This one looks like it's saying "Get that pissing camera out of my face"
God damn it I've been on one lately - I've developed a new hobby and it's made me totally sick of myself, so god only knows how everyone else is feeling. It involves sitting up to 4.30am and arguing on Facebook with "friends" or "friends of friends" about the Israel/Gaza conflict. In reality I know it is a pointless activity and it only serves to make me frustrated (and tired), but I just can't help myself. Usually I wouldn't even bother, and initially I blocked a lot of people so I wouldn't be subjected to their prejudices. But something snapped inside of me. I suspect I end up raving, as even I have to admit that my responses are far from punchy. Instead they are long and comprehensive, so determined am I to make my point. But I realise now that I can never win. These people have already made up their minds. They endorse "facts" or links that only support their views, and dismiss any challenges as bullshit and propaganda. Do I do the same? It's highly possible. But I have always succumbed to the fast rule of only believe 80% of what you believe. It saves room for healthy scepticism. And honestly, what would I really know? I'm a 40 year old narcissistic Tasmanian housewife with a superiority complex and a penchant for taxidermy and secret online shopping……….. (no I haven't darling…..).
My truth goes something like this - What is always and of foremost importance to every person (I don't care who you are) is the health and safety of the people you love - your family and friends. I feel absolutely devastated for the citizens of Gaza, and I am totally heartbroken over the images I see daily. They live in hell. But I don't love them. However, right now at this very minute the people in Israel who I do love, with all my heart, are being continuously threatened. They are being threatened in their homes, and in the streets, at work, and in schools. And now some of them are threatened while they are bravely protecting their country, their people, and standing up for their beliefs. They are in danger, and that is what drives me to write what I have been writing late into the night. So there.
Luckily for me - and so many others - is that we have won the location lottery. Meaning that we have been born and have grown up in a place where we have always felt a certain kind of security regarding our own existence - which is something so many people just don't have. Millions around the world have to fight to have that kind of luxury. We can also take a break from, or switch off from events in the larger world at our leisure, and to a certain extent. Feeling secure is something I'll never take for granted again (I hope), and as a new friend said recently - living in Israel is a reality check. I agree with her. It doesn't put me off living there though. I can honestly say that I'm looking forward to going home.
In total exhaustion of all the social media crap, I have been taking time out by doing something that makes me feel simultaneously guilty and dirty inside - looking at pictures of Joan Collins with a wedgie. She's currently on a yacht in the Mediterranean somewhere with some young(ish) studs…. (for all of you who are beyond fascinated to know what Joan Collins is up to - providing you know who she is….Clue = Dynasty - the 1980s).
Oooooo - white's a bold choice Joan
Do I generally give a flying fuck about Joan - hell no. But never-the-less I tuned into my once favourite celebrity website (my shameful secret escapism) - for some pure relief, and to have a look at Joan from some unflattering angles while enjoying amusing commentary such as:
" Joan gave the camera lens BODY, SEX, glamour and several servings of champagne and caviar bloat. This is *Robin Leach’s porn". *Host of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous
A fanny shot in case you swing that way
And my personal favourite;
"Joan Collins is 81 years old and she can still take your man, take your company and take everything you love without even trying".
Bitch sure knows how to work it for a senior
Another thing I have been doing lately is visiting touristic sites for the sake of my children. This is largely pointless as they usually hate it, I definitely hate it, and my husband is catatonic from the hate he feels about activities such as sitting in a small open train with 20 other hate filled tourists and their screaming kids, and going deep inside an underground cave. My kids were howling and complaining the whole time about water dripping on their heads. It's FUN you horrors - you WILL enjoy it.
