The Holidays Are Finally Over....Oh No They're Not....

I'm sure she thought every school day would be balloons and sweeties

I've been out of action of late - mainly because I currently think that Facebook is for fuckheads with no life (Plus I've pretty much taken my own life boasting/complaining to Instagram now),..... I think we all go through that stage of despising others - don't we (please say yes)?.  But come on now Emily......let's not start this off with any meanness.  No, on second thoughts, it's best I get it out of my system (and show photographic evidence of my dislikes, strangely sourced from my own Facebook page).

 Exhibit A: Look at what a healthy little wanker I am #livehealthylivelonggetfucked

Exhibit B:#whydontyoubeabitmoreclicheemily

Here we go, full throttle Facebook attack ......I do not care about all the amaaaazzziiing things that happen to you, I do not care about your pearls of wisdom about how I should live my life; I do not care about the mundane details of your tiresome lives - you finished a paper?  Whoopdidoo; you worked out at the gym?  Wow, you are INCREDIBLE; I do not give a fuck how many green juices you have shoved up your vagina or how much alcohol you are guzzling you craycray party animals; nor do I give a rats arse how adorable your kids are - to me they look like ugly little aliens - when they are covered in food or various crap it's far worse too - invest in a pack of Huggies wipes and clean that shit up.  I also don't care how much you love refugees or the environment - in fact those declarations shit me intensely.  It makes me want to suffocate an orphan with a plastic bag (one of those ones you can't even get in Australian shops anymore and have to carry your goods around in a big pile in your arms whenever you have a spontaneous purchase).   The only things I can tolerate these days on Facebook are links that amuse or genuinely enlighten me - like Susan Sarandon drinking a tiny bit of Timothy Leary's ashes at Burning Man a couple of weeks back - both amusing and enlightening don't you think?

Look I can snowboard too (I swear this turns into a double black diamond run)

I realise that most of the rot that finds itself onto our social media pages and status updates relates to the (un)conscious crafting of a certain projected image for the sole purpose of gaining social acceptance amongst those we crave it from the most.  But I'm not really judging - After all, what is this bunch of crap I started writing all those years back, if not a deep excursion into my vanity.  It does feel a little bit comforting now that I have realised that a very very tiny percentage of people actually care what I think or do - mainly my family, and say about 3 friends - These are the people who basically cop my crap at all hours of the day or night, saving all my Facebook fuckers from being subjected to it.  That's why 'whatsap' was invented.

Look guys I ran 10km, God I'm good  #thisisactuallythebeforeshot

But is it so bad? - after all we're just getting the hang of this social media thing - I'm sure our kids will handle it better.  We're all guilty of oversharing in some form or another - even the really 'cool' people who quit Facebook 'ages ago', and remind us all the time how great they are that they don't need to project their own greatness (not referring to anybody or my husband or anyone).  But in the meantime while contemplating all these astonishing insights, please read my blog about all the details of my meaningless life and share it with people that don't know me from a bar of soap so that I might also gain the approval of strangers.......and everybody will love me......so much, so so much......

Fuck.  That felt great, apart from the realisation that I am obviously mental, not to mention a total bitch - but otherwise, yes, great.  Also, I wrote the above yesterday when I was in a really bad mood and today I'm wondering whether I should just delete it all.  But like I said - nobody really cares one way or another, so I think I will proceed with the above.  Ok, I'm ready to move on now......

Back where they belong

Ok, so yes - ahem, where was I?......Um.....The thing about school holidays is that they suck.  You always have grand dreams of making them special - that's where I think we (as parents) go wrong right from the start.  Any memories of childhood camping trips pretty much relate to vomiting in sleeping bags, dropping entire dinners in the coals of the campfire, and getting pelted by the worst weather that could have possibly been unanticipated. Just don't bother.  You're the only one who really cares if your kids watch The Little Mermaid on repeat for 8 hours straight.  So, your friend's children made a cool robot from unused kitchen appliances and toilet paper rolls??  Good for them - at least you don't have any mess to clean up.   I spent the final week waiting, just waiting for school to start up again, and then once it did, I was a bawling mess, crying all night about how much they're growing up, and how they don't need me, and why, oh why, didn't I just let them paint their entire body with blue paint - Smurfs are gorgeously perky right?

See - kissy kissy

My daughters started a new school this year (September is when school starts over here Southern Hemisphere people).  They are also in separate classes for the first time, they study now solely in a foreign language, AND they catch the school bus to and from school.  It's a lot to process.  For me.  The girls seem just fine about it.  This particular school is just a little religious as well.  The headmistress is an observant dwarf from some settlement who stands at the school gate wearing a shrunken turban and kisses the kids hello.  There are also morning prayers to the Lord everyday and a weekly visit from the school Rabbi.  There wasn't even a question on the enrolment form that asked if V & C were Jewish - I'm pretty sure it was just assumed.  Well, the jig is sure going to be up when they start spouting off about Santa in a couple of months and come back to Israel singing 'Silent Night'.  Hopefully it will be too late to kick them out by then.

Hobart (and jetlag) in springtime at sunrise

But no sooner does the school year start over here than the Jewish "High Holidays" begin, and it's fucking school vacation time all over again.  I had a quick solo trip back to Hobart in the interim period, so it just feels like the holidays have been going since the end of June.  Though I am shitloads of kms away from Tassie, it's a relief to know that I can decide to go, book a ticket that leaves the next day, and then spend about 28 hours in a variety of uncomfortable positions in order to be back in my homeland of birth within 3 days of making the decision to eff off.  I can't tell you enough how great it felt to finally step out of that metal box and suck in a lungful of Tasmanian air.  Meanwhile the entire population of Israel was suffering through the worst dust storm in 50 years.  Three days of yellow air and 80% humidity fresh from Syria - lots of sand, pollution, and particles from various explosions I guess.  A friend of mine described it as lying face first on the beach and trying to breathe. Lovely.

