Bubble Era Madness At It's Best

Welcome to Tomamu

Impressive (electricity bill)

Like two sets of brothers - the twin twin towers of Tomamu rise up bravely from the frigid winter environment.  Yes, that's right.  One lot of twin towers wasn't enough.  Tomamu Resort build two.  This resort is crazy.  Even more crazy than Rusutsu.  There has been a lot of cash spent here.  And with very few guests, the question must be raised - how the hell can they make any money???  Apart from the twin twin towers, there is more accommodation within extremely ugly buildings, 20 restaurants and a "sky walk" - basically a glass enclosed tunnel, suspended up high, and absolutely freezing - than runs between the different areas.  There is a giant glass buffet room (god knows what the heating costs are like) - with piles of delicious options (see below for my top three favourites) plus 2 chocolate fountains - white and milk - and piles of marshmallows and cake to spike and dip into them.  My final undoing - fuck their velvety irresistible smoothness I say.  You can even use a soup spoon like a ladle and slosh melted chocolate all over the top of your icecream from the all-you-can-eat soft serve machine - if you want to split the arse seam in your brand new snowboarding pants.   Outside the restaurant's glass walls, are extremely tall fir trees, lit up with giant spotlights.  It's actually beautiful, and very impressive.  The lights from night skiing turn the sky orange every night - going all out for that one skier that wants to make the most of his lift pass.  Fuck night skiing.  I'm not sure if there are people that actually do it more than once.  It seems like such a novelty idea, until you're out there, it's icy, it's about 15 degrees colder than during the day, and you wonder why you're not drinking beerus at the bar and reminiscing about your glorious form during the day.  I remember once seeing a group of snowboarders (Japanese guys of course)  all dressed up in wigs, dresses and cheerleading outfits.  With bare legs.  As the temperature was about minus 20 I hope to god they were pissed.

Sleepy Valli

My favourite type of fungus

What?

Enticing

giant wave pool to ourselves

Another drawcard(?) here is the famous MinaMina Beach - which means "smile smile" in Ainu, and well as "everybody everybody" in Japanese.  This is a huge Olympic-sized fake beach enclosed in a massive complex.  There are of course waves (just can't escape the bloody wave pools) that roll in every half an hour, and twice a day they have the "violent waves" set.  We took the girls one afternoon, they of course loved it.  And of course I was unmoved.  The inside of the centre was like a sauna, but the water a touch colder than I would have liked.  The last thing you want to be, when you're in your bathers looking out at a blizzard, is on the chilly side.

Sitting on ice having drinks in ice in the Ice Bar

What no guests?  Should have got married here.....

Spencer Glacier in Alaska

There is also an "ice village".  Basically ice skating, ice restaurants inside igloos, even an ice chapel where you can get married.  Actually it reminded me of this place we went to in Alaska three years ago on snowmobiles - Spencer glacier.  Under the end of the glacier was the giant deep blue chamber called "The Chapel".  On our snowmobile tour were a couple that were getting married there.  Under Alaskan law anybody can marry anyone, so the snowmobile tour guide married these people, while myself, Chalks and my friend Harriet were the only guests.  On the way there we were driving these bloody vehicles up and down banks, even through rivers and really fast along giant icy plains.  I was having major troubles keeping pace.  But after the "wedding" we all got stuck into the snacks and the champagne, and three glasses later it was time to head back.   I drove that snowmobile like a maniac.  Alcohol works wonders for confidence on a snowmobile (that should be on the brochure).  God it was fun.  Not sure if it was safe, but it was definitely fun.  Another highlight was when the bride (wearing a red jumpsuit and a veil) dragged the groom on the ground behind her snowmobile (again we have champagne to thank for that kind of entertainment.

On your marks. get set, GO!

The Chapel in the background - a couple of drunkards in the foreground

As I said = probably not that safe (note the glass of champers in one hand)

That kind of thing wouldn't happen in Japan.  You would probably have to do a safety course before you were even allowed to turn the ignition on, and you would be prohibited from taking it over 5kmph.  There's no way the initial instructions would be like they were in Alaska - "Here's the accelerator, this is the brake - get it up to 100kmph and let's GO!".  Anyway, back to Tomamu's ice village - where we also sat on animal skins on a ice seat in an ice bar and drank booze served out of blocks of ice.  Local sake was their speciality, but I guess hot sake wouldn't really work here.  Shame, it's my favourite.  I've been to an ice bar before.  One of those Absolute Vodka ones.  It was in Tokyo in the middle of summer.  You had to get dressed up in these giant thermal silver suits before entry.  Then you boozed it on with the same type of ice block cups, and very nice vodka cocktails.  There was something about being all dressed the same as the other patrons.  It really broke down the social inhibitions and there was a lot of chatting going on down there.  It wasn't the vodka either, I felt completely sober.  That was until I left.  As we stepped out the door back into the humid summer night, the sharp increase in temperature by about 40 degrees made me become immediately drunk.  And not just a bit tipsy - completely spastic.  There are photos of me slumped in the gutter pigging on greasy fried chicken bought from the 7/11 - the ultimate slag food.  Obviously family shots.

