Beep beep, beep beep, yeah!

Pretty - but not so much when stuck in the middle of it busting for the toilet....

There are a few things that frighten me.  Tarantulas crawling on my body and drinking the drool out the corner of my mouth while I'm asleep (apparently spiders do that you know - who hasn't heard the hopefully bullshit story that humans consume about 8 spiders over their lifetime while asleep).
Another fear relates to having my legs bitten off by sharks while trying to get the water out of my snorkel mask (they say it just feels like you snagged your leg on something, but I find it hard to believe that having your favourite limbs reduced to a tangled mash of blood and ripped tendons wouldn't give the sensation that you were being blow-torched and then having lemon juice squeezed all over the open weeping wounds).  A further thing of fright is the homeless lady I saw masturbating openly on a bus once.  Old Ginny still haunts my waking nightmares on occasion, while I haven't ridden a bus since.  A homeless lady's fanny is definitely a sight not worth jotting down on the "Must See"s .  And the final thing that frighten me is driving in Israel.  Mainly Tel Aviv.

Photos never seem to capture the beeping and abuse pouring forth from rolled down windows

For fucks sake.  I haven't seen a bigger mash up since me and my friends took over the dodgem car stand at my tenth birthday.  Seriously it's more touch and go than the time I mended my axle with masking tape.  And I have never seen a worse collection of drivers since Girls Day Out at the Asian driving school for the visually impaired.  And it's not just the car drivers.  Yesterday I spotted an old lady cruising down one of the main streets of Tel Aviv on her granny cart.  She did not give a flying fuck that she was in the fast lane and 20 000 cars were beeping at her.  Not one tiny morsel of doubt that perhaps she shouldn't be doing exactly what she was doing.  I admire her cheek, but not her outfit.  Definitely not her outfit.

Let us now lightly touch on the pedestrians.  They are the Royal Family of I Don't Give a Shit.  They will just march onto the road, anytime, any place.  Some will put out their hand to stop you as they cross a manic intersection - like they think they're a bloody traffic cop or something.  But most will just casually saunter out, like they have all the time in the world.  And perhaps they do.  They will hardly react to the cloud of burning tire haze that results from you having to break your foot trying to slam on the brake as hard as you can.  If at all they notice the beep, then there will be a "What??? Can't you see I'm walking here" kind of look with accompanying gestures.  It is infuriating.  But what can you do?  Kill them for payback??? It is tempting..............

Why worry about others when a falafel beckons.....

There is but another source of my fury and fear.  Mainly fury in this instance......It's the double parkers.  Now, I have been known to indulge in a double park on rare occasions.  But if so, it is the quickest mission known to man - eg. a DVD slot return at Blockbusters in the Woolworths car park.  What it is not, is a casual double park in an actual lane of one of the the busiest roads right through the centre of the city, when the car's occupant is actually sitting down at a a table eating a falafel.  I've also seen cars just pull to a halt mid lane and park there - sometimes they will attempt to mount the footpath, but will of course do a shit job and most of their vehicle will still be blocking off one lane of a two lane central road.  Then, if the beeping starts (which it inevitably does), does the driver realise his unspeakable error and move on?  As if.   Instead, the hazard lights are put on.  This honestly is the land of the driver who lives by the motto "I do not give a fuck, I am doing what I want and nobody can stop me".   Everyday we venture onto the roads it seems to be getting scarier.  It's like we're in a video game, and as we draw near to the end of our time in Israel we move up a level.  Currently we are on level 28 of our game, and I truly fear for level 29 and 30.  We literally nearly killed a man and 2 kids on bikes yesterday, when they walked out across the road hidden from our sight by a bus.  I still feel sick thinking about it.

Nothing like a terrorist check to slow down the flow.....

