Ticking all the Tourist Boxes

Picking daisies at the Pitti Palace

Ah, life 'on the road'.  Actually I wish our experiences were emulating Jack Kerouac's stellar journey through 1950s beatnik culture.  Our adventure is less train jumping, not so much underground jazz clubs and not really piles of booze and pills.......maybe the booze though.  A bottle of red nightly is the reason why I've neglected fingers to keyboard before bed of late.  No biggie - I'm full of shit anyway, what difference does it make......On the road for us is more about screaming from the backseat, accidental pissing of car seats, piles of dirty washing (due to the pissing), crumbs from service station snacks covering every inch of the car......yep, the good life.  Jack had nothing I don't have right now.  Apart from talent, fame and a diseased liver.  I am however, interested in seeing the movie though - it must be due out soon.  Can they pull off one of the most important books of all time in movie format?  Unlikely.  Kerouac actually wrote his most famous novel in three weeks.  On an old typewriter of course - the ink ribbon, the difficult-to-press letters.  He actually stuck sheets and sheets and paper together in an extremely long strip so he wouldn't have to keep stopping to load each piece.  Critics called his work 'typing not writing'.  I personally think it was a genius move.

Tassie's Cremorne beach shits all over Amalfi's

But back to us.....to be honest what can you really say about taking a road trip - well maybe, "We saw lots of cool shit out the window".  Great, and so what....First part equalled lame highway, but the last section of our first day was spent negotiating the hellishly scary and beyond beautiful stretch of road that winds along the Amalfi Coast.  It's good to hug the arse end of a bus in this circumstance.  They barge on through, forcing lesser vehicles to nearly drive off the side to avoid a head on.  Thus we could cruise through ourselves, in their wakes.  Of course the scenery was stunning.  The Amalfi region - like many parts of Italy is an historical area and first became a tourist destination in the 1800s.  The hotels are beautiful, with a hefty bill to match and a snooty attitude to accompany these things.  We neglected to shack up here.  We did however stay in an old hotel round the corner in Sorrento.  We had a room with a spectacular balcony and and at about 10pm at night there was a fireworks show - in the air right next to our balcony.  Completely front row view.  Completely the noisiest thing I've ever heard.

Sorrento - not bad at all

The hotel was 160 years old and has been owned ever since by the same family.  I don't think they've attended to the pipes for 160 years though.  Chalky was tormented during the night by a "water noise" and demanded a room change at 2.30am........and thus his transformation into Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm is nearing completion.  I was unaware as usual.  My little orange babies see that I sleep on undisturbed nightly.  I'm talking my treasured foam earplugs here.  I love those little darlings more than anything.  Much, much more than any person I know.  They are my entry into a world of peace and tranquillity.  Everything sounds better when muffled by my little foamy orange sweethearts.  They are getting a bit black though - it's embarrassing when housekeeping finds them in the bed and lays them on a tissue on the bedside table.  Got to wait for another plane trip - the best ones are sourced from the amenities pack on the long haul flights.

Naples' produce market - if you ever go, select the thyme covered cheese

Pizza Naples style

Go the Neo

The next day it was fanny packs strapped on, geek hats in place, baggy souvenir t-shirts on, cameras around necks and walking sandals a ready.   The family Korman was off to see the sights.  Next time I'm going to make sure I have four t-shirts all printed with a photo of the four of us smiling like lunatics across the front.  They are class.  Naples first.  Eat pizza.  Check.  Look at old shit.  Check.  Worry we're going to get pick-pocketed.  Check.  Complain about the crazed driving.  Check.  OK then...... Happy that we "did" Naples, we were ready for more viewing.  Bring on the next..........But quickly first - Naples is fantastic.  Like a larger grander version of Palermo in Sicily, it is all crumbling, dirty, noisy, real and beautiful.  Because most visitors to the area are scared they are going to get robbed, it's not so crowded with day trippers.  Good place.  Very very good.  One thing though - did not see any Neapolitan icecream.  Disappointed.  That was our freezer staple growing up.  Could it be an Aussie invention?  And if so, is it bogan?  Whatevs, mix that shit together when it gets a bit melty and it's tops.....

Naples Opera House - minus the opera part

It may look like a pile of crappy rubble

Following destination = Herculaneum.  This is the "other" place that got wiped out when Vesuvius blew it's load in 79AD.  Isn't Vesuvius a brilliant name?  It is for sure my favourite mountain name.  I love the sound of it.  Say it with me three times verrrrrrr suuuuuuu veeee usssssss.  If I had a son I would name him Vesuvius.  Actually, Lord Vesuvius.  I'd craft him a velvet cloak to wear and teach him street fighting from an early age to tackle the school bullying issues.  Right then, Herculaneum ......Everyone has heard of Pompeii (pretty much?  Volcanic ash covers city, bodies of fleeing people caught unawares discovered many hundreds of years later????).  It's fascinating stuff.  Also very interesting how volcanic materials can preserve organic materials doncha think?......We decided however to go to the smaller city of Herculaneum first and perhaps pay a visit to Pompeii the following day.  This was because we heard that it was easier to see Herculaneum as it's a much more concentrated and smaller area.  Also much less popular with visitors.  From above it looked like a pile of old rubble, but actually walking amongst the city was extraordinary.  Because of the state of preservation, you were able to determine what life was really like in an ancient Roman city.

