This one looks like it's saying "Get that pissing camera out of my face"
God damn it I've been on one lately - I've developed a new hobby and it's made me totally sick of myself, so god only knows how everyone else is feeling. It involves sitting up to 4.30am and arguing on Facebook with "friends" or "friends of friends" about the Israel/Gaza conflict. In reality I know it is a pointless activity and it only serves to make me frustrated (and tired), but I just can't help myself. Usually I wouldn't even bother, and initially I blocked a lot of people so I wouldn't be subjected to their prejudices. But something snapped inside of me. I suspect I end up raving, as even I have to admit that my responses are far from punchy. Instead they are long and comprehensive, so determined am I to make my point. But I realise now that I can never win. These people have already made up their minds. They endorse "facts" or links that only support their views, and dismiss any challenges as bullshit and propaganda. Do I do the same? It's highly possible. But I have always succumbed to the fast rule of only believe 80% of what you believe. It saves room for healthy scepticism. And honestly, what would I really know? I'm a 40 year old narcissistic Tasmanian housewife with a superiority complex and a penchant for taxidermy and secret online shopping……….. (no I haven't darling…..).
My truth goes something like this - What is always and of foremost importance to every person (I don't care who you are) is the health and safety of the people you love - your family and friends. I feel absolutely devastated for the citizens of Gaza, and I am totally heartbroken over the images I see daily. They live in hell. But I don't love them. However, right now at this very minute the people in Israel who I do love, with all my heart, are being continuously threatened. They are being threatened in their homes, and in the streets, at work, and in schools. And now some of them are threatened while they are bravely protecting their country, their people, and standing up for their beliefs. They are in danger, and that is what drives me to write what I have been writing late into the night. So there.
Luckily for me - and so many others - is that we have won the location lottery. Meaning that we have been born and have grown up in a place where we have always felt a certain kind of security regarding our own existence - which is something so many people just don't have. Millions around the world have to fight to have that kind of luxury. We can also take a break from, or switch off from events in the larger world at our leisure, and to a certain extent. Feeling secure is something I'll never take for granted again (I hope), and as a new friend said recently - living in Israel is a reality check. I agree with her. It doesn't put me off living there though. I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to going home.
In total exhaustion of all the social media crap, I have been taking time out by doing something that makes me feel simultaneously guilty and dirty inside - looking at pictures of Joan Collins with a wedgie. She's currently on a yacht in the Mediterranean somewhere with some young(ish) studs…. (for all of you who are beyond fascinated to know what Joan Collins is up to - providing you know who she is….Clue = Dynasty - the 1980s).
Oooooo - white's a bold choice Joan
Do I generally give a flying fuck about Joan - hell no. But never-the-less I tuned into my once favourite celebrity website (my shameful secret escapism) - for some pure relief, and to have a look at Joan from some unflattering angles while enjoying amusing commentary such as:
" Joan gave the camera lens BODY, SEX, glamour and several servings of champagne and caviar bloat. This is *Robin Leach’s porn". *Host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
A fanny shot in case you swing that way
And my personal favourite;
"Joan Collins is 81 years old and she can still take your man, take your company and take everything you love without even trying".
Bitch sure knows how to work it for a senior
Another thing I have been doing lately is visiting touristic sites for the sake of my children. This is largely pointless as they usually hate it, I definitely hate it, and my husband is catatonic from the hate he feels about activities such as sitting in a small open train with 20 other hate filled tourists and their screaming kids, and going deep inside an underground cave. My kids were howling and complaining the whole time about water dripping on their heads. It's FUN you horrors - you WILL enjoy it.
Caving Cordelia
You little fucker - you and your wistful friend
After deciding that we hadn't been punished enough for our hedonistic current lifestyle, we took off to the Barbados wildlife centre for some quality animal viewing a couple of days ago. The following were the animals that were wandering around with us - monkeys, deer and tortoises. For a start I hate monkeys - I don't trust those little lice infested cunts as far as I can piff 'em. I've seen Planet of The Apes. Those dudes are about planet domination and oppression of our species. I'm sure I've already outlined in a previous post the story of The Great Monkey Attack of '92, when Kate Whitehouse, Anna Doerner and I got savaged by a large group of shit smelling monkeys in Bali. The little fuckers went straight for the kill - we had our nipples bitten and Kate got one to the lip too. I'm telling you it was traumatising. The local dudes watched on as the monkeys came one after the other to tear us to pieces, and the only thing they did was take instamatic photos, and then try and sell them back to us at the park gate as we ran sobbing to our tour bus. I must say though, I seriously regret not buying one of those snaps now - I looked like I was wearing a full body suit made out of monkeys and had a hysterical look of "Somebody fucking HELP me" slapped across my 17 year old face - that shit is all kinds of amusing in retrospect - now that I don't have rabies and everything.
Some see a cute little fuzzball - I see a threat to world peace
The front deer is giving me the bitch stare - relax, I don't want your rotten mangos love
The deer were as deer always are, nervous and twitchy - doesn't take much to make a deer flee the scene. They're jumpier than Paris Hilton's crotch of crabs. They stunk as well - those suckers were no Bambi and it's mother - but they sure make funny faces when they eat mangoes.
