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| Beautiful and Amazing. The ancient monument in the background is also not bad. |
There's one way to make Israel look really clean, organised and 'normal' in 3 days - just pop over the border into one of the surrounding Middle Eastern countries for a quick vay kay. In this case we elected for the southern border crossing at The Red Sea into Aqaba. It's pretty amazing really - two major cities - Eilat in Israel, and Aqaba in Jordan - which are pretty much right smack bang next to each other on the shores of The Red Sea, but were bitter enemies for quite some time. And let's face it, they're still not exactly bosom buddies. The official peace deal was signed in 1993, but the citizens still pretty much hate each others guts. Killing each other's grandads will do that to people I guess.
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| Palm trees and desertscapes |
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| Just tell me they'll be over it before they're 15 |
It was Purim holidays here in Israel. This is basically the most fun holiday of the year, and I included a discussion of it last year so I won't go into details really. In a nutshell - dress up and get pissed (apart from the kids - they are strictly step one only). This year my daughters went as (surprise surprise) Anna and Elsa from Frozen. They have been wearing their costumes everyday since Christmas, so they were held together with dirt. I successfully soaked them - losing 3 kg of glitter down the plughole - so at least they didn't look like the grunge versions of Disney's latest darlings. Frozen was definitely the prevailing theme this year. Mainly Elsas - Anna doesn't quite hold the same appeal which is devastating to my very own "Anna" who can't understand why she takes a backseat in the costume department. My "Elsa" has the hair and the skin to match as well, so she looked a lot more convincing than all the little brown buttons sporting patchy platinum wigs, and thus got even more attention - her shoes have flashing lights in them as well - what a spoilt brat.
*For a more detailed look at Purim, feel free to peruse last year's blog on the matter.
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U-huh
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| This is the Purim makeover the girls did on us. Needless to say we didn't leave the house. |
So Purim in Israel was just as all major holidays are here - crowded and expensive in every place and hotel. Well certainly in Eilat (on the Israeli side of the border) they are like this. But spend 15 mins showing your passport to a few dudes holding guns, and coughing up some bucks for the departure tax - then take a 5 minute taxi ride, and you can stay in absolute 5 star luxury for a quarter of the price. It's a win win situation. And it's not often that you can see four counties from the balcony of your hotel room (Jordan, Israel, Egypt and Saudi Arabia). When telling any Israelis you are slipping over to Jordan for the good times, they react with extreme surprise, and express unwillingness to ever do the same. Its not for everyone - getting jiggy wid A-Rabs and all.
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| Break on through to the other side |
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| The Red Sea - you know, the one that God parted for Moses as he fled Egypt with all the slaves...... |
There did seem to be a lot of Arab families from various parts of the region hanging out in our hotel, and they were pretty low key and chilled out. They were fairly flush though - the gap between the loaded and broke is even more apparent in poorer countries. If you're staying at a 5-star joint and live in this part of the world, you've got some serious coin. Plus they don't give a rat's arse about discretion - they probably get the wait staff to sprinkle ground diamonds on their Weetbix (apparently it's an effective colon cleanser). Their kids seemed well behaved (and I haven't seen well behaved kids in months so it was glaringly obvious), although at breakfast it was interesting to see how the women and children sat on one table and the men sat separately. Kudos to the men though, I'd do the same if I could. I don't care how many 'pleases' and 'thank yous' you get, kids are still annoying the world over, and that goes double for meal times in a hotel.
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| No bouncing bits while running on the beach - me likey |
I was all revved up to see the women's pool/beach attire - in particular the "burkinis". I realise that I sound voyeuristic and have the cultural sensitivity of a pissed Aussie student in Gallipoli - but it fascinated me. The whole covering up and jumping in water thing. There were certainly plenty of covered bodies by the pool - again, hats off to them, because there was a lot of flesh that really shouldn't have seen the light of day, and could have benefited from a black full body jumpsuit. I'm referring to my own pasty winter baklava flab, and to some of the Europeans who had not only been taking winter snacking to a whole new level but had a penchant for g-string bikinis. It's tough - coming out of the cold of winter and straight into the pool with your bathers wedged up your crack. So, like I said - just go the 'burkini'. It's a forgiving garment.
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| Look how happy they are..... |
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| Nigella Lawson is hearing me loud and clear |
To be honest, all these women could really be onto something in general with the whole hijab/burqa thing. You never have to worry about what to wear, not just day to day, but to weddings, the movies, on a first date. You'd be like - will I wear the black tent or the black tent? They're loose as well, so after a serious pigging out sesh you wouldn't have to undo your top button or anything. Black is flattering too - anyone can wear it and look good. I'm telling you, those bitches are in the know. We think they're all repressed and shit, but they are living the high life - eating chocolate donuts at the breakfast buffet (I saw them with my own eyes carting plates piled high with pastries to their tables, while I sniffed miserably into my apple), never suffering social embarrassment for totally overdressing at a casual barbie and getting your high heels stuck in the grass. The burka is even better. I cannot believe some people want to ban it in western countries. I say make it mandatory - at least on Mondays after you've eaten enough weekend brunch to make all your pants snug. Mandatory Mondays - you've got to admit, it's got a ring to it. Bad hair days would be a thing of the past, and all the teenagers will never have to worry when they cop an excruciatingly bad case of acne either. Plus anyone with a cold sore is good to go. It's the shit dudes, I'm telling you. I say let's all get one on - just think - no more shaving of legs or bleaching moustaches, fanny hairs can sprout freely, no more squats at the gym, no dying your greys every month, no more panicking that stirrup jodhpurs are making a comeback.......is anyone hearing me on this?
