Giving Up

Home, sweet darling home

Just before I left Israel in June, I felt like somehow my life was a bit out of control.  Not out of control like a runaway train or anything - more like when you are driving really fast on a road and keep narrowly missing obstacles.  I had a sort of almost manic air of self destruct about me.  Daily drinking never does me any favours for one.  And I don't even need to mention the facial injuries yet again, or the 5am stumble out of a nightclub evenings, or the hangovers.  Oh god, the hangovers.  I actually even started smoking cigarettes again.  It took me by surprise.  I haven't had a ciggie since a month long dalliance with the stupid things during the 'Summer of Spain' in 2006.  But cut to a fair few drunken nights out in Tel Aviv, which somehow lead to a few drags, and before knew it I was popping out to the local convenience store and buying singles to take home and smoke on the bathroom window ledge wearing a shower cap and a pair of latex gloves, and then giving myself a perfume shower so I wouldn't get sprung later by my husband.

This is her grotty balcony (cushions to the left next to dish looking thing)

I'm pretty sure I looked exceeding stupid, but luckily the old lady who lives in the apartment block directly opposite us is half blind (probably not so luckily for her though I guess).  And she is also crazy.  I met her in the street one day after trying to explain to her that our two couch cushions have been on her roof for two months (since a windy spell blew our couch cover and 6 cushions all over the neighbourhood never to be seen again).  It turned out she hadn't seen them because she has a sight impairment, and is basically deranged.  I used to wonder why she would always walk outside in a grotty singlet and her very old pair of skin coloured underpants.  It was a mistake chatting to her that day.  For a start we couldn't communicate properly, but she still managed to hold me in awkward misunderstood conversation for 25 minutes.  She hadn't seen the cushions of course.  Had no idea what I was talking about.  Instead she told me about some table that the couple who used to live in our apartment had delivered to her house one day.  I mean she really went into detail here, I just couldn't work out if the conversation was ever going to stop.  I kept breaking it off, only to get followed to my door with intense descriptions about the size of the thing.  Apparently it was very, very large. I guess it would be a nuisance in a tiny apartment.   I do wonder now if we'll ever get our cushions back. They just lie there, exposed to the elements, a mere 10 metres away, taunting me with their close but unattainable presence - held captive by a crazy blind lady with horrible undergarments, and I just can't get truly comfy on the balcony sofa.

Come home my darlings.....

So it was time to give the durries away again, stop boozing, get my shit together and freshen up - and what better place to do it than a tropical island.  As we indulged in a very laid back lifestyle, and had no social life what-so-ever, it was also easy to eat mainly raw foods, not drink, and be a total health freak.  Its such a pattern for us, I like doing it so much, and the great feeling a lifestyle like that has on you ends up extending for about 2 months - even once you start the inevitable slide back into the re-tox of everyday life and social commitments .

Freshness is (was) miiiiiinnnnneeee

But since returning home to Tel Aviv I have been somewhat focused on more ways of giving up.   Celebrity website viewing, manicures, buying fashion magazines, picking my nose, finding excuses not to write, wasting my time, sleeping in everyday, using so many full stops in a row whenever I write anything; These are all under new current restraining orders.  I am also trying to cut back on time spent on social media.  I am currently on once a day, soon I will change it to 3 times a week and eventually 1 time a week, and then maybe just once a month (ahhhhhhhh).  I think its a good plan, I've been getting far too carried away with it of late.  I'm annoying myself, so I extend my deepest apologies to everybody else too.

So so good to come back to

It is great to be home.  I realise that I'm not breaking new ground by constantly saying this - but I can't get over the feeling.  This has been the first time we have left for an extended period of time, and actually returned to a home of our own.  It really is a new experience.  Usually we would pack up our lives into 3 suitcases and move onto to the next rental.  You would compare the new rental with the last one - feel a little disdain at the dirty drawers of cutlery, and the Teflon peeling pots and pans, and try not to think about how many heads had lain down on the pillows.  Sometimes being in a hotel is worse.  Even though they clean it much better, and the sheets and pillows look really white and much newer than in some rental places, the deep filth would be penetrating.

