Tobago Cays - yes please

Ridiculously lovely

Tobago Cays (pronounced  Tobago "Keys") would have to be one of the most stunning sights in the world (apart from me first thing in the morning on January 1st each year).  Basically, how could you get better than 5 uninhabited islands, with lush white beaches all surrounding a reef - perfect for diving and snorkeling?  Off one of the beaches is a large amount of sea grass, which attracts masses of giant Hawkbill turtles that you can swim with and some very large rays - which seemed reasonably friendly.  Maybe not if you're Steve Irwin.  Was it ever proven that his last word was "crikey" or was that an evil rumour?

We see beautiful sea creature - Caribbeans see soup and a few hair combs

What doesn't look good from the air?- well perhaps Chernobyl....

Naturally you have to get here by boat.  The closest port is union island - for us it took 2 and a half hours by old fashioned wooden sailing boat from Bequia.  How charming.  In fact, the site is so picturesque that it was used extensively during the filming of Pirates of The Caribbean.  Many areas around here were.  And quite rightly so, as after all, it is actually the Caribbean, and nothing more looks like the Caribbean than the Caribbean itself.


So, that morning we set off on the Friendship Rose.  Fruit, coffee and croissants were served as the boat pulled out of the harbour and rounded the south side of the island.  We spotted the "Moonhole" as we rounded another bend.  The New York Times in 2004 described Moonhole as such;

"It is a quirky 19-home ecologically oriented development built of native stone, with whalebone accents, on the steep hills of the island's southern tip. The name comes from a soaring natural arch on the shore through which the moon can be seen at times"

Whalebone accents huh?  Told you whale slaughter was on the menu around here.  These structures were build by a couple of hippies in the 60s (obviously that free love doesn't extend to our seabound mammal friends) and you can actually rent one to stay in - for a high price.  Call me Miss Picky - but if I'm shelling out mega bucks for accommodation I would at least like my dwelling to have walls.  If you're squatting - no issues, but when coughing up hundreds,  you actually may like to have running water on hand, and a light or two.  It does look impressive from the water though.  Which is where I'll keep my experience of the Moonholes.

The arch where the moonviewing goes down

As I said - walls just aren't a priority

Jabby - our saviour

Next we saw flying fish which was a first for me.  Those little bastards sure can move.  I was feeling quite enchanted with the whole experience.  Until reality settled in.  It started with being sick of the boat.   Look, and I'm sorry to those dear friends of mind that love a sail,  but I just don't get the whole boat thing.  They are great at first - but then, don't you just want to arrive somewhere???  The whole time you're on board you're just looking for land.  And when you finally spot it, it takes ages to actually get there.  By the time you step foot on the jetty, you're like "Thank FUCK for that".  Then the reality that you have to go all the way back starts to eat away at the initial relief.  Deserted islands are great sounding - but they are in fact deserted.  You can't sit under an umbrella and have a cocktail served by someone called "Sunshine" with Bob Marley floating out over the humidity.  When ourselves, and our fellow passengers got rowed over to one of the white sand beaches, the race was on to find shade.  I ended up fighting over a twig's shadow with a overweight pasty Russian.  So of course we got sunburnt.  All of that snorkeling and staring at turtles turned it into the 3rd degree kind.  We also got caught in a rip over the reef, and had to be rescued along with a 70 year old.

So pretty - but this shot excludes the group brawl over the shade under that tree

All I wanted to do was to be teleported home, preferably with a fist full of aloe vera.  As we got rowed back to the boat, and hung around on there watching an annoying group of Americans get plastered on beer, I wondered why I constantly insist on suggesting we take a tour somewhere.  They always sound so, so much better than the actual experience.  Am I alone in thinking this?  Other tourists are irritating, the heat is suffocating, the food uninspirational.  Plus, I'm so totally over hearing about what Johnny Depp got up to during filming. "That's where Johnny Depp stayed"  "I once gave Johnny Depp a ride to the airport"  "Johnny had a pina colada and a club sandwich at this bar" "Johnny Depp waved to my cousin's friend's mother"  "Johnny Depp did a shit in this toilet".  It gets a little much.  I get it alright - Pirates of The Caribbean  was 'ere, and you may have had some Johnny Depp-ish experience.  Move on people.

This island's catch cry is "Resort of Johnny Depp"

This is where the cousin's friend's mother waving allegedly took place

Hold back that chunder handsome

Unfortunately, there's another factor involved in travelling by boat.  It's called sea sickness, and it is a horrendous experience.  My beloved gets sea sickness so badly, that just sitting on a surfboard makes his gut churn.  Once he went for a kayak/snorkel trip, and his friend ended up paddling them both back to shore, while the poor green Chalky lay helpless in the bottom.  Although I have been known to have a heave overboard on occasion, I seem to be more of a plane sickness type of person.  Did you know that those paper vomit bags are surprisingly sturdy?  A memorable incident, was when I had an attack of the spews just as my plane landed. I was sitting in the very front seat, and every other passenger had to walk past a chundering me to get off.  Of course they all looked - who can't resist a stare in such a circumstance.  As I finally dragged myself to my feet the pilot kindly said "Is there anything I can do to help you Miss?"  I handed him my vomit bag and stumbled off the plane.  It will probably be the last time he ever voices concern for a puker.

