worse.....an embarrassing call to Avis for example....can helicopters actually tow cars?

Would you drive a large automobile through here?

The girls transition from city to rural - Cordi adds a hat, Valli messes up her hair

The high plains of Abruzzo were our destination, and what a picturesque place they were indeed.  Tiny villages (which we now parked a kilometre from, just in case), ruined castles, pretty wildflowers, and olive trees everywhere.  How nice.  The air smelt of pine trees.  We were headed for a tiny village called Sant Stefano Di Sessano.  This was once a little village in decay and decline.  However, part of it was bought by a billionaire as a tribute to his love for Italy (why not just say it with a card dude?), which was then turned into a beautiful hotel.  However, the hotel is integrated with the village itself.  The rooms are within old residences, which have hardly been changed.  Their aim is to keep the original character of the village, and make all modern conveniences unobtrusive.  The walls are original stone and blackened from candles, the floors are stone, the furniture basic, but functional.  There are a lot of candles, but also subtle electric lights and under floor heating.  The beds are so comfortable and covered in bedspreads hand woven in the village.  The bath is a free standing modern tub, as are all bathroom conveniences - but they seem to work with the place.  All the products such a soap and shampoo are made in the village, as is the food which us all sourced locally from farmers in the area.  Amazing hand made cheeses, hand cured prosciutto, fresh seasonal fruit and juices, wines, lentils, organic meats, homemade cakes and pies. Piles of deliciousness.....and cellulite......

Just taking a country stroll.....

Our living room

Rustic comfort

the dining room

peeking out their bedroom window

Just as I was imagining spending the rest of my life in the village spinning some yarn and perfecting my latest batch of peach jam, I was rudely jolted back to reality with the arrival home, in the cottage next door, of a rather drunk, young, upper-class English couple.  Their happiness soon turned into an out and out brawl (as many drunken escapades tend to).  But this particular screaming match was one of the best I have ever heard.  Three hours long, smashing of things, physical brawling, screaming, the chick running away, getting lost in the village and then coming home bawling her eyes out.  She really got psychotic after that. Let me tell you some of my favourite of Katy's quotes - and I know her name was Katy because Joel was pleading "Katy Katy, please stop it Katy".  And I know his name was Joel due to some lines such as "You're a fucking arsehole Joel" "I hate you Joel" and my personal favourite "I wish you'd die Joel, just diiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee". So back to some of Katy's best;

"You're a shit father, a shit boyfriend, a shit person, you're just shit, shit shit SHIIIIIIIIIT"
"Get off the bed or I'm going to murder you, I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU"
"You're a paedophile, and a fucking rapist"
"You hate me, you HATE meeeeee, I'll show YOU hate!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH"
And finally "I just want a cuddle, cuddle meeeeeeeeeeee"

And some of Joel's best;
"Jesus Christ Katy - I think you broke my nose"
"I've got bloody bite marks on my neck Katy" .......and
"OWWWW - You just nearly bit my finger off"

At first I was really enjoying the show, hanging out the bedroom window commentating to Chalks.  I got sprung my some other neighbours spying, but I sprung them too, so it was an awkward retreat from all of us.  However, after three hours, it got kind of tiring.  When she starting screaming "You haaatttteee me" again, I must admit I was tempted to call out " Ummm he's not the only one Katy". Now if we were in an actual hotel those insulated walls would have sucked up a fair bit of noise.  In a village, everybody knows everybody else's business, because everyone can actually hear everybody else's business.  Every single word of it.  As clear as day.  The next morning at breakfast, everybody in the dining room was side glancing each other.  They, as I'm sure I did, looked kind of sheepish, almost guilty.  Eavesdropping on other people's screaming brawls can have that effect.  Plus, one of us couples could have been Katy and Joel - the Katy and Joel...As everybody heard them, but nobody actually saw them, we all wanted to know - Who were Katy and Joel???  We knew their profile - young, upper class, English, Katy's eyes would be swollen from so much bawling, while Joel would have chunk marks out of his neck and his finger, plus a broken nose.  Nobody fitted the profile.  I made sure to talk in the broadest Australian accent possible, and encouraged Chalks to wear a t-shirt rather than a collared shirt so his non-bitten neck would be on display.

I'm sure Katy and Joel would have been up early the next morning and split town.  That's what I would have done.  I was disappointed.  I had come to know a lot about them from that three hour brawl - Katy is the new girlfriend of Joel, a recently divorced Englishman with kids to his first wife.  Katy is having trouble with the fact that Joel and his ex-wife are in contact often, apparently (according to Joel) about the kids.  It was a great soap opera, and I really wanted to know more.  Not just "What Katy Did Next" (did anyone but me read that book as a child?), but what Joel did too.  Did his wounds need medical attention?  Did they have to pay for any damages to their room?  Did they go back to England the next day (as Joel threatened)?  Did they break up?  Was it awkward sitting side by side for hours in the car on the drive-out? All of these unanswered questions  I can only speculate about, and while it was pretty intense, at least it gave us something to talk about for the next couple of hours on the road.  See, just a couple of days as a villager, and I was already wrapped up in my neighbour's lives. I was fascinated, curious, and crushed that I couldn't discover more.  I fervently hoped that by some miracle Joel and Katy would end up staying next door to us in the next place we were staying in - The Caves of Matera..... No wonder televised soap operas are successful.......

I know what Valli did next - it involved hot wax and tears.....