Really having a go

There would be a greater number of randoms passing through a hotel room for sure.  That's more stranger's pubes, hairs, skin particles, mites that eat skin particles.  See what I mean - it's a gross thought.  And there are other annoying things about hotels.  Too many "hellos' to stupid people whenever you step a toenail outside your door (staff or guests, they are all equally irritating - grovelling versus icy aloofness - take your pick) .  Those stupid mini bar fridges are always shoved full of excessive amounts of overpriced drinks too (don't ever get pissed at a bar and come home and crack the mini bar champagne and ring Australia from the bedside phone, I beg you).  You can never fit a thing inside them even if you unpack the drinks completely. You always eat the $16 chocolate bar - every night after they're replaced, and you always spend a sizable chunk on hotel bottled water.  Fuck you Fiji.    There's always crappy tea bags but never any milk.  But all of this doesn't matter.  My top advice to all and sundry is this;  Never, ever use a hotel coffee machine.  I am totally disturbed after seeing some TV show where hotel cleaners described the worst things they ever had to deal with in hotel rooms.  By far the very worst was one poor woman who had to clean out a coffee machine that someone had done a poo in.  Can you believe it?  That takes a serious amount of wanting to be a total cunt just for the hell of it.  It also takes a lot of manoeuvring to get your bum to a coffee machine.  It's possible he unplugged it and took it to the bathroom I guess.  Or she - "women are just as dirty as men.  Women are filthy".  (David Brent, The Office).  Staff wouldn't bother to clean it though would they?  They'd just chuck it - oh please say they'd chuck it.  Unless it was a Nespresso machine - they're pretty expensive, but then again you'd have to be a contortionist to get an on-target drop-off into that tiny pod hole.

Will this sight ever be the same again?

Here's a special shot to brighten your days

Now, re-intrigued by this topic I decided to further investigate hotel room grossness.  The poo flavoured coffee wiped out all the other examples I'd heard on the rest of the show, so I had to do a little Google action for some new inspiration.  Some poor 14 year old sucker described how she went to clean a room and the entire bed was soaked in blood, and that she also found several bloody pads shoved in the half melted ice bucket (told you women were filthy).  There are a lot more poo ones - someone hiding a poo in the tissue box (again - how the hell would you get it in there?).  A mobile meth lab was another discovery, hundreds of maggots, rotten food, a python, a completely vomit and poo covered room that had to be totally refurbished (or are they just saying that, and just got a crate of Mr Sheen on the job?).  Dead bodies made an appearance, vomit covering the inside of an oven in a rental property (that is another example of a certain dedication to the act of being a bastard), but pretty much it's basically lots of piss, blood and poo (one arsehole left a note for the hotel maid saying 'I pissed everywhere except the toilet, enjoy cleaning it up').  There's no way they replace the furniture every time either.  So, enjoy your next hotel stay everyone.

Someone's happy

To go home to your own filth feels so much better.  Plus, I've always been willing to use toilets and rubbish bins for my bodily excrement, and I encourage my family and guests to do likewise.  And even though we have accumulated a hell of a lot of stuff since shacking up here, which freaked me out a little (accumulation sneaks up on you slowly and is all encompassing) that is also kind of nice.  So many more outfits to choose from, our own books, the crumbs in the toaster are ours and nobody else's.  I also  have heaps of plastic take away containers - and a million lids none of which fit any of containers.  Ahhhhhhhh.  Even my 5 year old daughter said to me the next morning "Mum, isn't it nice to have our own little things around us?" It really is my darling little poppet .

I have started spring cleaning though.  When you get used to going through your stuff every couple of months it feels strange to just let it hang around.  The bathroom drawers, what the hell? Never has there been seen so much useless shit hanging around never getting used.  I'm suck a sucker for stupid chemist items sometimes, I really am.  And my hairs, don't forget them.  How do so many of my hairs get some many places?  So many of them can't keep falling out at that rate without leaving me bald in some patches.  I love that stand-up skit by Jerry Seinfeld who says that when the hairs are attached to the head, you love them.  You stroke them, compliment them on their luxuriousness, play with them.   But as soon as one of those hairs gets free, it becomes the most disgusting thing on the face of the earth.  It's so true.  I really can't stand hairs left in hair brushes.  Especially someone who uses your brush and doesn't remove their hairs.  Or hairs that wrap around your fingers when you're taking a dip in your local pool.  All kinds of filth there.  Or a hair on your toothbrush.  That is horrible.  Don't even go there on hairs in food either.  Sadly I am a terrible culprit.  Every time I cook it's like the penny in the Christmas plum pudding.  Who is going to be the one who ends up with my hair"  Because someone always does.   Its a genetic thing too.  My mother and sister have learnt the hard way, and I have often spotted the two of them wearing shower caps when they prepare anything a multitude of people might be planning on eating.

