The Gayest Thing Since Gay Came To Gaytown

Is the one on the left topless?

Literally it did.....the city of Tel Aviv hosted Gay Pride Week with a Mardi Gras tacked on the end last week.  The city was packed to the rafters with far too many good looking men holding hands with other far too good looking men.  The city sold out of short shorts and beard grooming products - and waxing salons hired extra workers to deal with the requests for baby bottom smoothness on the rest of their bodies.

Bitter old women always regard it as a tragic waste

View of a lifetime

I had my own little gayzelle mates in town - my darling old school friend, her brilliant partner, and their cherub of a child - now officially BFFs with my girls.  Their visit was coincidentally timed with the explosion of gay love - and fortunately for them they had been moved into the presidential suite at their hotel as a "favour" for the hotel manager.  Glamorous times were aloft.  I spent some hours there let me tell you.  Giant pool on giant balcony + hot chicks and beer = I'm your best friend always and forever.

There was the interesting question raised one night by my husband.  Are gays the only social group that  revolves around fucking?  I thought it was an interesting point.  I suggested prostitutes - but you don't see prostitutes taking to the streets in a celebration of the shag fest they are subjected to every night.  They would have more of a workers union march I guess. Like lots of yelling with megaphones and heaps of angry banners saying things like "Shorter Foreplay - Just Get It Over With"  - or "Just Because You Wave It In My Face Doesn't Mean I'm Going To Suck It", or "Two In The Bush Is Not Worth One In The Arse"  etc etc. (I think I could have a talent for Prostitute Rights slogans - am I wrong?).  Another idea of "Swingers" as a viable social group was put forth as a suggestion - and I guess there are swingers clubs and hang out opportunities, but again they're not exactly designing a flag and taking their love of rooting other peoples spouses to the public arena.  I guess the whole Gay Pride has to do with overcoming persecution and prejudice - which are are two of the worst "P" words ever, along with "poo".

The sun's gotta burn

Anyway, back to Tel Aviv - where the word for gay actually means proud.  There were events by day and night, and rainbow flags a plenty - who doesn't love a rainbow?  Surely every person on the earth upon seeing a rainbow thinks "Awwwww a rainbow".  If there's anyone out there who when catching sight of a rainbow thinks "What the fuck?  Another god damn rainbow, I'm so sick of those things" - then I want to meet them.  I will be impressed with their arseholeness. The same might be said about puppies.  But hating puppies, although indicating a cold heart, is understandable.  Puppies shit all over your house and chew up your favourite things.  In fact, I'm sure I've felt hatred for a puppy before.  But rainbows?  They just hang in the sky and look pretty......show me a rainbow hater - just one, just one....... 

Is this what you want ladies?  You're getting nada....

So the rainbow flags were flapping in the breeze all week long and the city was amped.  There were beach parties every afternoon, and events every night.  Gay men taunted me with their beauty and disdain.  Then came the most anticipated event of the entire occasion on the final day - Friday 13th June - Valentina and Cordelia's 5th Birthday Party!  Oh, it was also the Mardi Gras parade and sunset beach party too.

Crazy Sunset Beach Party

Should have worn this myself

The whole of Tel Aviv was torn - what event should they attend?  For me it was easy - the gay parade of course - even for the outfits alone.  Sadly, I had no choice.  I really wanted to be there and even more at the beach party - that shit looked wild.  But as the host of the birthday shenanigans I guess I sort of had to do my duties.  All that joy and celebration did cause a few traffic problems - those gayzelles really took over the entire city. Guests and food deliveries were having issues getting to us.  Fuck your rights bitches, where's my god damn princess cake and my mini muffins?".

But the party still went on.  As I said - I completely delegated almost all responsibility, and spent the entire time trying to convince myself I was chilled by talking a whole lot more quietly than usual and not thinking about the packing.  Hosting a birthday party for 20 kids and their parents and various family members is kind of huge.  And huge is how they roll in Israel.  As previously mentioned, under 12s rule the entire country - hmmmm maybe that's why there's so many issues in this part of the world.