They were breathing sand, I was breathing Mum's daphne

Getting back into Israel on my lonesome five days later  turned out to be a bit trickier than I anticipated.  Apparently I profile as a person of interest when I'm not travelling with my Israeli citizen of a husband, and my two blonde six year olds.  Particularly fascinating to the Israel security team stationed in Bangkok was my decision to fly all the way to Australia from Israel for 5 days only, and then there was also those couple of trips I took to Jordan during the last six months.  I was questioned for 2 hours about these things before even checking in, and then later directed to a special basement under my boarding gate where all of my belongings were x-rayed and my body was subjected to an extraordinary amount of scrutiny.  What can I say - Petra was worth a rectal.

Petra - Totally Worth A Hand Up the Bottom (I think it's their official slogan)

After a 6 hour delay between the hours of midnight and 6am I was seated next to an overweight Chinese Christian from Brunei named June. Her first loudly asked question to me as soon as she sat down was "Are you Jewish?".  Upon finding out that I was in fact not, she spent every minute she could trying to bring me back to Jesus.  I was actually very fuzzy on Valium and enjoying engaging her in religious discussions.  Particularly interesting was when she started yelling "Jews are NOT God's chosen people" - I pointed out that she was on an EL AL flight that was headed straight to Tel Aviv and that 99% of the people surrounding her were Jewish, but old June-bug would not be deterred.  It wasn't until she assured me that I would be off to hell with my darling Granny that I assured her (without a trace of anger, just a blurry Valium fuzz) that if she could promise me she definitely wasn't going I would welcome that particular destination.  We didn't chat much after that, although she did give me a fruit chew when I woke up.  However I think that was related to my breath as I tend to sleep with my mouth open.

But back home I came  - my children jumped the barrier screaming Mumma Mumma!" and I was all touched until one of them told me that Daddy had made them practise being happy to see me (yep, thanks guys I missed you too).......So as soon as I returned the beginning of those 'High Holidays' started - first came Rosh HaShana - the Jewish New Year, which I pretty much missed all of, due to 4 nights on a plane in just over a week, and a nasty case of double jetlag.  But just a couple of days ago was one of my favourite days of the year - Yom Yippur.

Ride that highway yok cuties

P.Diddy's guests behind Cordi

Yom Kippur marks the sealing of the book of life (and all your bad deeds) for the previous year, thus sealing your fate for the upcoming year.  Thus it is everybody's last chance to get in God's good graces and so the whole country shuts down for about 30 hours and gets to work.  There is not a car on the road, not one shop is open, not a single show is broadcast on television, and many people dress like they're off to P. Diddy's Christmas party - spending all day praying in the synagogue and fasting from sunset to sunset.  Not just abstaining from food either - not a drop of water is consumed.  I did it one year and the headache really left a lasting impression.  Once upon a time I had honestly thought you would die after 24 hours without water, but apparently you are good to go on suffering for about 4 days to a week, when you literally turn blue and start convulsing. Nice.

Its aces for kids and heathens though.  Gangs of bike riding under twelves take to the empty roads where they ride wild and unsupervised while their parents recline on the couch at home thinking about an icy glass of agua.  The city streets are almost more dangerous than when cars are on them - the kids, skateboarders and roller-bladers have no boundaries - I fear them intently. They are wild animals.  But I'm so glad I have the liberty of enjoying Yom Kippur.  For me it is a swell occasion - the busy country and my crazy city grinds to a complete halt of peace and tranquillity for 30 hours.  It is bizarre and special.  You can walk the streets for hours in quiet reflection, or ride around like a fruitloop on various wheeled items,  take your pick.  I know I'm supposed to be in awe of the solemn nature of the day itself, but I honestly can't help but relish in the fun.

Right before a skateboarder ran over one foot and my daughter weed on the other

Cars or no cars, a lazy child on a bike still needs to be pushed

By the time the next day shows its face, most people are suffering hard from dehydration.  I didn't really consider the implications of this when I decided to drink wine at lunch and send out a serious of eating and drinking photos to all the people I knew who were fasting.  While I think some people may have appreciated my disturbed sense of humour much much later, some never saw the light.  "Weird and mean" is how I was described by at least one person. That's ok - I'm leaving the country in a few months, I can take the heat.  Between offending my friends and faking my kids being Jewish at school I'm on borrowed time people, borrowed time.

Even my friend who was right there with me thinks I've got issues

I was more concerned I looked slightly pornographic

Not altogether right in the head - and what's with my eye socket?

I certainly can't take the heat from the sun though - this fucking fucking boiling hot country.  Its mid autumn for fucks sake - drop it below 32 already.  People experiencing near freezing conditions may be cursing my name, but I was in the cool not so long ago and it was a welcome reprieve I promise you.  Be grateful, I want to be you.  I am still trapped inside day after day hiding from the sun - I've got the age spots of a 60 year old, and no amount of laser therapy is going to zap those babies into submission..... please winter, please come. And while you're at it bring the rains too.  The city is unrecognisable from the amount of sand that got dumped on it during the dust storm.  And now, after the measly day and half back at school following Yom Kippur, another set of holidays has commenced.  The kids are now off school for 10 days.....again.  Remind me to hide the blue paint.

It went completely through the washing machine and turned all washing blue for about 6 loads before the penny dropped