Facemasks, gloves and headscarves at every stand

I think the two of them might have been Japanese in their past lives.  The Japanese are the most concerned with cleanliness that any other race on earth.  All the workers in food halls are basically wearing quarantine suits and head pieces while they make sandwiches and pass out cake samples.  It's comforting.  Then again, some of them are pretty kinky too so I wouldn't completely trust your Tokyo deluxe hotel suite come to think of it.  And who really knows what they do with those gloves while on a their 15 minute breaks.  It's the opposite of Israeli in that country.  Here you'd better hope those digestive juices are strong.  There are so many displays of open food (that you'd never get a permit to serve in Australia), and various dodgy looking dudes cutting up your borekas with cigs dangling out of their lips.  Not a hair-net in sight, or a glove to be honest.

Really truly the worst

I'll tell you what though - I have other issues on my hands.  Far, far more serious than a pube on my toothbrush.  School holidays.  My children are currently like caged tigers due to my refusal to take them outside in the day.  Seriously I can't even go to the beach - the sand is so incredibly hot.  It scalds the bottoms of the feet.  I'm not exaggerating, you get tenderness.  Sick of the glitter apocalypse my house has become thanks to a tattoo set they got for their birthday, I took them out of the house and along to the LEGO show at the port two days ago  It was one of the worst outings of my life.  Crowded, boiling hot (in some hanger without proper air conditioning), psychotic children, over priced LEGO, queueing in the sun to get in.  Highlights included; my children getting smothered in some cheap allergy inducing make-up by some woman (Cordi chose neon yellow lipstick, purple eyeshadow and orange cheeks - ok then), Vali fending off a psychotic baby (soaked in its own piss) trying to bash her with a fry pan while the mother chatted on the phone, the only food and drinks available were fairy floss and slushies, the exit was another "high"light - as it was through a gift shop with LEGO selling at 4 times the usual price, and finally, one of the initial star attractions was a tiny LEGO model of The Iron Dome (rocket defence system - responsible for keeping Israelis alive over the last 5 weeks).  I will never go anywhere again.  For the love of god bring on the start of the school year.

And yet - unmoved

Work it Cordi

Psychotic baby in foreground (before the shit got real)

I think they could have done better to be honest

This is how I felt the entire time

So now, what comes next?  To get on with life again I guess.  Currently my immediate plan is to sit on my balcony at 4.30am, and reflect on how fortunate I am in my life (with the help of a 'green moment'.  It for my glaucoma ok - the medical stuff is legal here).  I never even knew what glaucoma was, until about two days ago - despite the constant jokes about using pot as a treatment option for that particular condition. I thought maybe it was something to do with blood sugar levels.  Actually, it's for damage to the optic nerve, so there you go.  Also it's yet another item I should add to the Give Up list (green moments not glaucoma).  What a bore.

But back to the reflecting I plan to do; I'll start now - lately Ive been struck with how I manage to move with such ease between places, never for one second imaging that I would be refused entry into any country I wished to go to.  I've never been persecuted against because of who I was born as.  My life and the lives of my family are as safe and secure here (touch wood!), as they are anywhere I choose to be.  It really doesn't seem fair sometimes.  It seems such a cliche thing to say, but you really do have to treasure your moments don't you? Sometimes you forget too, and then you just walk around kind of empty without really wondering why, or even noticing.  That's another thing I'm going to give up.  I'm going to give up forgetting to treasure my moments.  I just hope I can remember my latest self imposed item for dismissal when my child wakes me up by slapping me in the face far too early to ask me some annoying question like this morning's little one "Mum - why do caterpillars have so many legs".  "So they can run away super fast from their caterpillar mummies who want to murder them for waking them up at dawn sweetie pie".  I also think I should concentrate on giving up going to bed so late.  I've been blaming the jet lag, but now I suspect I've just got an attitude problem.  But at least I can look on the bright side.  A whole blog entry without a single row of full stops.  This has got to be a first.  Told you I was determined (next I'll work on my over use of brackets and exclamation marks - and hyphens -)!!!

There's no fucking way I'm giving up posing or selfies

At it again…...

