New York - Expect The Unexpected

Pink, Green and Clean?

Just a little bit of rubbish

Good old New York.  It's a brilliant place - but for the love of god could it be any filthier?  I honestly thought I was all filthed out after 6 months in Tel Aviv.  But I was wrong.  Way way wrong.  What was I thinking?  Tel Aviv may be dusty and riddled with dog shit.  And yes, there may be the occasional septic overflow - as what happened with our neighbours front yard for days on end.  Was it gross?  Absolutely putrid.  And do I always take my shoes off before setting foot indoors?  Yes, without a doubt - and I enforce it like a drill sergeant for all my guests.  I was going to write "enforce it like a nazi"  but it's actually illegal in Israel to call anyone a nazi, and subsequently it puts me off now.  I wonder if it's illegal to call yourself a nazi.  I shall have to find out.....Anyway, Tel Aviv grime has nothing on the grime of NYC.

Beam me up

This time we were staying in Manhattan.  In Chelsea actually - which is just south of mid town.  Had a few little issues on arrival.  We had spent the night in Madrid on the way there staying in a hotel where each floor was designed by a different architect.  It was pretty cool actually.  Our floor was designed by an architect called Kathryn Findlay, who's intention was to;
"recreate a place of meditation where guests could dream or, in her own words, listen to the breeze".
 Really???? I was honestly thinking she was going for the inside a 60s imagined futuristic spaceship......Then again, I guess I'm no architect.....

How come saying don't touch never works?

Anyway, it was a long couple of cramped flights, and teamed with the time difference it meant we touched down at JFK in the middle of the night.  Our car service never showed, and bullshitted us about it, we took a yellow cab with a driver who seemed to be nodding off while driving erratically on the freeway (we had to keep waking him up).  We discovered our apartment had been rented to somebody else, so we were instead shoved into a back-up one which was like a long thin box.  Minimal natural light - stunk of room deodoriser.  We weren't pleased.  On the plus side - our street was lined with plant sellers which was pleasant to walk down in the day.

Anyway back to the grime - I'm determined to discuss it.  Those streets are all kinds of repulsive.  Take a wrong step off the kerb and you can submerge your treasured See By Chloe nude leather slides in a puddle of cloudy brown stinking water (see how cleverly I worked my new babies into the discussion....).  And there's no amount of soft cloth sponging that can take them back to their former glory.  Granted, actually being there is worth the occasional shoe sacrifice.  If it's excitement you're after, then soak it all up.  I also like the commitment to "looks" that people go for.  You really see some great style.  Giant red dreadlock-containing hats,  chicks 2 metres tall with giant afros, dudes crossing the road wearing 12 inch platform shoes, glossy 20 year olds with immaculately put together style......I wish I was a bit quicker on the old photo finger.  Then there's the crazies.  It's tough to be a homeless mental case in a big city.  You see so many everyday.  People shouting out random crap to nobody, people screaming random insults to everybody, people doing all kinds of weird hand movements (nearly had my eye taking out by a particularly enthusiastic pointer finger), lots of whiffs of poo soaked clothing.....it's horrible actually.

The ram's carcass hat.  This look takes a major commitment in summer

Then there are the ones that you engage with by accident - the ones that catch you unaware because they look normal.  I'm bad at warding off annoying people at the best of times.  I've had a few uncomfortable rides in Tel Aviv with sleazy taxi drivers.  One old man actually put his hand on my knee and didn't move it the entire ride.  I'm so embarrassed about this actually -  because everyone says - why didn't I just tell him to fuck off???  Well firstly I was impressed about his ability to steer the taxi and get a grope in at the same time.  And secondly, I honestly thought he was going to move it any second, and an embarrassing confrontation could be avoided.  I was mistaken. He was in it for the long haul.  These days I sit right behind the driver so he'd have to be a contortionist to get a feel up.