Caving Cordelia
You little fucker - you and your wistful friend
After deciding that we hadn't been punished enough for our hedonistic current lifestyle, we took off to the Barbados wildlife centre for some quality animal viewing a couple of days ago. The following were the animals that were wandering around with us - monkeys, deer and tortoises. For a start I hate monkeys - I don't trust those little lice infested cunts as far as I can piff 'em. I've seen Planet of The Apes. Those dudes are about planet domination and oppression of our species. I'm sure I've already outlined in a previous post the story of The Great Monkey Attack of '92, when Kate Whitehouse, Anna Doerner and I got savaged by a large group of shit smelling monkeys in Bali. The little fuckers went straight for the kill - we had our nipples bitten and Kate got one to the lip too. I'm telling you it was traumatising. The local dudes watched on as the monkeys came one after the other to tear us to pieces, and the only thing they did was take instamatic photos, and then try and sell them back to us at the park gate as we ran sobbing to our tour bus. I must say though, I seriously regret not buying one of those snaps now - I looked like I was wearing a full body suit made out of monkeys and had a hysterical look of "Somebody fucking HELP me" slapped across my 17 year old face - that shit is all kinds of amusing in retrospect - now that I don't have rabies and everything.
Some see a cute little fuzzball - I see a threat to world peace
The front deer is giving me the bitch stare - relax, I don't want your rotten mangos love
The deer were as deer always are, nervous and twitchy - doesn't take much to make a deer flee the scene. They're jumpier than Paris Hilton's crotch of crabs. They stunk as well - those suckers were no Bambi and it's mother - but they sure make funny faces when they eat mangoes.
It's hard to de-pip a mango when you have no hands
It's like the deer version of "The Scream"
Little Red
The whole place was grotsville really. Further tragedy included some poor old parrots in cages, a strange red bird, and the biggest snake I have ever laid eyes on. I think it could have been a bloody boa constrictor. Vali and Cordi were screaming their heads off as the poor old thing lay motionless in it's large wire cage. There was a sign in large letters that said "Keep Your Fingers Away From The Cage" I like to think that maybe Big Bertha had a little bit of a finger munching fetish in her younger days. I guess you have to do something to while away those long hours - large snakes have a pretty long life span. She didn't look so feisty now though. And again, it really stunk in there. I looked through the cage and I'm sure I could see a look in it's eye that said "Kill Me" - then again maybe it was saying "I want to kill yoooooooou". I was pretty glad that thing wasn't sliding around free with the rest of the menagerie. It could have easily swallowed Vali - I comforted myself with the thought that at least I had 2 children to use as a decoy while I made my escape if anything backfired.
Looks sad? It must be a snake trick - you go in for the cuddle and then…..
As for the tortoises, I have never seen a larger collection of them in the same place. The little waddlers were horny as fuck as well. There were orgies going on all over the place. There was more humping than Tits Up Tuesday at the local brothel. It was actually kind of repulsive - like a big live tortoise porn festival. The girls were like "Mummy, what are they DOING?" Piggyback riding of course darling doesn't it look like fun? Now, I found out something previously unknown about tortoises that day. I had always assumed that the little hard-shelled hornbags were a kind of noiseless animal. But apparently not when they are fucking. They actually sound like ducks quacking - I'm not kidding. They are extremely loud about it too. I thought maybe it was their orgasm sound but it went on too long for that. Unless they practise tortoise tantric sex or something and get those half hour spoof fests going on.
Ooooh baby baby
B-Baby Baby
Push it good
P-Push it real good
When we had our 2 pet tortoises on Bequia, I'm sure they never uttered a sound. They just wandered around the back garden looking for an escape and had the shits from over consumption of mangoes. I'm also sure I never saw Speedy hump Hasty - or vice versa - so it really was a surprise to see them all going for it so rambunctiously. No wonder there were so many there - I'd hate to go back next year. The park owners are going to have to start distributing tortoise condoms to quell the population if that kind of unbridled passion keeps up.
Pretty gross really
Talking of noiseless animals I remember being asked by my kids once what sound a giraffe makes. Of course I had no idea and had to refer to good old google in order to find out that they actually make a bleating noise like a baby goat. How cute. What I did know about giraffes though, was that they have the longest, blackest tongues I have ever seen. Dudes look like they've been eating licorice for a year non stop. I know this because I fed about 6 of them baby green bananas once from a large platform in Thailand. Those tongues are relentless….. Anyway, this brings me to my next point which is - what does the fox say?
