Maria, Elizabeth and Me

Accidentally chose a man's wig for Cordi - shhh don't tell her

Call me ignorant, call me culturally prejudiced and insensitive, but I'd never really rated Austria.  I'd never thought to myself "Gee, I really must get myself to Austria, and see where Mozart spent his formative years, while I'm dining on schnitzel and linzer torte".  Not once.  Ever.  I was wrong and foolish.  This place is the shiz you fuckers.  I like it here.  I like it a lot.  It's also good to be out of a hotel.  I'm also aware of how spoilt that sounds, as who doesn't love a hotel?  But all those "hellos" every time you step a toenail outside your room.  People barging in all the time to check the mini bar, clean the room, turn down your bed, put some mints on your pillow, give you some water.....Jeeze, I'm trying to sloth round in my undies people.  Plus every morning you have to get your shit together in a major way before you hit the restaurant for breaky.  Showers, hair, make up (lots and lots), clean clothes.  And then there's the children's-shit-together part which is a whole other level of uselessly pissing around bullshit.  You can't just have them breakfasting in their jim jams, dropping Special K all over themselves like at home.  It's a major operation, and once you get there, hotel breakfasts involve aprons - unless you want to have 'Get Dressed Part II' afterwards.  Bibs just don't slice that mustard these days.  It's full body coverage I need.  You don't want to get your clothes washed at a hotel - 1 pair of laundered child's leggings costs 7 euros.

In the museum quarter - lots of mulled wine drinking going on here

When we moved into our Vienna apartment we couldn't go anywhere for 24 hours.  I had washed every garment the four of us owned, and there was no clothes drier.  Even though we are shacked up across the road from the Opera House, I derived more satisfaction from viewing the piles of clean washing, and that is, in itself, extremely sad and pathetic.  It's been a while since I had a washing machine though - is it sort of understandable?  I must say though, this place is bloody cold.  The novelty of strutting around in my new coat has worn off and I'm back to bitchen about the daily high.  Thank goodness we don't have an entire European winter ahead of us.  How do people cope?  They're out there swanning around  in a couple of degrees looking all happy all the time.  Munching on kartofelpuffen and slugging glühwein (although that in itself could explain a lot).  That mulled wine stuff smells so much better than what it tastes.  But I guess it is warming on the way down, and quickly gets you spazza, and that's what it's all about.

I like this house of colours thingo

Getting her hot chocolate fix

Lipizzaner Horse

But back to Vienna itself.  The city is incredibly beautiful.  That Austrian Empire really hoarded some wealth for quite a considerable time and the effects are staggeringly amazing.  I was moved.  I still am. The shopping is also overwhelming.  We spend hours just wandering along peering at all the wares on offer.  They have gone mental on the Christmas displays as well, and we are just waiting for the day that the giant light displays hanging along the open malls will finally be switched on. There are also a myriad of incredible museums and art galleries.  Sadly we can't do justice to what's on offer.  We are too busy restraining our dwarf-like offspring who are fuelled on hot chocolates.  I'm not sure if it's me (most likely it's the hot chocolates), but they definitely seems more psychotic than usual.  No matter how many activities and fun stuff we do to please them, they revert to their former crappy behaviour within minutes of the pre-mentioned activity finishing. They are like "Queenie" in Blackadder 2 -  childish, mentally unbalanced, and with absolute power.  But like Queenie, they are also very funny.  Humour really goes a long way in redeeming a person.

