Halloween is for Suckers

Ahhhhhhhh

The thing is, I just don't think I buy all this Halloween crap.  Sure, in America - go all out fuckers, we know you love it.  But us Australians??? Since when the hell did we give a shit about Halloween?? Honestly.  Who here remembers dressing up as a ghost and walking around the neighbourhood asking for lollies?  I certainly remember walking straight up to random neighbour's front doors (these are people I'd never met by the way) and flat out asking them for either lollies or money to buy them.  But this was any given day of the week, and without a witches hat in sight.  I've got to give myself kudos here - as a kid I had balls.  Me and the other delinquent members of my neighbourhood gang developed more elaborate strategies for our lolly acquisition over the years.  We would spend hours rehearsing horrible performances to the Annie Soundtrack or the Smurf Hits Medley (notably our number one break out number - You're a Pink Toothbrush).  There were costumes, dance moves, god awful singing along with the tinny sound effect from the portable cassette player.  It must have been absolutely atrocious.  In fact I'm sure a number of people gave us sweets just to get up to piss off and leave them alone at 8am on a Sunday morning.  There were some that never ever opened their door.  We preferred to think that nobody lived there rather than the possibility that they knew we were banging on their door like mini psychos, and were not, in any way, going to open up for a rousting version of "Tomorrow" before they even got out of their pyjamas.  We also did the  Christmas Carol neighbourhood trip - a whole gang of us scrounging for lollies.  Christmas was a good time for it - people generally had piles of mini Mars Bars and that kind of stuff at the ready.  Plus who doesn't love a six year old singing "O Little Town of Bethlehem"?  (That would be my little sister by the way, I would force my younger siblings into singing slavery and keep a large share of their loot as their manager).

I was a dedicated little sugar addict.  Still am.  Therefore, I guess it is with a large deal of envy and greed that I slam all the little Aussie lolly lovers and their total windfall on Halloween.  It's so unfair.  I feel like my childhood was seriously deprived every time I spot someone I know's kid in a pair of monster teeth posing for Facebook with a fist full of lollies. Greedy little bastards - give me some.  I'm fighting not to refer to it as "candy" here as well, which is also disturbing me.  It's lollies, it's fucking lollies ok.

There are a fair few Americans in Israel, so in turn we get a slight dose of the Halloweens here as well. You Israelis just have to have it all don't you - Purim, Valentine's Day, Hanukkah, Passover - and now Halloween.  Next you'll be getting on board with a bit of Hobart Regatta Day or something - you can't have it all alright????

But this year I was into it myself.  Through our connections with the American School we had invites to the hottest Halloween shindig in town.  Seeing as it costs an absolute fortune to send your kid there (and is mainly full of diplomats kids from all over the world) I was expecting big big things.  I had originally planned to send the kids along in their Snow White/Rapunzel outfits.  They looked me with the pity and disgust you would expect from a couple of 13 year olds, and replied "No way.  We have to go as something scary".  Fine then - who's a stupid idiot?  "How about Rapunzel with my red lipstick on your face like blood???"  Actual eye rolling here.    I think it's tradition to make your own costumes, however I have the creativity of a twig, so I came up with the brilliant idea of getting someone to facepaint Vali and Cordi.  When I found out that the parents get into it too, I was secretly pleased.  I have been itching to go all Dia de los Muertos (Mexican "Day of the Dead") for quite some time, but had been wondering how to incorporate it into my every day life.

We're shit hot and we know it

Little Monster

I'm sure that many people thought I myself was responsible for such artistic abilities, and for the love of God I wish I could claim it as my own.  However, it was all due to a very talented woman called Stacey Soroka, who came to my house and did it for us.  Believe me, if I had had responsibility for the job it would have been a complete dog's breakfast - I kid you not. She did amazingly, and she took pictures for us, and she helped me wrestle in our day bed when it nearly blew off the balcony, and she didn't mind when I full frontal flashed her while trying to get the day bed under control myself.  The weather has been all kinds of crazy here lately.  I would called our weather pattern of late -schizophrenic (no offence to all you nutcase loony tunes out there).  There has been lightening and thunder, window shattering winds, double rainbows, tornadoes (really waterspouts - but the one I saw the other day was a beauty), and driving driving rain.  The drive out to the Halloween event was a bloody nightmare.  It was basically a flash flood on the highway - and there's me in my tiny Fiat 500 (love this car by the way), unable to see jack, wavering in and out of the lanes in lakes of water, fully covered in terrifying facepaint with 2 mini ghouls freaking out in the back.  Meanwhile my husband is in Dublin (another business conference) dancing in the streets to the Irish fiddle with some guy dressed up as the killer from Scream (he sent me a video on whatsap).

