All's Great - Apart from Apartments

We've rented quite a significant number of other people's pads over the years.  That's all good and well, but you really have to avoid thinking about such things like how dirty the pillows are beneath the cases; what that large pool of yellow sticky stuff is that greets you upon arrival from the bottom of the fridge; and what exactly the carpet stinks of.  Also, a rather special tip here, so pay attention; never fish anything out from the shower drain.  The accidental seizing of that mat of rotting stranger's pubes that becomes entangled around your fingers, will then require a small fortune spent on counselling if you want to live a normal life again.  Or a lot of alcohol.  Or both simultaneously.....

It's all about the crumble

Sometimes you get a delightful surprise, but more often than not, you can certainly find at least 5 things to complain about.  Then come the attempts to try and get some money back, or a free night, or a hamper of treats.....or something.  At the very least, with enough complaining, you can get the owner to send in a cleaning team and suck out 3 litres of rank black water that smells like feet out of the upstairs carpet.  Even if you are not that phased about the general condition, seeing what you can get away with, as far as receiving freebies goes, is an interesting exercise.  Don't accept a heartfelt apology - that is a cop out.

Ride away, ride awaaaaay

You can do a number of things to ensure that the claimed "state of the art" television does not reveal itself, on arrival, to be a 80s model reclaimed from the tip.  Get details about what exactly is in the apartment.  Be sure to find out if there are enough beds/bedding etc.  Make sure that things like WiFi passwords are supplied beforehand.  If they have a folder on all apartment relevant information, be aware that this is usually not in fact relevant after all.  Instead of instructions on how to use the incomprehensible washing machine, there are suggestions such as "Take a funky brunch in the downtown hipster hangout "Flour + Water".  I would suggest going anywhere but  Flour + Water, as it sounds all you'd get there is a room full of wankers and some glue-like paste.  Instead, check to see if they have clauses such as "If you don't wash all dishes and take out your rubbish you will be charged 200 bucks".  Hint: this is usually right at the back in small writing.  I would also ask where you actually put that expensive-to-neglect garbage, especially if you are in an apartment block.  Pray they have one of those shoots on your level - those things rock.

I've said it before - it all looks good from the air

There are other things you should perhaps ask before having your soul crushed by an absolute shithole, parading under the catch phrase "Romantic Hideyhole".  There's nothing romantic about the previous tenant's poo blocking the toilet so badly that you have to plunge it away, and mop up the surrounding water with a face washer.  Although, actually asking the landlord about this heinous possibility prior to arrival could result in you being labelled slightly off.  I would also check to see if your "Private Hilltop Home" in Costa Rica actually has a construction site next door, complete with sleazy workers, who, when not using nail guns and drills that scare away the toucans, stand on the roof overlooking your garden and heckle you while you're trying to sun bake your arse cheeks and read Eat Pray Love without becoming nauseous.

When renting in Israel, I would recommend not getting your hopes up.  Even if you splash out a fortune for a taste of luxury, prepare for a let down.  As I regularly mention, the "crumbling chic" look is in here.  Maybe drop the "chic".  This is the fourth time we have rented a place in Tel Aviv, and lets put it this way - we never go back to the same place twice.  It's hard to keep apartments clean here - the floors always turn your feet black no matter how many times you shuffle around on a towel with a bottle of spray and wipe. A particularly crappy joint we had a couple of years ago, was fitted out so completely on the cheap, that we had to go out and buy new sheets, pillows and towels.  If there's one thing that keeps me awake at night, it's sleeping on a lumpy pillow which is stained brown, while wondering how many scabies are crawling in my ear hole.  Furthermore, there is nothing worse than drying yourself daily on a tiny, faded, child's beach towel with holes in it originating from 1970.  Of course, there is worse (like AIDS and war), but you just aren't as likely to find it hanging on the towel rack in your cheap and nasty (emphasis on the nasty) apartment.  In this particular mansion, there was also a large hole in the bathroom roof with wires hanging out.  Apparently someone was coming to fix it.  It took 2 weeks.