Sizzlingly Boilingly God Dam Unrelenting Heat

Holy Christ is it ever hot here.  I haven't been here in August before, but I'd heard the rumours and it's every inch as sweat inducing as was said.  The kind of heat where you can't do anything outdoors between the hours of 9am and 5pm.  With some shade maybe, just maybe, you can get away with it, and you better pray to anyone who will listen that you have a car with air conditioning.  We have to leave our air con on at night because it's impossible to cool the upstairs down in the morning otherwise.  On the radio this afternoon they announced that it was going to get hotter from tomorrow.  I just don't know how that can be possible.  My poor skin.  I am going to come back from the Middle East looking like I spent 10 years in a solarium.  Bugger the age spots, I'll have to get an entire body laser before somebody holds me down and rips my outer layers of skin off in order to create a set of fetching high-end luggage.  Meanwhile, everyone I know is freezing their tits off back home.  Honestly, I would rather be you.  The only time I wouldn't swap sweat for a shiver, is at night when I get to walk around in shorts and a tank top.  That is my favourite bit.  And I do have shocking jet lag at the moment so night time is really my thing these days.  It's 2am now and I feel like having a snack and going for a brisk stroll.

The latest in luxury bags - The Emily Collection

Feeling hot hot hot…..

No wonder there's a war going on.  Everyone has got the major shits up because they're so boiling hot.  Hamas militants are like "Fuck this black balaclava SHIT, I swear if I have to wear it a minute longer I'm going to blow some fucking Israelis up - right that's it, those fuckers are TOAST".  Meanwhile the IDF pilots are like "FUCK it's hot in this cockpit, I'm not quite on target, but I'm just going to offload my bomb now so I can get the fuck out of here and go back to sitting in that paddling pool next to the tank with that sexy chick from unit 12". BOOM….ooops.  The whole war thing is totally understandable when you take the 40 degree temperatures into consideration.

Anyway, another day, another ceasefire.  It went into effect about 2 hours ago, at midnight.  Right before it did, Hamas went a bit crackers on the rocket firing.  We know this because we downloaded an application that beeps when a rocket has been fired and you can then check on your phone where it's expected to hit.  How full on is that?  There's been a LOT over the last couple of days.  But most of them fell, or were intercepted in the south of Israel (still highly populated areas), with only a couple of longer range missiles being fired.  None made it to Tel Aviv.  It's a good thing.

Davie Boy

To be honest - and I know this sounds horrible considering that Gaza is basically a pile of rubble - but if you didn't watch the news you wouldn't really know anything is wrong.  I'm sure that's far from the case in the south of the country though.  It's a lot quieter everywhere in Tel Aviv, and the roads don't have as much traffic, but you just wouldn't notice so much if you didn't know what it was like before.  I think a lot of people stay home as to be near their shelters maybe.  If you are driving and the air siren sounds you have to stop the car and lie down behind something that is facing south. That would be un-nerving.  Though, people have a lot of faith in the Iron Dome, so it's not like the streets are empty or anything.  At the moment there is a similar type of technology being developed called "David's Sling".  This technology is designed to take out longer range missiles more effectively and also for nuclear weapons (!!!).  Israel has these things to consider due to fears of Iran's nuclear program, as it is Iran who is currently supporting, funding, and supplying weaponry to Hamas.  They both have a similar agenda and are pretty keen to get the old Islamic Law 'Sharia' - set up around these parts.  And that's no fun for anyone - well not for gays, women, Jews, Christians, Kurds, secular Muslims…….basically anyone who's not a crazy Islamic religious nutcase anyway.  Luckily Islamic style beards are high fashion right now, all you hipsters will have no issues looking the part.  Fake it until you make it dudes.

Islamic Beard

Hipster beard

When Hamas say that their terms for a permanent cease fire hinge on Israel and Egypt opening their borders again, I'm sure that everyone thinks "Yeah, what's Israel waiting for ??  Just open the borders.  Let those poor people of Gaza get some rice and stuff.  Jesus, just let them out already".  It would be nice if that was all they wanted to do.  The trouble with Hamas is that they don't want the borders open to help their people.  They want the borders open so they can get their hands on some more serious weapons, because what they really want is Israel.  They want the entire country, and they want every single Jew killed.  By their own frequent admission.  And they won't be happy until they get it.  Then they probably won't be happy then either and will have to find some more people to kill.  

This jet is good and well, but where's my stash and that hot chick?

If they wanted to help their people, they would have used their weapon budget on providing basic needs for their fellow Gazans. Also, all the aid money that has been pouring into the region for quite some time could have built schools, hospitals and housing instead of lining the pockets of the leaders and helping with the stockpiling of rockets.  Make no mistake, the leaders of Hamas are not in Gaza throwing their lot in with the rest of the poor suckers.  They are zipping around in private jets, amassing property in Europe and possibly snorting coke out of virgins cracks (just practising for the afterlife). They could have spent it on a few bomb shelters for the kids too if they are determined to shoot rockets all over Israel, because they know how that goes.  They have only started 3 wars with Israel since 2005. 