There they are

Child Control At It's Finest

So I did as any self respecting parent would and should do when throwing an extravaganza for their 5 year olds.  As little as possible and made other people make it great.  Success!  I honestly do think it was great.  OK so there was no dolphin display (as seen at their 2nd Birthday Party at Cremorne in Tasmania), so Skye didn't make the food this time round - those mini mushroom pizzas were memorable - so all my beloved friends and Vali and Cordi's little Tasmanian chums weren't the guests - miss you honeys!!......but all in all I think it was pretty good.  Pretty pretty good.  The best thing of all was the party entertainer who came with the venue.  This guy was not mucking around, he had a headset microphone and a drum, and he wasn't afraid to use them.

Redlight Action

Watch and learn people, watch and learn

This guy was a modern day Pied Piper of Hamelin.  Remember that childhood story where the Piper took all the rats that were plaguing the town away with a few notes from his trusty pipe.  But then the people refused to pay him, so he got really pissed off.   Once again he played his little pipe.  Then, what should happen, but all the town children followed him like the little rats they were and he led them all away from their parents never to be seen again.  Harshness.  Basically a mass kidnapping then I guess - love a childhood tale - no wonder we're all fucked up.  So, yes, I hired a child thief to look after all the grotty little buggers.  In everyone's dreams......  There wasn't a parent among us who didn't secretly wish that "Ranaan" would lead all of them away for ever.......But in reality we eventually had to wrestle them (completely off their heads on sugar) out of the party zone,  shove them into the car, clean up the techni-coloured heave that they did all over the back seat from eating too many jelly snakes, and drive through a city swarming with half naked men waving glow sticks in our faces.

Somebody's happy

Make no mistake - this is what it's all about

The sugar thing is a big issue here.  You don't see many fat kids - but good lord - could they eat more sugar in this country?  It seems like it's treat day every day in school, and there are constant birthday parties all brimming to the top with bowls of marshmallows.  I was trying to tone down the sugar consumption and was buying fruit at the market with no intention of stopping at the candy store.  However, I was stopped in my tracks by my husband - an avid sugar hater usually, so I had to pay attention - who said that there was no way I couldn't buy a shitload of lollies.  I refused to back down at first, and a bit of fisticuffs broke out in the candy store (told you he likes to play that way - see last blog).  But I withstood the blows and relented only to a small bag of jellies.  Following further "discussions", and after one school mother told that her son couldn't sleep the night before because he was so excited about all the candy he was going to eat at Vali and Cordi's birthday, I thought I better relent.  Vali must have really been talking up the amount of sweeties they expected around class that week.  So we went back to the market with the girls in tow so they could choose their own birthday candies.  I stepped way out of that scene.  I think Vali might have stolen and eaten 20 lollies in the shop while Mark wasn't looking.  The drive home was unpleasant.

I tried with the fruit - I really tried

Hang in there Sulky, the end is in sight

So there were lollies, cupcakes, and plenty of MSG-laden snacks to really rev everybody up.  Then the giant ratpack were all set loose on the Pied Piper dude in a completely padded room.  All the parents and family then ate all the food and drank beer and wine, until an hour later when the little screamers were re-released on us chanting for pizza.  Luckily the pizza had been ordered and arrived on time - I employed one person to hold them back while my husband loaded pizza on plates which were handed out by me and a trusty assistant.  Chaos was averted.  Then they were taken away again, I brought the cake out and they all went berko on that too.  Vali gave out the take home bags early, and another frenzy ensued.  But finally I said all my goodbyes, forced the girls to thank all their friends, and shipped bags of presents out to the car.  And then drove back home.

And then at last silence.

But not for long.  After we did multiple trips up from the car there ensued a present unwrapping frenzy like no other, followed by a Friday night dinner at our family's place, followed by a bit of late night packing, and some apartment cleaning.....But at last it was up, up and away day......Bring on the peace and quiet for the love of god, and for fucks sake keep the glow sticks out of my face......

Bound for chocolately goodness