Bangers and Beyond

The Pink Ladies

Well, it was a touch on the chilly side back in London, but after 6 nights in sub-arctic conditions in Copenhagen, we felt like we were back in the tropics.  I never thought 6 degrees could have felt so balmy.  Didn't even need my beanie.  Thank goodness for that, soooo over hat hair.  OMG! It's like totally lame-o. LOL!  I'm inventing a new one - it shall be VAOY = vomit all over you.  And it's my now standard response to anybody who writes LOL.  As always, it was a two night stopover.  One day I'll have to tour the UK properly.  This time round though, it was plates of humous in the Lebanese restaurant on the corner, a far too brief rendezvous with my beloved Harry B - brain box and funny bitch -, collecting of outfits, and more hours at Harrods toy department.  A long but comfortable plane trip later, and there we were.  In the real tropics.  Good old Bangkok.  But just for one night, before we hit the beaches, exposed body parts that hadn't seen daylight in months, and made ourselves sick on banana shakes and pad thai.

Ladies in underpants - what else do you want from a holiday?

Forget bar hopping, multiple shots, and ping pong fanny parlours, we retired early for the evening like a bunch of family losers.   Ah, I remember the good old days in Bangkok.  A very memorable visit was the night my sister, (her then partner, now husband), Adam, Chalks and I spent having quite a number of drinks in "The Kok".  Early in the evening, Adam and Chalky had suggested the possibility of seeing women pop ping pong balls out their fannies.  They were shut down with indignation.  Wizzie and I were like "You guys are sick animals.  It's so degrading to women" and "Like we would ever want to see that.  You should be ashamed of yourselves"  "So sexist.....disgusting!"  "Fuck you!" "Creeps!" "Dickheads!".  Adam then privately admitted to Chalks that if he went back to Tasmania without having seen this phenomenon, his mates would seriously question his sexuality.  "Don't worry" replied Chalky discretely, "We will just get Wizzie and Em drunk, and before they realise what's happening we'll just go there".

What's that up in the sky?  Is it a bird, is it a plane? No it's Super Pussy!

Twenty drinks later, and Wizzie and I were chanting "Pussy Club! Pussy Club! Pussy Club!" as we piled into a tuktuk bound for the district of sleaze.  What can I say?  I actually enjoyed the show.  It was more funny than pornographic.  It was particularly impressive when the "ladies"  wrote "Welcome to Bangkok" holding a pen in their fannies.  The ping pong bit wasn't quite the shooting out scenario I'd imagined - it more kind of dropped out.  The whistle blowing really cracked me up though.  After all it's not everyday you see 4 women lying on their backs and able to make their fannies whistle a tune.  They would have been quite the novelty lifeguards that's for sure.

I'm confused about numbers 16 and 17

I'm not sure how it progressed to this level, but before we knew it, Wizzie and I were up and dancing with the Fabulous Fanny Foursome.  I started to wonder if I was up to their level in Pussy Artistics 101, when I realised to my relief, it was dancing only.  Looking around for my sister, I noticed she had taken it to the next level.  Not only was she up above, on centre stage, but once the lights were on her, she broke into "The Robot" as her signature dance move.  I was impressed and perhaps a tinge jealous.  I never knew she could pull off "The Robot".  You've got to admit, to really bust it out takes a certain amount of finesse.  She got more applause than any of the Ping Pong Gang, and as people left they were shaking her hand telling her how much they enjoyed it.  Who would have thought that "The Robot" would win over vaginas that actually possessed skills.  I managed to get a picture at the key moment, which surprisingly wasn't confiscated by security.  A picture that I thought was forever lost, after my old computer got stolen.  But, last summer, I came across the only surviving copy of this snap  - in a pile of photos on my grandmother's piano.  I have no idea what my Granny was doing with a photo of Wizzie and two half naked pussy girls dancing on a stage around a stripper pole in Thailand, but I was too relieved that one image had survived, to spend too much time working this out.  Maybe I should get my Granny a nice silver frame for it this Christmas.

Hell on earth yeah?

