Big Bums, Big Meat and The Big Jesus

Shiny Happy People in Rio!

I mostly look for ways to be scornful and blase.  In fact I devote my life to it.  Tell me an interesting tale - "Whatevs" I may reply.  Show me something amazing and I'll be like "Meh".  Give me an incredible meal and I'm bound to say "Had better".  I can't help it.  I'm a bastard.  At least I know it.  That must go someways to redemption.

Incredibly cool city

Hi Jesus

Talking of redemption here we were at last.  Home of the big redeemer himself.  If there was going to be any atonement what so ever, I was going to get it from the Main Man of all things redeemable.  The big C. - aka The Lord.  As you drive into Rio, there he blows - up on the hill like he's about to bungee jump onto Rio itself.  Gooooooooo Jesus!  They light him up at night, and despite not exactly being in the International Fan Club of Jesus - I was loving the sight, as was my little Jewish friend next to me.  We of course visited up close and personal.  Took some photos. felt confident we had "done" Cristo Redentor - if he was in Australia he would, of course, be The Big Jesus.

There's only one person who looks good from the back here....

Rio is the shit.  It lives up to the hype of complete fabulousness.  You can't be scornful - that city has all the charm and character you could ever want.  For a start it is naturally gorgeous.  Built on an incredible coastline is a good start.  Any metropolis edged by wonderful beaches has already done well.  Rio makes the most of it's ocean frontage with wide open promenades running alongside of it, for people to walk, run, ride, walk their dogs, roller blade (if they are passe - although apparently rollerblades are "vintage" now - so how old does that make you all feel?).  That part of the city has a very Tel Aviv feel to it.

Apparently there's good night life - I stress "apparently" here

View from the room

But unlike Tel Aviv, behind the beachie front juts a series of giant granite outcrops.  They look a bit like the limestone karsts of Krabi in Thailand.  Anyway, Rio's granite mountains are densely covered in lush greenery, as are all the hills up behind the city.  There is a huge national park that forms the backdrop to the amazing frontage.  This national park protects the city's water supply, and is home to lots of animals, waterfalls, places for hiking (as if).  The actual city itself, is of course diverse, but it is noticeably full of historical buildings from the 1800s in various states of disrepair.  Crumbling and cracking streets, and the robust vines and greenery trying to push out of anywhere it can.  The city itself has a ban on billboards for advertising, and if anyone has experienced this before (Havana in Cuba for us), it is so refreshing and gives a certain kind of mental peacefulness that makes you realise how much crap is being pounded into our brains from everywhere we look in most other places.  Although David Beckham in his underpants is always welcome.

Copacabana Beach

To get between areas in Rio, you have to typically drive through long tunnels that have been burrowed through the rocky outcrops.  Also something worth mentioning are the favelas (slums) that surround the city.  Apparently 6% of Brazil's population live in the slum areas - which totals about 11.4 million people.   A sizable amount.   Rio is famous for it's favelas, and although the poorest of the poor areas, they have a certain attractiveness when viewed from a distance.  Not so much on the close up though.  Take a wrong turn off the highway and within 5 minutes you can be stuck in the middle of one with no idea of how to get out.  With reports of high crime in Brazil, and fingers typically all pointed in the direction of the favelas you can get a little uncomfortable when sporting a big diamond on your own finger while trying to ask for directions.  The thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is that it is sort of stuck on there at the moment due to too much post wedding eating, with the realisation I had that your average thief is more likely to have a big knife on him rather than a container of hand soap.  I like my fingers.

Favela from above

Tourists on Top

Mention Brazil to anyone, and it's all about the hot chicks.  Brazilian have got a reputation as a seriously sexy nation.  Now I went beach time, we also went beachside strolling and driving, and I would have to offer a big "What's all the fuss?".  I'm sorry to question the beloved stereotype, but on average you'll get better lookers in Australia.  Sure there are a few good ones, but aren't there everywhere???  The really hot ones were mainly the tourists trying to keep up with the myth.  The majority of the population have been a bit too heavy handed on the dulce de leche.  The fatties are rampant, waddling all over the place stuffing oily food down their gullets.  It's true that on the beach it's all about the bums.  It's not often you see people giving themselves a wedgie by choice (my reaction would try to be be pull bathers out of crack instead of pull them further in).  But those bums are big.  Really big.  And it's not always a good thing to see.  Not according to Arnold Schwarzenegger though, who famously proclaimed "I can absolutely understand why Brazil is totally devoted to my favourite body part, the ass." Although after viewing the video, you can see he had some prime ones on hand (literally).  If anyone wants to see Arnie in action in Brazil see below video for a 1970s look at Rio with the big sleaze.   But the question remains for me - who wants it to be all about the "ass".  Unless it's a really good one.  But as I mentioned before it's not.  Myth shattered.

Less like this (The Miss Bum Bum Competition)

More like this......

Garcon!  More I say, MORE!

It's not surprising that your typical Brazilian women are packing it behind, and the men in front - large guts I'm talking here.  The food flows thick and fast.  Breakfasts consist of piles of pastries, Brazilian cheese bread (one of the tastiest things on the face of this earth), cheeses, meats, cakes, hot chocolate and really good coffee.  Lunch and dinner means one thing and one thing alone - Churrascarias.  Basically Brazilian steakhouses serving Rodízio, where waiters come around the tables with all kinds of incredible meats cooked and presented on large metal skewers or knives.  You turn the little round coaster in front of you over from red to green, and let the carnage commence!  The meat man comes on over, you take a little pair of tongs and grab those thinly sliced meats as the meat master slices them off his stash.  Sometimes 20 different types of beef cuts come knocking at the door, and you have to quickly flip over to red before you have to undo another button.  Who knew there were so many ways to enjoy your slaughtered beast?  Has anyone ever had "hump" before - it's quite something. Then usually after this, comes the slow roasted beef ribs on a big trolley, so you quickly flip that disk back over to all systems go.  Never say no to the ribs.   Big Jesus Christ.  This is some seriously incredible stuff here.  Let's just put it this way.  I haven't been following a vegan diet for quite some time.  This place is a personal insult to vegetarians.  Added into the mix are the most incredible buffets containing salads, cheeses, veggies, rice, sushi, breads, pasta etc.  Also deposited on your table are dishes of fried banana, beans, rice, cheese bread etc.  Then of course you have to wash it all down with a bottle of Brazilian red, after firstly downing a couple of caipirinhas.

Roast my pretties, roast....

All the many sorts of beast - notice the hump up top

I spent many a dehydrated sweaty night in Brazil.  It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.  And my own bum??? Well lets just say there's a reason why it's strictly above the waist photos from now on.....

That last piece of top sirloin is repeating on me......