Here's a happy group shot of the Hamas Leaders

What's a one sided article without some giant red writing to back up your point?

They also could have used the Israeli donated concrete for housing and schools as was intended.  They certainly wouldn't have used it to build an intricate tunnel system under Gaza and into Israel if they really gave a toss about the Gazans.  I saw some comment from someone saying "Oh they built those tunnels to smuggle in fruit".  I'm sorry but the last time I checked you didn't need syringes full of anaesthetic, handcuffs and stockpiles of weaponry to subdue a few oranges.  And contrary to widespread belief, Israel has not occupied Gaza since Hamas came into power.  Israel even tried to give Gaza back to Egypt long ago during the peace talks when they gave back the Sinai.  Egypt was like "No fucking way do we want that shithole".  So Israel was like "Fine we'll keep it, what the fuck".  So in 2005 when Hamas became not just a religious terrorist organisation, but the government in Gaza, Israel completely pulled out of the area and forcibly booted out 12 000 Jews who were living there.  They left behind them a complex infrastructure of green houses, farms, irrigation and other developments that could have been extremely beneficial for the Gazans.  However, Hamas burnt and destroyed it all.  "Euuughhh the Jews touched it - burn it, burn it all!!!" 

So there's also been a lot of talk on Facebook about reinterpreting the Hamas charter - "Surely they don't mean they want to drive all the Jews into the sea - does anyone speak Arabic, I think we need to clear that up".  For fucks sake - they couldn't be clearer about their plans for Israel and all the people that live there.  But one of the best examples of "Let's let Hamas off the hook" came from Russell Brand who compared Hamas both to Ghandi and to Nelson Mandela.  Russell, seriously - I honestly thought he had a clue.  The whole raison d'être for Ghandi was non-violent action for the liberation of India, and while old Nelson dabbled in a bit of sabotage in his younger days, he expressly stated that his targets were symbolic - mostly government buildings, and not against civilians. Russell's a funny guy, and seems to fancy himself as a voice of the people.  But he should stick to heaping shit on people and cracking jokes.  I sat near him on a plane into New York once.  He is seriously tall. He's got that sort of sexy filthy thing going on - but I'm sure he stinks a bit.  He looks like he does.

That is some serious Fuck Hair

I am also in awe at the casually thrown around use of the word "genocide" used to describe the tragic loss of life in Gaza.  To claim this is genocide is insulting to real victims of genocide.  Genocide in it's most narrow view is defined is a systematic wiping out of a racial group.  It is pretty obvious that is not happening in Gaza.  And if that is the true intentions of the IDF they need to step their game up.  They've had more than a month and the world's best weapons to kill everyone.  A pretty shitfull performance really if genocide is their agenda.  In my home state - Tasmania - our ancestors participated in one of the most thorough examples of genocide ever seen in the history of the world (and that is a shameful fact). Lovely.  We totally succeeded in killing off the indigenous population completely and totally.  We destroyed an entire race of people.  All gone.  Yet I'm sure everyone sleeps soundly in their beds at night satisfied that it happened too long ago to give a shit about it.  I remember once my grandmother found an old diary from one of her ancestors.  She was so excited and proud, until she read the entry from great uncle Charlie that went - "I shot an Aborigine today".  The diary didn't get much of an airing after that.  No one in the family ever mentioned it again.  There isn't a country on the face of the earth that doesn't have blood on it's hands in some form or another.  That isn't to justify the current situation, but I am of the opinion that Israel faces a scrutiny that no other country is subject to.   Other countries feel no qualms in carrying out military operations in countries far far away from their borders, and are subject to far less examination and condemnation.  

The Separation Wall - It goes on for miles

The reason now that the borders are closed, which is also the reason there is a dirty great wall between Israel and the Palestinian territories, relates chiefly to Israel's security.  The whole rationale given when the wall was built was that is was intended to stop the wave of suicide bombings that rocked Israel for 15 years.  And it worked as intended.  During the 90's and early 2000's, there were over 170 suicide attacks that killed hundreds and hundreds of Israeli civilians and injured thousands and thousands.  Of these 170 attacks, Hamas claimed responsibility for 97 of them.  

The Dizengoff Mall 

Two of the suicide attacks that resonated with me, because they targeted children and teenagers, and also because they are very close to where I live, are described next. 

To the left is a photo of the Dizengoff centre.  I go here quite a lot. 

