Through The Rabbit Hole

A Tale of Two Cities

Just a typical day at Tel Aviv Beach

Tel Aviv is about as similar to Jerusalem as lemonade is to vodka shots - they go nicely together, but they accomplish completely different things.  Tel Aviv is wild and crazy.  All kinds of people make up the city demography.  There are people from every country of the world (well, maybe not Saudi Arabia ....or Iran now I come to think about it).  There are elderly people (and their Filipino carers) families, piles of kids, really hot girls and boys who walk the streets fresh off the beach and half nude.  They walk alongside those who are covered head to toe.  There are synagogue attendees, young soldiers, and party goers - who spill out of bars and nightclubs every night all week long.  When you see really religious people in Tel Aviv, they are usually a bit nutjob - like the rollerblading religious guy who zooms all around Tel Aviv on his blades with his grey beard and heavy black coat in the height of summer, while waving a giant flag.   He seems super stoked actually - flags are fun I guess. 

Then there are the Na Nachs - a religious sect of extremely happy types who drive all over town in van with speakers mounted on the roof blasting Trance music.  Their favourite thing to do is to pull up their van in the middle of a busy road - then 10 God lovers pile out, and the music is pumped up to a million decibels.  They then go absolutely mental - acting like they've just been to a 3 day trance festival and accidentally took their largest MDMA hit before the drive home.  Dudes are having fun, you've got to give them that.  Especially the guys dancing on the roof of the van.  What's even funnier is that Tel Avivians don't even flinch.  They act like it's perfectly normal to have some sweaty guy dancing in their face with wild unbridled joy emanating from his entire being.  They just carry on their conversations and keep on walking without a glance.  My husband and I have a theory that most of them are still going from a particularly strong hit of acid they took back in Goa in the 90s.  The music fits with this line of reasoning, the demographic fits - they must have just had some intense religious epiphany right as they were dialling off their brains on the dance floor, and things just haven't been the same since.  I love the Na Nachs (except when they pull up outside my house in the middle of the night and cut sick for about 30 minutes - then they can get fucked.  There's no way I'm giving 'Trance A Chance' at that hour).

But what if God is like the rest of us, and can't stand trance - did you guys ever consider that?

We Love Black Oh Yeah!  And Ringlets - yes we do!

Most of the religious people in Jerusalem are less about the Trance Dance, more about the one tracked way of thinking - gunning straight for the Lord.  They are the ultra orthodox or the Haredim.  I've always imagined them to be sort of odd, but after speaking to people who know a considerable amount of them through their work, or whatever, they are actually not completely off their rockers and actually have some admirable values (besides being able to recite the entire Bible word for word).  Basically family is everything to them.  Which is kind of nice.  Except if you hate your family - then you're totally rooted cause you ain't got nuthin' else.  Religious parents always arrange their kid's marriages.  The parents on each side meet for discussions, and then based on what they think is suitable for their kids the first meeting commences.  Although arranged marriages sound completely 1500s or like poor people in India or something, they have a huge success rate.  Lets face it - who but your parents knows you inside out and upside down.  And who apart from your parents has your best interests at heart?  See, it makes more sense than any of us care to admit.

Putting hair to shame the world over

Once married, they sure pump out a lot of kids though.  The religious start early and pop those babies out one after the other - the average number of kids per woman is 6.3.  They are total and utter baby machines.  Not all religious people are alike of course - there are different sects and different degrees of religion.  Head covering is a must for the married ladies - but you don't need to wear a lame old scarf.  Heaps of them are in wigs.  And I'm not talking some shitty polyester number you pick up from Shiploads or whatever.  These wigs are absolutely glorious.  They are so natural and so shiny and completely lustrous.  They look far hotter than they would if they had their normal hair out there for everyone to see - which is what I've always wondered about, as I thought it was a modesty thing.   And they aren't cheap either - one of the really good ones could set you back a couple of thousand bucks - they must be made of unicorns pubes or something.  I'm sure I can get away with a couple of hundred bucks though, because mark my words, I certainly intend to buy one before my time is up in this country.  I'm thinking either a president's wife-style nutbrown bob, or full granny grey hair in a mullet style.  That could be fetching indeed.

I need to find this shop, and I need it now (before the Happy Wig Dude clears them all out).

