Trippin' in Turkey - Part 1

Total Flag Lovers

To be honest, I've been fairly hesitant about posting this next chunk of text about how wonderful Turkey is and how everyone should go there.  It seems kind of a fickle remark after what they just suffered.  As many people probably know, the country had it's worst terrorist attack in it's history last week - the day after we flew out of there.  More than a hundred people were blown up at a peace rally in the Turkish capital of Ankara.  The government are blaming ISIS or the Kurds, but seeing as the rally was organised by the Kurds and they're the ones who got blown to pieces, well they are unsurprisingly not pointing the finger at themselves, and instead calling out the government - who actually does have a history of blowing up the Kurds on occasion.

*Apparently the Turkish government are now solely blaming ISIS.

What a pointless tragedy.

I  searched "Turkey Attacks" and this came up - so I thought I'd post it regardless.  Apparently they're very vicious.

And then I arrive home and things are going from bad to worse - Palestinians are shooting Israeli civilians - including a couple of young parents point blank in front of their 4 young children.  They would have shot the kids too but one of the two shooters shot his mate in the leg by accident so they made a run for it.  Soldiers are shooting the Palestinians attackers, while an extremist Jew stabbed 4 Palestinians.  Palestinians are stabbing citizens several times everyday - with knives, and one with a screwdriver outside a shopping centre I often go to in Tel Aviv.  Hamas are praising the stabbers and inciting more violence, there are riots on the border - the army are injuring hundreds with rubber bullets and tear gas - and some live ammunition there as well has killed people. Gaza has been sending a rocket or two, the Israeli's then fire back killing a woman and her child when a house collapsed.   Yesterday a 13 year old Palestinian boy stabbed a 13 year old Jewish boy - what the fuck is going on at his place for him to think stabbbing is a good move????? Just this very morning there has already been 4 attacks - a shooting and 3 stabbings that have seen two Israelis dead and about 20 injured.  It's not even lunch time yet (*this was written yesterday).  Apparently it was a "Day of Rage" for Palestinians.  The only good thing was that the Arab construction workers next door were on strike and they didn't spend 6 hours drilling into the wall next to us as they usually do.  I'm not worried about them knifing me while I'm out on my balcony - they'd need circus training if they wanted to get one in the heart.

I can't believe that in my last post I was writing all about how nice it was to see all the religious people mixing with the Palestinians and soldiers with the Muslim call to prayer resounding in the background at the Damascus Gate a couple of weeks ago in Jerusalem.  That was just before things really cut sick.  No wonder all the religious people were hurrying so much with their heads down - dudes were terrified. I'm so blissfully ignorant sometimes.  And god damn it, it's nice.

A little bit of a freak out outside the Damascus Gates

With all this kind of craziness everywhere, people say "What is the world coming to?".  But haven't people always said that? And can you feel safe anywhere really?  The fragility of life is ever present in everyday life wherever you may be, and I guess you just have to live without thinking too much about it, but being ever grateful for what you do have. Either that or drink copious amounts of alcohol and wear a tutu in public.  I am however, considering wearing a bullet proof vest when I do my shopping, plus a combat helmet and an Australian flag as a cape.  Or maybe the Tasmanian flag - they might confuse it with New Zealand's flag, and we all know the whole world loves a Kiwi.  The New Zealanders aren't randomly bombing Syria because America told them too.  The other stabber deterrent under consideration is a stick-on Taliban beard and just regular women's clothes below - both confusing and strangely alluring to a religious knife wielding fanatic.

I can buy this on Amazon - they ship to Israel too

23 year old Emily fresh from Turkey (glitter eyeshadow phase is over)

But back to Turkey where a joyous week of ignorant bliss was just spent, driving all around and looking out the window and going "Ooooooh". The last time I went to Turkey I had the absolute time of my life.  I was 23 years old and fresh of the bat from a European summer that included a mud riddled trip to Glastonbury and an overseas trip thrown into disarray, thanks partly to a 40 year old sleazy shaman with a long grey pony tail and a penchant for booty shorts (put it away Josef).  Those were the days when I strutted around in lilac Thai fisherman's pants and belly tops, and thought that wearing glitter on my eyelids was in someway spiritual.  My boyfriend didn't - I think 'pretentious' was how he described it.  I was hurt but quit pasting it on anyway.  That shit's murder when it ends up on your eyeballs - all scratchy.  We passed a pleasant 5 weeks being hippies and living for quite some time in a tree house on the Mediterranean Coast.  It was great until I got a nasty combination of projectile vomiting and projectile diarrhoea at the same time....but that's another charming story......

So it was with great excitement that I returned after all these years.  The first stop was of course Istanbul.  We had the worst landing known to man on the worst airline known to man - Pegasus.  Although they could be touch and go with Ethiopian Air - on this particular airline the seats were broken and we sat on a boiling hot tarmac in Bangkok for two hours with toilets on the blink - the air was pungent with poo poo.  But this time round, our pilot hit the ground so hard it was like he was trying to pay us back for being Israelis.  The air hostesses were also frightening.  Really really mean.  One of them bashed on the toilet door 3 times while I was in there.  And I don't mean knocked - that brute of woman nearly beat the door down.  He diarrhoea must have been worse than mine.  I came out preparing for a shout off but noticed she was about 50 kilos heavier than me and had a thick moustache so I backed off.  I just don't want to mess with any woman with a full moustache.  I'm terrified of female facial hair - it's a phobia.