Valli and the Ice Bar

Tomamu from the top

I haven't even got to the snow yet.  Tomamu is in central Hokkaido, so it's much colder than on the coast.  The snow is more intact and very, very powdery.  There are also very few people here, so it doesn't get skied out.  The only issue is that the weather has been awful, and although it's snowed daily, the winds were so full-on, that they kept closing the upper lifts, severely limiting the accessible terrain.   Also, a lot of the chairs are uncovered.  With a temperature around minus 26 for the last few days (with wind chill) it has been pretty fucking brutal.  I was not lasting all day, lets put it like that.  My fingers and toes became like clubs of unfeeling nothingness.  We were however, finally able to get to the top in the gondola and experience some extremely enjoyable conditions.  Although I couldn't see much, and I kept  covering myself in a huge wave of powdery snow whenever I turned my board (that isn't a complaint by the way).  But that joy didn't last long and after a nail biting ride to the top in strong winds (again), the gondola was closed again, and we didn't get to the top again until our final day, which was (due to another huge dumping of snow), without doubt, the best day's riding of the entire trip.

This is what minus 26 looks like 

On one of these bad weather days, we decided it was now or never for "Powder Heaven".  This is a resort-named elusive area of the mountain which also has been closed since we arrived.  A snowboarders nirvana.  Wide open runs from the summit to the bottom, that are not accessible by any lifts.  It therefore, involved a short hike up the mountain from the highest lift to gain entry, but had had a large red sign across the hiking path the entire time we were there.  Also, there was something written in Japanese (unsure what that was though).  Well, after waiting for it to reopen, we eventually decided - fuck the sign.  We were going to "Powder Heaven" and we were going to love it.  Instead of sneaking up the assigned (and closed) path - we decided to go directly up  a nearby run.  This was quite an intense experience.  Climbing an almost vertical slope in deep powder with your snowboard isn't the most cruisy way to spend a Friday.  For most of it we were basically crawling uphill with all arms and legs on the job.  As we got near the top, with every step we took, the snow fell away beneath us.  I became almost frozen with fear.  Plus it was blowing a gale.  Not a great time really.  We decided to buckle up and traverse through the trees from there, and come out onto "Powder Heaven" a little way down from the very top.  It took a little while but we made it.  A huge, steep, wide run from the mountain's top to the very bottom, deep in powder, and not one track on it what so ever.  It was thrilling.

We started to swoosh.  I was at one side, Chalks at the other, when suddenly I spotted couple of orange sticks across the run.  I went in for a closer look.  And that's when I spotted it.  I huge lip of snow that dropped off in a a massive zig-zagged crack that extended across the entire slope.  Basically an avalanche just waiting to drop.  It fucking terrified the life out of me.  I screamed out to Chalks to stop, but he was already across the other side above the crack and couldn't get back.  He couldn't see it properly (I was down the side of it with a direct view into the crevasse).  I couldn't believe it - our promised land of Powder Heaven had become Crack Hell.  I guess that's the way it goes for a lot of people.  Chalks decided to take off his board and try and walk across the run above the lip.  I went to the side to grip a tree.   Then I couldn't actually see him, and got a little panicked about his whereabouts.  But at last he made it, and we got the fuck out of there as fast as we could.  So THAT'S why they had closed "Powder Heaven".  I guess it pays to be able to read Japanese when they are warning you about life safety.   Looking back I'm sure we would have been fine.  I think I was a bit over anxious after reading an article the night before, about a young guy who had ridden the extinct volcano near Niseko called Mt Yotei a month ago, and nearly been killed in an avalanche.  Avalanches are like the Great White Shark of the ski mountain.  Plus, you never think it will happen to you - until you wake up in a snowy hell with your legs pointing in all weird directions, and get to see what bones sticking through the skin look like.

Face to face with the evil Chokkari

Maybe it was safer to go and play on Adventure Mountain with all the under 10s.  We too could find the seeds to the forest, and prevent the evil "Big Monster" - Chokkari - from stealing them from the Nipos (forest fairies).  All this exciting action takes place on the slopes in a kids wonderland called Nipotown - Apparently Chokkari want to chop down all the trees so he can ski, and the Nipos want to plant more trees.  I'm with Chokkari on this one.  I think a few mores trees could come out of some of those wooded areas - they're a bit closely spaced to ski between on occassion.  Cordi is terrified of Chokkari, but also fascinated by him.  I don't think she knew what to think when she saw the photos of me posing with my new BFF.   God knows how much they have spent in promoting the Nipo/Chokkari battle.  There are signs everywhere.  Plus they pay some guy to ski down a hill all day shaking his fist and terrifying all the kids learning how to ski for the first time.  Not to mention the Nipo, who walks around in that stupid costume bumping into things.

I think he wants to punch me

But really he wants to be BFFs - I can get past the nose

I later betray Chokkari by bonding with a Nipo

They also have an interesting off piste policy here.  They don't seem to have an active ski patrol, but they instead make people who want to ski through the trees sign up every morning, buy insurance, wear a helmet and poxy vest, and listen to a lecture on the daily snow conditions.  They are also nice enough to have pamphlets that divide the tree skiing zones into different areas and explain the nature of the terrain.  For example, Zone 7 - "the trees are widely spaced and there are a few dips and bumps".  Or Zone 8 - "Full of creeks that you will nearly ski into, stop a metre from, and then the branch you are holding onto for dear life will snap with a resounding CRACK and you will scream loudly".  Thanks very much.  I'm still not wearing the gay looking vest though.  However, I guess part of the lecture may have covered why you should never go into Powder Heaven....hmmm could have been worthwhile afterall.

But as always, the good things come to an end, and the snow honeymoon is in it's dying throes of life.  Ho Hum.  We will have to go back to everyday life.  But first, off to my old home town of Sapporo for a few days....but not before I have my final Tomamu healthy start breakfast of fried breadcrusts dipped in condensed milk (breakfast slag food), and slap on a horse placenta face mask.
It's so nice to look after yourself.

That mask picture is scarier than Chokkari