Migrating South For Winter

Double Rainbow - you just dont see a lot of rainbows here - mainly because you don't see a lot of rain I guess.

I love this time of year in Tel Aviv.  It gets crispy in the morning, the weather during the day is always a surprise (instead of the predictable "not a cloud in the sky" everyday for 6 months - pooooor me!), and the sunsets over the ocean are magical.  Our apartment is amazing for weather watching as well, and the change in the seasons has been dramatic.  Last week I was wearing shorts, this week I am in a scarf and jumper.  Apparently it's going to be in the mid 20s again next week.  One week of winter.  Is that it???  That's the thing here - don't even think about investing in a winter jacket - just buy one from Zara, keep the tags on and return it after a couple of days.  Same goes for scarves and hats.  You can get round in a beanie if you want, but it's pretty unnecessary and I would only do it if I was having a really bad hair day or about to partake in a touch of petty theft.  The trouble is that you pretty much have to keep on top of your leg hairs for pretty much all of the year.  Fuck letting those babies run wild and seeing how long you can actually go before waxing from sheer self disgust  - same for the feet - those toenails see the light of day more often than a set of solar panels on the equator.

I never get sick of this

Tornado!!!! Ok - waterspout - as seen from our balcony

Keep up lads, keep up

But by far, my most favourite thing at this time of year is watching the black ribbons of birds flying south to warmer destinations for the winter.  They don't stay south long actually - I remember last year they were back after a month or two.  I was thinking to myself - What? All that effort just for a few crummy weeks?  Just bulk up on an extra layer of feathers or something birdies, save yourselves the effort.  All that flying in formation must get exhausting.  It sure is great to watch though.  You see them for miles and miles - but how do they know what to do?  And how do they decide what group to fly in?  It's like the organisational genius of the bird world has all of his mates listed and then divides his little feathery friends into groups "Blackie, you're flying out with Group C at 9am Wednesday morning, Fluffy, you'll be flying in the afternoon group on Thursday at 4pm - don't be late - you're team leader - OK?  Right boys, see you in South Africa in a month".  I just tried to research further into this topic and came across information relating to the bird's testes shrinking and growing to 100 times their normal size.  I had to back away, its all too much at 1am.

So like our little flying chums, we too are heading south for winter.  Seriously I cannot wait.  So excited am I, that I packed a week ago.  It is now less than 2 weeks until departure date.  I must admit with everything packed, things are getting slightly on the awkward side when I need something, and all my clothes are especially wrinkly.  But I care not.  I am pumped.  So excited am I, to be pissing off from Israel, that I am finding, more than ever, the things I once loved here (or tolerated with a bemused smile and a playful shrug of the shoulders) are really starting to piss me off.  And the things that always shitted me are shitting me more.  Every time I venture out in the car, it is like narrowly avoiding death at every instant.  I just want to drive somewhere without being 120% hyper aware of everything in my immediate vicinity.  I swear I am not exaggerating when I say that I have 6 near misses on each drive to the girls' school.  I have to swerve to avoid people on the wrong side of the road, cars pulling out without looking, people walking right out in front of me, idiots riding bicycles up the wrong side of the road with a kid on the handlebars.  And if I am not nearly killing people who throw themselves in front of my moving vehicle, or avoiding being killed by the maniacs surrounding me, then there is a true danger that I will kill someone purely from anger.

My "Totally Over It" face

I've been publicly brawling with a lot of randoms lately.  Including my mortal enemy - the bitch in the nearby service station.  I have actually yelled "Fuck You" at her before.  When is the last time you have ever yelled "Fuck You" in someone's face?  In a car doesn't count - you say all kinds of things behind the wheel that you would never dream of screaming in people's faces.  It's satisfying, yet gutless.  But to actually have an out and out brawl with someone to their face is a different thing.  I had one with a taxi driver as well - but as Vali and Cordi were in the cab as well, so I had to restrain myself.  Instead of "Suck My Dick Arsewipe"  I instead went for a bit of "Well you are a very rude man, and I do NOT appreciate you speaking to me like that".  I am truly my mother.  I remember how humiliated I was when my mother used to cut sick in public.  I used to wish I was dead - well at least invisible - death seems a little drastic considering.

But it's difficult for us "normal" people to imagine the kind of anger and hatred that would compel a person (or two) to enter a place where elderly people are praying to God and proceed to hack them up with knives, axes and shoot them to death as well.  Because that is what happened in Jerusalem - a city 60 km from where I live, last Tuesday morning at 7am.  Basically a massacre of old men reading the Bible.   I know it was all over the international news, but everyone's just like "It's bad - but it's in Israel so what do you expect?"  or  "Oh those crazy fundamentalists - if they just Free Palestine then they won't get hacked to death with axes at 6.30 on a Tuesday morning".  Meanwhile the Gazans are dancing a jig in the streets, eating candies and screaming "Woooohooooo - Four old men got hacked to death by a couple of pissed off 20 year olds - God is GREAT".  Don't you all think that is really weird? - and possibly more disturbing that the actual crime?    Over the last month there have been a large amount of cars ploughing into people and killing them (including a 3 month old baby), people being knifed at train stations and in public spaces - in Tel Aviv as well as Jerusalem.  It makes you feel a bit freaked out when out and about - particularly in areas where there are large amounts of soldiers (as we were yesterday).  And by soldiers, I don't mean battle hardy, shaved head muscular dudes with facial scars, I mean 18 year old girls and boys completing their 3 years of compulsory service.  They're babies.  Can you imagine if the security of Australia rested in the hands of the entire population of 18 year old Aussies?  God help us all - unless we needed some kegs cracked - then we'd be fine.