In 1996 on the eve of a Jewish children's dress-up holiday called Purim, a Hamas suicide bomber blew himself up outside with a 20kg nail bomb, and killed 13 Israelis - many of them young teenagers dressed in costumes, and one pregnant woman and her unborn child - and injured 130 more.  This was the fourth suicide bombing in 9 days. 

All that remains of The Dolphinarium today

This is a photo of the remains of the Dolphinarium Discotheque on the Tel Aviv beachfront.  In 2001 a Hamas terrorist, after taunting the victims, blew himself up outside killing 21 Israeli teenagers and injuring 132 more.   Witnesses say that the body parts were piled up on top of each other on the footpath.  Most of the victims were under 20 years old.  

Starting them young

So you can understand the reluctance of Israel to deal with a group that has homicidal tendencies towards it's children, because unlike Israel, Hamas deliberately targets Israeli civilians.  When I see news reports or hear statements such as "Israel is deliberately targeting children" it just seems a stupid thing to say.  

Israeli forces are fighting a group that uses guerrilla tactics in an urban setting amongst a civilian population. They are up against it.  

There is evidence to show time and time again, that Hamas deliberately endanger their civilians.  They fire at Israeli forces from densely populated areas and retreat before Israel attacks back.  It is also debatable that casualty statistics are accurate.  This a typical strategy used used time and time again by Hamas.  Human rights groups acknowledge that people killed by Hamas as collaborators, and people who die naturally or perhaps through domestic violence are counted as well.  This is not to say in anyway that the numbers of civilians that have been killed and injured are not cause for concern.  Of course they are.  I just question the actions and of the terrorists against the well being of their civilian population, and I support the assertion that the truth is manipulated to further the cause of Hamas (and Iran) who are well aware of the support their movement has among Arabs worldwide, and also among young Westerners. 

And meanwhile the IDF  - who are not "just soldiers" - they are fucking hot soldiers alright  - fight under extremely difficult circumstances where buildings, tunnels and houses are booby trapped,  schools, mosques and homes harbour weapon stores, and even animals are strapped with explosives.  It's a dirty war, and a nasty business. 

See where I'm going with this hot thing….my god

See, the IDF are kind to kitties too

So will the ceasefire hold this time?  I seriously hope so.  But for how long?  It seems like the negotiations just go nowhere.  And where can they go? While Hamas is in power, Israel won't open the borders, and neither will Egypt.  Hamas will keep smuggling weapons from Iran and prepare for the next war with renewed vigour and weaponry technologies,  while the Gazans will continue to suffer.  Most people in Israel expect that nothing will change.   One thing is for sure  - serious shit is going down all over the place.  The lightning paced advance of ISIS (now simply called IS or Islamic State) throughout Syria and Iraq has surprised the world, while the ethnic cleansing of Christians and the Kurds in Iraq is shocking in it's brutality,  - this is some scary scary shit.  As the only democratic and westernised country in the region, Israel is right on the frontline of the battle against religious fundamentalists, and that is no exaggeration.  While many people living far away think that this will not effect their lives any time soon, they are wrong.  As Sam Harris stated in a recent article I posted, 'the truth is, we are all living in Israel. It’s just that some of us haven’t realized it yet'. 

Up Up……..And Delayed…...

Jump little Lambies

Making the most of it

That's the thing about paradise - you just can't stay there forever (unless you're dead of course, and provided you make it in the first place……honestly, not convinced on my own behalf…..).  But I'm talking here about paradise on earth of course, and if you stayed in this glorious place forever it wouldn't even be paradise anymore.  But having the Caribbean waters on your front doorstep, being warm all the time, and just walking a few steps and slipping into the sea on an almost empty beach at your leisure, is something you could possibly never take for granted.  What a luscious life.  And now for some photos to make you all rock in the corner in your ugg boots and fleecy hoodies.