Apparently fox costume sales were up by 40% at Halloween that year in America
It was with this genuine sense of curiosity that the Norwegian comedy duo wrote that electronic dance track that was posted on youtube and went viral in July 2013. I'm presume you all know what I'm referring to. "The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?). The first time I heard it I was dumbfounded. When I saw the film clip, even more so. How the hell could this be an actual released track? It's all kinds of ridiculousness…..but just so catchy. My favourite stupid line of the song was;
"But if you meet a friendly horse, will you communicate by m o o o o orse".
I could not believe a person could actually write that kind of shit.
However, as soon as I realised the background story, the stupidity all made sense. The track and film clip were made as a teaser for a comedy skit by two Norwegian brothers - known as Ylvis - who were promoting the new season of their Norwegian talk show. As part of the show they were going to pitch an idea for an electronic dance track to a record producer in America - using a concept that was so obviously bad that it was ridiculous - and thus comedic genius. The previous season of their show they had tried to be popstars in Kyrgyzstan - in central Asia - (knowing they could never make it in the UK or the US), and performed at weddings and had no success - and apparently it was pretty funny. So the next season they were going to try and create the same kind of comedy in America with "The Fox".
The track and film clip were designed, by their own admittance, to amuse a few Norwegians for 3 minutes. I think originally they had another track in mind but thought it wasn't bad enough, so they came up with "The Fox". They released it on youtube, and within a month they had notched up 100 million views (now it's up to 470 million views). It went completely viral all over the world - appearing in the charts of dozens of countries. It got to number 6 on the 100 Billboard chart in America - the biggest thing that had happened to Norwegian music since A-Ha put out "Take On Me" in the 80s (still a classic). They were everywhere - including doing the talk show circuit in America, and performing at concerts all around the world.
They're actually quite hot right?
It would be the Australian equivalent to the "Chasers" making up some stupid song for their show (The Chaser's War On Everything), and it sweeping the world for months. I don't think the Norwegian brothers quite knew what hit them - but they milked it for all it was worth. They must have been pissing themselves to see how much everybody loved that ridiculous piece of crap. They even brought out a children's book (basically it's the lyrics of the song with pictures - I saw it in Barnes and Noble last month). When it was released, it sold out immediately and was the top selling children's book in December 2013). The dudes are funny fuckers as well - I saw them interviewed once and they were hilarious. They were talking about how someone left the following comment on their youtube page about "The Fox";
‘What the f*** is this? It gives me no belief whatsoever in humanity and the music business.’
Both brothers readily admit to the absurdity and agree that is a "stupid song". When asked in all seriousness what inspired the song, they replied "I guess we could have been talking about what kind of noise a fox makes".
I'm with them - I have absolutely no idea what a fox says. I know, I'll just google it tonight - it will further take my mind off having anymore pesky thoughts and opinions about world politics.
I take it back. I take it all back. Barbados is shit hot, and I'm not talking about the weather. Of course my new found Barbadian love did not spring from more time in the windy house. No no no no no. Quite the contrary. We packed up shop and headed for the land of chilled white wine in beach bars. The Caribbean side - the "good side" of the island. This is where the stately mansions preside nestled in acres of manicured gardens, the gentle waves of the Caribbean sea lapping at their doorsteps. This is where you can pay up to $7000 per NIGHT to live the dream. Or more……apparently there are "uber-exclusive" properties for rent. So fancy that they are not even listed, ensuring that peasants like us can't shit themselves over the number of marble bathrooms and perve at the beachside infinity pools online.
This is it's pool close up…...
Roller anyone…..
Pointy
Yep, this has long been a place for the upper class British to spend their vacations. London to Barbados was the only holiday destination the Concorde flew to in the 70 and 80s. In tribute to this there is actually a British Airways Concorde at Barbados Airport in a large shed (apparently they built it around the Concorde, so nowadays I guess they'd have a few issues getting it out). My husband has a bit of a Concorde obsession so we went to check it out. I must admit, it was a good exhibition……..It was by far the fastest passenger plane then, and there's never been another one anywhere near as fast. Bitch broke the sound barrier with it's sonic boom. And because of this it was forbidden to fly over land. The sound was like a bomb going off. Tickets on the Concorde were thousands - like 8000 pounds or there abouts. And that was in 70s money. We got to go inside and have a gander. Seats were pretty shitty - I'd be spewing if I laid down 8 big ones and didn't even get a foot rest. The cock pit was outstanding - and there was no door either meaning that the captain and passengers were one big happy wealthy family. At least you'd know that terrorists weren't going to hijack it they'd be hard pressed to scrape up the dough for a couple of tickets - too busy spending it on illustrated copies of the Koran and homemade explosives…..