Really puts you off whipping up a batch of cupcakes

Danish design furniture

We can now pick a cheaply furnished joint from a few dodgy photos.  An uncomfortable scratchy couch, a useless bed, passé decorations, old appliances, a lack of parking, insufficient light - all of these unattractive items are either used to negotiate a better deal, or signify a craphole we should keep a wide berth from.  But of course, it all falls apart sometimes, even now, after all these years of experience in such matters.  For example, there's no way to pick an oven that hasn't been cleaned in ten years from a photo (apart from the one above of course).   I would also suggest doing reconnaissance work on the noise situation.  Cities are all bloody noisy, but some parts, e.g  3 stories of intersecting highways outside your bedroom window in Tokyo; or locations next to bars where people like to stand on the street and sing a lot,  are considerably louder in the audio pollution department.  I mentioned the Costa Rican builders - well, always ask if there's any construction going on in the near vicinity.  Currently we are awoken each morning by a drill that starts at 6.45am in the wall next to our bedroom.  There has been a series of early morning irate calls to the manager, but we are yet to see any beneficial results from this.

Our Tokyo bedroom view 

The trouble is, that this is our third move since we got here.  The first apartment was the strangest building I have ever set foot in.  As the elevator doors opened we were instantly in the loungeroom.  No getting out, strolling down a corridor and opening the front door - it was like "BAM" - just make yourself at home.  The second weird thing was the amount of cupboards.  It's like the owner had previously had some kind of cupboard deficiency as a child and instructed the architect as such;
"I want cupboards EVERYWHERE.  I want them covering every available surface there is, I want them made out of wood, glass, plastic, metal.  I want cupboards on cupboards, and cupboards inside cupboards, and then a baby cupboard inside those.  I want a Babushka Doll-like series of cupboards here people......".

It was actually ridiculous.  Almost as ridiculous as the scungy jacuzzi on the roof.  The summer temperature in Tel Aviv is about 40 degrees - the last thing you want to do is sit on an unshaded roof top in a mini pool of scalding water and have yourself a good time.  The water was at near boiling temperature.  But.......let me now tell you about, by far, the most stupid feature.  This was a private elevator located in the kitchen that took you down one level only, to the bedrooms.  So so ridiculous, and annoying as well.  There were no stairs.  None to access the bedrooms below, and none at all in the entire block of silly flats.  And we were stuck here, having already paid for this rubbish.

The lift to our bedroom - the most stupid thing ever

An error made by yours truly, was however, to change our Tel Aviv apartment fate this trip......In Israel, you must turn on the hot water boiler prior to taking a shower unless you are one of those cold shower types.  If the switch is not on a timer, you must also remember to turn it off.  That's the tricky part.  Furthermore, you should avoid going to your partner's niece's wedding for 20 hours and neglecting to press "off". Ooooops.  When I got up the next day the lights had short circuited in the bathroom, and the light switch panel was burning hot.  There was also a strong smell of burning plastic.  An electrician was called and showed us the steam billowing out of the wall amongst all the wires, and the paint bubbling along the skirting boards.   He said that it was lucky that we weren't electrocuted in the shower.  He also said not to tell the manager that he had advised us so (due to fear of job loss) but if he was us, he would run as far away from this building as possible.  We didn't need to be told twice.  We declined to live in an extreme fire hazard that was outfitted in timber and had no stairs.  We packed our bags in 40 minutes.  I'd unpacked completely, therefore it took 35 of those minutes to check every cupboard for our belongings.

View from our current bathroom window - located in the shower - strange, but great for people watching

We were shown another apartment overlooking the beach.  Sounds nice?  It was filthy and old.  Apartments in Tel Aviv don't last well at the best of times.  There was also an ant problem.  So move again we did, and here we are in old Drill Central.  Though, apart from the drilling, we have been really sorted out this time.  The new place is clean(ish), light, and it has an amazing view over Tel Aviv beach. There's no antique boiler switch.  No beach towels masquerading as bath towels to be seen either.  But the best, and unheard of bonus, is the swimming pool located 4 floors down.  It's so hot here that I can't even consider going to the beach after 9 or before 5 - so an icy cold pool is welcome relief.  And perhaps the drillers are doing us a favour(??)  I would never normally wake up before 9 without a life/death type situation, so perhaps our early awakening at the hands of an overly efficient driller, allows us to make the most of our days......Don't mention this to our landlord as we're still going hard for the freebies to compensate for our "suffering"  Wish us luck, and don't dob on me about the boiler switch.....