Frozen

Do you want to build a snowman?

This year in Tel Aviv we actually attended a Christmas party before we took off for the (supposedly) warmer shores of Australia.  This Christmas party was hosted by a truly delightful friend of mine - a gorgeous Irish woman with an elfin face and and a sing song voice.  Don't you just love those Irish accents?  Let's face it - no matter how well we Australians were brought up, or what fancy pants school we went to, we all still sound like a giant pack of bogans.  It's not a great accent.  Even a New Zealand accent is better, at least we get to mock it and make fun of it (no wonder those poor bastards hate us - how many annoying Aussies must pay them out about how they pronounce "six"? - I shudder, I really do).  But the Irish accent is one of the best - I would literally pay somebody to talk to me all day in that accent.  Even if they were abusing me and telling me what a dick-knob I was, it would still sound like sweet music to my ears.  I am a sucker for an accent though, anything but Australian......

The mini jews (and my little shiksas) rock xmas

So in Israel - as already mentioned - Christmas is pretty much a national non event.  Pretty much all Israelis don't even have any idea when it is.  This fact alone seems to surprise most yoks.  They reply with an astonished - "Really??".  But then when I say - "Well do you know when Chanukah is?" they of course have no idea and the idea that this is a comparable situation is truly surprising.  So in a nutshell, Israelis don't give a shit about Christmas, they don't know when it is, what its for or what goes on.  To have a Christmas party in Israel is like having a Ramadan party in Hobart - a novelty, irrelevant, and not a big deal.  For a Jew who grew up in a Christian country, Christmas has totally the opposite effect.  My husband described it (rather dramatically I thought) as a symbol of everything relating to the oppressive dominance of Christian beliefs, and the total enveloping nightmare of consumerism hell.  You've got to admit he's got a point.  Everyone always goes on about how Christmas is really about family and togetherness.  That is bullshit.  It is about spending buckets of cash, getting stressed out of your brain and despising your own flesh and blood by the end of it all. Ho ho ho-rrible.....

I led the christmas tree cupcakes activity - shizenhousen effort by the way kids

Too harsh?? You get a bit over Christmas is the days leading up to it.....But back in early December at my Irish friend's house I was all about the Merry Merry and the "Aren't reindeer antlers adorable?"....... Vali and Cord had a great time - they were totally Christmas savvy.  But most of their little friends received a less than enthusiastic reception from their parents as they were photographed in Christmas hats and crafting Christmas cards.  One mother remarked to me "Well that's the last time I want to see my daughter wearing a Christmas hat.....".  Give her a break, she did spend most of her life watching all the little Christians of Melbourne receiving sacks of presents while all she got was a donut and a potato cake.  It's a fair call really.....

Cord got shafted for secret Santa at the party - she went first, and pulled out a shoddily wrapped headband.  I think it was used - Obviously this crappy gift was a second thought from a Christmas hater - Cord's face says it all really.

Burnt by secret santa (they always suck really - people should buy their own presents)

 Vali got lucky and pulled out a giant box of chocolates, basically, sugar for Africa - I also think her face says it all.

The gift of teeth cavities - the chick on the right appears a little jealous

So not long after the party was Splitsville. So long Tel Aviv, Hello Hobart (with a few detours on the way). I spent days packing up my crap and tidying the house.  I also found out that fabric softener and water restores doll's hair to their factory sheen.....this thrilled me a lot more than it should have, and meant that I took a long intermission during packing to really glam up all the dollies .

Look at the glamour!

Trying to love it, and failing

I packed all summer clothes and a couple of winter warmers for Paris.  Totally rooted my packing.  That is typical these days - besides it's not easy packing for Freezing Cold, Moderately Chilled and Furnace-like Heat in one suitcase.  We flew into Paris that first morning.  First destination =  Euro-Fucking-Disney.  I'm going to be harsh here, very very harsh. So brace yourselves.  What an honest to God, piece of crap, losersish, ugly, stupid craphole. Basically Cuntsville - all cunts please move here and then I'll blow the whole thing up.  I hate you Disneyland - I HATE YOU.  Wow that was actually therapeutic.  Look, I'm going to backpedal a little bit and say that perhaps on a sunny pleasant day it could have been an acceptable experience - however........on a freezing cold, raining Sunday, a couple of weeks before Christmas, it was a living hell.  Even with gloves, hats, coats and Princesses it was not good, not good at all.  My kids hated it.  There was more howling that day than at a showing of Beaches in a centre for the clinically depressed.

Wet, drab and freezing 

Numb and miserable

On the Snow White ride before the terror set in

Yes yes, very Christmassy

Hang in there love

This is basically what happened - we arrived, walked around in the rain, lined up for 40 minutes to go on a Snow White ride that lasted 2 minutes and scared the absolute shit out of them (lurking witches are never a feel-good kind of a thing), missed the Princess parade, ate 3 lots of 15 euro french fries, lined up in the dark and rain for an hour to see Rapunzel.  I must admit it though - I thought we had it bad.  Poor Rapunzel.  Standing there in a bodice dress and cape with two tons of hair on her head, and smiling like a moron as wet bawling kids were pushed next to her, and weird men put their arms around her (We noticed she leaned wide to the side for those more unpleasant cuddlers).  After that we just couldn't take it anymore.  The feet and hand were actual lifeless lumps of freezing flesh.  Then we drove back to Paris - got caught in a two hour traffic jam and arrived at the hotel 300 bucks poorer, more unhappy, still wet, and with the stale taste of tomato ketchup on our breath. Bite me Walt.

