3 years old today

It's hard to believe that three years ago today I pushed two humans out of my nether regions.  If you'd told me that I'd be participating in this kind of activity five years ago, I would have been like "No way is that kind of shit going to happen, that is all kinds of wrong".  And wrong it was.  To all those people out there that want to express to me what a magical birthing experience they had.  I say to you;  "Piss off you psycho, and never tell me that bullshit again".  There is nothing natural about childbirth.  I don't care if you pushed out your child in a rolling pasture surrounded by a pack of baby deer, and the baby actually popped out on a pile of healthy greens like kale and beetroot leaves.  So what?  - natural it aint.

My own little lambs, bless their evil black newborn hearts, actually started head butting each other trying to beat the other one out for first place. That was uncool.  Can you believe that though?  Actually fighting before they even entered the world.  I felt their very first in utero brawl as well.  They were about 6 months old in fetus years.  Valli tried to infiltrate Cordi's side, and as a result of this hustling, copped a series of swift kicks to the head. It could have been worse.  My brother's twin friends had a much larger incident.  The first one out kicked the follower so hard that he punctured his lung.  How's that for brotherly love?

Birthday beach picnic

Anyway, I was so glad to get mine out that I failed to anticipate the shit storm of hell that was to follow.  I tried to sip a celebratory glass of expensive champagne a couple of hours post birth, and failed.  I felt ill.  How on earth was I ever going to get that image of the blood bath I witnessed out of my head?  A word to expecting new mothers - never  glance back at the delivery room as you are being wheel-chaired out.  But at least I didn't go through my biggest fear, which came courtesy of Mrs Bedding and her biology movie from year nine.  That is, at least my fanny didn't split with the accompanying sound of a whip cracking. I'm not sure what traumatised me more - a close up of a vagina tearing around a protruding baby's head, or the forest of pubes that the woman had going on.  I just never knew they got so thick......or expansive. How can pubes reach the knees?  I'm serious, I want to know....

I think they're surprised

Ah, sweet memories

I guess most mother's reminisce about the sweet baby times on the anniversary of their children's birth.  Not me.  I get down on my knees and thank whoever is listening that I no longer have to clean up bodily excretions, and that I don't leak milk all over my favourite shirts.  But most of all, I am thankful that I can put my head down on the pillow at night with the knowledge that I will be awoken by the soft rustling breeze on my cheek mid morning.  Not wailing.  When you've been sleep deprived for a really long time, there is nothing in this world that is better or more satisfying than snoozing all the night through.  Nothing.  A friend told me recently that she hadn't had an uninterrupted sleep for ten years.  That made me feel sick.  Though, for not sleeping in ten years she looked really hot.

The reason that I'm thinking so much about babies and birth (besides the fact that it is the girl's birthday), is because 3 little babies were born on Valli and Cordi's birthday.  They are the second cousins of my daughters.  No, they weren't all born to the same mother (imagine that!).  A sweet little set of twins (one boy and one girl) was born to one of my partner's nieces, and a little boy was born to another one of my partner's nieces, 45 minutes after the twins.  Congratulations Sunny and Nooshi!  How lovely that they will all grow up together sharing a birthday.  Though it's the thought of the shared 18th and 21st birthday party that concerns.......

Jump Birthday Girl

This birthday was about as low key as you can get.  As much as I condone, and have enabled (twice), a dozen mini humans to get completely off their heads on sugar and run rampant at my father's treasured beach house, it was nice to play it casual.  I didn't have to do any of the detailed planning that goes into executing a fight free pass-the-parcel; I didn't give my guest's children third degree burns to the mouth after passing out an over heated batch of party pies;  I also didn't accidentally give out choking hazard prizes to the younger members of the group; I didn't have to wrestle any eager participants who started their own treasure hunt earlier, and ransacked all the caramello koalas; and I didn't have to pay a small fortune for helium balloons that got released into the lower stratosphere as I was loading them into the back of the car.  In other words, it was not so much fun, but definitely more relaxing.

What's another pile of sugar between friends....

I still stepped up to the mark on the cake though.  However, I don't think the eaters got nearly the same amount of pleasure out of eating it, than I had making it.  Can you believe I actually popped out one of the lenses of my sunglasses to create the perfect mold for my cakey cat's pirate eye patch.  What can I say, I wanted it to be purr-fect........Happy Birthday my little three year old darlings - I love you so much xx

It's Kwazi from the Octonaughts OK...