Health, Hebrew and Homecoming

Of course

It's almost sad really that I continue to push on with this drivel.  This blog is sicker than Christopher Skase at his last court appearance...... allegedly that is, but then I guess he did die from stomach cancer, so maybe that wheel chair wasn't a prop.......It also doesn't help matters that I'm slacker than Boy George's arsehole either.  But what can I do?  I've got a million excuses, but sitting firmly on top of the list is pneumonia.....And I'm pretty sure that one's a slam dunk straight to Pity-ville.  That would be pity from you to me, in case you were wondering.  Well good old pneumonia, and various other ailments have seen me nursing my entire family through a myriad of germs and diseases since Christmas time.  I never truly understood the germ pits of cess and human misery that are child care centres.  Although I knew friend's kids that came home with school sores, hand foot and mouth disease and green snot oozing from every orifice - but I never really had to deal with that kind of shit before.  I just googled a picture of school sores for this blog, but have been too busy cleaning the vomit off my keyboard to post it......seriously, YUK.

But with fresh, untainted immune systems, V and C were basically bacterial sponges. For 8 weeks I battled the twin evil demons of Princess Phlegm and Sir Snot.  At the climax of the war, over a 10 day period, I ended up with shit, piss and vomit in my bed.  I got vomited on three times - some of which went in my mouth.  I was up for large portions during the night, and wore earplugs in the day to muffle the howling.  I administered so much panadol,  that I should have bought shares in the local paracetamol company; and basically wore both my children at various time like some lumpy, heavy, heated piece of uncomfortable clothing.

This is what you get when you search "Latvian Stripper"

During one of these more unfortunate periods - when Vali got pneumonia and lost about 3 kg in a week my husband had a business trip.  This was extremely ill-timed, but unavoidable.  I could not leave the house.  Ever.  I couldn't even take Cordi to school as Vali was too sick to be put in the car for the journey.  I ended up paying one of the kindergarten teachers to pick her up and drop her off via taxi.  And as I lay there holding my limp, white, unconscious child in my arms; meanwhile in a random eastern European nation, my husband addressed business strategy by day, and by night got absolutely blind with other computer nerds, the highlight (for me) being when he sobbed and embraced a Syrian IT dude - with both of them hugging and weeping "We're all brothers, we're all brothers........" .  This was obviously in response to the political issues that have gripped Israel and Syria over the last decade or two.  Anyway the two of them swore eternal friendship as they glugged vodka straight from the bottle and watched 7 foot Latvian pole dancers show them their fannies.  World peace right there everyone - At the next UN conference they can all just empty a couple of bottles of Grey Goose each, visit some "exotic dancers" and look at boobies......and thus, all the troubles of world could be solved.  But back in Latvia, my husband proceeded to steal alcohol from the VIP area - suffer a paranoia attack and bolt into the snow where he got totally lost for hours in freezing conditions while trying to find his hotel (it was, for the record, directly opposite from the strip club).

I love how random his conferences are.  I think I once mentioned my all time favourite business trip story, when one was held in Denmark, and everyone had to dress up like vikings and row a long boat in a moat, then fight a tournament with large sticks, and later consume a feast of mead and roasted baby pigs.

My poor shiny eyed baby

But back to the warm, dark, stuffy, germ filled "House of Happiness" in Tel Aviv.  When I finally took Vali back to school - looking very white and very small - the cutest thing in the world happened, which I am writing about because I don't ever want to forget it.  I took her into the classroom to say hello to all her school chums one afternoon when she was well enough to  put on her clothes and come and pick up Cordi with me.  She had been away from school for 8 days and was still not back to her normal self.  When the children saw her, with utter joy they cried out "Vali Vali we miss you", and one by one they all came to her and put her arms around her.  The entire class all surrounded Vali in a giant group hug.  They were all just so happy to see her.  I actually cried.  It was the most beautiful, spontaneous thing I ever saw from a group of 17 four year olds.  Just so so special.  Vali was so happy that everyone missed her so much.  I'm telling you, it was moving.