Another beauty is the "park save".  Fury inducing rather than fear here......This is where people will go and stand in a free parking space and ring their friends on their mobiles to tell them they've found them a space .  Then they will block that area from all other drivers trying to get into that very park.  The first time I saw it I couldn't believe it.  We actually had an all out brawl with the "saver" insisting that there was no way that kind of thing could be done.  We lost.  To a fifteen year old girl.  They breed them tough here.  When we finally found our own park and arrived 40 minutes late to the restaurant, we opened up about our story of hardship and outrage.  It was met with no sympathy. Apparently there is nothing wrong with doing this people.  As neither is there anything wrong with parking your Smart Car, bumper to gutter in a space between two parked cars.  A space so tiny that there is zero way for the properly parked car (i.e. us) to get out.  While we're at it, pulling out in front of people should be done at anytime without indication.  If you are in a lane that's supposed to be going straight ahead and you realise that you fucked up and want to turn into a side street, don't worry!  Just make sure your indicator is not on and cut across in front of the car next to you (again, us) which is going straight ahead and travelling at 60kmph.

Do you think someone from Yafo designed this sign?

Herbert Samuel by night

There is just one thing that makes me know that we are going to get out of here alive, and with no children's blood on our hands (or tires - that stuff is tricky to remove once it congeals), and that is the fact that Yom Kippur started tonight.  This is the solemn day of the year where sins are accounted for, and then prayers are said accordingly.  No issues for me there, as I am perfect.  Instead my favourite part is that there is NO DRIVING anywhere in Israel.  If you drive a car today, you will be fined by any police that spot you, have rocks chucked at you, or at the very least, have dozens of irate sinners put curses on you (Is putting a curse on someone a sin though?  And if so, does it go onto this year or next year's list of naughty acts?)  The once busy streets and highways are empty of cars, and instead filled with kids on bikes, has-beens from the 90s on roller-blades, old people in wheelchairs and scores of people taking a mid-highway stroll.  For reasons relating to purity (I think), nearly everybody is wearing white - like they are going to P. Diddy's Christmas party or something.  And nearly everyone is also very hungry and thirsty due to the 25 hour fast from eating AND drinking. That's a beauty in a place which averages temperatures in the early 30s daily during late September.  No bloody water.  Hmmm challenging.  Last night at midnight, the busy road that runs along the beachfront was still jampacked with street walkers (not the slutty type).  They are an awfully energetic bunch for people in a dehydrated state of partial starvation.

And by day......

All I see here is someone who ate far too much hummus.....

The main thing I couldn't get over was the silence.  You could hear the ocean and it was just so incredibly relaxing with no cars on the road. A completely surreal experience in such a busy city - which has serious traffic issues.  So peaceful.  So quiet around the city.  Some people were out wandering around, or riding pushbikes, but mostly the streets were empty.  There is nothing broadcast on television during the day either.  Some people described it to me beforehand, as like the aftermath of a apocalypse.  I disagree.  Everyone is far too calm.  Spaced-out rather than frantic.  I think it's the hunger.  Although I have fasted before, I have never gone a few hours without water.  To go 25 hours without a drink was something I won't be keen to do again.  Sometimes I only do things because I  previously thought that there's no way I'd ever do such a stupid thing (kind of like running a marathon.  I'm sure people still think I'm mental because of that).  Anyway, as we planned to break the fast with our relatives, we were on the road just after dark, with the pedal to the metal - trying to get there for a god dam drink already.  A few cars were out and about, but not so many that it was all hectic again.  Those who were driving were pretty much fanging it as fast as they could go.  They were also about to drop dead from dehydration.  Anyway, the first drink of water was just as Sunny said it would be.  Absolutely incredible.  As was the cold mango.  As my dehydration headache wore off, I began to feel that doing a fast like that is a fantastic experience.  Funny how experiences in retrospect take on an entirely new appreciation.  So my first impressions of Yom Kippur??? Unbelievable.  I wish it was Yom Yippur everyday.....apart from the thirst and hunger, no shops being open, no TV, and the constant napisan-ing of your whites you'd need to do.....oh and having to repent for running over that pensioner the week before.  Though they were asking for it......honestly.......