Small inside
High tech cockpit
This will do (I promise not to complain anymore)
Anyway the loaded Brits did a good job of keeping all the middle class scum out. Some of them bought up giant amounts of land around the good beachy bits and sold it off to other upper class toffs from London. But scum finds it way in through all the cracks…….and so here we are!!! We managed to find ourselves a pleasant rental (not beachside alas - we haven't got round to spending a grand per evening on beds and walls just yet). It's over the road from a divine beach, and with a pool, and no wind and everything pleasant and nice. Yes, there are staff - a cook and a cleaner - but they come 3 times a week and are minimally annoying. Perhaps a little more annoying was that the next door neighbours bought the adjoining mansion and decided to smash it down the day we moved in, as to extend the garden. They must really love their grass. They've been really going for it over the last week - and the estate agents have been mortified on our behalf. To be honest we didn't really give that much of a shit, but picked up on the fact that we should, so we played up our displeasure somewhat. Few freebie nights, more discounts and a complimentary day trip snorkeling with sea turtles were thrown at us to appease the beast lurking within (don't mind if I do).
Fobbed her off onto Chalks….
Where's the foooooood...
A day trip on a catamaran is always a nice idea in theory - but in reality it's another story. You have to spend the day with a group of strangers in extremely close quarters, find somewhere to be comfortable for many hours of sitting, block the beating Caribbean sun out somehow, deal with boat toilets (I had to get the captain to pump my wee away that almost overflowed the toilet - that was really humiliating - yet could have been worse). Then there's the snorkeling, which again is a great concept, yet a little tricky with 2 five year olds. Vali kept almost drowning me. Even though she had a floaty vest on she kept grabbing onto my arms while I was deep at sea. I'm retarded at snorkeling at the best of times - I always end up with water in my snorkel and mask at really inconvenient times and the sheer volume of sunscreen I wear on my face mixes with the salt water and seriously stings my eyes. It's just not comfortable. Still I saw some giant sea turtles swimming next to me though……it was almost worth it. The other guests were into the booze at 9.30am. By lunch time most of them couldn't swim. Their afternoon was spent passed out with a rum in one hand and getting an oddly shaped sunburn down their left flanks.
Here's one of the pissheads gripping the boat for dear life….
Cordi feeling the vibe…...
So we've been hanging out here, deciding what to do next. We'd love to go home and everything, but currently our city (and country) is having rockets shot at it. Interesting. A pretty good move to be out of the country at the moment let me say. Not so good for all our family and friends though, and although they are used to dealing with this kind of craziness I'm sure it doesn't make it any easier. I mean, I know that we would be physically safe if we returned - but I just can't reconcile myself with the conscious decision to return to a county which is currently fighting a fairly intense war. Apparently Hamas are also firing missiles at Ben Gurion airport. Imagine that. If it's not stressful enough on a plane already, you have to dodge rockets. Jesus.
We have a bomb shelter in our actual apartment. So I would easily be able to get the girls inside if I was at home and the sirens went off (you have 1 minute to do so). But I really don't want to do that. I would have to explain to them what was going on, and I know that they would be frightened. Would they have nightmares? Would there be lasting effects from an experience like that? I recently spoke to a family member who is fortunately out of the country as well, but she said that her friends with kids are really struggling. One of them has a husband who is in the army so she is left alone with 3 little children to round up and get into the bomb shelter at the bottom of their apartment block once the sirens wail. To date, I think that Hamas have sent more than 900 rockets into Israel. And there has not been a single Israeli death. This is not because they are really bad shots (although I think they have actually sent a few into Bethlehem and other West Bank areas so they should really get their compasses out or something - buy a local map before they shoot off again….). This result is because of the amazing technology Israeli has to defend it's citizens. The Iron Dome. It acts like some kind of incredible force field, with an over 90% success rate for tracking and destroying Hamas missiles in the air. It can even predict where the rockets will land and therefore knows to let them go (if they will land in an open field or something), or destroy them. That is brilliant technology.
