Ciao for Now

Cord goes all Vatican

Absolute power for 21 years and still can't crack a smile

Is there anybody who visits Italy that comes away not loving it?  I would find it hard to believe.  What's there not to love.  Apart from Mussolini I guess.  And even if there is something you dislike, never mention it to an Italian.  Even more so if it's anything about the food.  They will injure you.  I actually felt really miserable about leaving Italy on the day before we went. Who knows when we'll be back.  It's been such a good good time here for the last two months.

We had an intense drive from Venice to Rome, most of it in the dark accompanied by pelting rain and lightening.  We arrived at 1.30am.  Nasty.  We stayed at a hotel that was actually part of an Arab chain (whatever you do, don't mention Israel).  It was new and shiny, and lacked the typical ornate shabbiness many old school Italian hotels specialise in.  Our last couple of days were spent shopping for a new suitcase so we could deal with the issue of looking like a pack of gypsies.  I had open supermarket bags spilling dirty washing, sticker books and toys as part of our glamorous luggage set.  As we surveyed the grottiness of our possessions, which were sitting in the lobby in Florence a few nights before, we couldn't help but notice that every passerby had a look of disgust on their face upon glancing in our general direction.  Thank god nobody tripped over any of it.  I wouldn't have been able to take the embarrassment of helping someone pull my un-laundered "high pants" off the heel of their Gucci pumps.

God really is watching

See - a lot of effort went in here

And in addition to a little bit of last minute buying, we also made it to the Vatican City, where Chalky could defile his heritage so that I could soak up the Sistine Chapel.  We fucked it up though, and it closed just as realised that we took a wrong turn into St Peter's Basilica.  St Peters was a bit of alright though.  All in the name of the lord (should that be a capital "l"?).  Those religious types were so keen to impress weren't they?  Are any new churches being built these days, and if so, do they put that much effort into it?  I don't think church decor is what it used to be frankly.  Standards have slipped.  Inside the Basilica, Cordi started doing a sort of thrusting dance to the church music.  Not sure if that counts as disrespect.  It wasn't on the chart at the door that tells you what you aren't allowed to do, so she was probably in the clear.  To shift attention from the dancing (Valli had joined in with a spinning dance and kept falling over with a really loud "OHHHHH" which echoed), I showed the girls some nuns doing their prayer thing.  They started screeching "Where are the MUNS??"  "Why's that MUN wearing that white thing on it's head???". Forget I said anything you unsubtle little bastards.

Your average nun or monk always looks so out of place in the outside world.  You always think "I wonder what kind of church-ish thing they're up to".  But not in the Vatican.  Priests saunter round like they painted the Sistine Chapel themselves, while gangs of nuns seem like the cool kids on the block.  It's their world in there, and they are not afraid to act like it while the rest of us fumble round and get refused entry from the prayer zones.

Maybe the Pope had toilet paper stuck to his shoe during his address

I've never seen a priest look this relaxed

We had a final incredible meal on our last night in Rome.  Chalky had chosen a place very close to our hotel, but devoid of tourists.  Except for us.  We were getting death stares because we had our children out so late (and they were grubby, really grubby - they had black stuff on their faces that I hadn't noticed until we were in bright lights).  But worse than that, was my footwear.  I had just had a free pedicure at the hotel and didn't want to destroy it, so was wearing those thongs they give you.  I didn't know we were going somewhere special.  There were so many dirty looks in the direction of my feet.  Although appearing casual on entry, it was, however, an eating establishment where everyone was dressed like they were expecting the queen.  The girls kept needing to go to the toilet, so I had to do the walk of shame to the back of the restaurant several times.  The man sitting behind us actually looked down at my twinkle toes and made an "euuuugggghhhhh" face.  All I can say is thank goodness I removed those bits of tissue they put between your toes.  I nearly wasn't going to. Though at least the tissue would have explained the thongs I guess.  Instead of just thinking I was lacking in style and self respect.   Great meal though.  Of course.  At least now we've left I can get on with trying not to split the seams on my wedding dress.  Italy is not the place to try and exert will power when it comes to the food.  You will fail spectacularly.

I got you to the airport- what's your problem?

Our taxi ride to the airport was appallingly terrifying.  I was so glad I'd been to the Vatican right before the day of my anticipated demise.  There could have been some leniency there.  The driver was driving as fast as he possibly could in thick traffic.  He was swerving in and out of cars at such a high speed, that it would have taken one tiny unanticipated lane change from a fellow driver, to see us compacted into a small cube of metal.  I couldn't watch.  I didn't want to see my last moment coming and be unable to do anything about it.  All the while he was doing this crazy driving shit, he was coughing his guts up.  I mean he was really working the gorby extraction hard.  In between gorbies, he was also giving Chalky (who was sitting in the front) a detailed explanation of some of the buildings on the outskirts of the city.  I spent my time mentally willing him to put both of his hands back on the wheel, and both eyes on the road.  I've never been more relieved to arrive at a destination.