If I've told you once I've told you a million times - don't touch the hat

But as far as the religious go, it's the men I'm confused about.  Some have just the little kippah's (skull caps) going on, where some are in the full black outfits with the wide brim hats - the sons in shaved heads but with 2  ringlets at the front - then there are the furry hat wearing brigade.  These are some absolute monster hats, and must be murder to get round in during the height of summer.  In fact all of them must suffer in their get-up.  What the fuck are they thinking? One of the well known rabbi's should take mercy and declare that stubbies and a wife-basher are God's choice of summer garb.  Its cruel - especially to those around them.  I hate to be so mean (actually no I don't, and besides it's the truth), but they smell horrible.  It's not their fault it's really not, but honestly, I'm sure God is not against Old Spice or Rexona Sport or whatever the Israeli equivalent is.  Spray it on muthafuckers spray it on.  There are also the stripy outfit wearing dudes AKA "The Zebras" - but I think they save these costumes up for special occasions.   It's a diverse bunch, and let's face it, they have pretty much nothing in common with anyone I know living an hour away by the Mediterranean Sea.   The religious live in their own world - a world they are born and die in - like their parent's parents and their parent's parents.

I had no idea about the Fez Hat gang - they seem pretty happy (of course it's the Fez)

Lots of rapture over a few bits of bread dudes - put it in perspective would you

Jesus Lovers  - go here to blow your loads

Jerusalem is a stunningly beautiful city.  It is one of the oldest cities in the world, and  thought to be established around 4000 BC.  Every single building, old or new is made from a white or sand-coloured rock called Jerusalem Stone.  I think it is actually the law that nothing there can be build unless it is from that particular material which is quarried from the nearby hills.  Jerusalem is much larger than Tel Aviv, and historically fascinating.  The old city of Jerusalem is ringed by a huge great thick wall, and is a labyrinth of winding cobble stoned streets.  The stones have been walked on for so long by so many feet that they are smooth and shiny - and slippery if you're not careful.  Within this city are the Jewish Quarters, the Muslim Quarters, the Christian Arabs, The Catholics and the Christians, the Armenians and The Greek Orthodox.  If you're that way inclined you can walk the path that Jesus did while carrying the cross on his back, and go to the Church of the Holy Sepulctre which is said to have been built on the site he was crucified.  Within the church itself you can go deep deep underground to the ruins of a pagan temple that sat on the site  before the church was built.  

Then of course there is The Wall.  It's called the Western Wall - seeing as calling it the Wailing Wall is considered offensive.  To get there you have to pass through some serious security to get there.  No gloved hands having a feel though, just metal detectors.  The wall itself is divided into the men and women's section.  The men's section is basically 80% of the  wall, with the women getting access to the rest.  Typical.  Though I must say there are always about 10 times as many men there are there are women.  Everyone is having a pray and sticking written notes of what they really want to ask God for in the cracks.  Apparently all notes get cleaned out and piffed regularly, so lets hope God is a good speed reader.

The Wall Last Friday

It's always strange to go to that tiny bit of land - The Wall - which is the only remaining part of a Jewish Temple that one stood there (which is actually the second temple because the first one also got smashed down).  The 2nd temple was demolished in 70 AD by the Romans (the fucker-uppers of all other people's really treasured shit), while the Dome of The Rock (The Mosque right behind it) was built on top of the original site in 637 AD.  When you go there, its hard not to think about how all the trouble in the region, all the deaths and murders and hatred and anger is over that one tiny bit of land - and it really is, because whenever negotiations begin there can never be any agreement over what is to be done with that tiny tiny square.  It's sad really.  They should bulldoze the entire thing and build a new IKEA - who doesn't love a bit of IKEA?  Then again, I guess everyone would then fight over the multi-coloured towels or something.

Vali in the square a few years back

From right to left - pissed off; bored; oblivious

Wandering though the old city on the night before the Sabbath was fascinating - the entire place is closed - every shop, every business - all people are gone.  It is surreal.  The only action is in and out of the Damascus Gate - on the East Jerusalem side - AKA Palestinian headquarters.  It was kind of beautiful to see all the Palestinians, religious Jews and the Israeli soldiers all mingling together with the soundtrack of the Muslim call to prayers in the background.  It was a moment I'm telling you.  A moment that left out how much they all really hate each other.  There was definitely more hustle and bustle on the Arab side.  It was also much dirtier and more chaotic.  No Molotov cocktails though - that I was particularly thrilled about.

