Start Spreading The News

Smoking SUV on right

Just the other day I noticed a small article in the paper reporting on how the four men accused of assisting in the failed bombing attempt in Times Square on May 1st 2010 were recently acquitted by a court in Pakistan.  The only man convicted in this balls up, 33 year old Faisal Shahzad, was hauled off a plane bound for Pakistan only hours after the bombing attempt.  I guess if he'd made it, he would have got off too.  Unfortunately for him, he's doomed to spend the rest of his life hanging upside down in an orange jumpsuit having water poured up his nose.

Old Faishal Shahzad needs to work on his bomb making technique

The reason this minute article caught my attention is because I was living half a block away from Times Square at the time.  Everyday I would load my nine month old babies into their stroller and take a city walk, starting off by pushing my way through the crowds in Times Square.  More than once, I would look around at the ridiculous crowds of tourists, the flashing lights - advertising every variety of American excess, the broke teenagers hawking tickets to shows, the cops eating donuts and think to myself that there couldn't be a more appropriate place (if mass maiming is your intention) to set off a a bomb.

And thus it was so.  The only reason I wasn't out strolling at the time the SUV started smoking, is because I was vomiting up the remains of the sushi I'd bought for the babysitter who was 90 minutes late the night before.  I thought we'd missed our dinner reservation, so that California roll was starting to look appetising.  Unfortunately I failed to realise it was actually from California, delivered slow post.  I started puking during dinner in the only toilet they had (for men and women) in the restaurant.  That was embarrassing. I will never be able to drink a cucumber martini again (and why would anyone - what a dud choice).  That shit is the worst in it's regurgitated form too.  I will probably never be able to eat at that restaurant again either, which is disappointing as it was my total favourite in the whole of New York.

So anyway at the time the whole debacle started, I was oblivious and heaving into my own toilet bowl.  The entire block was shut down until the bomb squad moved in, broke the window with a robotic arm and dismantled the device.  I was all freaked out later, thinking that it could have brought the block down if it detonated, but I don't think it was  actually very powerful.  Besides, old Mr Fuck Shit Up or whatever his name was, failed to get it cranking anyway.   You just wouldn't have wanted to be walking past if it had blown.  The cops didn't notice either (I told you they were too busy with the whole donuts and all - it's not a myth I saw them stuffing their faces with fried sugary goodness with my own eyes), the alert was given by a t-shirt vendor.

I've had a few narrow scrapes in New York.  That very same trip upon arriving at the airport at 1am, we'd had to take two taxis into the city.  I was in one cab with a friend and my daughters, and Chalky in the other with all the luggage.  Both taxi drivers looked a little dodgy.  But one of them had one eye.  Naturally I was like - Yep, I'm going with the guy who has two eyes, thinking it was a valuable attribute when driving for a living.  Well, I placed all my money on the wrong horse.  While powering down the freeway with an unrestrained child on each of our knees, suddenly the taxi started swerving all over the road.  As I saw pieces of the back right tyre fly past the window I realised what the issue was.  Unfortunately on the freeway into the city there is no pull over lane and we were forced to keep swerving all over the show.  Thank goodness it was 1am and there weren't many cars on the road.  As the sparks started flying, an exit lane presented itself.  And there we were, in a car with three wheels in a dark street somewhere in Queens with a psychotic taxi driver trying to get money from us, and refusing to call another cab.

Luckily for us Chalks showed up.  Apparently he'd told his taxi to "Follow that car" (I've always wanted to say that - in New York too!), and he'd seen the fireworks emanating from the back hub cap, the swerving, and finally, the pull off into the dodgiest part of Queens.  I'd honestly thought he was ahead of us, so the relief was intoxicating.  A cab was called, ten bucks exchanged hands, and we were back on the road fifteen minutes later - with a non weirdo this time.  My advice here.  When in doubt choose a guy with one eye over a person who has a plait in their beard and hasn't washed their hair since '89.

Then, there was the first time I went to New York on my own, and decided to go and see a movie.  I love going to the movies by myself.  As I exited the revolving doors I found that I couldn't get out due to the crowds.  Then people started pushing me from behind.  At last I exited, just as a cop on a horse did a Lone Ranger move (horse neighing up on two back legs) right in front of my face.  There were also a whole row of police dressed in riot gear holding barricades, and swarms of people all over the road blocking all the cars. I started trying to push down the street against a surging crowd of people.  Suddenly, looking around I realised I was the only white face in sea of very angry, yelling black people.  Mainly men.  It was confronting, what can I say.  I kept pushing against the crowd as more and more people swarmed out of a nearby subway station exit.  Finally, after about twenty minutes I made it to an intersection where the crowds were less.  I overheard a policeman yelling at two bewildered tourists "You can't be here, get out of here, go back to your hotel".  I also took his advice.  The taxi ride back to my hotel was long.  I later found out that police had shot a black man on his wedding day, thinking he was brandishing a gun, when all he was doing was waving out the window.  It didn't go down well among New York City's African American residents.

There's no doubt.  There's always something going on in this fascinating city of contrasts.  When you are there, you can't help but feel that you really are in the capital city of the world.  Cliches abound, such as "electric atmosphere" and "buzzing with energy".  There's always so much to do there, and adventures and interesting interactions present themselves on every block.  If you have never been, do yourself a favour and put it on your 'to do' list.  Just choose your taxi drivers wisely, avoid riots and if you see any Nissan pathfinders with smoke pissing out of their tinted windows, call a t-shirt vendor.