Us, Prancer, Dancer and The Guvnor

Giddyup Cord

Creepy, deserted, partially open amusement park

Our schedule of activities has been as follows; horse pulled carriage rides through the old city with a driver I was tempted to address as "Guvnor"; pony rides at an almost deserted and creepy old fashioned amusement park.  This place was particularly amazing because they had an authentic old fashioned carousel.  Now in this instance I'm not talking mechanical, I mean actual carriages all in a circle pulled by real horses walking around and around (hard to make out in photo background).  We've been up early watching the Lipizzan (Dancing Horses) do their morning exercises to classical music.  They do them prancing around in an incredible giant hall with  chandeliers all over the ceiling.  We've also had two sessions at the Children's museum - Zoom - one in a giant sandpit (Chalky's waking nightmare) and one sliding through tunnels and fighting babies for toy control in an Ocean display.  Cordi lost to a crawler.  We've strolled endless Christmas markets, where even more glühwein is consumed than usual, and drunk a million hot chocolates.  But my absolute favourite was back to Schönbrunn, where we spent hours in the children's section of the palace.  The wig styling room was a highlight, as was playing in the Royal Nursery with old fashioned toys.  But best of all was the Imperial Princess dress ups from the late 1700s - complete with hoop petticoats, gowns, lace sleeved jackets, wigs, gloves and fans. I was tempted to dress up too in the adults section - until I spotted one of those drab, geeky English mothers really getting into it.  Not quite ready yet to have something in common with English Jill, not quite.....

Really feeling the Princess thing

Really bad tantrum when she had to take it off

Cordi becomes attached to a rag doll in the imperial nursery

Valli works a style in the wig dressing room

She claims she's having fun- I'm just not feeling it

Bounce Chickadee

You wholesome freaks......I love you

Sadly for myself, I've had to abandon my intended trip to Salzburg. It is a drive of 3 and a half hours (at the bare minimum) to get there, and thus the same back.  Plus, my intention of dragging everyone on a bus for a four hour tour of Sound of Music sites just isn't going to wash.  I really am that much of a geek, but Chalky isn't.  My dream of dressing him in a pair of lederhosen with matching braces and a feathered hat into the bargain aren't going to translate into reality - maybe for our wedding?  If he really loves me he'll do it.  I've been doing my research on the real Maria Von Trapp as well, and it's heartbreaking.  I wish I'd never started.  I've found out things that Julie Andrews can never know.  And my grandmother - from her this must be kept a secret forever more.  Namely, the real Maria was actually violent and mean, and she enslaved the children into singing for money once they arrived in the US.  It's too horrible to contemplate.  Sweet little movie Maria is a lie everyone.  A lie.  She didn't even love Baron Von Trapp, and felt disgusted about sleeping with him following the wedding.  Also they didn't flee from the Nazi's, hide in the convent  and escape through the mountains right after winning the National singing contest.

The real Maria.....euuuuugggghhhh

In reality, they left openly by train after they were asked to sing at Hitler's birthday party.  The children weren't called Liesel, Frederick, Louisa, Brigitta, Kurt, Marta and Gretel either.  Also, Baron Von Trapp was really nice and didn't ban singing from the house, so in actual fact, Frauline Maria taught them shit.  Forget Do Re Me, they already knew how to sing.  I am crushed and deluded.   Well all I can say is shove off the real Maria Von Trapp Bitchface.  There will never be any Maria for me than Julie Andrews with her bowl haircut, and feisty but lovable attitude.  An iron has entered my soul today.  Its doubtful I will ever recover.  I will have to watch the entire movie for the 500th time at least 20 more times to clean my mind from this despicable discovery.  I will cry myself to sleep singing Eidelweiss tonight.  Not Lonely Goatheard though - too upbeat.

Chalks will be happy there's more piles of rocks to view

Instead, we may take a shorter journey to Slovakia, where I can perhaps indulge one of my more macabre fascinations.  I have always been interested in the story of Elizabeth Bathory, and upon hearing that her castle was a mere hour away from here, her tale has intrigued me all over again.  I would love a trip to the ruins of Cachtice Castle.  Let me tell you all about it.



Elizabeth Bathory was a Hungarian noble woman who was born in 1560.   She was married to an influential  military man - Count Nádasdy's in 1574.  But upon marrying 14 year old Elizabeth, the Count  took her name.  That says a lot.  She herself, was descended from a rich, powerful and noble Hungarian family, and owned countless property and titles in her own right.  Now this is where it gets interesting.

