Off To The Holy Land

Why are you so patchy Old Baldy?

The thing about travelling to Israel, is that you are totally aware of your destination before you even set a toenail in the country.  This is a place that does not muck around when it come to security - and quite rightly so.  At the airport in Paris, the check-in desks for people travelling to the Holy Land are compressed into a small area right at the far end of the departure zone.  There is only one way in, and at that point you are greeted by half a dozen young men and women clad in camouflage and shouldering extremely large machine guns.  You must get past them first to gain entry to the next point of scrutiny.  The army people want to know the airline you are flying on, and to take a gander at your ticket.  It's wise to co-operate - those machines guns don't exactly convey an understanding for any errors in forgetting to print off your e-ticket.

Don't try and take a photo of them either.  I found out how unacceptable it was to take pictures of spunky Israeli soldiers when I tried to do it on the sly once, while pretending I was taking photos of my sister near the Israeli/Jordanian border.  They were all over me faster than I could say "That one was a bit blurry I'm going for it again"....  Anyway, after you get past the airport army bitches, then come the civilian-dressed interrogators.  They comb the lines prior to check-in, and specialise in in-depth questioning about your reasons for going to Israel.  Again, co-operation is best. The guns are still in the near vicinity, and you would not be able to snatch one, no matter how many times you've seen The Bourne Supremacy.   If you can speak Hebrew, now is your chance to show off and try and make the interrogators like you.  I can't, so I hide behind Mark and pretend that I'm catching every word (hint: nod a lot and say "Ken")  If you have friends and family there, make sure you name drop, but also be sure you know where they live, and perhaps even have contact details on hand.

Tanks and Camels - just add a falafel and the image is complete

Although it is (of course) fine to visit Israel as a tourist, just allow enough airport time to have every square inch of your suitcase searched and scanned for explosive materials if they decide you warrant a good searching.  Don't put your dirty undies crotch-up at the top of your suitcase - I also found this out the hard way during my days of extensive searching.   If there's one thing you don't want some hot airport searcher to see, it's your scruds after their third rotation. This incident of course, was prior to having two blonde-haired blue eyed children (Israelis LOVE a blonde child), and now I can do no wrong as the partial creator of two angels.  Plus I do so much of their washing, that my own undies, by association, are generally less likely to be crusty.

It's all about the camels people

Also, be prepared to undergo extensive questioning if you have any stamps in your passport from countries such as Jordon, Turkey, Egypt, Lebanon etc.  If you are actually coming from a Muslim country, then certainly be ready to discuss your activities there.  When my sister and I entered Israel from Jordon, we were asked over and over again, if there was anyway some Jordanians had, unknowingly to us, got us to carry out some kind of activity that could be dangerous to Israel.  It is little wonder these measures are taken though, as when you stray slightly outside Israeli territories the following image is an example of what you can be greeted with (we took this shot in Jericho in the West Bank).  Actually, throughout the Arab regions in this area there is extremely strong anti-Israel sentiment, as of course you would expect if you have watched the news in the last 40 years.  However, to experience it firsthand is something else, and quite un-nerving.  If you plan to travel to Arab nations after visiting Israel at some stage, then ask Israel customs officials to stamp a piece of paper for you, rather than stamp your passport.  Just be sure to ask them for an extra receipt (because the stamped piece of paper is then taken as you exit customs), and without an entry stamp in your passport, it can make it tricky to hire an car, stay in hotels, and get tax exemptions.

Not exactly heartwarming graffiti in the West Bank

Another thing that lets you know you are in Israel before you even get there are the Israelis themselves. Even at the airport, they are already in Israel in their minds, and it's an interesting combination of caring community spirit mixed with a dog-eat-dog grab for your rights.  I love it.  It has taken me several visits now to get in the swing of the Israeli directness, and to stop being a sensitive, over-polite-at-my-own-expense sook, and to harden the fuck up.  I guess it had to happen one day.  New York City is also good for character hardening purposes....but then again, I think that NYC has more Jewish people in it than Israel.  I would describe the attitude as such; good humoured brutal directness.  Israelis say what they want, and when they want it, and without a trace of true aggression.  Somebody will yell at you to get out of the way, and you are in turn expected to yell back that you'll get out of the way in a minute and hey, what's your hurry???  Speak to your fellow Australians the way Israelis speak to each other, and instead of the eventual camaraderie that results after a exchange of semi-abuse, you would actually start a fist fight in the street.  It's like Australians have a mask of politeness that they hold onto determinedly until the fury builds up and up, and finally erupts like a volcano at the unfortunate pensioner who takes your carpark at Woolworths.  Israelis have no mask of politeness.  But they would never explode at poor old Doris, no matter how long they'd been waiting for a car space.

All I want to know is - can't the religious people design themselves a cooler outfit for summer?

When the plane finally touches down in Tel Aviv, cheers break out.  It is the only place where people are over-joyed to come home after a holiday.  On one flight into Israel, my beloved was dared by his three brothers (and with financial incentive) to sing Israel's national anthem when the plane touched down.  He started it off - naturally with a large dose of embarrassment, but the entire plane then joined in and 200 people had themselves a touching sing-a-long.  Try that anywhere else and people would think you were a bit mentally touched if you know what I mean.

Anyway, so here we are - walking around Tel Aviv saying "Shalom" to everyone and eating hummus.  It is hotter than the sun here, and we don't spend much time outside between about 10am and 5pm, but I guess we are in the desert, in the final peak of summer.  As far as things which are intrinsically Israeli, and you initially notice, let me list a few for you;

Hot chicks with guns.  And if they are not hot, they are definitely tough.....and that's hot;

Just doing beach time with your machine gun...as you do

Don't fuck with Limore

Next, people seem happier here than almost anywhere;

Also, there aren't hardly any beggars - especially for a large city;

One thing there is a lot of though, is dog shit....all over the footpath, and now, all over the bottom and sides of my white flip flops - Though there's not so much street shit as 3 years ago (I think they made a law since);

As well as poo, there are always lots of people in the streets too,  at all hours of the day - hanging out, playing cards, chess, soccer, eating, drinking, dancing, yelling at each other;

Random people talk to you a lot more here too - it's just a pity I can't understand them - they could be saying anything e.g "You just trod in dog shit lady".

Another sign that you're back in Tel Aviv, is that the entire city looks like it's about to fall down at any second - it's architectural theme is sort of "crumbling chic". It's all about the exposed wires and the rarely maintained.

Israelis also definitely have their own unique sense of fashion, and like anywhere, the young hot people look, for the most part, good.  But...... the majority of others look like they live at  Flat 1, Grotty Road, Slopsville, as some of their "interesting" choices of outfits make you instantly aware of where in the world you are.  I wish I had a good photo with which to back up my claims - but take it from me, the "Mature Slut" look is a popular choice.....

White jeans aren't for everyone....and especially not for her 

Bad colours, worse style 

This chick should have read my memo on the above image

Those boobs mean business

And lets not forget about the massive boobs nearly every woman is sporting.  I have never seen such a collection of giant knockers since I stumbled into a mannequin factory in Costa Rica.  Those bras are putting in some serious overtime.

But, by far the most obvious thing to me that signifies that I am, in fact, in Israel, is the general liveliness of the place.   Not to mention the appreciation and dedication people devote to having a good time.  Perhaps the fact that they have been through such hard times makes people really squeeze every drop of pleasure out of life.  Peace can be a fleeting thing here, so I guess you don't take it for granted, as many of us do......

It's brilliant country, and it's going to be my home for two years from next September.  Maybe they'll be even less dog shit on the streets by then........