It was a toss up as to where we were going to spend our time by the beaches.  You have to make the big decisions.  Do you sacrifice your own enjoyment to be able to drop-kick your offspring into the Kids Club from daylight 'til dusk?  Or do you save yourself the "torture" of a large resort, and go somewhere for the place alone?  But then, you must be prepared to spend every waking moment putting on sunscreen, breaking up fights, and yelling at them not to scratch their mozzie bites.  We decided to break it up into two sections.  The first 6 nights in the McKids Resort, and then final three in the lush, but not-so-kid-friendly adults resort.  We initially tried to select the least offensive option, and went for a place about 100km from Phuket.  What can I say?  Any large resort is basically a large resort.  Look, it was pleasant, don't get me wrong.  How can it not be.  Pools, lush gardens, waterslides, nice beach, smiling staff, Thai food, massages.  To claim all of that doesn't equal heaven means you've got some serious issues.

The worst, the WORST - right???

Talking of serious issues.  It's always an informative (and often entertaining) move to read the reviews of any place you plan to stay at, on Trip Adviser.  Also just read the "Terrible" ones, as some of the nice ones are probably planted by management.  Some people are really fucked in the head though.  What particularly amuses me are the ones who complain about things like the weather, the waves on the beach, and the insects when reviewing the hotels and their facilities.  There was one particular reviewer whose lengthy criticisms really cracked me up.  Let me share with you a few favourite of his quotes:

I sensed that the bed linen and quilt cover were "not fresh".  

I had a large pillow bug bite on left of my face the next morning which proved my suspicion of unclean linens was right.  Unclean linens were the culprit.

 I finally decided to supervise the changing of all the bed linens to make sure housekeeping do a thorough job.  

I was victimized with unclean linens as this hotel goes for quantity and not quality.

I am a Guest and should not be victimized with unclean linens 

The weather was terrible with rain and strong wind 3 days out of the 4 days......the waves were high and strong and the sand was very coarse.  Actually the water was a bit yellowish near the shore because the current brought up the sand in the sea bed.....

 I resorted to swimming in the swimming pool but the water didn't seem to be totally clean as I saw particles on the water surface

And it goes on, and on and on.   I didn't even cover the six paragraphs on his dining experiences.  The dude really had a bad time.  I also think he may have a case of OCD, but hey I'm no professional.  Chalky thinks there could be a great book published out of some of the more amusing reviews on Trip Adviser.  I am inclined to agree.

But let's not waste anymore time on these matters- pack those mongrels up, and pack 'em off.  The kids I'm talking here.  Unfortunately we had a few issues with "The Penguin Club" at our resort.  This was unfortunate, as it was the only reason we were here.  They were apparently too young for Kid's Club.  God DAM it.  However, when we checked in, they assured us that it would probably be OK, as did the lady in Kid's Club that morning when we dropped them off.  Relief.  However, when I went to pick them up for lunch, the manager of  the Kid's Club laid into me like I was her naughty pupil.  At first I was on the backfoot, then I remembered my rights, caught sight of her nametag, and then Bitchfight Round 1 commenced.  Saunders vs "Pancake".  First Round was a tie, Pancake with the slight advantage.  I went to management.  I thought I'd got the upper hand, and then the manager found me at lunch and said I would need to hire a babysitter if the twins wanted to attend Kid's Club.  Pancake had got me. Round 2 to her.  So we were forced to agree.  A babysitter was hired that afternoon, and the girls were shunted out of our hair again.  When we went to pick them up, Valli and Cordi were the only kids in there.  They were watching TV, accompanied by a babysitter, and joined by three members of staff standing around doing jack shit.  It was back on!  We took it to higher management, and said something like "Come on - there's no children there, and a babysitter watching our children soak up cartoons, it's ridiculous".  He agreed, and assured us a babysitter wouldn't be necessary.  Round 3 update - we were in the lead.  Then shortly after, we got a knock at the door.  The manager came in looking crushed "Um, I've been speaking to staff members (i.e Black-hearted "Pancake") and you need a babysitter.  It's because of the toilet".  Our response = "Our children have been going to the toilet alone for over a year, they are fine".  Thus, we claimed the third round by a whisker.  But low and behold, he was back again "Um, staff members will not be able to assist your children in individual activities".  It was a challenge for Round 3.  Our response "Who cares?  They can do it themselves".  We managed to claim Round Three and thus overall victory.  We were the supreme title holders.

How can anyone be cross with a red Christmas Tree in the lobby?