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| Vali and Cordi were hip to the benefits of hijab in Morocco at 4 months old - no vomit stains messing up their onsies |
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| "A rose red city half as old as time" |
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| Through the canyon we go..... |
If you're going to go to Jordan - you must of course visit Petra. I think a lot of people have it on their "Must See's" list. I overheard a British woman saying to her mates as she got to the top of the mountain and saw the monastery "Well, we've 'done' Petra". I hate the use of of the term 'done' or 'do' to describe travelling to places. I don't believe you can 'do' a place. But then I'm a shitty cow, so 'do' whatever you like really......
It really is a true wonder of the world, and completely worth baking in the sun, stumbling over rocks and trudging through sand while Bedouin men ask you for a camel/donkey/horse ride about 200 times. Petra was the capital of the Nabataean Empire from about 400 BC to about 106 AD when the Romans came on in and fucked everyone over - as they did regularly, it was pretty much their raison d'etre. Those pesky Romans, they sound like an absolute bunch of cunts really don't they? Though at least they gave us sandals and toga parties - give them their dues. Petra later became abandoned and lay in ruins, 'lost' to the Western World until the early 1800s when some European dude dressed up as a Bedouin, took a jaunt through the area and 'discovered' it. The Nabataeans were some pretty switched on rock carvers; the first glimpse of the most famous sight - 'the treasury' - appears through a gap in the sandstone canyon you must walk through to enter the area. Because of the protected location, the treasury didn't suffer from the erosion that the rest of Petra experienced. It is remarkably well preserved, and is, quite honestly, breathtaking. The Nabataeans used to control a large area of land over Jordan and Israel. They were shit hot at water storage and irrigation (quite important in the desert I would think), and they also carted lots of spices between Petra and Gaza in their day as well. There are a number of ruins of ancient cities that once thrived along this spice route to the coast which are also fascinating. What I think is particularly incredible though, is that it is estimated that only 15% of Petra has been uncovered - which mean that 85% of it still lies underground.
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| Not bad is it Vali? |
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| Minimal howling about all the walking - light sulking at this stage |
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| Hello Motherfucker |
I'd been to Petra once before - when I visited Israel in 2009. My sister and I took a day trip there, and I left my 5 month old cuties with my husband for 20 hours. This was all made that little bit harder by the fact that I was breast feeding at the time and had to pump my boobs at various points during the day. One of these times was actually in the toilets at the Jordan border. Due to extreme pain, I kept our tour group waiting while I pumped out that build up with my trusty battery powered Medela boobie pump. Unfortunately it was pretty noisy in a mechanical kind of way, and when I finally came out of the cubicle, there was a horrified old Jordanian woman staring at me. She then caught sight of the suction cap and tubing part of my breast pump, and her eyes widened even more - I tried to explain what it was and did a kind of boob squeezing charade to help with the explanation. I think this was the last straw for the poor old thing, and she bolted out of there as fast as she could go. When I saw a ute with a giant mounted machine gun pointed straight at me just outside the toilets, I presumed I was about to be executed for public indecency. Luckily it was just your run of the mill intimidation-with-giant-weapons type situation everyone was subjected to, so all was well.
This round, we hired a car in Aqaba and drove to Petra ourselves. It's always a bonus avoiding the whole group tour scenario. They pretty much always suck. It meant we didn't have to hang around with a bunch of strangers and hear old people complaining about how much their thighs chafed or how impossible it was to get a proper cup of tea. To be honest, the guides are pretty average anyway - on the trip to Petra my parents took last year, their guide didn't tell them one thing about Petra and actually pissed off to shag one of the other tourists in a cave as soon as they arrived - not a bad shag spot though, slightly jealous really.
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| Shag spots a plenty - take your pick |
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| "Camel ride for the baby Madame?" |
Being solo meant we had much more time to explore the area ourselves, and were under no pressure to pack up and split. We had time to climb a mountain to view the second most famous sight in Petra (after the treasury) - the monastery. However, not being on a guided tour meant you were constantly pressured to hire one of the local 'guides'. We were also hassled non stop to ride various animals - a disabled horse called Johnny Depp, several intense looking camels, and a few little donkeys with sad eyes (I think they all have sad eyes - it's a feature for their species). Once the kids got wind of the fact that instead of trudging along in the boiling heat they could just be sitting on something, then we were hassled not only by the animal peddlers, but our kids as well. It was relentless. But we managed to hold off, and thus this lead to my 5 year old muffins climbing 950 stone steps up to the top of a mountain. It was an incredible effort - especially considering there were overweight Chinese men riding ancient exhausted looking donkeys up to the top, and various other adults looking extremely worse for wear, reclining against rocks and sweating all over their Nikes. It was completely worth it though - what an amazing sight. Although, my girls were much more excited by the abundance of cats cruising around the open air tea house at the summit.