This is what the Iron Dome looks like - it can be transported on the back of a truck between locations.
In writing this I am more than aware that the people of Gaza are without sirens, shelter and of course without an Iron Dome. It is truly tragic. And in my conversation with Israelis, all of them express distress at this sad fact. Nobody, except the insane wants other human beings to suffer. But what can be done? How can they be helped and how can Israel protect itself from an terrorist organisation that openly declares that it wants to annihilate all it's people at the same time? The solution is far from simple. I'm very envious of people living outside this region who have such a clear cut stance on where they fall regarding Middle Eastern conflicts. I have no such pretensions. People study for years in order to make intelligent assertions regarding Middle Eastern relations. And simultaneously, other people sit behind their computers, thousands of kilometres away passing judgement, perfectly secure in their own protected little worlds, where they will never experience, or have the vaguest understanding of what it's like to fight for your right to exist.
I've never been to Gaza - I have visited Israel a fair bit, and now I live in Tel Aviv. I can never be impartial in this matter. My husband and children are Israeli citizens. Obviously my principle interests lie with Israel's right to defend itself against terrorists who openly declare their desire to wipe Israel and all Jews from the map - heartwarming. My family are Israelis and have lived in Israel all (or most of) their lives. I've been to Arab villages in Israel, and I've met Israeli Arabs - all of them have been extremely friendly and hospitable. I've also been to the West Bank a couple of times, and to Jordan and to Egypt and talked to locals about their political opinions and beliefs. I think a lot of Middle Eastern nations can see what can happen when conditions for local people deteriorate to a point where fundamentalist terrorist organisations like Hamas can take power, and they don't want this to happen in their countries. Hamas doesn't restrict it's activities to attacking Israel from Gaza. They are involved in fighting and deaths in Egypt, Lebanon and also Syria. Therefore, in this particular war, it is not just Israel that wants Hamas destroyed. And meanwhile, the people of Gaza are sandwiched in between. Gaza has a very youthful population. Lots of them are just like young people everywhere. They want to go to uni or to work, to hang out with their friends, to meet cute girls - or boys, to see the world (and change it!), and to be with their families. Many of them want an end to the presence of Hamas in their lives as much as they want an end to the tight controls Israel has over the region that restrict their everyday lives. I feel so sorry for them.
Just one smouldering stare for world peace…...
It's definitely a mess. No wonder I'm confused. I decided that I had to educate myself a little further, actually a lot further, but I'm taking baby steps and currently reading A History of The Middle East. It's pretty heavy - not like reading the Hunger Games or anything. However, I suspect that reading a (reasonably) uncomplicated book in order to understand Middle Eastern relations is like trying to become a lawyer by watching re-runs of LA Law. What a great show by the way - how were those 80s power suits?? In fact I actually decided to become a lawyer after watching this series, but realised after 3 months at Tas Uni that "Arnie Becker" was nowhere in sight. I couldn't afford a powder blue suit jacket with matching skirt either - just had to put shoulder pads in my rugby jumper instead.
As I write this, there is talk of a ceasefire brokered by the Egyptians. No side has agreed to it yet, but to even discuss it usually means that the beginning of the end is nigh (*Although I have just woken up and the latest developments show that Hamas refused to honour the ceasefire). As I sit here in the Caribbean I just can't help but be glad that I am so far removed from the "real world". When we at last go home (if I have my way), everything will be over, and for myself and my girls, life will go on as normal. That makes me feel really bad in a way. I feel like I get to experience all of the good parts of living in Israel without knowing first hand the backlash of the reality of life in the Middle East. It makes me feel distant, and it makes me realise even more that I will never have to come to terms with what it's like to have my existence threatened. But I think that's a good thing, and it's certainly something I want to protect my children from. For at least as long as I can…….But it also means that while I live in Israel, I will never really understand what it's actually like to be Israeli (and certainly not Palestinian). But besides that, and overwhelmingly more, I just hope the cease fire comes quickly for everyone's sake.