Upon arriving in Vienna, I said goodbye to my sweetheart.  He had to go and keep the show running at a business conference in Budapest.  Right now he is shacked up with a bunch of computer nerds talking hardware.  I wonder if they do activities at this conference.  At one such event he went to, in Denmark, they all had to break into groups, and row long boats around a moat while wearing Viking horns.  They also had to fight each other with clubs (encased in fabric so the nerds wouldn't cry for their mummies....not you Chalky and Simon).  Then they had a feast at a long table afterwards.  I think mead and goat was on the menu.  I've been to Budapest once.  Just for a night.  We went out to dinner with a friend and his Hungarian girlfriend and told them we wanted to try the local cuisine.  It was suggested that I order a turkey leg stuffed with chestnuts and smothered in cherry sauce.  It was quite possibly the worst thing I have ever put in my mouth.  I actually feel sick when I recall the flavour.  Basically if you're going for the food, I'd suggest McDonald's.

Out of my way knobs....

But anyway, here I am in Austria on my little old lonesome for four whole nights.  As the rat pack went nutty on the plane, all I could do was whimper to Chalky "Please don't leave me with them".  He laughed.  I wasn't joking.  He left me with them anyway.

My very first impressions of Vienna  =  extremely clean and orderly at the airport; hideous scenery from airport to city.  The worst collections of smoke spewing factories I have ever accounted.  There were so many of them.  What the hell does Austria manufacture anyhow?  They can't all be making sausages.  Upon getting into the city, the building are pretty and the streets are clean.  The driving is normal - ie. I no longer feel as though I'm going to die and/or kill someone.  The taxi couldn't make it to the door of the hotel as it was across a huge central plaza - pedestrians only.  I was in shock.  I had the majority of the luggage and there was no chance in hell I would be able to move even half of it alone.  I had to abandon children and all worldly possessions, and make a sprint for the doorman at the hotel's door.  I was praying the driver didn't have connections in a child smuggling ring (again counting on my Vatican trip here for help).   There was nobody there.  When I got back to the taxi,  the dude had already unloaded all my stuff onto the pavement - complete with both children still strapped into car seats,  Valli was asleep, Cordi was howling.  I had to convince the driver to help me to the hotel (with ten euros of bribery), and then wake Valli up for the walk.  Now she was howling too.  Between the two of us we carried/wheeled 2 large suitcases, 2 small suitcases, two car seats, two sobbing three year olds, a handbag and a large kids accessories bag, for 100 metres through crowds of people.  Not great.  As we got to the door, the doorman walked passed and simply said "Reception is on 6th floor".  WHAT??  FUCK!!!  So I said to the doorman "Aren't you going to help me with the bags?" .  He ignored me.  The taxi driver had dumped and split, so I had to try and get everything into the lift and up to the 6 floor, and then unload it all by myself.  Valli and Cordi were now screaming their heads off.  I was sweating with fury.  I really let them have it at the front desk.  It was actually an enjoyable rush.  Thank god I don't have any real form of power, I would abuse it so badly.

The Austrians do cake very very well

Anyway, there was a lot of sucking up, sending of champagne,  bowls of strawberries with chocolate pots for dipping, and plates of cakes to the room.  The kids went mental with joy.  I was unmoved.  As I said before - I'm trying to undo two months of food related damage from Italy, and not usually into sitting in the dark by myself drinking cheap champagne after the girls have gone to bed.

This morning I asked to see the manager about a couple more of my "grievances" - namely the dreaded drilling noise pounding into the walls for an hour the night before, and being given a voucher for afternoon tea in a crowded bar filled with people smoking (would have loved it when I was 20, but these days I just can't bring myself to let the girls eat sandwiches through a haze of tobacco).  When we came home today, there was more cakes and nuts and chocolates with sucking up notes stuck to them.  But fuck that.  I am going all the way.  I asked for a free room upgrade this morning and while I was told it was not possible and have been given a free dinner in the restaurant, I will not rest until that upgrade is mine.  I'll also take the dinner too thank you very much.  See, I told you the power has gone to my head.   I am on a relentless mission for freebies and special treatment.  Chalky has trained me well.

I, however , will take it much further.  The evil queen will bend her subjects to her unusually heartless desires, and will not rest until supreme power had been achieved, and nobody dares to stand against her.  That will only be the start of my campaign of terror.  All people shall fear and love me, or feel my wrath as I lay vengeance upon this once prosperous land and crush all those in my way with unspeakable acts of violence and bloodshed.  My name shall be on the lips of those who die at my hand, and in the hearts of those who I allow to live in order to spread my glorious name...........Or, they could give me a room upgrade.  It's up to them..........

My bestest bitch face ever