3 hours of traffic and starvation later

Call me a total judgemental bastard, but I just found the Turks in Istanbul a little surly - like they had failed empire hangovers or something.  I mean I've got to give them something - the Ottoman Empire was pretty successful, and if it was still going maybe the whole of the Middle East wouldn't be trying to chop each other's head's off.  But get over it dudes, it collapsed a hundred years ago. I have one very special tip for you however - do not drive in this city!!!  As we found ourselves taking 3 hours to travel 4 kilometres, including getting stuck in a nasty jam in the long claustrophobic tunnel that goes under the bay, I started researching which cities in the world were worst for traffic.  It was a countdown sort of list - Chinese cities featuring heavily as did Los Angeles and Mexico City.  But there at number one position was good old Istanbul - the worst city in the world for traffic congestion.  You have been warned everyone.  I counted myself lucky though - I did also find another website which outlined the worst traffic jams in history - apparently there was one in China somewhere that went for 12 days!  Can you imagine?  You just pop down to the shop for some noodles and a pack of dried squid, and the next thing you know you're living in your car for almost 2 weeks and pissing into a empty iced jasmin tea bottle.  Unfortunate.

Quaintness in the Mist

It took a while to clear the city.  Pretty memorable is when you cross the big bridge over the river that separates Europe from Asia and one side of it says 'Welcome to Asia' and the other "Welcome to Europe".  That's fascinating stuff.  Speaking of continent divides (as you do), I've also been to Iceland where you can jump over the gap between the two tectonic plates that separate Europe and North America - also very cool.  After a few hours on the road we were in the mountainous regions south of Istanbul.  It would have been pretty, but the mist was so low you couldn't see much except a few sheep on the road right before you ploughed into them.  I guess it happens a lot, as some dudes on the side of the road had a couple of roadkill sheep going on skewers.  Then again they could have been the family dogs.  A skewered animal is difficult to identify on occasion.  We got out to take pictures and strangely my husband bought some 'sheep' and strangely we ate some of it in the car on the side of the road (the mist made it tricky to see any restaurants).  I got a bit edgy at the thickness of the skin, and my husband bailed out once he spotted the hairs.  It was a repulsive and degrading experience.

Roadkill Snacks

He wouldn't be too happy if we took out his sheep

Cob of corn anyone?

How 'bout a bite of a negro?

Who could say no to 50 giant sausages?

"Come and play with us forever and ever"

We decided not to stay in a deserted hotel in one of the deserted towns on top of the mountain.  We actually had a tour of it from  the doorman, but it was far too much like the hotel from "The Shining" to consider closing your eyes at night - and don't forget I've actually got a pair of girls that resemble those freaky twins standing in that river of blood from the movie - and one of mine sleep walks on occasion.  I couldn't risk them walking around in the dark saying creepy things in unison like "Come and play, we won't hurt you".   I spent the rest of the trip having actual nightmares about being in the hotel, being chased and seeing "REDRUM" written on the door.  I kept waking up in a cold sweat each morning.

The horror

Spot of Santa at The Shining Hotel anyone?

We ended up staying in the foothills of the mountains on the edge of a city called Bursa, in a thermal springs hotel that had a bathing house which resembled a gay disco.  It was marvellous and empty.  In addition to the steam room and the sauna, there were about 4 different types of showers - one massage, one ice bucket, one steaming hot and one with strobe lights and 'relaxing sounds' that were anything but.  The strobe light one was a bit much and made me feel like I was in the middle of a jail break.  I spent most of my time in the scalding hot swimming pool with 3 waterfalls and 'stars' on the roof.  The next morning's breakfast buffet was ridiculously extravagant.  There were so many dishes it would have taken the kitchen hand about 8 hours to wash all the empty bowls once breakfast wound up.  There were 25 different types of cheese for a start, and they even kept their choccy croissants in a warming tray and kept constantly topping up my coffee (that is all I need in this world).

Turkish Street life

Ataturk - everyone's favourite leader

Next stop, Cumalikizik.  I just love saying this - try it with your friends sometime.  But far from a place of perversion and pants down, Cumalikizik is filled with cobblestones and old houses and not too many tourists.  I don't think it's a "Must See" so that always helps with the thousands of  tourist bus loads, and the dead feeling in your soul.  We made some friends from Saudi Arabia, and luckily had coached the girls to say we were from Australia not Israel.  To be honest, I don't think we Aussie's are high on the international love list in Turkey, after showing up and blowing parts of it up in WWI.  But we're definitely higher up on the list than Israeli's.

Just strolling around Cumalikizik

The mysterious "Kestane Sekeri" - what the hell are they?

Junk Stuff anyone?

Our new Saudi chums

Next stop the Aegean Coast....after quite a few driving hours, lots of "Kestane Sekeri" signs, and a shitload of whinging.  Kids adore a roadtrip.  Just love it.  When else do they get to watch one Disney movie after another until Mummy's shitty laptop dies in the arse 2 hours from the destination. The sweet sound of complaint.  You get hardened to it, you really do.  Actually I think that is the main strategy to successful parenting - become immune to complaining, God knows it never stops, no matter how many sticker books and treaties you throw at them.  In fact I think I could successfully handle the stress of working in an Jetstar Complaints Department after rearing twins.  Bring it.....all the way to the sea.