And Then The Rains Came......

I cannot wait until it gets colder

As soon as the stars come out on Yom Kippur you can hear nails being hammered all around Israel.  Well, ok, I didn't personally hear any, but apparently you can.  This is because everyone is hard at work preparing for the next holiday - Sukkot.  In comparison to Yom Kippur, this is actually a fun one.  And one when you can eat and drink, so right there, that's a win.  I'm confused a little bit though - is it the festival of the harvest, or when everyone is celebrating the 40 years the Jews spent wandering in the desert after being freed from slavery in Egypt?  The harvest sounds great, but the wandering in the desert part less so (around here without air con for 40 summers in a row???  Brutal).  It just doesn't sound like soooooo much fun to me - but the celebration is related to the survival aspect.  This is primarily the main theme behind all the Jewish celebrations and holidays - it's the "some fuckers tried to kill us but we survived" theme.

I take all credit for this shot by the way - for once its not out of google images

But regarding the slavery in Egypt thing - despite all the Israelites being rounded up and sold, then whipped and abused and made to work until they died, they did a fucking good job on those pyramids.  We all have to admit it.  Those pointy bitches have stood for 5000 years.  Seriously, kudos to all the slaves - for people forced to do something so unpleasant, they did an amazing job.  No shoddy workmanship at all.  I mean, they look like shit up close - but from a distance they look as tight as they ever did.  Nice one slaves. nice one.  If it was me, I would have deliberately fucked up my part of the wall just to piss off my slave master. But not the Jews, they truly had pride in their work.

As I said - up close it's nothing special

I mean if you really think about it, all Jews today should get a cut from all the tourism dollars those mysterious structures bring into Egypt.  Without the pyramids, tourism in Egypt would be rooted.  Nobody is flying all that way to the desert to look at the Nile or eat kebabs, or see a woman shaking her belly in a sequined outfit no matter how good her tits are.  It's the pyramids all the way. I actually went inside one a few years back.  Not the main one, a smaller older one in another location.  If you have claustrophobia or an aversion to the smell of years of built up piss, do not go in, I repeat do not go in.  The tiny shaft you have to squeeze down for about 60 metres is bad enough - but once you're in, standing in the stagnant gloom of the main chamber of a pyramid - right at the bottom - and it's cold, despite the enormous desert temperatures outside, and you're choking on ammonia fumes in the dark while knowing that the only way out is back up the shaft.....well you better have some good relaxation techniques under your belt.  Especially when another person on their way down that tight and tiny tunnel has to really squeeze past you.  Just never let "getting stuck, wedged against a stranger, unable to move for hours, half way up a giant pyramid" thoughts flicker into your brain.  Things get jumpy.

From the outside good, from the inside less so

This some sort of high class sukkah - believe me, nobody is going this far

So in backyards all over the country - and on streets outside synagogues, and on top floor apartment balconies - the building of the Sukkah commences.  The Sukkah is a temporary structure - three sided, and made from organic materials (meaning wood and branches not like bio dynamic pears or anything) - the roof is called the s'chach (try saying that without bringing up a tonsil), and is typically made of palm branches and leaves.  You are meant to be able to see the stars through it.  For 8 days the ultra religious live in the sukkah.  At the very least, you are meant to have all your meals and sleep out there.  Most Israelis will have a meal there on the first and last nights of the holidays.  After it's built, you decorate the inside of the roof.  This is the fun part.  The kids had been making decorations at school for ages.  They were pumped.  You can also hang fruit off the roof.  Vali wanted to hang carrots.  Their Aunty is pretty casual about these things, so the entire night I kept getting a dangling carrot in the eye.

Steady, steady

"We're only doing the pretty part"

Sparkly

That could bring the roof down Cord

But this year, right before it was time to sit out in the sukkah and have our dinner, the rain started for the first time.  In Israel it's a very big deal when the rains come.  This is because there has not been one entire drop for the past 7 months.  There never is.  EVER.  It's the same every year.  Can you imagine?  You can plan outside events a year in advance and know that for absolute 100% certain there is no chance you will have to move it indoors.  As someone from the south of Australia, this concept is completely alien to me.  Not only will it most likely rain whenever you even express a desire to do something outside - but the weather will go into a sort of schizophrenic pattern of wind, rain, sun, and often hail before settling on rain alone. Plus it will be cold.  Always cold. When you plan an outside wedding you are tortured - TORTURED - by thoughts of the weather fucking everything up.  My cousin had a beach wedding last March - it was a bold move.  But in Tasmania, North Face fleecy-lined jackets are acceptable wedding wear - as are blankets.