So as I walked up our street with my shopping bags from Wholefoods - I heard a "Hi, how are you beautiful?".  And thus the first mistake was made.  Always a sucker for a compliment - I slightly inclined my head and said "Good thanks".  That was all he needed.  The next minute he was right beside me saying all kinds of sexual things.  Then I was grabbed.  I tried to pull away, but couldn't get my hand free.  He started kissing it - which may sound old fashioned with a tinge of the romantic, but when it turned to licking I knew I had a big problem on hand (!!).   I may have offered something weak along the lines of "Now that's just disgusting", and then I made a bolt for the nearest sushi shop to seek refuge.  The workers let me wash the saliva off my hand and helped me scope out the entrance so I could make my escape.  Fucking crazies.  And horny crazies should be avoided at all costs.

Icecream - enough to fade the memory of any stranger's slag

But let's not dwell on the bad times - because by christ there were good times as well.  Not to mention the usual enjoyment cruising around New York can bring - a touch of shopping, wines and snacks with a friend I haven't seen for ages, good restaurants, daytime kid activities - like visiting the museum and splashing around water fountains fully clothed (them, not me).  But I think the outstanding highlight of this trip involved a little excursion to a comedy club in the West Village.  We were booked in to go there (a genius move by the wife of my husband's business partner) at 9.15pm - she was keen to see a particular comic at that time.  But restaurants being restaurants, we were late to front up, and got the boot.  The ticket sellers said we could instead attend the 11.15 show.  So we reluctantly agreed, but were pleased to discover that our ticket for the later session meant we were one of the front tables.

Soaking

Wet

Look Cordi look

Museum of Natural History (notice the slides...anyone anyone?)

Cordi and the bison

Fly Vali Girl Fly

Summertime city fun

I'm actually scared of them in this picture

Old Nerdville himself studies a little Quantum light physics

I didn't take this btw - no phones allowed

But back to the Comedy Cellar.......After a few drinks upstairs and a nice long wait outside we were finally in.  The first two standup acts were pleasantly amusing.  However, between the second and third acts the host seemed to be killing time......then who should he announce was coming on the stage but Chris Rock!!!  Unbelievable stuff!  We were only a metre away from him.  That man is a funny funny bastard as well.  We were so excited - and that is a fucking understatement!!

Chaining

Then following Chris Rock, who should be announced but Dave Chappelle!!!  Holy Crap.  Jesus he was looking a bit on the rough side let me mention.  Really pissed and chain smoking ciggies.  Also he had gained quite a bit of weight - but nevertheless completely hilarious.  He had a lot to say about feet fucking and also......The Slender Man.  This was resulting from a news story where two 12 year old girls had stabbed their friend (also a 12 year old girl) 19 times to please The Slender Man. http://edition.cnn.com/2014/06/03/justice/wisconsin-girl-stabbed/
Dave said he was curious about who the Slender Man was but too scared to google it, in case it was discovered he was a sicko.

This photo really scares me

I was curious too - and unfortunately the kind of sicko who googles and pastes burnt arses from firecrackers - so I went in for a look just now.

Just in case anybody else is interested too, I discovered that The Slender Man is an alleged paranormal figure purported to have been in existence for centuries, covering a large geographic area. Believers in the Slender Man tie his appearances in with many other legends around the world, including; Fear Dubh (or, The Dark Man) in Scotland, the Dutch Takkenmann (Branch Man), and the German legend of Der Großmann or Der Grosse Mann (the Tall Man)......Apparently he's got a thing for mind control and child kidnapping - according to a blog I just read, he psychologically assaults children until they break, before gaining control over them and leading them off......Creepy.....I wish I never went there - Chappelle was right.

Marlon - he's hot right?

Anyway....Jesus....the fucking Slender Man - I'm totally freaked out now......must get back to the comedy night.....must.....So, while Dave was cracking us all up - who should also turn up in the club but Marlon Wayans!!  Totally pissed.  Then he, Dave and Chris were all up on stage together - drinking, smoking and cracking each other (and the rest of us) up until 3am. Dave Chappelle is currently doing a show at Radio City Music Hall where the front 5 rows cost over US$900.  Our front row table = $12.  What a win.  We left exhausted and with really sore faces from laughing so much - but highly highly amused and impressed about what can happened in New York at midnight on a Monday night.

Well, it was fun while it lasted - but peace and tranquillity await us on our beautiful island home of Bequia.  We.  Cannot.  Wait.

Almost there.......