Sicilian Beaches Suck

Yeah sure, it looks good like this

Just not buying use of the word "beach" here

As I've said on several occasions - most things look much better from the air than at ground level.  That must have been the exact thought pattern of the dude who did that book "The Earth From The Air".  I really like that book.  It makes swamps of mud look great.  Although, when you've looked once, are you really busting to look at it again?  That thing is expensive.  I suppose you'd keep it for guests - position it on your coffee table.  It's pretty big though - you'd probably have to buy a bigger coffee table table to keep it on.....Well, I've been looking down at the beach below us for several days, just thinking to myself "Hmmm I've really got to take the girls down for a swim, it looks so inviting".  I did take them down to the rocky "beach" (if you could call it that ) right underneath our apartment.  You actually take an elevator down there as it's pretty far.  There are steps as well, which I've been planning to walk up and down for exercise......yep, hasn't happened, doubt it ever will....

It would have to be a large toss

Although it's nice to sit back at look at the sea from down below, there's not going to be any swimming going on.  To get Valli and Cordi in the water I'd have to sort of toss them in to avoid rocks.  Then there's the risk they'd get washed up across more rocks or sucked into the caves below the cliff.  It all looks very pretty, but that's about it.  So finally we packed up for a beach day.

just a couple of punters

pretty but uncomfortable

All I can say, is no wonder Europeans blow their loads when they go to the beach in Australia.  To appreciate just how good we've got it, every Australian should be forced to do their time on a series of European beaches.  For a start they are ridiculously crowded, often dirty, and pretty much always rocky.  They are also generally crammed with beach lounges that cost you ten euros to sit your butt cheeks down on.  What a rip.  There are desperate immigrants trying to flog you sarongs with hideous patterns on them, and cheap hats - also hideous.  There are restaurants along the shore charging mega-bucks for water, and serving shiteous food.  Though at least you can save money by being turned off your food by some of the bodies down there.  Don't get me wrong.  I am fully aware that I am not setting any standard for beach beauty.  My bathers are ugly, my skin pasty and my figure has seen the wear and tear of 2 months of piggery across Israel and Italy.  But at least I am not twenty stone and wearing a string bikini with jewels all over it.  Nor am I showing all the ladies exactly what I'm strapping while parading in my tight speedos.  I'm glad that I didn't get pre-90s plastic surgery, and also that I don't have skin that looked like it was fired in a kiln. And finally, if you are over 80, I think you need to accept that topless sunbaking and swimming is no longer acceptable.

A tan usually makes those fat patches look better

a pre-90s boob job at it's best

This 86 year old's stomach is flatter than mine

my feet are hurting and I'm cold

Averting our eyes, we stumbled over the rocks to a free piece of shore amongst the rest of the tight arses that wanted to hang on to their ten euros.  Things were pretty scorching in the sun.  I got the girl's clothes off, and tried to get them to walk down to the water.  It wasn't a success (black rocks really heat up in the peak of the midday rays).  Entering the water was also met with a lack of success.  Plus it was bloody chilly.  But I wasn't coming all this way for nothing.  With a push from me, we were in and swimming and it was ok when you weren't touching the bottom.  However, suddenly Cordi started screaming.  I was like "Darling it's just a rock, your foot touched a rock".  She keeps on screaming.  Then Valli joins in.  "Girls stop it, your feet just banged on a rock".  Valli starts saying "It's a spike it's a spike"......The screaming is embarrassing, everyone is staring.  I start hissing "Stop it at once, you're both being really silly.  That's enough!!!!".  I try to get out with them, they're still screaming, they won't stand on the bottom, I'm trying to carry both of them, it's not easy.  They are heavy and dragging down my bathers.  My left boob has come out of my bikini and the top of my pubes are on display (at least I fit in with the 60+ crowd).  An old lady waddles toward me.  She is clothed.  I am relieved.  She starts saying "Medusa Medusa" to me.   Oh FUCK!  Jellyfish!  No wonder the girls are still howling.  On further inspection Valli's entire ankle is a white welt and Cordi has one also - down the back of her thigh.  It looks bad.  Chalks comes and helps me, and we rush the girls off the beach.  An American tells us that while they're painful, they're not dangerous, and they stop stinging pretty quickly.  Sure enough, as soon as we pass the ice cream stand the tears dry up.

ouuuuchh

I felt pretty shit.  I can't believe I was telling them to shut up while they were in pain.  Not my best mothering moment.  It brought back memories of the year before, when I sent Valli to the naughty corner for biting Cordi on the shoulder.  She started bawling not long after sitting down, and I initially ignored her.  Then I realised something was wrong.  I went to investigate.  To my horror, I saw that she had sat in a line of fire-ants while in the nude and they were biting her all over.  I couldn't get them off, and had to jump in the pool and wash them out.  And they were right up there too.  That was awful.  Really truly awful.  My poor babies - what a mean Mummy.

All I can say is, fuck the beach.  Fuck the expensive lounge chairs.  Fuck the rocks.  Fuck the hawkers.  Fuck the tourists showing me parts of their bodies I now have nightmares about.  Fuck the cold water.  And most of all, fuck the jellyfish.  I'm going to the pool.  That at least also looks good at ground level too.

No jellies here my babies