Balcony view

Sunset swims

Warning: Bathers shot

As clear as bath water

Beachside pad

Ahhhhhhhh

See, told you.  It's almost disgusting.  Now go and pour hot chocolate in your eyeballs and burn the image of me frolicking in my bathers out of your mind forever.  Just don't make it a Max Brenner hot chocolate.  If you're boycotting Israel, Max is the first to get slammed (shame - their hot chocolates are unbelievable).  But might I suggest instead to piff out your iPhone's if you're really serious about sticking it to Israel - a lot of the chips were developed in Israel.  What? Too inconvenient???? How about your computers then - many of the central components are Israeli designed ……come on, think about those total Israel-loving Intel bastards and heave that politically incorrect essential technology.  Shit! I mentioned the war - so didn't plan to this update, but what can I say?  I live and breathe it these days, and will continue to do so long after so many people stop giving a fuck what is happening here and focus instead on the 12 000 Syrian kids that have been killed and tortured, or the rape and murder of Christian girls by Boko Haram (by the way, the name of this Islamic fundamentalist group translates as "Western Education Is Forbidden") in Nigeria, or how about the extermination of the Yazdi (non Muslim Kurds) by ISIS in Iraq.  That last example is actual genocide of an ancient ethnic group that predates Islam.  That's if anybody cares to the same extent that they care about the civilians in Gaza (I'm not saying you shouldn't care, I'm just wondering why the focus over humanitarian concerns doesn't extend beyond this in many cases).  Where are the street rallies??  I'm yet to see one FB post about any of these other atrocities which are happening simultaneously with the conflict between Israel and Hamas - actually I have seen one post about the Yazdi, by a friend of mine who is one of the only people I know who is consistent with her conscious.   (WOW, what a first class bitch I've become over this…...really, I surprise myself).

Dogs.  Delicious Over-processed Dogs.

It was time to go home.  We had extended, and extended and extended our tickets - it was costing us a fortune.  We arrived in New York, sucked it up and locked in our homecoming dates.  But not before prancing around the greatest city in the world for a few days.  The end of summer sales - what can I say except "pass me the credit card baby, I am off to do some serious damage".  There's just so much choice, it can be overwhelming.  How do you decide - between the thousands of cool shops - where to buy your black skinny jeans, or where to get a shoulder bag?  I'll tell you how to do it.  Pre-planning and research.  When your time is limited you must be focused and prepared.  Don't just wander - if it's specific loot you are after, you must put in the ground work.  You need items of interest, shop names, addresses and googlemaps on your iPhone. Commit yourself 100%, you must tackle the mission head on and take no prisoners.  Never forget that it is not fun.  Not one bit.  It is an exhausting shit fight in the depths of the darkest festering swamps in the most desolate places on earth.  Just pushing your way through the surging crowds is a trip to hell and back.  But whatever you do - don't forget to drink water.  Throwing cash in the air is seriously dehydrating.  Ok, it's really one of the greatest experiences ever - I'm just creating an atmosphere here people, is it working?

Thanks Sue! You make it all possible.

Bloomingdale's!

An Apple in the Big Apple

Scooting in the park

Scooters are GREAT in the city (thanks Jodie and Simon)!

Sweeties for a Sweetie

But you can see this overload of choice and the effects it can have on children most of all.  We took Vali and Cordi to FAO Schwartz - arguably one of the greatest toy shops around - and told them they could choose 1 small toy each.  At first they were running around absolutely screeching their heads off with joy.  Seriously, those screams were piercing.  But then the stress through too much choice kicked in.  Vali had an hysterical breakdown and was weeping "I can't choose, please choose for me Mumma pleeeeeeaaasssseeee".  We had to bundle them out of there.  She really hit the skids.   It was too much.  Apparently this kind of depression, caused by over choice, is a real syndrome and particular to first world countries.  You just don't get the same rates of depression in poorer countries were choice is limited, or non existent.  Interesting.  Decision making is hard, you have to admit it.

Just before the crack-up.  Vali on the edge.

Saaaaaaaavvvveeee us

But at last the day of departure rolled round.  Happily for us, a 3 day cease fire was announced and unlike all the other ones, it appeared to be holding.  We were highly optimistic.  We boarded our flight at 11pm and prepared ourselves for the 7 hours overnight to Madrid.  No sooner were we up in the air with our eye masks on when I was shaken hard by the air hostess, who announced that I had to get my seat back into landing position as we were going back to New York.  Apparently we had a major issue with the hydraulic system (wheels, doors, brakes) that made it necessary to go immediately back to JFK.  The landing was a bit rough, but what was more disturbing was the EIGHT firetrucks zooming down the runway to meet us.  They surrounded the plane.  We were all told to stay in our seats and not move.  Toilet stops were not permitted which was unfortunate.  I seem to be always busting for the toilet in the most inappropriate situations.  They couldn't drive the plane to the gate, so we had to wait for someone to come and tow us.  This took 4 hours.  FOUR hours.