The Egyptians 

This year (amazingly the rain held off),  they held the event inside the school grounds.  I was not impressed.  Last year they closed off the streets in the fanciest area in Israel, opened up all the millionaires mansions and kids galore went round to all the houses getting their sugar fix on.  Not this year - security is as tight as my entire range of jeans (devastated here - bloody candy lollies).  So it was encased safely in the school - a place more protected than the army headquarters - and instead of visiting houses, all the kids went along a line of cars who all had their boots open (and decorated), and got their candy - fuck it! lollies - this way.  L A M E.  What did my kids know though?  To them having strangers shove handfuls of sweety treaties in their bags was probably the greatest experience of their lives.  They couldn't believe it.  And most of those "Trunk or Treaters"  were pretty nice.  I would like however, to single out one absolute bitch.  A hideous woman with a horrible grey bowl haircut and a cowboy shirt.  I am unsure if she was trying to be a cowboy - if so, shit costume love - or whether this was just her normal look - if so, shit look love.  She took one look at my 2 adorable 5 year olds, all dressed up and  holding out their candy (.....I give up....) bags cutely saying in unison "Trick or Trick" and responded "If they're not wearing a wristband they are not getting candy".  A wristband?  What wristband?  We had the regulation bags - I knew nothing about the wristband.  She wouldn't give them a single one.  I was on the edge of going nut job at her, but was shoved aside by all the little buggers who did have their wristband and were getting their greasies on all the mini kit kats.  The girls were gutted.  And she was the only one out of 50 people who didn't cough up the goods.  Bitch is on my shit list.

This guy seems a bit resistant to Vali getting any more candies

Fear not girls - the witch and the some-kind-of-insect love you

The (usually) beautiful Ori

Inside the grounds were all kinds of activities - eyeball toss, pumpkin throw, ghost bowling.  Sounds good??  It wasn't.  Neither was the magic show - and the haunted house??? Well let's just say I was unmoved.  Cordi and Vali were pretty pleased with themselves that they made it through - and I must say it's a good thing that I went in too because Cordi lost it a bit when she was rushed by some dude in a Frankenstein suit.  I'm not surprised - I kind of hate that thing myself.  I don't know if anyone has ever visited Madame Tussuad's in London and been into the dungeon section downstairs.  Now that is some scary shit.  Really terrifying, and not just full of wax statues of serial killers.  There are also actors down there paid to frighten the crap out of people.  One of my brother's friends had a job doing it for a while - he actually said he got punched out by some guy once.  I'm not surprised - I wanted to take that option myself when I went through.  I was at the back of our group with no boyfriend to put his arm around me like all the other girls.  This meant that I constantly had freaky dressed up scary people sneaking up behind me and screaming in my face or doing the licky motion in my ear (Hannibal Lector Style).  It was awful, but I knew not to show fear.  My sister in law said that she lost it and couldn't handle it and was pressed up in a corner wailing.  One of the scarers spotted her and shouted "We've got a CRIER". Then all of them descended on her with the demented laughing, the licky licky tongue and the screaming in her ear.  I surprised she didn't end up carried off to the asylum on a stretcher.

This exactly what I'm talking about - how can she be smiling????

Hands off our  candy 

Luckily our event was over in 2 hours.  I bundled my girls into the car and drove them 40 minutes home.  They continued to eat American candy until they passed out.  Basically they ate it non stop for 2 and a half hours.  My god.  That is the only, and last time they will have lollies for dinner.  I hid the loot bags (after chucking a few handfuls out - they'll never know) and amazingly got them upstairs to bed - they were ruined.  I then proceeded to take 100 selfies before I regretfully scrubbed my own facepaint off.  Even though I had tried to get some of the make up off the girls it proved impossible mid slumber, so I had to leave a lot of it on.  This proved to be a scary mistake when Vali arose in the night and came quietly sobbing into the kitchen just as I'd turned the lights off.  She just silently appeared behind me, and with the greenish sunken eyes and the white face - she looked like a terrifying little ghoul.  Basically she scared the absolute crappery out of me.

Gone

Goner

But even this wasn't as scary as the feeding technique Cordi has been planning for when we go home to meet their two new baby cousins.  I'm going to have to have a few words with her before she helps my sister out.

Scissors and perfume straight in the kissers

Welcome to the world my nephews - dear little Lucas and Angus.  I'm an Aunty at last!  Two sweet little boys for my beautiful sister and her husband.  We've all waited so long for you, and we're so so happy xxxxxxx

Cheers!!!