It's hard to de-pip a mango when you have no hands
It's like the deer version of "The Scream"
Little Red
The whole place was grotsville really. Further tragedy included some poor old parrots in cages, a strange red bird, and the biggest snake I have ever laid eyes on. I think it could have been a bloody boa constrictor. Vali and Cordi were screaming their heads off as the poor old thing lay motionless in it's large wire cage. There was a sign in large letters that said "Keep Your Fingers Away From The Cage" I like to think that maybe Big Bertha had a little bit of a finger munching fetish in her younger days. I guess you have to do something to while away those long hours - large snakes have a pretty long life span. She didn't look so feisty now though. And again, it really stunk in there. I looked through the cage and I'm sure I could see a look in it's eye that said "Kill Me" - then again maybe it was saying "I want to kill yoooooooou". I was pretty glad that thing wasn't sliding around free with the rest of the menagerie. It could have easily swallowed Vali - I comforted myself with the thought that at least I had 2 children to use as a decoy while I made my escape if anything backfired.
Looks sad? It must be a snake trick - you go in for the cuddle and then…..
As for the tortoises, I have never seen a larger collection of them in the same place. The little waddlers were horny as fuck as well. There were orgies going on all over the place. There was more humping than Tits Up Tuesday at the local brothel. It was actually kind of repulsive - like a big live tortoise porn festival. The girls were like "Mummy, what are they DOING?" Piggyback riding of course darling doesn't it look like fun? Now, I found out something previously unknown about tortoises that day. I had always assumed that the little hard-shelled hornbags were a kind of noiseless animal. But apparently not when they are fucking. They actually sound like ducks quacking - I'm not kidding. They are extremely loud about it too. I thought maybe it was their orgasm sound but it went on too long for that. Unless they practise tortoise tantric sex or something and get those half hour spoof fests going on.
Ooooh baby baby
B-Baby Baby
Push it good
P-Push it real good
When we had our 2 pet tortoises on Bequia, I'm sure they never uttered a sound. They just wandered around the back garden looking for an escape and had the shits from over consumption of mangoes. I'm also sure I never saw Speedy hump Hasty - or vice versa - so it really was a surprise to see them all going for it so rambunctiously. No wonder there were so many there - I'd hate to go back next year. The park owners are going to have to start distributing tortoise condoms to quell the population if that kind of unbridled passion keeps up.
Pretty gross really
Talking of noiseless animals I remember being asked by my kids once what sound a giraffe makes. Of course I had no idea and had to refer to good old google in order to find out that they actually make a bleating noise like a baby goat. How cute. What I did know about giraffes though, was that they have the longest, blackest tongues I have ever seen. Dudes look like they've been eating licorice for a year non stop. I know this because I fed about 6 of them baby green bananas once from a large platform in Thailand. Those tongues are relentless….. Anyway, this brings me to my next point which is - what does the fox say?
Apparently fox costume sales were up by 40% at Halloween that year in America
It was with this genuine sense of curiosity that the Norwegian comedy duo wrote that electronic dance track that was posted on youtube and went viral in July 2013. I'm presume you all know what I'm referring to. "The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?). The first time I heard it I was dumbfounded. When I saw the film clip, even more so. How the hell could this be an actual released track? It's all kinds of ridiculousness…..but just so catchy. My favourite stupid line of the song was;
"But if you meet a friendly horse, will you communicate by m o o o o orse".
I could not believe a person could actually write that kind of shit.
However, as soon as I realised the background story, the stupidity all made sense. The track and film clip were made as a teaser for a comedy skit by two Norwegian brothers - known as Ylvis - who were promoting the new season of their Norwegian talk show. As part of the show they were going to pitch an idea for an electronic dance track to a record producer in America - using a concept that was so obviously bad that it was ridiculous - and thus comedic genius. The previous season of their show they had tried to be popstars in Kyrgyzstan - in central Asia - (knowing they could never make it in the UK or the US), and performed at weddings and had no success - and apparently it was pretty funny. So the next season they were going to try and create the same kind of comedy in America with "The Fox".
The track and film clip were designed, by their own admittance, to amuse a few Norwegians for 3 minutes. I think originally they had another track in mind but thought it wasn't bad enough, so they came up with "The Fox". They released it on youtube, and within a month they had notched up 100 million views (now it's up to 470 million views). It went completely viral all over the world - appearing in the charts of dozens of countries. It got to number 6 on the 100 Billboard chart in America - the biggest thing that had happened to Norwegian music since A-Ha put out "Take On Me" in the 80s (still a classic). They were everywhere - including doing the talk show circuit in America, and performing at concerts all around the world.
They're actually quite hot right?
It would be the Australian equivalent to the "Chasers" making up some stupid song for their show (The Chaser's War On Everything), and it sweeping the world for months. I don't think the Norwegian brothers quite knew what hit them - but they milked it for all it was worth. They must have been pissing themselves to see how much everybody loved that ridiculous piece of crap. They even brought out a children's book (basically it's the lyrics of the song with pictures - I saw it in Barnes and Noble last month). When it was released, it sold out immediately and was the top selling children's book in December 2013). The dudes are funny fuckers as well - I saw them interviewed once and they were hilarious. They were talking about how someone left the following comment on their youtube page about "The Fox";
‘What the f*** is this? It gives me no belief whatsoever in humanity and the music business.’
Both brothers readily admit to the absurdity and agree that is a "stupid song". When asked in all seriousness what inspired the song, they replied "I guess we could have been talking about what kind of noise a fox makes".
I'm with them - I have absolutely no idea what a fox says. I know, I'll just google it tonight - it will further take my mind off having anymore pesky thoughts and opinions about world politics.
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