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| Its a long way up for two sets of stubby little legs |
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| Ginger Kitties shit all over Ancient Wonders |
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| Whatevs....... |
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| Back to the cats.....and Jordanian flag waving |
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| That is a self satisfied smile if ever I saw one |
Once we got to the bottom, it had been 3 hours of constant donkey ride harassment from Solomon and Muhammad who followed us all the way to the top of the mountain and then back down again. We'd be bent over sweating and panting, and we'd hear "You want donkey ride NOW?? Huh Huh do you do you? We have donkey - only 7 dinas". Then the girls would start "Please Mummy PLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE can we ride the donkey, I'm so tired, Muuuuummmmmyyyy". I'm telling you, I nearly jumped off the mountain just so I wouldn't hear the word 'donkey' ever again. By the time we got to the bottom and faced another 2km uphill walk in the sand, we broke. The girls got their donkey rides after all, and they were pretty pleased about it. I was less pleased. There was no way I was riding one though - those poor animals. God, I hope that they got a feast of apples at the end of the days or something. They were looking pretty tired, and probably destined for the pet food factory or something. I pretty much hate animal rides, like I hate zoos and circuses.
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| More shag caves...... |
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| Bride of ISIS |
The constant joke we now hear from all Israelis after our little jaunt to the Arab world was "How many camels did they offer you for the girls?'. Seriously it's a common theme. Also there's been a few shocked responses to Cordi riding a donkey with a young guy who is commonly assumed to be a terrorist type. Jesus, the poor guy just likes black, and it's really dusty there ok - dude needs a face covering. The young Bedouin donkey dudes were were really nice actually (well, once they got our money they were particularly friendly), and didn't make any pervy comments about me or the girls - in English anyway. Although one guy did keep calling Vali 'Shakira'. I guess the last time I saw Shakira she was thrusting a wall with no pants on and humping Rhianna. So, now I come to think of it, that can't be good can it?
Talking of Shakira and Rhianna humping each other - Jordan wasn't as conservative as I imagined it would be. Jordanian MTV was the hotbed of tits and arses it is worldwide. Although on MTV in Jordan, not only are any sex words blanked out, the word 'drunk' is also blanked out in tracks - and in movies too actually. Actual sex stuff of course, is also blocked out. No just the naked body rubbing, but the whole scene from where the guy knocks on the door at the chick's apartment, until when he leaves after the deed is done. Twenty five minutes on the cutting room floor - the movie didn't even make sense after that. But for us tourists - it all seemed pretty casual in regards to the covering up. As I mentioned previously, it was partially naked bodies galore around the pool and on the beach, and even in the town the tourists were getting around with a bit of skin on display. I will say though, that all the men were having a good old look, and they didn't look away when you sprung them. I was in a long skirt and long sleeves as well so there was nothing to see. There were a few instances when I had an urge to make the blowjob motion, or lick my lips disgustingly at a particularly dedicated stare bear. Luckily I fought it off - it's like when you're seated in the exit row on a plane, and consider opening the emergency door just so you can see the resulting carnage. Of course you wouldn't really see anything, as you would be the first to be sucked out into oblivion, but regardless, it's still tempting.......
Three days isn't really enough time to get to know much about a country though - I will say one thing though, on first glance, Jordanians are incredibly friendly and polite, and they love a kid. The customs officer actually planted a kiss on Vali, much to her horror. I laughed at the time. I think it was just a kind of shocked reaction, but what the hell was I meant to do? The dude had his finger on the trigger of a large automatic weapon, it was not the time to scream kiddie pervert. Anyway, we are planning many more overland trips to Jordan while we are here. It might be a handy escape route anyway, as Bibi Netanyahu has just claimed a 4th term in office as Israel's prime minister, and God knows what will become of us all. Fear makes people do the most stupid things. It's not a popular result in Tel Aviv, where the people voted overwhelmingly for the more tolerant, leftist, labour party. In fact, one of my friends joked that she was sitting shiva (going into mourning) for the death of Israel. Let's just hope she's not right, and Israel really can work towards reaching a peace settlement with the Palestinians, just as one was reached with the Jordanians - which was an unthinkable scenario 30 years ago. More than ever we need to pray for resolution regarding all the intense issues in this country.......mainly because I just officially became an Israeli (well at least a temporary one), and I'd prefer not to be annihilated......and yes, I guess for world peace and regional stability in general......
Besides, I'd really love to take a trip to Gaza - I hear the beaches are stunning.
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| Do you think it matters that I can't read a word of my own ID? |
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