Once I was hot......

Could this reflect the duality of existence....or is it just our photographer trying to be all cool and arty.....

For anyone that didn't see it......

The question is; How long can a person string out a one-day event for??? (Actually make that a 2 day event - even one day wasn't enough).  Well I'm nearly into my third week, and still going strong.  My aim is to make it trickle out over the next six months.  People may hate me eventually, but what are you all going to do about it when I post a picture of my bouquet in May?  Or worse, have it made into potpourri and gift it out to you at Christmas time with a miniature shot of me in my wedding dress tied neatly around the top.  Nothing.  That's what.   I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am completely addicted to the attention.  Each "like" on a photo posted of me, each comment on my sparkly glory is like a push on the morphine button in intensive care.  I don't want it to stop....pleeeeeeaaaassssse keep loving meeeeeeeeee.  Sorry I lost it there for a second and disgraced myself.  I'll try to be cooler.

Or how about this one?  Another look anyone....anyone???

Happy to be upstaged by my angels

But honestly lets face facts.  If I wasn't getting the love I would be cut to pieces.  You have to get some bang for your many thousands of bucks.  That's our kids college fund your bastards ate and drank you know, the least you can all do is tell me I'm sexy and that you really like me........And about that, while I'm at it.  I have never spent so much money on, or devoted that much attention to my physical appearance.  All down the drain now though.  It's like it never happened.....I did draw the line at cosmetic procedures though.  So much can go wrong.  It could be really embarrassing to have facial paralysis or something.....Has anyone seen that show Bridalplasty??  It's one of those gems on the crappy American reality circuit.  There are a dozen chicks all competing with mini procedures every week (a nose job here, some resurfacing there) and living in the same house - all fighting and bitching about each other.  All that TV gold.  Whoever wins, gets the full bridal overhaul - lipo, facial reconstruction, tits - you name it.  Then the final result is unveiled to everyone at the actual ceremony.  As the groom hasn't seen his wife-to-be for about 4 months, the look on his face is quite something.  Not always a good thing either......Anyway, as I said, TV gold.

They missed the forehead.....

We all want our second toe shortened love

Odd.  I have a strange sensation to grope my own breasts

So no, I didn't quite get my tits done (although looking at the photos, a lift wouldn't have been a bad idea) - but I did go a lot further than I would on a regular basis.  Mainly with shellac nails (even the name sounds boganic), spray tans (more bogan), hair treatment and styling, ears pieced, and piles of makeup.  Not to mention the waxing.  Every hair was ripped out from every surface of my body.  It was disturbing.  The lady I always get waxed by is a bit mental.  But I really like her.  Even if she does say "Don't be ridiculous" when I tell her I like my pubes, and proceeds to rip them off anyway.  At least I kept my eyebrows this time.  I was wise to her tricks.  Last time I was in there there she said "There is NO way I'm letting you walk out of here with those things on your head"  "But Lou I like them" says I.  "Are you serious??" she says, "You look like Fucking John Howard, let me at them"....Rip rip.....screeeeeaaaaammmm.  I try to argue mid job, "Lou the overgrown brow is in".  "Not that over grown" she asserts (more ripping and screaming) - "Nobody want to look like they've got two caterpillars on their head".  She really did say these things to me by the way.  I was insulted.  I hate skinny eyebrows too.  She is effective though - quick and relatively painless.  Although I do usually take a couple of panadols before I go in, and she still tells me to shusssshhh when I start screaming when she goes in for the fanny.  A word of advice though, if you ever hear the phrase "I call this bit 'the ring of fire'", pull your pants up and run for the hills......Then of course there was the whole exercise thing I got into over the last month.  Now that was psycho.  Who gets up at 5.15am to drive to a exercise class?  A bride to be with an unforgiving dress who has a bad habit for red wine, cheese, and those delicious fucking chocolate covered goji berries I discovered in the "health food" shop and used to tip into my mouth while driving to and from the exercise class (energy dudes, energy).

It seems strangely better in the photo than real life......

A wedding is a massive thing to organise yourself.  It's like childbirth and baby rearing.  You have no idea what it's like, until you do it yourself.  I was all superior thinking I was really relaxed, until the tension started to build in the final week, and thing after thing went wrong.  Injuries, cancellations, and then the liaison chick from MONA I'd been dealing with on a daily basis for a year, calling in sick on the actual day.  I was peaking, really peaking.  And it wasn't pretty.  But as with a lot of events that have been a long time in the coming, the anticipation is the most hellish part.  In reality, it was far out fucking fantastic, from glorious start to fabulous finish.  I loved it all, and I wish it was still going.  Plus, once it's up and running, you don't give a shit.  I was having such a great time that not one thing was going to upset me.....unorganised moments, falling down lanterns, complaints about the food.  Who gives a shit?? As my new sister in law said.  As long as you look good, and the wine is good - nothing else matters. Forget marrying the love of your life with your beloved children taking centre stage, in Tasmania's world class venue.  All in front of an army of all the people you love best in the world.  It's about the booze and compliments.  Make no mistake.

It really looks like I'm touching the ceiling here....Lionel Richie echos in my head - I wish it didn't

After Party Trippy Effect

Many shoes are off....

We even had an after party inside MONA (the museum) itself.  It was thrilling.  We were also planning to have an after party in our pavilion on site after 5am, but we never made it.  I grew tired of smiling, and talking, and sick of people shouting into my ear.  So finally, at 4.30am, me and my beloved made our way across the grass, under the moon, arm in arm to our pavilion looking out over the river.  It was a magical end to a beautiful day and night.  The party continued.  I heard the rumours that it turned into an orgy, but these were, of course, exaggerated.  I do know however, that a whole bottom story of one pavilion was flooded with bubbles from the spa and there were a few people in their underpants kissing each other. Possibly some groping........one can always hope........

The photo that started it all......

Brilliant movie no matter how dated

Considering we had The Party with Peter Sellers playing on the wall of the midnight to 5am museum party, and that movie ends in a bubble extravaganza, it was pretty apt.  But I am more than happy to have the rumours continue.  I want my wedding to be known as the wedding that ended in an orgy.  It's the stuff of legend.  And more importantly it is something that will be talked about for a bit longer, and as you all know I live for the attention that brings........

The shy and retiring bride slips into the background with modesty and subdued elegance