My auntie had the right idea.  I, on the other hand, was foolish.  Although, I refused to take off my shoes and socks

My Granny, doing it in style as she always has.

Pitter Patter

But here, everyone knows that the first rains after spring and summer will come some time after Rosh HaShana (The New Year), and so thus they did.  A small storm last Wednesday night, and then a bigger one this morning with thunder and lightening and lots and lots of rain.   Can you imagine a large amount of rain falling in a dry, sandy, dusty city that hasn't seen a drop for more than half a year?  That's right.  Absolutely filthy puddles of grot everywhere.  Jet black and swimming with cigarette butts and other assorted junk.  We were outside walking the streets this morning after a considerable amount of rain and it wasn't pretty. Not pretty at all......Although at times like this I fear I'm getting a bit pussy about the rain (see next paragraph).  Life goes on in Tassie in the rain.  Melbourne too for that matter.  If you have an event planned - there nothing outside a full blown flood that's going to see it shut down.  But there's a lot more rain sooky behaviour here.  A friend's Israeli husband told me this morning that Israeli's don't leave their house when it rains.  They really go into a bit of a panic about being outside in it.  For example, a huge bike riding event through the centre of Tel Aviv that saw all the central roads closed, was cancelled right at the beginning of the ride today, because of about 30 mins of non stop rain - this was followed by sun by the way, which made it pretty damn humid.  But it was too late, all the participants had panicked at the thunder and the event was already off.  There were still a few red t-shirt clad riders circling round the streets on their bikes with kids and dogs wearing t-shirts as well.  They were all looking a little bit on the lost side.  Most kids were howling.

Not bad decorations for a couple of short 5 year olds.....alright Vali - even the carrot

But despite these weather conditions of terror, life in the sukkah goes on, and we decided to eat out there on the first night anyway.  I was a little unappreciative of the drops of rain that kept plopping on my face, and considering my husband's nephew is actually an architect I think that roof could have been sealed a little better.  But apparently the openness of the roof is what it's all about.  Fine then. I accept it.  The religious really go nuts for the celebration aspect though - apparently there's a lot of dancing that goes on tonight.   There are sukka's knocked up all over the joint for the more religious.  However, apparently many of their sukkah decorations are actual Christmas ones cheaply made in China.  Do they know this?  Would they even know what Christmas was?  We presume that everyone knows about Christmas - last year when I said to a couple of people - "Oh Yes, we're going away for Christmas"  they were like "When is that again?"  I was like the 25th"- and them "Of what month - I have no idea".  I was a little surprised, I have to admit it.  When you are fairly cultural-centric it's hard to imagine that other countries don't give a shit about Santa and plum pudding.  For lots of other Jews, they remember it well, and call it the "International Day of Travel" - because you can get really cheap air tickets on Christmas Day.  No yok wants to be stuck at an airport instead of home, drunk, and opening a giant pile of loot.

The motherload at my mother's - brace yourselves this year girls - it's been a while

I'll actually get to do that in the homelands this year (the home and drunk on 25/12, with a bounty of pressies thingo).  It's summer in Australia for us this year - and for the love of god it's been a while.  I must admit, I kind of forgot what hanging out with Australians was like, until we met up with some new friends from Australia last night.  This is despite my former policy which was, as a general rule, not to recruit new mates.  Really, I'm culling the dwindling stockpile I do have.  My attitude to friends is like clothes - if we haven't seen the light of day together in a year then.....gone.  No offence, we liked each other once, possibly still do, but I know they want it over as much as I do.  I, of course, had to adjust that set of guidelines since moving permanently overseas - a year without a sighting of a chum can more easily slip by.  Plus in a new land you have to do a little bit of recruitment.  You can't have no friends at all.  That's taking being a cunt much too far.  So through connections in Melbourne, an 'Australian-just moved to Israel' family and us, just met. They have two girls on each side of Vali and Cordi and one cute little boy.  And within a few hours of hanging out with them and our kids running everywhere together, putting on shows, having "parties" which involved the loud playing of a keyboard and throwing stuff all over the floor, you had that kind of relaxed comfortable thing going on like when you've known people for ages.  Anyway, it made me remember what it's like to hang out with Australians again.