Luckily all my children have to worry about currently are crabs coming through the bedroom windows………
I spent a full day in the nude yesterday. A full day. Woke up naked, made my kids breakfast starkers, then did the washing, cleaned the house, read a magazine, checked my emails, had a swim - all remaining true to my nude state. Were there times when I would have liked to slip on a slip? Sure. But once I decided I was going to live out the entire day - from bed to bed in my birthday suit, there was no stopping me. It's good to have goals. That's how our great world evolved. Some may dream to fly across the Atlantic is a shitty old plane with no in-flight service or blankets, some may have always wanted to lead a team of Sherpa's to a certain icy death on the slopes of Everest. Some may spend their entire lives in a laboratory in search for a cure to an elusive disease that has burdened mankind for decades. I myself dreamt of having a day, just one day, without clothes. And I achieved my aim people. Amelia fucking Earhart crashed her plane, piles of people have snuffed it on the world's highest mountain, incurable diseases still claim millions yearly. But my dreams were realised in a day.......
Go nude - all the cool kids are doing it
I asked my 5 year old what would happen if I went to pick her up from kindy in the nude. Her response "Me and my friends would just think you were really strange". Yep, you're going to have that sensation a lot over your life darling, get used to it. My other 5 year old decided she wanted to have a "nude party" with all her friends - plus all the parents would have to be nude as well. Dear me. Would we get adequate notice? Be able to go on a cleanse or something before the big unveiling? Shit could get awkward.....
The windy side
So obviously I'm still in the Caribbean - not like back in New York or something or going about my everyday life in Tel Aviv in the raw. We have spent our week in the windiest house on the planet. A kind of grotty house perched on a cliff on the Atlantic side of Barbados. The wind is extremely loud and unceasing. I find it very unrelaxing, and wear earplugs at night. That's the thing about wind - it's just so unsettling - it's not like rain which can be soothing. Unless it's teamed with wind and then it's shit as well. I have to say it - but coming here after planning to be in "our" house in Bequia was depressing. It was like having all the anticipation of eating something extremely delicious - like macadamia encrusted baked salmon, but instead having it taken away after one bite, and getting toast plonked down. "Barbados is a hole" I remarked to my brother. "I'm sure" he replied dryly (I could almost feel that middle finger from Australia). But it's always a shame to realise that you can't duplicate an expected experience sometimes.
Sure it's ok - but you don't fork out a small fortune on airfares for ok
Foul Bay - it seems a bit harsh. How about Unpleasant Bay, or Less Nice Bay?
But to go with the "hole" theme - I don't think the earlier settlers found a lot of charm in the immediate region. They named their local beaches such things as "Foul Bay" and "Bottom Beach". For the record I have visited them both - Foul Bay was really quite pleasant, and I saw not a single bottom at Bottom Beach (much to Vali's disappointment). But this side of the island - the Atlantic side - we have realised, is for everyone who can't afford the Caribbean side (this currently includes us after we did our dough escaping from mosquitos). It really is bleak and desolate around these parts. Just so incredibly windswept and extremely dry. Also, apart from a couple of little cuties, nobody seems to have much of an eye for architectural design. Think grey concrete block houses. In fact, think crumbling grey concrete block houses. Our place is situated in a total povo area (I'm curious - is "povo" an unacceptable term?) - behind a set of locked iron gates. There are also bars on all the windows, and a security system that intermittently beeps. It's annoying.
The Caribbean side is where Barbados gets it's glamour reputation - it's where all the fancy pants hang out. Every time we've been there, people are jet skiing all over the place and drinking chilled white wine in beach bars. But still, the main town for all the richies is called "Holetown" - again, just not inspiring confidence from name alone. Possibly it used to be called "Arsehole Town" after all the whiteys came to Barbados, nicked all the good bits of land and sold it off to other rich white fuckers. Overtime they dropped the 'arse' and just went with 'hole'. Sure, why not?