Pancake, however, was of the sore losing type.  So much hatred and venomous looks were thrown our way whenever we stepped foot in the Kids Club, that it was making us feel really uncomfortable.  That woman was evil, I can't believe she was in charge of innocent children.  One afternoon I was over it.  I decided to crush her once and for all.  After collecting the girls, and while they were putting their shoes on outside, I cornered Pancake by the ball pit.  "Now listen to me, Pancake"  I was actually worked up here "I have had enough of your attitude towards me and my husband (just practising).  I expect you to act like a professional and stop being so impolite to us every time we come here".  She responded with a look that could whither pubes "But I am doing individual activities with the children and sometimes with your children"......  What the?  Maybe she didn't speak English after all".  Yet I continued......"I'm not talking about that, Pancake (really spat the "P" out by the way), I am referring to your rudeness, and if it doesn't stop I will go to management.  I've had ENOUGH".  And from Pancake = "Yes Madame".  Could it be possible?  Had I crushed her once and for all?  Was there to be no return bout?  No "Come Back Match"?  It was really over???  It's true that there were a few more "Sawadee Ka"s coming from Pancake's direction.  But her hatred still ran deep, and she was not able to make eye contact ever again.  Let's just hope her second job wasn't in the kitchen preparing my food.

We also did what we typically avoid doing as a rule.  Made friends.  I don't care how nice people are, I'm not looking for friends.  I'm not recruiting, I have enough these days.  Look, you're pleasant and all, but I can't even manage to keep in touch with the few chums I do have lady, so what am I going to do with your email address???? Honestly.  How dare someone be nice to us.   It was the kids fault.  They met them in Pancake's Lair, and then bonded with them over feeding the fish in the pond after breakfast.  So much food did they offload into that pond, that each fish is going to have to get tested for diabetes and cholesterol upon our departure.  Especially after bacon started becoming the dumping fish food of choice.

Look at the size of those goldfish....

Two Girls and One Butt

I must admit though, the friendship was also partly my fault.  I believe it was, in fact, me that stared up the two hour chit-chat session with the dreaded words "So are your girls going to Kid's Club today".  Fuck Sanders, haven't you learnt by now?  It wasn't my fault, I was extra vulnerable after a short, but sweet visit from a dear friend Amanda "Hewbie-Lou" Hewson, who by miracle was in Phuket doing her typical adventurous stuff.  Boat racing, and being all sporty.  It was amazing to see her, and her hilarious partner again.  And meet her friends.  Although I had to clean the vomit off the toilet seat from the Thai girlfriend of one, who had lingering carsickness and spewed in our bogger......at least most of her aim was true.  Unfortunately for them, we had only just arrived and weren't able to lead them to a nice spot for lunch.  I hope they, and their wallets recovered.  Let's just say that the food wasn't exactly going to make the girl who was sick to her stomach recover well.  After lunch though, we were able to spot the resident baby elephant on the beach having a frolic.  It seemed so cute, until the following day when I watched it charge into the sea and attack a swimmer.  Never-the-less, a certain adventurous muffin of mine, lived her dream and rode the psychotic beasty the next afternoon.

Go Valli

and.....CHARGE!

Le Meridien Under Water

It was surprising (and tragic) to discover that our resort was completely decimated when the tsunami struck in 2004.  Where we were - Khao Lak - was one of the worst hit areas in Thailand, with 4000 people dying here according to official reports, while unofficial numbers are bumped up by the illegal Burmese workers that perished, and could really put the death toll at more like 10 0000.  Apparently 120 people died at the resort.  Lots of them were children, as the Kid's Club was on the ground floor and nobody in there could see people running away.  I was shocked.  After the hotel was re-built, the manager had to light the grounds really well at night, as the workers were so afraid of the ghosts they believe lingered on.  Truly tragic.  I read some of the stories from survivors from our hotel on the internet.  Of course, heartbreaking.

The water went pretty high

But all of this aside - other people's revolting offspring, tsunami ghosts, psychotic elephants and even more psychotic members of staff (sporting the name of a popular breakfast item) - we mostly enjoyed our get-away at Le Meridien Khao Lak.  Though, I honestly don't know how people could come here for a month, year after year, just as our new chums from breakfast do.  They did tell me some good stories about Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts, who were staying at the resort while they were filming the latest Tsunami movie - The Impossible, which comes out sometime this month.  I'm always a sucker for insight into the private happenings of the famous (apparently she travels with 2 nannies and a personal trainer).  Plus, I will definitely want to see that movie.  Especially if it took place at the resort we stayed in.  But as far as basing your destination around your kids, and specifically one with a Kid's Club, I would say to you.  Don't. Do. It.  Location is everything.  And if you do decide to do it, against my recommendations, I have a final suggestion.  Don't partake in Pancakes......