But it was my daughter that got it spot on.  Although this particular one of my girls fluctuates between pretending to be a poo in a drain while swimming on the kitchen floor; and breaking and knocking over everything she comes into contact with,  she also has incredible insights.  Tonight we were talking about the new friends we just met and she said that she liked playing with them best of all out of everything we've done in the holidays.  And I asked her why?  And she said "because when I met them they made me remember something about myself that I really liked".  I found this incredibly cute, and somewhat astounding (I also like it when people ask her what she wants to be when she grows up and she answers in a sweet way "I just want to be myself").  I understood her perfectly though.  I also found something extremely nostalgic about hanging out with Aussies again.  Its been a while.  It also made me remember how much I like being Australian and how I want my girls to grow up as Australians.  It was a nice feeling to have again.

Looking forward to coming home.

When I googled "Australians" this was the first picture

This was the second (How PC of us)

And believe it or not, this was the third - Miley seems puzzled too

Let The High Holidays Commence!

Possibly high??

Sweeties for mains

No I'm not talking about a trip to Amsterdam (although that would be fun wouldn't it?).  The big holidays of the year kicked off about 8 days ago here in Israel.  First we had Rosh HaShanah - literally "Head of the Year".  It's the official start of the Jewish New Year at the end of September, and everybody wishes each other Shanah Tova V'Metuka ("have a happy and sweet year").  Families have big dinners (and lunches) and all hang out together eating some weird shit like fishheads, and super sweet stuff like apples dipped in honey (Vali and Cord's favourite bit).  You also eat pomegranates in order to have as many blessings as the number of seeds. There are some other special foods and some word-play type items about good stuff to come in the year - but I'm afraid these were in one ear and out the other (the tucker was tops though - thanks Ron!).  My favourite part is that you are encouraged to eat a lot of sweet food.  I took this pretty literally and became dedicated to eating cake for breakfast and pouring honey on everything.  Let's put it this way, if it's the quantity of sweet food that you chow down on that determines the sweetness of your year, then I'm literally going to be pooing chocolate for the first 6 months.

Fishheads can be surprisingly tasty (if you don't eat the eyeball or anything)

I'll take the abundant blessings thanks

Shana Tova!

Sweet lovin'

This is chocolate mousse - I repeat chocolate mousse

I love you my darlings

I went pretty gung ho on the baklava that's for sure.  I'm got a supplier up north (where we had the family celebrations) that makes the best baklava known to man.  I discovered them last trip to the Galil in one of the Arab villages - Rameh.  I talk English to them and pretend to be a total Christian tourist so that they love me more (yes, I know I'm pathetic).  This visit I tested their love for me and wore shorts shorts into the shop (expecting some disapproving looks).  However, I got nothing but lady-love from all my little Arab womanly friends.  I also think it's mainly a Christian Arab town, so they are probably less heavy on the slut-dressing tourist types than the Muslim Arabs.  They also do some of those unbelievable cheese Arabic deserts there - kanafeh and such.  Love that stuff.  Who knew that goats cheese, some kind of orange shit, pistachio crumbs and sweet syrup could hit the spot big time?  I am a total sucker for it - I can eat my entire body weight in Arab deserts no issues at all.  I discovered this in Jerusalem about 5 years ago.  Hopefully East Jerusalem is much more settled now so I can go back to the Arab section next time I'm in town.  Bugger the peace and calm, and don't worry about the people getting beaten, it's all about me getting my Arab sweets people, and don't you forget it.

This is the shiz bro

Stroll on that lake Jesus baby.....just take a good old stroll

These days you'd see explosions

It sure is an interesting part of the country up there in the north near the Kinneret (or in yok terms - The Sea of Galilee - you know what I mean Bible lovers? - where Jesus did the walking on water and the fish and the loaves and all that other Christian crap interesting information).  It is pretty beautiful around there though.  Ruins, sandy beaches by the giant inland freshwater sea, vineyards, green hills, olive groves that are thousands of years old.  There are Muslim Arab villages and Christian Arab Villages and Druze villages and Jewish villages scattered all about the hills.  You can see Syria and Lebanon from various points, and also crusader castles, and remnants from the wars of 40 years or so ago.  This also the area where the Golan Heights are located - the highest part of Israel (even gets snow in winter), and thus strategically advantageous.  The Golan Heights once used to be part of Syria - yet no more.  A lot of fighting has been waged here over the years.  On the day we arrived, a Syrian fighter jet was shot down over Israeli territory - Dude probably forgot to check his compass for a minute and strayed off course.  That was a costly error.  He should have known better - Mo Fos aren't messing around when it comes to security.

