15 Things I'm Going To Miss About Israel

So Long.....Farewell

This post has been a long time in the coming.  I've made two serious attempts - both totally unfit for publishing.  The first was a complete spiral into Sopsville (i.e. heavy focus on my Israeli friends and family.....and halva); the second was cold hearted (i.e. it was blank). I seriously considered publishing this second one for fun, but realised it was just a reflection of the final two weeks of 'over it-ness' you get when preparing to leave somewhere you have loved - basically you hate everyone and everything.  It's a defence mechanism.  Either that or it really does suck, and everyone you know is a dick....

Anyway, this is my third attempt to finally close the doors on almost three years of life in this crazy country.  Because it's over now.  It's all done and dusted, finito, splitsville, gone Daddy gone.

Packing up my life was painful.  As a friend of mine said, who also just packed up her own life - after 10 years overseas - "Shifting countries is like childbirth, agony at the time but since forgotten".

The actual day of leaving was smoother than expected thanks to 3 burly men, some bubble wrap and a crane; but the saying of goodbyes hurt like a frontal vagina waxing.  I cried, I deep breathed, I took  a Xanax.  I always knew it would be great in Israel, but it was an experience that far exceeded any expectations I may have had.  Parting is such sweet sorrow.  Actually, it was just sorrow......  

And now for my Incredible "Most Missed List";

1. Tel Aviv:

You may look like crap, but it's part of your charm

Obviously top of the list.  Jerusalem may be the spiritual capital of Israel, but Tel Aviv is the heart.  The beating lively pulsing heart.  It may be filthier than a human shit squashed on the bottom of a flip flop, but make no mistake - it is a fucking legend of a city.  Vibrant and happening - there is nowhere else like it.  They call it The White City, but it's more like The Off White City, or the White City With a Layer of Brown Filth On Top.  Make no mistake though if it's fun you're after, you're going to get it in Tel Aviv.  Noisy, unrelenting fun with a heart of gold.

2. The Beaches:

It's warm as well

The entire west coast of Israel lies on the Mediterranean Sea - need I say more.  The beaches are tops.  Ok yes, in summer you may literally burn blisters into the soles of your feet when you cross the sand for a dip, and the after-weekend ciggie butts floating in the shallows may be a little gross.  But toughen up Princesses, this is Israel - enjoy.  But no matter how much you do actually enjoy it, you will never love lying on the beach as much as the vast number of French geriatrics burning themselves to a caramel crisp every single day of the year.  The beach is their world people, and don't you ever forget it. 

3. The Food:

I'm going to miss you so much Lover

Lets make one thing clear; the food is so fucking good that you will become a complete porker unless you have extreme vigilance about what you shove into your piehole.  There are lots of salads available at every restaurant sure, but it doesn't count as health food when you dump half a kilo of tahini all over the top.  Surprisingly you don't see a lot of obese Israelis.  Usually anyone clocking in at 150kgs are American tourists who got slightly carried away at the baklava stand at the markets.  And despite a diet heavy in sugary treats (they give candy out at school as rewards - it's fucked), you never see a chubby Israeli kid.

4. The Markets:

This woman was not attracted to me at all

The Shuk HaCarmel is one of my favourite Israeli experiences.  I actually feel a little sad that I didn't get the chance to go down and bid farewell to all my market buddies; Shlomi the fish guy (he admitted that no matter how many times he scrubs his hands the smell of fish never comes out); Elan my fruit and veggie guy who is seriously in love with me (I am extremely popular with the over 70 market crowd for unknown reasons); the Wah Wah Wee Wah Man (who cannot stop saying 'Wah Wah Wee Wah' about 2000 times a day - I have no idea how the stallholders around him cope with it), The Nut Fella - best nuts in Israel......not that I'd know.  So the whole place would probably get shut down in Australia due to about 100 food and sanitation regulations being broken, and yes there may be large rodents crawling over everything at the outskirts, and chicken blood on the ground; but live a little everyone.  The Shuk is one of the last third wordlish things left in Tel Aviv.  I hope they never change it - rodents and all. 