Check the clay pot in the background

Nice how the grass was preserved too........

Herculaneum was much wealthier than Pompeii so some of the ruins of the houses of rich merchants were unbelievable.  Mosaics remained, as did actually charred wood!  This showed the extreme temperatures that ravaged the city when the volcano erupted.  I think it was 700 degrees.  Apparently the heat liquefied the residents' internal organs....niiiiiicccccceeeee.   It's extremely rare to see the wooden parts that made up the buildings in ancient times, and therefore, this made for extremely fascinating viewing.  On this occasion, I was moved.  What was also interesting was to see the 20 metre high wall of volcanic rock and sediment that had once covered the city.  Apparently what in uncovered is only a fraction of the original city, most which remains deep below the modern day buildings and houses that surround the archaeological uncoverings.  A remarkable sight.  It makes you wonder what else is underneath doesn't it?

Pretty Florence

Two monkeys and a lion

The next day we decided against Pompeii and hightailed it to Florence, with a bag drop in Rome. It turned out taking a lot longer than expected and we didn't arrive until dark.  We also could not find the bloody hotel and ended up being guided the wrong way down a long one way street by the girl on reception over the phone.  An interesting experience.  The hotel was great, but so so hot.  I hate it when you can't control the heating in your room.  We couldn't have the window open at night for long either because it was so noisy.  I spent three days with the driest throat you could ever imagine.  In fact it is still dry now....a lingering effect......Though, how can you knock Florence otherwise?  After all it is considered to be the birthplace of the Renaissance, and was once the wealthiest city in the world.  It's gorgeous.  Really truly gorgeous.  The Medicis sure dropped a bundle on making it pretty all those years ago.  Crammed full of treasures too, elegant, refined and cultural, and one of the most fashionable places on the planet.  All round loveliness.  Again, moved.

Right before the faceplant

Florence nightlife for us

Hands off my euros you grotty little buggers

What's to report?  Got conned into to spending euros on roses from  a "rose man" They must sniff me out or something, I'm such an easy sell.  I don't actually mind giving a few bucks to the rose men, and other Bangladeshies who sell useless chinese crap in the piazzas.  It's when I fall for the gypsy scams that it gets embarrassing.  I once made Chalky spot me a donation to give to the "Deaf Society".  Basically a gypsy teenager talking in a funny voice with a clipboard.  As soon as he got the cash he started talking and laughing normally with his fellow "Deaf Society" scammers.  Didn't even care that I was standing right in front of him, the ten euros only just leaving my hands.  I would have also got cleaned up in Las Ramblas in Barcelona by the gypsies with the ball under cups trick.  However, I was yanked away by a local in the nick of time.....I'm sure I could have won though......

smells so good

Let me see - what else......?  Got jiggy with some culture, saw piles of pretty buildings and treasures, drank a lot of good wine, ate too much good food, wandered the streets, elbowed some Indian tourists out of my way, fought some Chinese tourists over bags at the outlet malls.  I must say, if you want to do some shopping, Florence is your cash dropping zone.  Those outlet malls are packing some serious bargains for clothing.  Perhaps not for bags though.  Even though your three thousand dollar bag is reduced to five hundred - that is still 500 bucks for a god dam bag.  Bloody hell.  They are pretty though.  I like the smell even more than the look.  You open them up and have a sniff......mmmmmm the expensive leather.  So much sniffing was I doing that I was asked to leave Prada.  I think they thought I was mentally challenged.  The impression was further cemented as we had snuck into disabled parking.  Don't judge me dudes.  Travelling with 3 year old children is sort of like having a physical handicap if you really think about it though.  But yes, go to those outlet malls, fight the Asians in the early morning rush, and buy a $100 dollar pair of D&G sunnies.  You will feel cool.

In all but looks, may I present my future husband

We drove onwards a couple of days later.  I was terribly excited about going to Venice.  This was mainly because we were going to drop the car off for three days in one of those long term carparks.  Thank god.  I couldn't take the pressure of anymore of those tight streets.  My suspicions are also now fully cemented.  I am a shocking backseat driver.  Really truly bad.  As Chalks further transforms to Larry, I continue my own transformation into my mother.  Can the two of them stay in harmonious partnership - Larry David,  and Mandy Saunders?  Only time will tell.........Meanwhile, let's go to Venice!  Ahoy!  (Oh god, that kind of enthusiastic nerdiness is all kinds of bad).