So lately I've been pondering another island trip, but luckily I have also managed to talk myself out of it so far.    I know it seems lazy, but honestly home is so so much better.  It's cool, there's a pool, a fridge, snacks, a bed, banana lounges, drinks with ice.  And more to the point no annoying companions - (apart from the kids).  I now understand why my mother says she would rather watch overseas destinations on TV than actually go there.  While it's true that reality often exceeds expectations and you mostly remember the good times, you have to face the fact that you will often be hot, tired, frustrated, hungry, irritated, broke, unsatisfied and sick.  But isn't that all part of the fun????  Maybe it was when I was 20 - but my current attitude reflects an awareness of my age that I typically try to deny and suppress on an everyday basis.  Now are the times when I will often ask myself "What would Johnny Depp do?"  It seems obvious doesn't it? Especially with my now intimate knowledge of his Caribbean daily schedule. A cocktail. A sandwich.  And a poo.

The Fatty and The Hag

"There are two types of women in the world - those who like chocolate, and complete bitches"
Dawn French.

Something that's popped up on Facebook a couple of times now, which also happens to be something that pisses me off (for a change) is the above post, which shows the photographs of Gillian McKeith and Nigella Lawson, and the accompanying dialogue.   I'm sure you've all seen it before - but basically the gist is - Nigella is a hot sexy piece because she consumes meat, wine and fattening desserts, while Gillian is an repugnant dog because she advocates a mostly vegan lifestyle.  There are so many things wrong with this on so many different levels.  I could go off on a feminist tangent abut how disgraceful it is that women are once again judged solely on their looks as opposed to their deeds  - but I won't of course, because I'm not an ugly butch leso with unwaxed facial hair.

Let me instead stick to the obvious issues that this (non) representation of the "healthy" lifestyle vs.  the "fuck it - lets bathe in lard" approach brings up.  Firstly, lets tackle to all too apparent differing circumstances that these two photographs are taken in.  The one of Nigella is apparently taken 4 years ago, and lighting is doing her a lot of favours.  Also, she's in an evening gown with her tits taped up, and let's face it - there has been a hell of a lot of injectables shoved into that face.

Oh dear

The one of Gillian instead, is the worst possible photo that could be taken of anyone (except the one next to this text block).  It was taken while Gillian was a contestant in "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here".  In the image above, she's just crawled out her mosquito infested tent in the jungle, hasn't showered for a week and has just faced the challenge of eating a tarantula for breakfast.  There is no way anyone could not look like a wretched hag under these circumstances.  If the focus of this argument is in fact looks, then perhaps a photo should be posted of the two ladies in their bathers for a second look and analysis.....

You really shouldn't do this - oh, and go easy on the eyeshadow next time Gilly

Not Nigella's finest hour - at least we know why she has great skin - hint- it's not from butter

It's not that I particularly like either woman.  Nigella is often described as "delightful" and "charming".   don't find her so.  Besides, I don't see what's so delightful about watching a grown woman give a blow job to a wooden spoon full of cake batter.  Many people argue that her meals are devoid of processed food, and that she makes everything from scratch.  It's a pity that a large percentage of these meals use such natural ingredients as double cream, piles of sugar, and blocks of chocolate.  Forget how she looks on the outside - how are those arteries love?  Plus, she also suggests giving piles of refined sugar to children in some of her "child friendly" snacks.

Oooh yeah baby

Scrubbing up a little better

I've also watched Gillian McKeith's show "You Are What You Eat".  It's one of those shows that takes an overweight unhealthy Brit,  and lays all the food they have consumed in a week out on a table.  That bit's my favourite, and is seriously revolting.  Perhaps not my favourite bit is when she makes them do a poo, and examines it, then proceeds to tell them how disgusting it is.  It's poo Gillian - it's meant to be obscene.  Considering that the woman refers to herself as a doctor (and isn't) obviously means she is a bullshitter.  Although she also refers to herself as "The Queen of Greens" and "The Nutritional Nazi".  Fair enough - she also has delusions of grandeur and is anti Semitic.

No Spanx can hold that in

How can anybody argue with the notion that eating a shitload of fruit, vegetables and healthy grains is good for you.  It seems stupid to me.  I know from personal experience that when I eat like Nigella, I do not, and never will look like Nigella - except from behind.  Plus I feel like shit.  Whereas, when I pump up the health factor, and consume largely a plant based diet, I feel bloody amazing, and look a lot better as well.  Nigella is obviously blessed with great genes, as she is, of course, beautiful.  I would further suggest that Nigella looks gorgeous in spite of what she consumes, not because of it.  However, it is very interesting that she has recently lost a shitload of weight by abandoning her former "guilt-free" eating of midnight snacks, consisting of scones dripping in double cream and golden syrup (yum by the way), in favour of a Gillian McKeith style of eating.  Nigella originally tried to blame the weight-loss on bunion surgery - which I don't get -what they cut a bit of her bum cheeks off at the same time or something?....But she has now come clean about eating clean.      http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2065733/Nigella-Lawson-weight-loss-secret-revealed-James-Duigan-Bodyism-Clean-Lean-plan.html

Shunning bacon pie

Oh jesus - this is worse than the ice cream licking

Diets, bodies, lifestyle choices - obviously this kind of topic can not be adequately addressed in this meagre rant.  I have my own opinions and you can all have yours.  All I know is that I want to live a life where I eat the healthiest food I can, and give myself good nutrition whenever possible.  I also thinks it's fine to indulge in treats sometimes, but I want to do so without having a guilt break-down over my thighs.  I want to enjoy life, good health and fitness and try to ensure that my own daughters don't grow up as screwed up over weight and food like myself, and the majority of women out there.  This is why that post on Facebook pisses me off.  It is like saying - who gives a fuck about health and well being?  Eat everything you want and you may in time - providing your desserts have enough heart attack inducing butter in them - become as attractive as the woman pictured here.  What a load of shit.  I might go and suppress my irritation with a carrot........cake.  Or how about a caramel ice cream sundae with fudge sauce?  If it's good enough for Nigella....

Nigella whips up a healthy brunch for the kids