Yeah - maybe not Jules

At the same time as people are being meat cleavered to death, Australia is going nuts about some dickhead who makes unsavoury jokes and delivers sexist lectures to sad cases about how to pick up women.  I'm talking about Julian Blanc here - an American who got his visa revoked because big groups of chicks (and some guys) got majorly fucked off with him.  There is no doubt - the man is a wanker - but if you can get kicked out of Australia for being a wanker then I would suggest there is a sizable list to be deported, beginning with the idiot who is actually running the country at the moment.  Listen, I was in full support of all his stupid seminars being canned - but at the same time I was kind of amused in a few ways.  Let's just put it out there - all men are trying to have sex as much as possible.  It's not exactly their fault - it's how it is, and any guys who say they're not are LYING.  All the sensitive new age dudes are just going that path so they can get more sex from women who are appreciative (in a sexy way) of their "caring".  If some tragic cases are having issues getting sex, then it's only natural that they may be interested in learning how to get more (or at least some) action with hot chicks from a guy who claims he's got a foolproof method .  Even the dudes that were protesting against Julian Blanc were just trying to get a root from some of the feminists.  Feminists are hot too you know, not just the chokeable chicks with low self esteem issues (Too much?).

I know he was inappropriate and disgusting, but can't people sometimes have a sense of humour about the whole thing?  Besides isn't it good to always question your most ardent beliefs in what is right and wrong.  As Mark Twain says - "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect".  One of his focus points was "How to Destroy her Bitch Shield". Look, I'm interested (and I'm sure my poor husband would currently fork over some major cash for this quality info).  I know a lot of bitches, like the girl who serves me my latte in the mornings - love to break down that cranky exterior and get some love (not physical).  I could possibly even try this with the Service Station woman, and god knows she could be thinking the same about me, after all,  I was the one who gave her the finger and screamed in her face.  Plus, Julian's line - "If you pull out and cum on a picture of your girlfriend's face it's not cheating", made sense to me.  Girls - we can apply the same logic  - just orgasm while looking at a picture of your boyfriend and you're good to go.   Is that so bad?  - Alright, so some of the other shit ranged from undeniably offensive and stupid - plus I'm sure Japanese girls are pretty fucked off about being generalised as the kind of people you can grab and shove in your crutch - but to be honest, you can.  A western male - no matter how much of a loser - is the king in Japan, and I have discussed this in resentful detail before in a previous post - http://twintravelling.blogspot.co.il/2012/03/zero-to-hero.html .  Some of his other tweets were pretty disgusting - something about cum being 1000 calories a mouthful - I was like "Oh no!  That's TERRIBLE" .........  I had thought it was low fat protein..... (sorry that was bad, really revolting).  But it's not like the guy is responsible for all the dickheads that abuse their partners.  There is something mentally wrong with those people.  Julian just tried out his pathetic lines at a most inappropriate time.  He has, as a result become the poster boy for male misogamy and the most hated man in the world.  Whoops.  He just has to take the fall-out and the company he works for can really go places now.  But bear with me here while I bring up a couple of points that I have been thinking about for the last couple of weeks.

I can hardly look at him now.  Same with Rolf H (but I always hated him)

While all this Julian Blanc hatred is going on, Bill Cosby - a man actually accused of drugging and raping 19 women gets a standing ovation at some show a day or two ago.  Bloody hell.  By the way, Bill how could you?  I would suggest his punishment should be being buried alive in a giant pile of those hideous sweaters he used to get round in.  And with all of this shiz going down, I have also noticed that women all over the world are going nuts over the trailer for Fifty Shades Of Grey.  From my understanding, this is a movie (and of course, book) where a young naive virgin is sexually exploited by a dominating, cruel male who uses violence (for his own pleasure) to initially seduce her and then keep her in a relationship.  Am I wrong?  Tell me if I am, because to be honest I haven't exactly read the book - I leafed through one page of it in a bookstore in London while I was waiting for a wedding dress shop to open - and laughed out loud at the woeful written style and some of the pathetic and immature dialogue.  I swore then never to read it, no matter how popular it became.  And I am not saying that you all shouldn't enjoy badly expressed porn.  We all entitled to have free choice in whatever we enjoy - whether it's looking at pictures of Kim K's bum and wondering how, for the love of god, she got it that big...?  or debating the the main principles of quantum physics (God, I'd love someone to explain that simply to me one day), and also to express our opinions on what we find acceptable (4 hotdogs in a row when pissed) and offensive (Promite, or maggots - maggot infested Promite!!! Euuuggghhhhh).  I am just suggesting that maybe, just maybe it is a little extra confusing for socially inept dudes at the moment - My guess is that these would be the dudes who were eating up whatever pearls of wisdom total pathetic crap that came out of Julian Blanc's mouth.  It's not an easy life when all you want to do is get some action.  Prostitutes just don't cut it - you can tell they're never really enjoying themselves.