Deserted Old City

Heading to the Jaffa Gate - Jewish Side - pretty spiffy

Arab section Jerusalem Old City

Lunch the next day - The Banquet Room

We were staying the night (without the kids) in a fancy pants hotel on the 'other' side of town.  That's the thing with my husband.  God knows how many points the rest of us have tied up in various cards and loyalty programs without never knowing it.  It's like superannuation.  I swear I'm with about 6 different funds and have no idea what they are called, how much cash I have, or any idea how to get the cash.  Not my husband.  His finger is on the pulse.  Not only does he know exactly what is going on, but he knows who is buying what kind of points and what they can transferred into, and who is offering the best deal.  Therefore, thanks to his super-sleuthing, we end up with a shitload of freebies every year, and get to masquerade as the privileged.  This one was a beauty - staying in a suite at the Jerusalem Waldorf Astoria for about 50 bucks.  Our fellow hotel guests were billionaire religious Jews from America.  I have never in my life seen such a display of wealth and Godliness in one place.   The outfits!!! Straight off the runway of Chanel and Prada and straight onto these women.  Worn modestly of course - skirts passed the knees and arms covered to the wrists.  There were Louboutins for Africa, and the wigs made me cry with jealousy.  I just wanted to fluff those lustrous manes so so much.  Seeing as it was the holiday of Succot (I'll tell you about it later - basically it involves a tent in the backyard, some branches and a weirdly shaped lemon), all the religos were on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, and they were not holding back with their displays of wealth.  My husband joked that if anyone really wanted to destroy Israel, they could just fire a rocket straight into our hotel at lunchtime on Saturday.  They would wipe out 100 billion dollars of Jewish cash.  Having lunch in the grand ballroom was like being at the wedding of people you barely know or like.  You are there for the food and booze only and certainly don't bother to talk with anyone else.  There was only one table who was as out of place as the six of us (the girls had come up for the special Saturday lunch with my husband's sister and brother-in-law the morning after), and that was a gang of furry hat people.  We were both on the 'reject' wedding tables.  You know what I mean - like when you get seated with all the other randoms, singletons and weirdos right in the far corner of the room, and the bride pretends it's a 'fun' table.

It's strangely tempting ( meaning not having to work or drive, rather than jumping into an giant electrical socket)

I've already ordered one

I was the only non Jew in the entire hotel, and I know this for a fact as I became the handyman to my fellow hotel stayers.  Known as the Shabbos Goy, the non Jew's role on the Sabbath is to do all the shit for the Jews that they cannot do because of the strict Jewish laws that prevent work of any nature.  My main task was to open the cupboards and turn on the lights in people's hotel rooms.  Ok - so I only did it once, but it was very enjoyable being so appreciated, and I was thinking of making a career out of it before I also understood that the observant religos cannot touch money from Friday night to Saturday night - every week.  Basically, don't ask a religious dude out for dinner on a Friday night 'cause he won't even do the fake wallet shuffle that goes on when you know you're getting stuck with the bill.  Not only that, but orthodox Jews can't drive, use phones, write, turn on anything electrical or even rip pieces of toilet paper.  I'm totally serious - there is a special shabat toilet paper holder, containing pre-ripped squares in the toilets throughout the hotel.  There are special Shabat elevators that have been blessed by a Rabbi, and stop at every floor so that you don't need to press buttons.  You can't even carry anything in your hand unless it is in a enclosed space.  To get around this rule, the city of Jerusalem erected some kind of rope that goes around the entire city, thereby making it enclosed and thereby making it possible for the ladies of the city to carry their Chanel purses.  They really are a bunch of strange fish - and don't even get me started on the non-women touching and the wife shagging through a hole in the sheet (possibly a rumour but I heard it's really true).

Pre-ripped Shabat toilet paper

Listen, each to their own, but even though I don't believe in him one bit, I thank God everyday for having parents that were not bible bashing freaks and therefore didn't beat the scriptures of whoever into me on a daily basis. The only religion that makes even a tiny bit of sense to me is Buddhism, and even still - all that praying and solitude sounds sort of boring really.  I mean, nice view from some of those monasteries and stuff, and that thing with the coloured sand is cool (although sort of a waste of time by the end).  But most of all, the mustard yellow robes just don't match with the magenta sash. Buddha obviously didn't study his colour swatches before selecting the outfits.

This is as close as I go to a religious experience

It takes all types to make the world go round I guess, but if the entire country of Israel was as religious as a massive chunk of Jerusalem's population are,  then it wouldn't go round at all. Everyone would just sit at home reading the Bible all day.   I'm just glad I live in The Bubble (AKA Tel Aviv).  It really is remarkable that you can drive for an hour and end up in a completely different world - I'm just not sure which one is the rabbit hole just yet.  So while I'm deciding, all hail Tel Aviv - it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from or what you're doing there, anything goes........even the techno loving Na Nachs at 2am......eventually

Even public head jobs are ok in TA (provided both parties are hot)