Just Eat It

Lets Get Mc Fucked Up

The Federal government just approved the importation of marijuana for medical use into Australia.  It's a bit confusing though, because apparently they gave it the go ahead last year, but had to import it in from overseas.  They couldn't source it locally - which is bloody weird, because I've never had any issues getting my hands on a bag or two.  I guess they would be importing it in tons or something so they can't exactly rock up to your guy on the corner and ask for two tonnes worth of foilies - although that dude on the corner needs to move with the times and seriously expand his operation in that case - business opportunities don't come knocking twice.

That's more like it Buddy

Not yet my friends....not yet

So where from here Australia?  It's still difficult to get permits from your doctor in order to get your hands on the good stuff.  It's not like you can rock up to a dispensary where it's all displayed in a pretty white room behind a glass topped counter and claim glaucoma. Although that could still cut it with the Snorters, so give it a go next time you get busted.  By the way, I was very interested to hear that glaucoma is some sort of eye disease  - I totally thought it was low blood sugar or something, and I coincidentally  got tested for it today.  No it wasn't an attempt to get pot I swear it.   Regardless, there's no debilitating eye disease here though.  Bummer.

Don't mind if I do

When you go to certain states in America its fascinating to see how far it's all come.  California was the first state to legalise marijuana for medical reasons in 1996,  while Colorado and Washington were first to decriminalise it for recreational use in 2012.  Many other states have since followed.  It seemed like a miracle to me.  When I travelled to America 20 years ago, marijuana related offences were heavily criminalised and penalised in many states.  I remember hearing that getting busted for pot carried a heftier sentence than rape. I don't if this was true or not, but naturally I believed it.  This was also of present concern because a Canadian pot grower and his Thalidomide afflicted pot guard were, at that time, convincing me and my travel buddy to do a bud run over the US border for them.  The cash reward was so tempting for a poor person, yet the thought of getting busted in the US filled my undies with poo poo.  Of course I was completely outraged at the harsh nature of the possible punishment and it gave me more of a reason to hate America like any good leftist backpacker should.  These days I am of the opinion that America is fucking awesome.  It is.  Even with a strangely coloured man running it at the mo.  That won't go on forever anyway - lets just hang in there, talk shit about him, and be glad we're really far away. Ahhhhhh I'm such a political activist.  That's what the young are for - they still think that what they do matters.  It doesn't.  Just in case you're wondering...... You're all fucking puppets.....that was harsh - sorry, where was I?

Thank you for your service to humanity Green Leaf

So - where will it go from here?  Drive through bud shops that's where.  I have been there and I have done that muthafuckas, by god I have.  It was thrilling seeing giant lit up billboards that say "WEED" on them in huge red letters, and then spotting a drive-through marijuana shop right next to all the drive-through fast food 'restaurants".  And you don't need no glaucoma certificate to get your hands on some good stuff.  We went inside the first one we spotted in upstate Washington.  I just wanted to see all the goods in all their glory.  It was literally an adults candy store.  Filling all the walls was hundreds and hundreds of different marijuana products.  Of course there were bags of buds all over the joint (pun intended).  Now we're not talking zip locked bags here either.  What is under discussion are professionally packed and labelled bags of chunkers.  All nicely named - a myriad of different choices and sizes.

Sweet Jilly

I want that job

You can also snap up some pre rolled joints in round containers which outline the 'ingredients'.  Now there really is a paid job rolling joints.  Sadly, I'm 20 years too late to live my dream.....But my favourite hands down in the whole shop - the edibles.  And the world has really moved on since the days when you boiled a pot of butter, water, and sweet Mary Jane on the stove when your Mum went out for the arvo and then whipped up a batch of brain flattening Space Anzacs.  God dam it that smell of boiling pot butter was hard to get out of the house.  I can smell it now - sickliest smell on the face of the planet. The edibles in the States are bullshit.  I don't smoke so much these days - but who can say no to a pot-enhanced salted caramel?  I couldn't say no to an apple flavoured bud candy either, or some cookies for that matter.  It's great - you can combine your love of sweeties with a nice..  ahem...relaxing high.

They were delicious.  They were god damn delicious

So innocent looking.  So lethal acting.  Like a teenage ninja girl - that one from Kill Bill

Munchy Way anyone?

