Free Shit is the Best Shit

Teddy Bear Extravaganza

Mmmmmm Sure do

I was amped for another stint in New York.  Who wouldn't be?  I was also amped for a free night at The Peninsula Hotel in Manhattan.  Again, who wouldn't be?  This is a prime example of taking advantage of a situation at all benefit to yourself and none to the the promotion creators.  I'm sure the promotion isn't meant to be used in this way.  But who cares?  We do it all the time.  Occasionally, we get offers from hotels such as "One night is free".  Naturally the hotels draw people in with this, obviously thinking that if people are staying one night, then they will definitely stay at least one more, most likely much more, which is when we will hit them up for top dollar - (insert hand rubbing and evil money loving grin).  We never do.  We stay one night, get a whole lot of free shit, and then piss off to somewhere much cheaper.  In this instance for example, we had the free night, free breakfast, plus $100 free credit to be used on anything in the hotel - room service, spa etc.  Life's good.  Not only this, but there were other bonuses - free teddy bears for the girls, who were wearing mini Peninsula bellhop uniforms, dressing gowns, teddy bear slippers,plus piles and piles of cakes and chocolates awaiting us in the room.  It's a good thing I've been on a junk food binge lately, and also that I'm a bad parent.  Once they'd already spot the cardboard car filled with M&Ms and cookies, to take it away is a shit-fight that a person who's been on a plane all day followed by a two hour wait to get through customs is not in the mood for.  Eat jellybeans for dinner kids, who gives a fuck......and here pass me that white chocolate statue of liberty so I can bite it's head off.....

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

It was enjoyable, that's for sure.  But it would have been less enjoyable if we had had to pay $900 for the privilege.  Sucked in other guests.

Ok, so she wasn't in her underpants

When people say "Something is always happening in New York", it's not just a cliche.  Let me outline my first morning out and about.  I got in the elevator to be greeted with a lick on the hand by a giant blue-eyed husky held on a leash by a giant Russian model.  It's fascinating being up close to unbelievably pretty people.  You can't help staring.  How can anyone look that good in real life?  I tucked in my muffin top.  As self appointed Friend of The World, I kick started a little morning chatski.  "Hey, you can have dogs in this hotel?  Isn't it squashy in the room?"  She replied in  James Bond bad-girl accent, "Well you know, they are so nice to my dog, they bring it mineral water and snacks all the time.  This is why I stay in this hotel".  So it's not for the free cupcakes....interesting.......I replied "Yeah, they gave my children teddy bears".  She wasn't impressed.  She was no Chatty Catty.  Our brief friendship was over.  Who wants a model as a chum anyway?  How could you ever go anywhere with them - you'd be mistaken for a dumpy dwarf.

Another sucker 

Anyway, so I stepped outside, it was raining.  I took an umbrella and started walking down 5th Avenue.  Almost immediately I was accosted by a monk handing me a lucky charm.  I was starting to feel all blessed and special when I noticed him take out a little folder.  He proceeded to show me a tattered photograph of a temple and insisted I write my name down in a book.  Meanwhile he was trying to load a wooden bracelet on my wrist.  This is when noticed the "Monk" had a dirty sweatshirt and acid wash jeans on under his tatty brown robe.  I then noticed the column where I was mean to write down my donated amount to his temple.  The bracelet was off, the charm pushed back in to his hand.  I have been the victim of enough scams to recognise when I'm being conned (I think I once mentioned my donation to the deaf society in Paris one year to a gypsy who started speaking normally to his mates as soon as he had my tenner in his mitt.  I shouldn't have donated so much but I panicked when being begged for cash by someone talking like a deaf mute in my face).  Well the monk got a bit pushy then.  Literally.  He started jostling me for money until I said loudly in my face "I am NOT giving you money, but let me tell you who I am giving money to (I gestured behind me to a homeless guy shaking under a blanket in the rain), that man there.  And wouldn't you agree that he needs it more than you?  Now let go of me.... Your Holiness".  I felt satisfied that my pittance had gone to a more deserving party until Chalky later suggested that the monk and the blanket shaker were probably in cahoots.

This old prick's done well sucking in the tourists - splashes out on a car and a slut

Wearing a hat is the first sign of insanity

Following my brush with the fake religious, I ducked into the giant Uni Qlo - a Japanese clothing brand, typically regarded as cheap shit in Japan, but some how cross-Atlantic translated here in NYC as cool digs.  I couldn't have been in there for more than two minutes when the loudest alarm I've ever heard in my life went off.  This was no fire-alarm jingle but a full blown "my ear drums are going to burst/sound-used-for-weapons-of-war type alarm.  Even with my fingers shoved in my ears it was painful.  The entire shop started stampeding for the door.  Everyone is on a hair trigger in the States after Boston at the moment.  The women in front of me actually turned around and yelled to her friends "It's a Bomb!".  Fucking hell.  Surely it's illegal to shout that.  I bolted down three flights of stairs at world record breaking speed, yet tried to appear casual.  All I could think was "Please don't let me die in fucking Uni-Qlo.  How un-glamorous.  At least make it Prada or something".  Luckily I passed the George Castanza test and didn't trample any children or old ladies to save myself.  I loved that episode of Seinfeld - remember at the kid's birthday party when George disgraced himself and ended up getting in a fight with Bozo the children's party clown after pushing kids aside to get out the door?  Shameless self preservation is my Mum's biggest fear.  She always panics that a situation of life and death will occur and she will abandon all sense of caring and save only herself.....She would have made a shit fire-fighter.

Looks cool - filled with junk

Anyway, once I got out on the street I cleared the building and decided I had to go home and have a shot of whisky.  I was rounding 55th street to go inside, when a bus came hurtling around the corner, skidded on the wet oily streets, and clipped the side of a car that was parked directly opposite the Hotel's entrance.  It could have actually been the Hotel's limo - that was unclear in the resulting chaos.  Naturally the bus didn't stop (who really gives a shit in this city), but the damage only turned out to be the side mirror.  The doormen were all still going nuts.  I hung up my umbrella and slunk back in the building.

The limo and it's side mirror in happier days

It sure was an action filled 15 minutes.  Thank god we were shifting out of Manhattan that day.  I can't take that much excitement on a daily level.....