5. Old Shit:

I don't know what the hell this is, but it looks old as fuck

There are enough old ruins, buildings and crumbling structures in these lands to satisfy the most nerdy of all history lovers.  You can't even dig a hole in your backyard in Jerusalem with the Archeological Society moving in, roping off your garden and subsequently digging up the ruins of a Roman village.  This land is far out old alright - and of course part of the whole Middle East -  which is the fertile crescent where human civilisation reportably kicked off.  Jerusalem itself, is apparently 5000 years old. The cobblestone paths in the old city have had so many feet walk over them that the rocks are shiny and slippery.  If you're all into all things biblical and stuff, then cities and areas mentioned in The Bible can be visited.  You can go to The Church of The Holy Sepulchre where Jesus was supposably crucified, and where Marco Polo grabbed some oil to take to Kubla Khan's palace - and not only can you see this amazing church, but you can descend underneath the church to where the ruins of a pagan temple are that the Christians just build over the top of.  This is just one measly example.  All of this kind of archeology thing makes me blow my load. And its not just from watching Indiana Jones, although Harrison Ford really was hot in his younger days.  Times have changed though and Calista Flockhart can have him in his twilight years.  

6. Smoking Joints In The Streets:

Or then again you can street smoke a bong

Suck back a fattie in the middle of the city streets at anytime of the day or night and you will barely get a glance from passerbys.  You could probably blow a lungful of smoke in a policeman's face and come out of it unscathed (just claim tourist if things get ugly and don't mention I said it was ok).  In fact you can not only smoke freely in bars and nightclubs, but you can light up and smoke away in restaurants and not get told to put it out.  I once witnessed two dudes request a bowl and a pair of scissors from the waitress.  They then proceeded to mull up and strap up a number, and smoke it right at the table - nobody even looked at them (yes they shared).   Pick your venue though, you don't want to suck one back at the breakfast buffet at The Hilton - straight arsed tourists hang out there.

7. Going to Breakfast In Your PJs:

Goals

The slovenliness in personal style, and often hygiene, is something I will simultaneously miss and hope I never see again.  Most of the country looks as sloppy as a veggie burger with extra sauce, and they dress like they have no mirrors at home, and indeed maybe they don't.  Some of the outfit ensembles I have witnessed over my time here have made me weep tears of blood.  Either people don't care, or they care two much and dress top to toe in matching floral, including a pair of shoes in the exact same floral fabric (how would you find shoes that exactly matched your hideous outfit - they must have had them made especially, it's the only explanation).  Sometimes I really enjoy wearing the same clothing I wore to bed to drop the kids off at school, and then to wear out to breakfast.  I have learnt a couple of important things here - always dress in leopard print if you are over 60, and in Israel leggings are not only pants but they do not require underpants underneath.  Sometimes you just have to surrender to it, and god damn it, it feels good.

8. There Are No Spiders:

Look at those fangs

There maybe the tiniest of tiny little insy winsies on an old gate in the suburbs or something, but generally speaking there are no spiders here, and certainly none in your house or lurking in your clothes.  There are certainly none the size of your hand that run very fast, and like to hang out under the sun visor in your car.  There are no chunky bodied black ones that crawl into the neck of your shirts when you leave your clothes on the floor.  So long did I spend in Israel, that I am no longer hyper vigilant about shaking my clothes or my shoes out before I put them on.  I no longer jump a mile when I see something black twitch in the far corners of my peripheral field of vision.  I will have to readjust.  Israel has made me soft.

9.  The Directness of Communication:

That guy in the white is telling the chick to piss off

Again this is something both missable and unmissable depending on your mood at the time.  Sometimes it's enjoyable to bark an order at someone; bang into someone without the need to apologise; or have some slightly shitty interaction with a random citizen; while other times you just want to sob "Be nice to me you prick" to the bartender.   One thing is for certain, my skin is a lot thicker than it was before I moved to Israel, which is a good thing really, as I got tears in my eyes the first time I went to New York and someone yelled at me for not saying 'coffee' clearly.  What a pathetic pussy.  Now I do the yelling, I do the yelling.  

10.  Feeling Secure:

Nothing says safety like a teacher with a gun

Now this may be a bit weird, considering I once had to run for shelter when missiles got shot over my city, and my apartment actually had a steel enforced bomb shelter serving as it's third bedroom laundry dumping space.  But seriously, I feel safe in public areas in Israel, because not only is security tight at all public events, but every single citizen has been army trained.  When shit goes down, instead of running from the terrorists people run toward them to fuck them up.  It also makes me feel safe that two armed men sit behind locked gates at my children's school all day.  These dudes would defend my kids with their lives.  I don't know if I would myself.  I'm often glad I have two minis to toss at any danger, as it's a better chance of escape for me.  It probably sounds strange that I feel so safe here - especially because a week before we left, our street was closed off by the police who put on bomb protection outfits and did 'actions unknown' over the road from us.  And yet, it really didn't worry me.  The Israelis mean business, and they take no chances, if there's one thing they know, it's security and disaster relief.  They are the world's best out of necessity.