Cute Caribbean Style
Someone shouldn't have sacked the pool guy
Beauty and Electrics = the perfect combo
Burnt door peek-a-boo
The full line up
There is a giant iron statue of a slave breaking it's chains slap bang in the middle of a round-a-bout close to the main city (Bridgetown) - but from where I'm sitting, a certain kind of slavery is somewhat alive and kicking in the Barbados. All properties come with a team of black staff. And on the real estate websites they are all pictured in gleaming white uniforms with massive smiles on their faces. Surely they can't be that stoked about their jobs. They're in servitude at lousy wages for heavens sake. They have to go and scrub stranger's skid marks off the gleaming white porcelain and then go home to the concrete block houses. White people are bossy too. The poorer they are, the more bossy they be. We've tried reducing the amount of outside help in the house, but the property ownwes are determined. The maid must clean. The current one spends about 6 hours cleaning the house. SIX hours - and god knows how long she would have actually stayed today - but we finally told her to go home. Also she wanted to come everyday, but I managed to get it down to 3 times a week. I need my nude days. And it's not like I am spreading crap everywhere as fast as I can - I'm keeping on top of the ungodly pigsty my children like to create in every room. I just don't think people want staff hanging around all day when they're on holidays.....It's uncomfortable. Am I wrong here? The lady here - an older lady called Cecily - really protects her turf too. I'm under strict instructions to bring outside lounge cushions in at night, to wash certain things by hand, to shut this door - but not that one, I can't take it. I'm shit scared of the woman......She has a staff entrance as well - a back door through the laundry so she doesn't have to come through the front (How is that? I think there's a separate toilet for her too - it reeks of The Help). Anyway, Cecily just appears at the back of the kitchen while I'm loading the dishwasher and sharply says something like "Dem glasses NOT be going in da dishwasher". It makes me jump a mile. I think she wears rubber soled shoes deliberately for this purpose......
How DARE somebody do my dishes…..
So in case you are all wondering if I am really bitching about the Caribbean and having my bed made and my towels changed - the answer would be a resounding "in fact yes I am". It is possible to be that much of a whinging cunt (aspire to my heights everyone, it's uncomfortably satisfying). And while indulging in this pleasant past time, I am also aware that many of you are freezing and would give anything for a dip in our (shithouse) pool. So, with this in mind, I did have reservations about complaining, however, I decided to go for it anyway. But, come now Emily, look on the bright side - so far no crippling virus - Now that's always a bonus is it not?? That be true, and I'm grateful because I'd prefer not to walk with a stoop - it's so prematurely ageing really.
5 year olds
Talking of prematurely ageing - my babies turned 5 a week or so ago. What the hell happened? They're kids now - and that is a shock, really - it is. They got scooters for their birthday and have been riding them all around the place. Somewhat erratically - I can't get a glass of water without being slammed into these days. I like watching their different approaches to the world of scooter riding. One of them barrels as fast as she can, here, there, everywhere. She sets up obstacles in her path and negotiates them with ease casually flipping her scooter around the tight bends. The other one meanders along in the nude (it's genetic), with one foot gracefully pointing into the air behind her - all the while singing little made up songs to herself and stacking frequently. They also got some peel off nail polish art thing I got from New York. I don't even think I knew what nail polish was 'til I was about 13 - whereas my once 4 year olds demanded they have their nails done before school. I of course, replied that little girls didn't wear nail polish, and then turned up at kinder and saw that half the class where sporting manicures.....and that included several boys. There was even a "nail station" set up at one of the birthday parties they went to.
Free stylin'
Nude stylin'
Anyway - my husband suspects that I may have actually purchased the nail art kit for myself - and after spending 40 minutes producing a set of delightful little characters on my left hand, I think he could be right.
Thus I have discovered and embraced three special talents in the last week;
#1 Writing Prostitutes Rights Slogans - (an example of my finest - "No Cunts For Cunts")
#2 Packing - both initial packing (which involves thought out selection of items based on destination), and of course expertise in unpacking and repacking.
#3 Painting mini penguins and flamingos on nails.
These are hand painted people - hand painted.
My new choice of job seems clear cut would you say??? Personal assistant in a brothel of course......It seems obvious, and I can't understand why I never realised my potential for this before. I wonder if that particular job has ever been advised in a career counsellors session? I feel a whole new world opening up before me...….