Bloody little green-tinged bitches

The trouble with edibles is that it's already too late once you truly realise how fucked up you actually are.  You've ingested that sucker.  No amount of fingers down the throat would help you either so forget that back up plan.  That shit has gone and got into your blood now baby, you are on the ride and there's no getting off.  The apple candy was mild - perfect for road trips and snowboarding.  The salted caramel was pretty potent - social interaction was somewhat challenging except for laugh communication with your husband.  But the quarter marshmallow cookie took me to another dimension.  I was under the covers in bed panicking I was never going come out of it.  Basically under that sheet was my new home for the following 60 minutes.... or was it years.....?.



Some people may accuse me of bad mothering, and yes, you do have a certain point.  No person with a sheet on their head can drive their kid to school.  But I truly feel like on the extremely rare occasion these days that I do get wasted, I'm a so much nicer parent.  No more screaming at them to pick their crap up off the floor.  No bossin' them around all over the place.  No strict on time bedtime.  I am so fun.  I even get down on the ground and make voices for the farmyard animals or whatever game they've got going and let them eat the hotel room mini bar goods.  Now I come to think of it, they must get so confused.  I better just stick with Bitch Mummy.  Well, she is more effective at getting stuff done.  And when I feel bad I just remember that Courtney Love took heroin while she was pregnant and that kid is totally fine.  Doesn't think much of her Mum though, so maybe we better not use Frances Bean as an example.

Ooopsie Daisy

One thing you still DON'T want to do in America is travel over the border with any stuff in your possession.  Federal law is applied on the border and even though you a passing from a country where it is on the verge of being legalised (Canada), into a state where it is 100% legal (Washington State) you absolutely can not have it on you.  Unfortunately we did.  Unintentionally of course.  We weren't dumb enough to smuggle or anything, we just forgot to chuck it away and the American border came on us sooner than we anticipated.  Before we could say "We really should do something with this gear" we were in the line and being asked "Are you carrying any agricultural produce today".  Well, we had a giant bag of apples and bananas and oranges in the car for road trip snacks on the seat in front of his face, so it was a "yes".  He asked for a look, and then politely informed us that we had to go to the quarantine section.  We drove in.  Things got not quite so nice after that.  We were ordered in no uncertain terms to exit the vehicle immediately.  I kept asking questions "Do we all have to get out" "Can we take our bags?".  The response was always the same "Exit The Vehicle NOW".  My husband quickly grabbed the bag of buds from the centre console and stuck it down his pants.  I left the cookies to fend for themselves.

Hi Fellas - what, this lump down my pants? It's nothing, nothing at all

So there we were inside American customs, with our innocent daughters and a quarter of stinking bud in my husbands crotch.  It wasn't good.  What was good was that there were no sniffer dogs.  I was ushered into a line for the interview.  My husband disappeared and so did my kids.  I just had to answer a whole lot of questions and give permission to have the car searched.  I had my fingers crossed for those cripplingly potent marshmallow bickies - and where was my husband and the stinkiest loco weed the world has ever known?.  My interrogator was back before I knew it, and I have to say, my fingers shook when I signed the release form.
"I found something" says she.
I was about to scream "I'VE GOT GLAUCOMA - IT'S A DEBILITATING CONDITION", when she continued.....
"And I've had to confiscate the items.  They will now be destroyed".
Sweating now, really sweating.......
"Ma'am - you cannot not take over the US border under any circumstances.....ANY circumstances....."  What? God damn it - you're stringing this out more than an episode of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire......
"I have taken from your car.......your Granny Smith apples".
I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped.
"You can take the Fujis, the pink ladies, the golden delicious', even the red delicious' - but I've had to confiscate your three Granny Smith apples.
"Take them, take them ALL" I shrieked in a shrill sort of merriment, "I barely like them, they're hideously sour".
To be honest though - they are my faves.  Why couldn't Red Delicious' be the contraband?  It's so hard to get a good one of them these days.

And where was my husband with the marijuana tainted genitals?  He was in the toilet and like all good drug crims, was flushing the evidence down the toilet.  It had great suction actually - it was probably designed for that very purpose.

I can't even look at you right now

A lucky escape.  And yes we felt like total idiots.  Especially when 10 km down the road we passed a giant Marijuana leaf sign and were back in business for every green moment you could dream up.  It's a good thing I never became a drug smuggler.  I don't have the temperament for it - I'm too jumpy and and I flee at the first sign of trouble.  And what happened to the green marshmallow cookies?  Well, after their lucky escape, I thought I better help them live their life's purpose and ate one and a quarter just to get rid of them.

Big Mistake.  A big big mistake.  It's ALWAYS the edibles that fuck you.

Ooopsie Daisy