War remnants

Tasmanian sniper

This is from April - I just fancy myself in this shot

Crusador Castle

Lush views - Lebanon in the background

History Nerds Unite!

Husband time in front of The Kinneret

Pretty huh? - Well just imagine 200 people sitting on those rocks

Family feasts are always fun though (far far more fun than being shot down over enemy lines), and so is complaining about how much you ate the day after.  I had other plans this time though.  Anyone for a  hike to the local Hexagon Pools with lush waterfalls? - sounds great right?  It was meant to be an easy, less-than-a-kilometre down hill walk to get there.  I planned to get everyone up and at 'em nice and early.  Like that was going to happen.  If I am the rounder upper that spells disaster right from the start.  So we were off to a late start - no biggie - the road inwards seemed kind of empty.  However, the carpark didn't - the word "hoards" springs to mind here.  It was also a pretty steep and rocky descent to the pools.  There were also a LOT of people on the path - even more tricky to avoid rolling the ankle.  At the bottom it was worse.  It's hard for an Australian/Tasmanian to imagine how crowded nature sights in other countries can get sometimes - crowds to us are a couple of people other than the group we came with.  I first got my taste of "real" crowds in Switzerland 20 years ago when I bush-bashed my way through dense scrub to an imagined secluded part of a popular lake near Bern.  When I arrived, expecting tranquility, I instead saw an icecream truck and about 200 people who had also dreamed of seclusion (or maybe they just really liked ice-cream).  Some were naked - I guess they were like "Ok, we're just going to pretend there's no-one here".  Wish they hadn't.

I am going back when it looks like this - even  if I have to arise at 5am

So there we were, hot and sweating and searching for a tiny spot to plant the butt cheeks.  The pool was pretty, there was no doubting that, but the noise from all the people made it hard to concentrate on communing with M.N. (Mother Nature of course).  That's one thing about Israelis. They talk a lot.  A whole lot.  And they talk loudly, and they talk about nothing.  I truly think they like talking for the sake of talking (declares a person who can ramble on for hours without revealing a single interesting detail, and who is frequently asked to 'shush' when speaking on the phone).  So anyway, the waves of chitter chatter rippled across the pool, that in the shallows was full of slimy rocks and people slipping on them while trying to gingerly get into the freezing waters.  But bugger you all -  I will feel that fucking serenity, I WILL feel it if I have to kill every last rock-sitting muthafucka around.......Sorry - lost it there for a second.  I was naturally showing off that as a Tasmanian I can swim in any temperature and swooshed in quickly - although that was mainly so that the large fishes I saw wouldn't start nibbling on me for remaining stationary too long.  It was pretty nice - especially in the waterfall bit.  However, it wasn't long before I noticed a giant amount of hornets swarming around.  That kind of thing fails to please me in general.  I was out of there fast.  Someone must have disturbed a nest.  It was pretty upsetting - those bitches are massive - and they seemed a little cross too.  Fucken nature - it sux big time.  And then there was the walk back.  Uphill, over rocks and in the beating sun.  It wasn't pretty.  Whoever invented car air conditioning is one of the greatest people to walk the face of the earth - and icypoles too - another legendary invention.

See - Cordi thinks so too!

Yom Kippur Eve

So Happy New Year everyone, a fresh start kicks off, and then eight days or so later comes Yom Kippur.  The holiest day of the Jewish Year.  According to Jewish tradition, God inscribes each person's fate for the coming year into a book - the Book of Life - on Rosh Hashanah, and waits until Yom Kippur to "seal" the verdict.  All sins have to be accounted for, confessed and forgiven so that you can be sure to get into heaven.  After Yom Kippur the book is closed for another year - so you better get praying, and fasting.  One day is not enough to confess all my sins for the year, so it's lucky I'm not Jewish at times like this.

Bloody awesome

About an hour before the sun goes down Yom Kippur begins.  The entire country goes into shut down.  There is not a car on the road, not a bus or a motorbike.  All shops are shut, all flights are grounded, all border crossings are closed.  Nothing is broadcast on television for about 30 hours.  It is without doubt one of the greatest experiences of sudden tranquillity ever experienced.  When you live in a busy, noisy, crowded, often dirty city - to experience a complete reversal within the space of an hour is remarkable.  Absolutely nothing like it on the face of the earth.  The silence is intoxicating.