Truly miserable

Although we missed out on seeing Anna and Elsa, the "Frozen" theme was pretty much the overriding experience for us is Paris.  I just wasn't mentally prepared for 5 degrees and rain.  Israel may be surrounded by lunatics, hated by the Western world, and a hotpot of civil unrest and violence - but my god, it's worth it for the climate.  Indoors was the only option for us in the reality of the northern hemisphere during winter.  I knew Galerie Lafayette would turn on the Christmas cheer and we weren't disappointed.  Christmas windows were a big attraction (seriously, they loved it way way more than Disneyland), and then 4 hours going sick nuts in the toy shop was a massive highlight.  They went absolutely mental, and I let it happen.  I didn't even bother to control them anymore.  Living in Israel has made me immune to the icy stairs of the shop assistants and the exaggerated huffing and muttering, as they tidy up the Lego shelf yet again.  I actually enjoy watching them hate me and my spawn and yet not having the balls to say anything.  Go on girls - pull a few more soft toys onto the floor, you know you want to......

Old fashioned French glory

Consumerism at it's finest - cheer up Vali, have a toy or something

Hot choccies and lights

Squeeze

Chuck it on the ground sweetie

Looks great, was shit

But after just 2 nights we boarded a night flight for Australia and off we went.  It was very exciting.  Especially to be heading for Byron Bay where we hadn't been since 2011.  Again, I'm just going to have to be bitter and twisted.  I suspect I will regret being such a cow at some stage of my life, but for now it just feels so good.  It sucked there.  I'm going to gloss over the good points - and that was seeing our old mates who are cool, funny and the best company out there.  Instead I'm going to focus on the freak cold spell that gripped the whole area and turned the 30 degrees sun and heat into 18 degrees of rain, wind and the kind of freezingness that made our big decked wooden rental with a pool pretty much useless.  There was no mobile reception, no internet and the unmistakable aroma of a dead and rotting animal coming from somewhere within.  When we tried to turn on the heating the whole place filled up with the stench of decaying flesh.  Noice.  The only other redeeming feature of our time there as far as I was concerned was the koala I spotted taking a stroll down the main road as I went for a very early drive one morning (jetlag's a bitch).  I pulled over and gave chase (nothing like a compassionate awareness of our native wildlife - but I told you I was determined for a koala pet in my last post).  Tried to pop off a couple of photos but sadly only really got it's arse as it ran away from me terrified.  My husband said my picture looked like a hamster with a shaved bum.  Unfortunate really.  At least it didn't claw my tits like my last koala encounter I guess.

Pathetic effort

Luckily we pissed off from that hellhole - yes, I am aware that it is in reality one of the most naturally beautiful places on the planet - it was just too green.  And wet.  And all those squawking birds in the morning really gave me the shits......piss off you noisy A-holes.

Ok, so it's beautiful

Where is he Mum?  

Melbourne was next - and thank god it was actually warm.  I was out of a jumper for the first time in yonks (I hate "yonks" - I was just trying to annoy myself there).....So although I wasn't exactly frozen in temperature I was chilled the soul the whole time I was there considering some nutjob was holding people at gunpoint in Sydney, which didn't end well.  But enough about that - Regarding the campaign that started to prevent a backlash against Australian Muslims "#ILLRIDEWITHYOU", which offered support to Muslims riding on public transport - I'm just wondering if it is inappropriate to republish this picture I saw on my nephew's facebook page?

Yep thought so.

So - from Melbourne to Hobart.  The last leg of a 5 plane homewards journey.  What can I say apart from, another plane trip, another disaster.  First, we only just scraped in by the skin of our nads.  It was delayed about 6 times due to the weather, and then as Tasmania suffered under the pitter patter of a million hail storms, we tried to land at Hobart airport.  After 2 aborted (terrifying and shaky) landings we circled for almost 2 hours before being informed by the pilot that we were going to have to return to Melbourne.  Bloody Hell.  However, amazingly, there was a break in the weather and we were able to touch down about 5 hours later than planned.  The best moment for me was when I decided to start a plane clap.  I've tried before and Ive never had success, but this time the applause took off and the claps were like thunder as we rolled down the runway (unless it was actual real thunder...).  It was a successful clap off that I initiated.  I was so happy - and immediately regretted that I didn't try for a Mexican wave.  Next time, next time.

So how am I bearing up in "sunny" Tasmania to date??? Well naturally with 17 degrees and rain, and a lack of warm clothing  - totally and utterly......frozen.  And no, I'm not going to "Let It Go".  Instead I decided to embrace Anna and Elsa more than ever.  And even with the crazy Christmas build up and the cars and people everywhere, the brawling with a person who was more tattoo than man in the carpark of Toy Kingdom, and the general sense that with all the chaos and craziness that everyone thinks the world is ending or something, it's bloody brilliant to be here.
Merry Christmas! - totally loving it!

Merry Christmas Elsa and Anna

Life's great