At one stage, some alarm went off, and a man shouted "That's the fire alarm, that's the fire alarm".  Then some idiot woman behind me started screaming "The floor is HOT, the floor is HOT".  Panic filtered through the cabin.  Everyone started getting their shoes on and preparing to flee (which would have been hard as they couldn't get the doors open at that stage).  The crew started rushing to the front of the plane imploring everybody to sit down.  There was an unpleasant chemical smell, and all I could think of was "Noooooo not in the luggage area - my new mini over-the-shoulder red pilot bag - I haven't even used it once".  My husband and children were all asleep through this unnerving incident - although my husband remembers just wishing the beeping noise would shut the fuck up.  I just wished the woman behind me would shut the fuck up.  She had one of those annoying loud voices and apart from scaring the shit out of the entire plane for no reason, she was complaining like she was the only one being affected by all the crap going on.  This complaining from the same irritating bitch also went on and on once we all got off the plane and had to hang around at the gate for an hour to find out what was going on.  I was extremely close to marching up to her and telling her to give it a bone, but couldn't be bothered hauling Vali across the waiting area (well……maybe a bit too gutless too - I save my bitch-like behaviour for the internet where nobody can punch me).

Nobody burns my baby.

Basically they had to put us up in a hotel for the night, and it was unlikely that any of us would fly until tomorrow night - and then it would only be a select few.  Unfortunate.  After baggage collecting (EXTREMELY difficult with two sleeping 20kg sacks of potatoes in your arms) and more waiting around outside (45mins), my husband and I thought our arms were going to snap off.  We argued our way onto the first bus - a 7 seater sent to retrieve 120 people - and got dropped off at the shittiest airport hotel known to man.  It was 5am and we were absolutely buggered.  And of course both our daughters woke up the second we gently deposited them onto one of the two tiny beds.  I cared not an inch.  Earplugs in, and it was off to slumberland - I basically didn't give a shit what they had planned for their early morning activity session.  They could have painted me in Dior BB Cream, I wouldn't have flinched.  Amazingly we were awoken by a phone call to tell us we were on the 5pm flight.  Good.  So off we went (kept everyone waiting as we were last on the bus and got a few dirties from our fellow Spanish passengers).  And at last we were settled in for "Take Two".  This time it was all systems go.  As we prepared to crank it up down the runway, suddenly there was an announcement "Ladies and Gentleman, we appear to have an engine leak, I'm afraid we cannot take off at this time".  I know.  Absolutely unbelievable.  After 2 hours wait, we anticipated that we were going to be offloaded again.  But miracle of miracles, they announced that it was fixed and we were ready for take off.  Are you sure dudes?  Are you sure?  I don't want some engine failure mid flight, like what happened when we flying over Africa last October.

So again, the power up starts off and we head for that runway…….when……."Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry but a passenger is leaving the plane, we have to delay our take off once again".  You have absolutely got to be shitting me.  Half an hour later and four cops boarded the plane and escorted some dude off.  He seemed to be going peacefully, there were no handcuffs or anything.  But the major bummer was that we had to wait yet another hour and a half while they retrieved his luggage.  It wasn't a great thing. The kids were wide awake this time around and absolutely spewing they couldn't watch movies.  Hungry too, and that's never a trip to the land of good times.  I also hadn't eaten a thing all day, or the night before, and I honestly felt like I was going to faint.  Fuck Iberia.  What a shit shit airline.  The tickets were cheap, and I guess you get what you pay for.

Don't do it to yourselves…...

But of course, at long long last we made it to Madrid, quickly transferred, and boarded our flight for Tel Aviv.  I can't deny I had a few moments of crossing all my fingers and toes as we approached the coast from the Mediterranean Sea.  The day was clear, and we came in from the north.  The plane landed without issue, and applause broke out.  From us as well.  Landing safely home this time around was one of the best arrivals I have ever had.  We were lucky too.  After the ceasefire ended the next morning, and Hamas started sending rockets into the south of Israel again, the airport was closed the next day for an hour or so - it was enough time to disrupt 19 flights.

Israel from the air

As we disembarked the aircraft, immediately there was a large white and green sign that said "Shelter" with an arrow.  There weren't many people in the lines coming through immigration which is unusual.  Billboards have been replaced with signs that say "Support Our Troups" and peppy songs on the radio are interrupted to give updates on the situation in the south.  The city seems quieter and the beaches are devoid of the crowds of pre-summer.  I guess no-one really feels like having a good time.  My neighbour told me that it hasn't been a big deal, but then added that a bit of one of the intercepted rockets had landed in our street.  This is why you have to stay in the bomb shelter for 10 minutes after you hear (and feel) the "boom', because you could get hit by pieces of missiles .  But despite our fears, worries and sorrows about the whole bloody mess, it feels so good to be back.

At last.