Other stories in the Australian media, that were top news stories at the time that majorly pissed off randoms were going on stab fests nearby my place, were  "Woman Sunbaking In A Bikini Gets Photographed by Real Estate Agent's Drone" (high brow stuff obviously).  "How I lost 20 kg" (obviously a diet of spoof was off the menu - yes, I realise again that is totally repulsive and I want to be sorry, I really do), and "Jacqui Lamby To Get A Makeover"(about time).  This kind of breaking news makes me very nostalgic for the homelands of Oz.  And I really do appreciate that scores of people aren't chanting for our destruction as a nation (even though the government is trying to convince people otherwise).

Let it goooooooooo.

So it's officially been a year - more or less - since I have been living here.  That kind of milestone is cause for reflection.  A lot has happened, and I must say I have enjoyed even more than I thought I would, despite wars and mayhem, and nobody holding a door open for me for a whole 12 months.  I'm a tiny bit concerned though, about how shit, not only my Hebrew is, but also my daughters' after an entire year.  I, at least have an excuse (total thickie) - but I was really hoping Vali and Cordi were going to be geniuses.  There's only so far an thorough knowledge of "Frozen" will get you in life.  While it may be cute now to know all the words to "Do You Want To Build A Snowman" at the age of five,  as a 20 old job seeker, nobody is going to buy that as a talent or skill.  I have just employed my new strategy to get their Hebrew on track -  The television!!! - Dora The Explorer or should I say"Dora HaKhokheret".  Why didn't I think of it before?  Listen, if it worked for Darrell Hannah in Splash then for sure it will work for my girls.  Seriously, she did so well to go from just being able to make Mermaid-like squeaks to being able to eloquently express that she wanted to go to Bloomingdales on a shopping spree after just one afternoon of watching daytime soaps.  Strange she didn't pick up from Days of Our Life that people generally wore clothes, even when going clothes shopping.

The question is - how does a mermaid end up with "Madison" as a name?

So it's been a year of living in the bubble (Tel Aviv) inside a bubble (Glass roof top apartment).  When you are not poor, Israel is for the taking.  You can have a bloody good life here when you aren't cleaning the streets or being oppressed.  Sometimes I feel like an absolute bastard for being so privileged. But what am I going to do, take a a job in waste disposal or run away with a Palestinian or something?  I can feel guilty as long as I like, I'm still going to sit round and drink lattes all morning.

Ouuuucch and Euuuugghh

So, I sure am looking forward to being in Byron Bay in a couple of weeks - we are staying in total nature and it is going to be wild.  Well, at least silent.  Ah silence, how I miss you.  Plus my lungs will probably implode from not getting their daily dose of pollution.  They are probably only being held together by solidified smog.  Recently I saw pictures of my friend's family cuddling a koala that they came across somewhere in the vicinity of where we'll be very soon.  It was by far the cutest thing I have ever seen - far far cuter than my twins dressed up in angel wings on their first Christmas.  It's unlikely that I will stumble across one by fluke, so I will just have to trap one, or snatch one away from it's mother and take 2000 selfies to make the experience last.  Hopefully it will work out better than my last koala cuddle at Currumbin.  The giant thing clawed my tits, and my hands had no choice but to rest on dreadlocks of koala shit for 15 minutes.  Vali and Cordi hated the whole thing as well, and I only did it for them.  Me and Mum look like we're loving it, but our eyes are saying "Just take the FUCKING picture".  It's never the same when it's a set up - I want a baby koala for Christmas  and I want it NOW. Ok - maybe in 2 weeks - you'd be hard pressed to find one here.

Maybe not if I was in Japan - they had lots of illegal pets at some of the pet stores.  Once I spotted a baby wallaby in a cage - I tried to take a picture of it, and was nearly impaled with a chopstick by the owner.   I also came across a couple of meerkats and an albino fox.  Squirrels were also popular, although I suspect they could have been rats with prop tails - the little pricks looked suspicious and seemed to be showing a committed preference for Parmesan, when there was a whole bowl of macadamias on standby.

Rat or Squirrel? It's a tough call.....(they could be hair extensions on the tail)

Well, I better go and retrieve some clothes and my toothpaste from my suitcase - it may be annoying to have to zip and unzip it daily, but I care not.  Just hoping I can de-Israel myself in the remaining 10 days before I have to face people I know.  Forget the poor suckers dying all around me -  what is far more concerning about life here is that I wore leggings as pants the other day, and also an over sized leopard print jumper that could be regarded as a dress (a touch is acceptable, but head to toe = NO - I'm skating close to the edge).  The next thing I know, I'm going to be lying out in the sun, lathered in coconut oil all summer long, and getting vast amounts of collagen injected in my lips.  And after I go to those extremes, its all down hill from there - I'm on the fast track to the 60 year old slut look.  Alternatively, just get me out of this country.......