Anyway, it wasn't long after that the disease finally penetrated my shields - vomit directly in the mouth can do that.  And I would like to say that I have never been so sick.  There were actually times when I really thought I could die.  It lasted almost a month - with an especially bad week in the middle where I literally could not get out of bed.  I didn't even lay eyes on Vali and Cordi for 2 days - my husband ran the ship - I ate nothing for days, and when I finally crawled out of my hole, I have never seen a scarier sight than what looked back at me from the bathroom mirror.  Hair = one clump of matted frizz.  Face = grey and shrivelled.  Body = dry and wasted.   I looked like a dying neanderthal....

Trying for Lady Mary, ending up Mrs Patmore

So there we have it.  And in between all of that nonsense I turned 40 - threw a Downton Abbey themed birthday party, rolled my hair under into an extremely unflattering hairstyle, fucked up the batches of scones, and nursed Vali - who was downstairs in misery, as people danced the Charleston above with a lemon tart in one hand and a cucumber sandwich in the other.  The poor little poppet.  She tried so hard to feel better and helped decorate the cupcakes in the morning - only to suffer a relapse and ended up passed out in her party frock for the entire party.

Over this hole

Second on the list in regards to my futile attempts to keep this crappiola limping along, has been the time spent studying Hebrew.  I swear, it's like having a full time job.  I go to class 3 day a week for 5 hours a day, and then all of my free time in the evening, and my days off are spent doing my homework and studying.  And I am still one of the worst in the class.......I was never of those people who studied much at school and despite that penchant for laziness, I did annoyingly well - but now I am studying ALL the time, and getting nowhere.  I can't take it.

This is where I spend my days.....

In fact so bad am I, that I tell everyone around me that I never have a chance to study or do my homework because of the kids.  It is of course a lie, and along the same vein as the lie I tell about how much time I spent in Japan as to explain my pathetic grasp of the national language there......I also had to set up an alternate Facebook page so that I could befriend my Hebrew teacher and all the other class-members.  Originally I set up the new identity so I could write blogs about all the people in the class and bitch about them - like the Russian student's outfits (tight and tacky with visible g-string) and the arseholeness of some of the French students who stink of cigarettes and cheese and sit up the bag talking loudly in French all lesson - but hmmmmm - I like them all too much by now.  Yes, there's another thing I didn't get around to doing.  Learning Hebrew is fucking up me slagging off learning Hebrew.

I don't even know what this says, but this picture makes me feel like punching out that kid

I don't know you.  I don't know any of you.

Anyway in regards to my new identity, gone is the stoopid profile picture of me sticking my finger up Hello Kitty's arsehole, now replaced with the adoring Emily Korman - "Serene Mother" pictured in her wedding dress, smiling and cuddling her two blonde angels.  Don't try to befriend my under my new identity - I will not accept any of you rif raf as friends of my new pure persona.  You'll put evil techno music on my pristine page, or send articles about how doing a poo can give you an orgasm, or some other various assorted hippy shit about loving plants, inter-galactic beings or some other crap.  I think I will also befriend all the kindergarten mothers under my new identity as well, as I really don't want them to know either that I took acid in the 90s and over-use "cunt" when writing blogs about my children.

So that's me - studying Hebrew night and day, spending my life savings on tissues, and fending off friendships by ignoring texts and dreaming up excuses.  But behold the incredible light at the end of the tunnel.  I am blowing this popsicle stand, on Monday, THIS coming Monday, for a SOLO 10 day trip to Tasmania, followed by a family trip in France, followed by my parents coming to Israel for a month.  This is very exciting news........stay tuned....or don't actually......I probably won't resurface until May.  Wish Chalky luck - I don't think he knows how to use a hairbrush or cook anything apart from toast and omelettes - but I guess dreadlocks have their place, and who doesn't love eggs?