Erzsebet Báthory

Elizabeth is said to have been the most prolific woman serial killer of all time.  She has been accused of murdering more than 650 young women over a time period of 25 years.  Because the ruling classes had absolute power in those times, it is said that she could treat the peasant classes as she wished.  Well, as she wished was pretty dam insane if historical records are accurate.  There was cruel torture, eventual murder, and what earned her the name "The Blood Countess" was her reported tendency to bathe in the blood of her victims.
This blood bathing apparently started one day when she beat one of her servants and the blood splattered across her her hand.  According to legend, Elizabeth's skin appeared younger where the blood had been.  Thus, it was on for young and old.  The murders were plentiful and cruel.  Elizabeth sourced her victims from the local areas, enticing them to her castle with well paid work.  Some of the methods she apparently used to murder and torture peasant girls are recounted in gruesome detail.  And that shit is sick.  Long periods of constant torture and abuse, burnt genitals, iron hooks, needles, making victims cook and eat their own flesh (what the....?).  Sometimes young women were stripped and taken outside to the snow where they were doused in cold water until they died.  Others were hung upside down and bled so that showers of blood rained down upon Elizabeth.  She was also said to have flown at her helpless victims on occasion, and ripped their flesh with her teeth.  Heartwarming stuff.  She was obviously the motherly type.  Although, finally, it all came to an end.  She was eventually caught in 1610, and her punishment saw her completely boarded up in a room in her own castle (with a hand sized hole to shove food through).  She eventually died after four years.  Apparently the people of Cachtice don't like visitors snooping around the castle, and coming to the town of Cachtice to revel in it's gory chapter in history.  It's not exactly easy to get to either.

Did she, or didn't she?

There is however, another side to this more common, and reported version of Elizabeth's story.  This is not acknowledged by many sources, but I think it is extremely interesting.  Apparently, the King at the time was heavily indebted to Elizabeth - who was the richest most powerful woman around (and we all know how some men hate those strong women types).  It wasn't until Elizabeth's husband's death that these accusations were brought against Elizabeth.  All evidence was gained under the torture of her "accomplices" who were all put to death.  Elizabeth was not able to defend herself, and against her own wishes did not attend her own trial.  She was locked away, never to be heard from again.  There was also the issue of her religion.  She was a Protestant at a time, when the Catholics were trying to rid the lands of them.  Presumably the King didn't have to cough up the bucks he owed her once she was disposed of as well, so that was convenient for him.  Also, there is absolutely no record of any names of the 650 + young girls who met their supposed grisly fate at Elizabeth's hands.  Many of the later victims were also supposed to be daughters of the lesser nobility, sent to Elizabeth for elocution and etiquette  lessons.  It's strange that their names, at least, weren't mentioned in the historical records.
There are reports of the castle being haunted though.  Not by any of the young murdered girls however, but sightings of Elizabeth herself - hands outstretched.  Makes for fascinating speculation.  I feel another historical novel being ordered from Amazon.......

Anyway, if we visit the castle I'll be sure to let you know of my worldwide significant findings, and my evidence that shows that the Blood Countess was set up.

Kind of like gnocchi without the potato

Well I guess I better go and whip up some spätzle for the girl's dinner.  Then I can shove them off to bed and live my life in peace.  And watch Sound of Music (a.k.a The Great Lie).  After all that Blood Countess stuff I need a trip to the land of make believe.....these are few of my favourite things of late; (Please sing along to the correct tune)


My Favourite (Austrian) Things

Kids in pajamas all ready for bed
Hot bubble baths and a bottle of red
Books about Sissi and when Julie sings
These are few of my favourite things

Road trips to castles and sausage in bread
Intriguing tales of countesses now dead
Mass window shopping and gawking at bling
These are a few of my favourite things

When the kids scream
When they shit me
When I'm feeling mad
I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so sad*

*(emotionally sad that is, however, regarding pathetically sad - after actually publicly displaying my song writing skills, I now feel worse).

The only Maria