11.  No Rules:

Prepare for safety

Again the easy going casualness of the shoulder shrug is appreciated when something works in your favour (i.e.  when you continuously crash your rental car into the side of the driveway and talk your way out of being fined when you return the car); and yet simultaneously, the lack of societal structure does you no good when it's against you (constantly getting shoved in front of at the grocery store, unless you go bananas at a particularly pushy woman or two).  My first introduction to this was at a car rental place when we arrived.  My husband pointed out that the car we booked stank of cigarettes and that there was a "No Smoking' sticker on the actual steering wheel.  The young dude looked unmoved and replied "This is Israel.  There are no rules".  We learnt fast.

12.  Krembos:

Melt in my mouth anytime darling

I don't know what these sweet puffy chemical concoctions are, but the way they melt in your mouth when you shove them in whole is extremely satisfying.  Could they be whipped nougat on a plain unremarkable biscuit dipped in chocolate?  Or possibly fairy diarrhoea on a dog biscuit dipped in unicorn poo?  Who cares, they are fucking unbelievable, and I am going to miss them so so much, hopefully they're available on Amazon.

13.  Nightlife:

There I am....!

Its the best.  The absolute best.  There are no curfews so everyone goes out after midnight and parties until the sun comes up.  There are no residential areas (everywhere is residential), no noise restrictions (everywhere is noisy).  It .  Is.  On.  And the booze is cheap.  Alcohol laws are so lax that you can set up a bar in the front of your house by buying a few six packs and pumping some tracks out of your iPhone.  Sometimes there are street parties with DJs cranking it, and beers being sold out of eskies.  Because of the weather, heaps of the partying goes on outside, and in courtyards of nightclubs  Although, some clubs are in the basements of buildings (and were once the building bomb shelter - maybe still are - who would know).  The fun never stops.  Seriously it doesn't.  Enjoy it for me, as I'm far too old and Mumsie looking.  I'm going to miss at least, the knowledge that it exists. 

14.  Hot People:

Undies and guns = yes!

Some people find Italians the hottest race on earth, some the Danish or the Spanish.  Many people find Tasmanians the most gorgeous people on this God given earth and who can blame them?  I however, can't not get over the sheer volume of hotness on the streets of Tel Aviv.  I have never seen better legs sticking out of short shorts, and that's just the men.  It's also an army thing - hot people with guns is something you never get over either.  But they work for it - I've never seen more people exercising in my life than along the boulevard at the Tel Aviv beach - running, riding, skating, playing fucking beach paddle board, doing some stupid hand-holding kind of dancing.  And everyone is all tanned and healthy looking from continuous all year sunshine.  It doesnt work that way for me - I'm spottier than a dalmatian eating a packet of 100s and 1000s after 3 years under a Middle Eastern sun.  The hotness around me would be intimidating if it wasn't so enjoyable.  Hell, you don't even have to go outside, just follow 'Hot Dudes And Hummus' on Instagram.  The only saving grace is that after 40, following too much sun, ciggies (and hummus) they all go to seed.  Then the chicks have massive amounts of procedures and boob jobs, and before you know it you're a 60 year old slut.  It's a popular look, I might go there myself one day.  Granny sluts are hot.

15.  Attitude To Life:

Woo Hoo - we're SO fucking happy (how did they get the dog to jump?)

Life is precious, family is most important and peace can be fleeting.  Enjoy your time while you can, because who knows what is round the corner.  I really think that Israelis live in the present moment more than any other nation - even though their existence as a nation is under threat, not to mention often international condemnation.  But their enjoyment of life, and the pure joy they savour from their national identity is inspirational.  Israelis know how to live, and their pleasure from the simple things in life runs through everything they do. 

And Finally.....

There are a myriad of other little things, and also larger things that I will always miss about Israel.  I haven't really expressed my love for my darling friends and family here - but I know they know how much they mean to me and always will, so I'll leave it at that for now.   I haven't mentioned the weather (for 9 months of the year), the baby hedgehogs that populate the bushes on the outskirts of the cities, the incredible nature, the produce from Kibbutzes, cheap avocados, Waze, old people, the Dead Sea,  single ciggies sold in stores, the beauty of the desert, Israeli cafes, cheap and freely accessible alcohol (I feel like I've already mentioned this), wearing shorts and t-shirts at night and never getting cold....it goes on and on.  Yes, there may have been moments when I have sat in unbearable traffic in my car and screamed "Get me out of this fucking country".  And there have been plenty of times when I've cursed the grime and the filth that invades everything, and been disgusted by the haze and disturbed by the sandstorms; but all in all I've had the experience of a lifetime, and one my children, my husband and myself will never forget.  

Thanks for having me Izzy - I miss you already.

Let's blow this popsicle stand.....