Apparently the air pollution goes down by 90% on Yom Kippur from the lack of traffic.  Imagine the cleanness of the air if all cars were one day banned for good.  Within a few minutes of sundown, hoards of kids on bikes take to the city roads.  The highways are full of people biking, scootering, walking and jogging.  It is so much fun.

Special

The girls loved it

At yet it's not really meant to be.  For most adults it is the most solemn occasion out there.  Even secular Israelis turn up to the synagogues for prayer - hoping for a last minute respite from God's wrath.  They are all wearing white - like they are off to P. Diddy's Christmas party.  But no fois gras topped with caviar nibbles here, or any Ace of Spades.  It is instead extremely common for most people to fast on this day.  Not just the religious people - EVERYONE over the age of 13.  And I'm not just talking about food here - for 25 hours you can not drink anything.  Anything.  Listen, we've all done the 40 hour famine - several times as school kids (although I suspect many of us did it as an excuse to consume huge amounts of barley sugars morning noon and night - I know I did).  Going without food is piss easy when you're in the swing of it.  It's a little annoying however, and you do realise how much of your time is taken up with eating, planning to eat and thinking about eating.  But not to drink??? It's horrific.

Go Valsie

Hot chick standing on bike (oh and my child on the side)

No fasting for us!!!

A couple of years ago I did the full fast - and the headaches made such an impact on me that I am not keen to repeat the performance.  As I'd been to a wedding a couple of nights before Yom Kippur this year, and had a fair few shots of arak with the bartender and thus a hangover, I was in no way hydrated enough to deprive myself of water for a day.  The thought of it made me shudder.  So I did what any self respecting shiksa would do and really enjoyed my Yom Kippur.  Instead of starving myself and feeling guilty for being a cunt all year, I lushed out in the peace and quiet, made and ate cupcakes with my daughters, sculled down as many beverages as I could, watched movies - and in general behaved like the sinner I am.  Vali and Cordi loved scootering up the highways at twilight on Yom Kippur Eve, and by day we went out for just a short ride,  because despite it being October, it is still damn hot around here.  Lord knows how the packs of the dehydrated made it through the daytime road strolls.

But once the sun goes down and three stars are visible in the sky, Yom Kippur is over for another year. Bring out the prostitutes and rack up the lines in their cracks!!!  Or not....... Apparently hepatitis could be an issue for that kind of behaviour - who knew?  @spewing ........The roads spring back to life with people racing like maniacs to go and break the fast with their families.  I remember us belting in the car trying to get to Mark's sister's place a couple of years back, almost delirious from thirst.  My god, that first sip of water - like you'd been wandering in the desert for days with a dry drink bottle and then fell into an oasis.  I remember the mango being far out unbelievable as well.  This year I chowed down with the family too - but I was just going through the motions of faining relief.  I instead used the occasion to have a few shots of some spectacular french liquor.

Meanwhile......in Las Vegas my husband was indulging in some much more extreme version of anti-Yom Kippur behaviour.  He sent me some photos, and in doing so broke the most important law known to man on the face of the earth = What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas.  Apparently this was an advertising campaign dreamed up in 2003.  Unbelievable, I am not aware of a time when this rule was not part of my conscious - I literally thought it was in the Constitution or something.  Let me show you a little of what he was up to.....

Hotel Room View - noice......

Is it me - or does he look far too happy here

It's Britney Bitch!!!

Tough day at work Sweetness?

Nice try - where are the blackjack tables and the sluts?

Apparently the phone ran out of batteries at the strip club - sure it did darling.......

Familiar view from my front balcony

So fasting, repenting, praying, forgiving or outlandish behaviours aside, Yom Kippur is over for another year.  As that sun sank down behind the Mediterranean and I looked at that familiar view that I like to watch every evening, I felt utter joy at being able to experience Yom Kippur in such a positive peaceful way.  The time spent with my daughters - just the three of us - was treasured and special.  And I have to make the most of the current situation - that they love me so much and want to be with me all the time.  No matter how intense that is sometimes, one day it will be the last time and I won't even realise until it doesn't exist anymore.  And then I will remember one day that I forgot to appreciate it fully while it was still here. This is want I want to remember from my Yom Kippur experience this year.

Vali insisted I get changed into a matching outfit

My sweet little dreamer

Have a happy year everyone, and be good - a whole year of naughtiness is a lot to account for in just a few days.